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Hi guys!

Happy New Year! 2006! Woohoo! I hope you had a great holiday and that you brought in the New Year with a bang! Christmas and New Year’s was very nice on this end. After seven years together, my partner and I are completely accepted as members of both sides of our families and it’s a great feeling after all the hard work that was involved; so it made this time of year that much more special for us. Spoiling my nieces is also a blast and I’m looking forward to some great times in this New Year! Hopefully, I’ll get the chance to meet some of you on some future tele-classes or workshops I’ll be doing as the year unfolds.

So cheers to you and your success in 2006 (champagne glasses clink)! May you accomplish all your Resolutions this year and I appreciate you very much as being a part of our community.

Warmly,
Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
Certified Personal Life Coach
brian@thegaylovecoach.com

“When A Lover Cheats: Relationship Repair For Gay Couples; Part 1”
by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

Introduction
Nothing destroys the foundation of trust and security in a relationship quite like infidelity does. The gay community at large tends to accept more liberal forms of sexual expression. Without social norms precluding what’s sexually appropriate or not in the context of an intimate relationship, gay men are in a position to choose for themselves the role sex plays in their relationships. As such, most gay couples develop a “relationship contract” of sorts as they begin to merge their lives together about monogamy vs. non-monogamy. For those couples who have agreed to be monogamous, a partner’s affair with another man can create a whirlwind of chaos and pain—and sometimes, the destruction of the relationship itself.

While many relationships don’t survive an affair because of the difficulties involved in working through the betrayal and broken trust, many others are able to overcome the challenges and are able to cultivate an even better partnership than they’d had before. A couple can triumph over an affair! Part 1 of this article will examine the reasons behind an affair, and Part 2 will offer some practical tips on healing and moving forward for those couples who have decided to try and salvage their relationships.

He Cheated on Me!
When a lover cheats and the affair is revealed or discovered, the two men in the couple relationship both go through a grieving process. The psychology of the issues involved for each man in the couple is different, but there is a common backdrop of pain and shattered trust. Disillusionment sets in, and a flood of various emotions erupts. Anger, betrayal, guilt, disgust, defensiveness, depression, and numbness and shock are common emotional reactions, to just name a few.

You become preoccupied with the affair, unable to think of anything else and it can be hard to concentrate and control the racing thoughts and images your mind conjures up. Everything you thought you knew and believed in now comes into question and you can feel lost, confused, and abandoned. You wonder what’s been real and what’s been a farce from the inception of your relationship. Your self-esteem is wounded, you feel deceived, and your world feels like it’s been turned upside down. The sense of loss is profound and can be traumatizing. You then contemplate whether the relationship is worth fighting for.

Why We Are Unfaithful
Statistics among all sexual orientations indicate that infidelity is pervasive. There are many different reasons why we gay men may cheat on our partners. While certainly the problem may stem from one man in the couple (eg. sexual addiction), in my clinical experience, I have seen more cases of infidelity arising as a symptom of something that's troubling the relationship. The following are some possible underlying factors that contribute to the straying outside our primary relationships:

•	fear of commitment and/or intimacy; cheating as a way of staving off getting too close, being controlled, or being suffocated by one’s partner
•	lack of gay monogamous role models
•	low self-esteem; seeking sex from other people as a validation of one’s attractiveness and self-worth
•	boredom; a compelling need to seek thrills, risk, adventure, or variety
•	easy sexual access and availability
•	society, and gay culture itself, sexualizing gay men (just look at the ads in your local gay newspaper or magazine, for example!)
•	unhappiness in one’s relationship; feeling unloved or unwanted; emotional distance in the partnership; unmet needs; acting-out because “something’s missing”; searching for emotional connection, attention, affection, and validation that one feels he’s not getting from his partner
•	sexual problems in the relationship or lack of sexual intimacy
•	sexual addiction, poor impulse control, involvement of drugs and alcohol, or unresolved emotional problems, sexual abuse from the past, or a prior history of infidelity
•	purposeful attempt to hurt one’s partner (power-plays, “I’ll show him! I’ll get back at him by sleeping with…”)
•	incompatibility with one’s partner; differing life philosophies and needs

Men in particular (both straight and gay) tend to be more at risk and susceptible for cheating on a lover because of the tendency toward being able to separate sex from emotions during sex.

These reasons are certainly not intended to be rationalizations or justifications for having an affair, but knowing your own underlying causes can help in beginning to problem-solve ways of “treating the symptoms” so that your relationship has a chance of successfully moving forward. No two affairs are alike, so it’s important to understand your unique relationship situation so you can remove the barriers that trigger you and prevent you from claiming the type of relationship you really want.

Conclusion
In Part 2 of this article (coming in the next Couple’s Edition of the newsletter), specific tips and strategies will be given for the man who cheated, the man who was cheated upon, and for the couple as a whole for rebuilding their relationship in the aftermath of an affair. In the interim, if you and your partner are in this situation of dealing with an infidelity, contemplate the following questions and points:

•	What does this affair mean to our relationship? What led up to it? Why did it happen?
•	In what ways did each of us contribute to this happening? What role did we each play and what are our responsibilities? What’s missing in our relationship? What needs work? What did we learn about ourselves as a result of this experience?
•	Can I forgive my partner and myself for what’s happened? How does this all mesh with my personal requirements for a partner and relationship?
•	What do we need to do differently to ensure that this never happens again?

Remember that you are both suffering and that you both need extra support, reassurance, and understanding from each other right now. If you are truly committed to repairing your relationship, keep blame, finger-pointing, verbal aggression, and judgment out of the mix. There’s been enough pain already. Develop a vision for a positive outcome as a couple and keep centered on that as you go through the difficult grieving tasks involved in getting back on track again. And you can!

© 2006 Brian L. Rzepczynski

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Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.

Please also include with the article the words © Copyright and prominently display a link to our main page at the end of the article. Any feedback would be appreciated and can be sent to brian@thegaylovecoach.com. Thank you!

“New Year’s Resolutions For Gay Couples”

Probably the number one question I get asked most often by gay couples is, unsurprisingly, “How do I make my relationship better?” So, in line with the holiday and beginning of a New Year, I thought I’d write a short blurb that lists some possible action steps you might take to improve your partnership in the coming year. We’ve all heard of making personal New Year’s Resolutions like “I’m going to lose weight this year” or “I’m going to go to the health club more often”, but what would happen if we expanded upon that concept and created Resolutions for our relationships as couples?

With our busy lifestyles and excessive demands placed upon our time, it can be very easy to take our relationships for granted and unconsciously place them on the low end of our priority scales. And with those couples who have been together for a long time, it’s even easier to settle into comfortable routines and patterns (as if on auto-pilot) at the expense of attending to and nurturing our relationship with our partners. This neglect is a primary reason for relationship discord, boredom, and a host of other problems that begin to erode at the foundation of our bonds as lovers/husbands.

Conscious intention toward putting consistent energy into your relationship is crucial for its longevity and success. So why not, as a couple, create your own list of New Year’s Resolutions for your relationship and make sure to attend to the items on your list. In fact, the actual act of the two of you sitting down and developing a list would be a great first item, something the two of you could creatively do that fosters togetherness and mutual brainstorming on ways to super-charge your connection. In essence, the two of you are creating a vision for your relationship, and the pure act of doing that begins to cement more intimacy between you as you have common goals to strive toward and celebrate the successes along the way.

Need some help creating some Resolutions? While it’ll have more meaning and substance if you and your partner can create your own, here’s some examples that you might use; they might even spark some additional ideas of your own! Have at it, and enjoy the process!

Sample Relationship New Year’s Resolutions
“For this year 2006, we as a couple, resolve to do the following for the benefit and growth of our relationship…”

1.	To listen to each other without interrupting as a way to improve our communication and validate each other’s perspectives on issues.
2.	To take notice of the “little things” we do and to acknowledge our observation of these things as a way to keep giving each other positive strokes.
3.	To make more time for each other and restructure our schedules so that we have more quality time and availability to go out on dates and enjoy each other.
4.	To make love to each other with more passion, intensity, and creativity.
5.	To create a scrapbook of memories of our life together that will act as a legacy of our relationship.
6.	To make sure that we have some kind of dialogue on a daily basis that keeps us centered on each other and keeps the distractions of our lives at bay.
7.	To surprise each other with simple adorations of our love for each other, whether it be flowers sent to the office or a love note slipped in our briefcases.
8.	To attend personal growth workshops, couples’ retreats, sign up for relationship coaching sessions, or read books that will help us keep growing and developing as a couple.
9.	To make more friends and surround ourselves with positive people who will affirm and support our relationship.
10.	To work through any self-esteem issues or internalized homophobia that either one of us may have that interfere with us being able to show the world that we are proud to be gay and a couple.
11.	To say “I love you” more often and take “Time-Outs” as needed when we’re angry so we don’t escalate problems and say things that will hurt one another.
12.	To ensure that we each have both an individual identity and an identity as a couple to bring about more balance/health to our partnership. Having outside interests, hobbies, and passions will help bring more novelty and freshness to our lives.
13.	To be honest and direct with our feelings and needs instead of keeping things to ourselves. We also will avoid placing blame on each other and will acknowledge mistakes and take responsibility accordingly.

And the list can go on and on. Fine-tune these, as well as the ones you’ve come up with so that they are specific, concrete, and measurable. This way, you both know exactly what you have to do to accomplish the goals you’ve set because they’re spelled out with no “wiggle-room” for sabotage, and you’ll ensure that they’re achievable. Prioritize your items and only focus on a few initially so as not to get too overwhelmed.

Maintain these tasks, and your commitment will soar to new heights! Reward yourselves for jobs well done and periodically assess and check-in with each other to gauge how you’re doing and if any revisions or additions need to be made. Happy New Year, and all the best with your new relationship goals and objectives!

--The Gay Love Coach

This section is dedicated to you members/subscribers where you can offer your own tips and insights, as well as make announcements for resources pertaining to gay dating and relationships that you know of that would be of benefit to us all! Please feel free to forward these for possible inclusion to brian@thegaylovecoach.com.

•	A new feature here to the resources section…The Monthly Gay Horoscope! OK, they can be cheesy and way off base sometimes, but … they are fun, and sometimes right on the mark! Each month, I’ll add the horoscope for the month for those guys whose zodiac signs have a birthday that month. The horoscopes are taken from the astrology column “Stargayzer” through “The Starry Eye” by Madam Lichtenstein (www.thestarryeye.com), and are written exclusively for the gay community. For more info on the column or to check out the other monthly horoscopes, visit the site here. The following are for those of you having a birthday in January! Happy Birthday!
	CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 20) Queer Caps usually feel the yoke of responsibility tugging at their necks but now Sun in your own sign infuses you with optimism and confidence. Breathe free and soar, at least for the next month or so. Get out there and meet as many new people as possible. This holiday season hearkens fabulous adventures and new bosom buddies if you grab the opportunity.
	AQUEERIUS (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Aqueerians are not particularly revealing about themselves. They much prefer to expose others. Well the tables are turned, compadre and it’s time to remove that fig leaf. Sun in Cap fixes a penetrating spotlight on all that you are trying to hide in your life. Good thing too; why not start the new year with the debut of the true lavender you. Fig leaf forbidden. Risk exposure.
•	Check out http://www.meetgaycouples.com. It’s a forum where gay couples can meet, correspond, build friendships, make connections, and expand their social circle with other like-minded gay couples.
•	Need some help planning your wedding? http://www.rainbowweddingnetwork.com offers gay-friendly wedding services. The site contains a wedding registry, a directory of gay-friendly businesses, professional tips and engagement announcements specifically designed for gay couples.
•	Single Gay Men’s Conference in Saugatuck, Michigan: October 2006. Workshops on various topics related to gay singles, dances, social activities. For more information or to register for the event, visit the website at http://www.smsgathering.com.
•	Some additional resources of interest include:
	o Looking for a gay roommate? prideroommates.com o Searching for a good book? o Want more dating & relationship resources? Relationship Coaching Institute o Want to join the largest gay hub? Gay.com

Disclaimer: The Gay Love Coach does not represent or endorse the quality of any products, information, or materials displayed, purchased, or obtained by you as a result of its mention in this newsletter. It’s common sense to do your own due diligence before purchasing a product.

Next issue…Single's Edition

Copyright © 2006 Brian L. Rzepczynski. All Rights Reserved.