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Hi guys!

Happy St. Patrick’s Day! I hope you had a great month and are braced for the arrival of Spring…it’s almost here!

The Gay Love Coach has become a proud sponsor of the 2006 Gay Games VII, which will be held in Chicago, Illinois on July 15-22, 2006. I am SO excited about the Gay Olympics coming to my hometown and just had to jump on the bandwagon! If you’re interested in attending the event, volunteering, or even becoming a participant, it should be a great experience and you can visit the website at www.gaygameschicago.org.

One last minute reminder for you singles…The Gay Love Coach will be in Louisville, Kentucky on Saturday, March 25, 2006 to give a morning workshop (10:00am-12:30pm) to gay singles on how to have a successful single life as gay men and how to find your life partner. It is being sponsored by The Letter Newspaper (www.theletteronline.com), the leading gay newspaper in Kentuckiana! If you’d be interested in attending this event, please contact Dave at The Letter at editor@theletteronline.com and put Gay Love Coach in the subject line of your message. I hope to meet you there!

Thanks for all the letters. Our community is continuing to grow and please feel free to write me with any resources you feel would be of interest to our members. Until next month, have a productive and meaningful four weeks ahead! Cheers!

All my best,
Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
Certified Personal Life Coach
brian@thegaylovecoach.com

“When A Lover Cheats: Relationship Repair For Gay Couples; Part 2”
by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

Introduction
When the “relationship contract” has been broken by an infidelity in a gay couple’s partnership, the foundation of trust and respect has likely been damaged. Some men opt to sever their ties, unable to cope with the boundary violation that’s occurred, while others decide to work at rebuilding their relationship. Each couple must decide for themselves which option best suits their needs and will be determined largely by the level of investment and commitment each has to endure through the painful tasks involved in recovering from an affair.

Surviving and healing from an affair is possible and requires both partners to take responsibility and channel all their energies into repairing their relationship. Part 1 of this 2-part article series addressed the possible reasons why we cheat and the impact this can have on a relationship. In this article, specific tips and strategies will be offered for those couples who are motivated to overcome the non-monogamy that has occurred in their relationship, thereby promoting their chances for a successful resolution to this crisis.

Tips For The Man Who Was Cheated Upon

•	You are likely experiencing a lot of emotional ups and downs as you process what’s happened. Give yourself time to grieve the loss of the relationship you thought you had with your partner and be kind to yourself. Ease the pain with self-nurturing activities. Also manage any triggers that may signal unfinished business from the past for you (eg. being cheated on by a former boyfriend) so this doesn’t contaminate your current relationship.
•	Especially in the beginning, anticipate a period of obsessing and being preoccupied with the affair and its details. This is normal as you come to make sense of what’s happened, but set limits with yourself so as not to let it become all-consuming. Keep your focus on the fact that your vision is to come through this a stronger couple. Work hard at countering negative thoughts.
•	It could be easy to get stuck into feeling like “the victim.” Avoid this by identifying the role you may have played in the affair’s existence. While you’re not responsible for your partner’s choice to cheat, how may you have contributed to the unfolding drama? Become an active participant in making things better between the two of you.
•	Your partner made a mistake and is trying to make amends now. Don’t make any unfounded accusations or assumptions. Avoid blame, verbal aggression, passive-aggressive “pay-backs”, or behaviors aimed at making him feel guilty or attempts to punish him. This will only create more division and nobody will feel any better. Find healthy outlets for your anger and hurt. And don’t turn on yourself either. Identify what you need to be able to forgive him and yourself.
•	Your biggest challenge is going to be risking being emotionally vulnerable again with your partner. This will take time. Pace the relationship at a rate where you can gradually “let him back in” again. Have your boundaries to protect your heart, but not so solidly-built that he has no chance of proving his trust and commitment to you. As time passes and your trust strengthens, the boundaries can loosen.

Tips For The Man Who Cheated

•	First and foremost, end any and all third-party relationships. No more contact! Your relationship won’t have a chance if it’s competing for your attention and energy. You may need time to grieve the loss of your relationship with your lover depending on if there was an emotional attachment.
•	You’re human and made a mistake. Avoid beating up on yourself and channel that energy into your partner and rebuilding a relationship with him. Take responsibility for your indiscretion and identify the reasons behind the affair. Develop a plan of action so it never happens again.
•	Your partner is hurting and requires your support. He will likely go through a period where he asks you a barrage of questions about a whole host of issues pertaining to the infidelity. His distrust in you will take such forms as suspiciousness and insecurity. Even when you feel like you can’t take it anymore, it’s important to tolerate his moods and answer his questions honestly and non-defensively. This is part of his healing process that he needs to go through and helps to plant the seeds of his beginning to trust you again.
•	Be aware that your partner will most likely be afraid to re-commit to you. Focus your efforts on regaining his trust, communicate more, acknowledge and validate his feelings, and help him to feel special and wanted.

Tips For The Recovering Gay Couple

•	Make your relationship the #1 priority! Work hard at identifying and meeting each other’s needs, increase communication, and negotiate your differences. Never take the relationship for granted again and keep it alive with shared, meaningful experiences and rituals. No more secrets!
•	“Court” each other all over again. Set a “first date” and build from there. Encourage each other and share your appreciations for one another frequently.
•	Be cautious about telling too many of the people in your support system about the affair. This can create additional stressors for you with the possibility of torn loyalties being created and your relationship not being supported. Keep your boundaries on this private couple issue and be very selective in who you confide in.
•	Becoming sexual again with each other could be a “loaded” issue here because of the infidelity. Ease into this if you’re not comfortable and start with nonsexual expressions of affection first to re-establish the foundation of intimacy. Be sure to communicate your expectations about monogamy vs. non-monogamy in your relationship moving forward.

Conclusion
It’s not always easy, but relationships do triumph over infidelity, and you can even come out better and stronger if approached the right way. Don’t hesitate to contact a couple’s therapist who specializes in gay relationships if you still struggle with “putting the pieces back together” again. View the affair as a wake-up call to attend to the unmet needs and unresolved issues that likely exist between the two of you. Finally, patience and dedication is key and keep focused on your vision for the type of relationship with each other that you’re ultimately dreaming of…and make it happen!

© 2006 Brian L. Rzepczynski

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Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.

Please also include with the article the words © Copyright and prominently display a link to our main page at the end of the article. Any feedback would be appreciated and can be sent to brian@thegaylovecoach.com. Thank you!

“The Distant Partner Syndrome”

Dear Coach:

I’m in a 3-year relationship with a man whom I love very much. We’ve lived together most of that time but he’s recently moved out for financial reasons. Now that we aren’t living together, I’m having a hard time getting him to respond to my phone calls or getting him to schedule some time for us to be together. His changed behavior is making me a little nervous and my trust for him is slipping. How can I make him see that spending time together and communication are key to sustaining a lasting relationship? Or should I decide that moving on may be my best option to avoid feeling invisible any longer. Please help!

Feeling Abandoned

Dear Feeling Abandoned,

I'm sorry to hear about your dilemma and can appreciate how torn you must feel. You've obviously invested a lot into this relationship, and your partner's moving out for financial reasons seems to have taken on a new symbolism with his seeming detachment and inaccessibility. It sounds like you're doing a lot of the work right now and are not feeling like a priority in his life. Relationships do best when they're balanced and reciprocal, and your feelings of being invisible are "red flags" that you're right not to ignore.

Without knowing much about your relationship history or dynamics, take a realistic appraisal of the commitment level and attachment that existed in your relationship prior to your boyfriend's moving out. Is his withdrawal from you now a new behavior, or has he been emotionally distant for some time? The answer to this question will help you determine if his current behavior is a symptom of something or if this is a chronic problem for him preceding your relationship with him. And if it's a symptom, is it a symptom related to some kind unfulfillment he may have in the relationship, or is it a symptom of something he's going through personally?

After having lived together for quite some time and then continuing your relationship in separate residences, it must feel like a "downshift" and can create some bumps along the way trying to adjust to new roles in this transition period. Or it's possible you're both grieving in different ways the losses experienced from being a live-in couple to now being apart. But the truth is, like you stated in your letter, communication and quality time are key if your relationship is going to thrive.

It looks like you guys really need to talk. You deserve a partner who can be physically and emotionally available to you, who is dependable and loyal, and who desires to spend time with you recreationally and for communication. There's nothing you can do to change him or make him do the things you'd like to see from him, so your only option is to share your feelings and needs with him in the hopes that he'll really hear you and be responsive.

Your approach will be important to avoid his becoming defensive and more distant. If you've been pursuing him aggressively out of your frustration, take a step back and give him a little space while you get yourself centered and relaxed. Really examine what your needs are in a partner and in a relationship and then let him know you'd like to get together with him to discuss something important to you. When you meet, avoid throwing the word "you" around, as this will likely lead him to tune you out as he'll feel attacked and like you're blaming him. Use this type of formula when beginning your discussion:
I feel___________ when you___________ because____________, so instead, I'd prefer_____________

"I feel concerned/scared when you don't return my phone calls or come around as much because it's been giving me the impression that our relationship and spending time with me has been put on the back burner. I love you and our relationship is important to me and I just wanted to talk to you about this and make sure we're on the same page..."

Something to that effect, and then see what he says. Find out what his perception of your relationship status is and how he views and feels about your living apart now. This will give you a lot of insight before launching into what your needs are. Also ask him what his needs are. What's good in the relationship? Is anything missing? Are there things he'd like you to do differently? These answers will be important. Then the two of you can co-create a new vision for how the two of you would like to live as a couple while living separately that would be pleasing to both of you.

If your partner refuses to have this talk with you, minimizes your feelings or needs, or does not follow through with your agreements made in your talk, these will be indications that his priorities for your relationship do not match yours and could also be construed as a sign of disrespect. You will then have to decide if you can accept him as he is and adapt to your being attended to by him only when it's convenient for him (I wouldn't advise this though--it will likely take a toll on you in the long-haul and is a major sacrifice!) or if you need to extricate yourself from the relationship and move on to live the kind of life that will make you truly happy.

So talk to him and don't throw in the towel right now when you're feeling so frustrated; don’t let those emotions get the best of you. All relationships have adjustments and challenges, and it's my hope that all that's needed here is a little time getting used to the adjustment of roles that changed when he moved out because things are a little different now, and for the two of you to have a solid dialogue about redefining your relationship for the better to keep up with those changes you've gone through. But most importantly, remember that you deserve to be treated well and avoid molding yourself into something that's not going to allow you to keep growing. Good luck to you! I hope this helps and my fingers are crossed for you!

--The Gay Love Coach

This section is dedicated to you members/subscribers where you can offer your own tips and insights, as well as make announcements for resources pertaining to gay dating and relationships that you know of that would be of benefit to us all! Please feel free to forward these for possible inclusion to brian@thegaylovecoach.com.

Results from The Gay Love Coach Question of the Month voting poll
	Question: How satisfied are you with your sexual relationship with your boyfriend or partner?
	Results:	A. Very Satisfied, Way Hot!	23%
		B. Somewhat Satisfied, Could Be Better	42%
		C. Very Unsatisfied, Help!	35%
			out of 31 votes

Go to www.TheGayLoveCoach.com to vote for this month’s new question now!

•	The Monthly Gay Horoscope:
	The horoscopes are taken from the astrology column “Stargayzer” through “The Starry Eye” by Madam Lichtenstein, and are written exclusively for the gay community. For more info on the column or to check out the other monthly horoscopes, visit the site at www.thestarryeye.com/Stargayzer/index.cFm. The following are for those of you having a birthday in March! Happy Birthday!
	PISCES (Feb 20 - Mar 20) Sun in your own signs draws everyone’s attention to you. Pick the spinach out of your teeth and upgrade your wardrobe. Pluto sez you are about to bite off more than you can professionally chew. The irksome tasks that you willingly accept now will not help your corporate ascent. In fact, they could weigh you down while the rest of the pack ambles ahead. My advice: Delegate!
	ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 20) Planning an escape may not be the escape you planned as Sun in Pisces squares Pluto. Daydreams of blissful afternoons by the pool and naked minions feeding you peeled grapes can warm your cockles. But the way things may evolve, you could very well be cast as “peeler” rather than “peelee”. Be sure to pack a tweezer, proud Ram. Hey, whatever turns you on...
•	As a gay couple, do you find it difficult to find resources that cater to men in partnerships? Not anymore! Go to www.meetgaycouples.com. This site offers a forum where gays in established relationships can meet, correspond, build friendships, make connections, and expand their social circles with other like-minded gay couples. Check it out!
•	How To Find Your Life Partner Workshop for Single Gay Men by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach and sponsored by The Letter Newspaper in Louisville, Kentucky: March 25, 2006. Morning workshop for single gay men seeking skills and strategies for improving their dating lives on their quests for Mr. Right. For more information or to register for the event, send an e-mail to editor@theletteronline.com with the words Gay Love Coach in the subject line.
•	Single Gay Men’s Conference in Saugatuck, Michigan: October 2006. Workshops on various topics related to gay singles, dances, social activities. For more information or to register for the event, visit the website at http://www.smsgathering.com.
•	Some additional resources of interest include:
	o Looking for a gay roommate? prideroommates.com o Searching for a good book? o Want more dating & relationship resources? Relationship Coaching Institute o Want to join the largest gay hub? Gay.com

Disclaimer: The Gay Love Coach does not represent or endorse the quality of any products, information, or materials displayed, purchased, or obtained by you as a result of its mention in this newsletter. It’s common sense to do your own due diligence before purchasing a product.

Copyright © 2006 Brian L. Rzepczynski. All Rights Reserved.