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Hi guys!

Happy Spring!

My visit to Louisville, Kentucky has been changed to Saturday, May 20, 2006 to give a morning workshop (10:00am-12:30pm) to gay singles on how to have a successful single life as gay men and how to find your life partner. So there’s still time to sign up! It is being sponsored by The Letter Newspaper (www.theletteronline.com), the leading gay newspaper in Kentuckiana! If you’d be interested in attending this event, please contact Dave at The Letter at editor@theletteronline.com and put Gay Love Coach in the subject line of your message. I hope to meet you there!

No other updates here for this month! Thanks for all your letters and please feel free to forward any tips, resources, or events that you’re aware of that might be of interest to our community for possible inclusion in upcoming newsletters! Have a great month and don’t forget that the Easter Bunny is coming soon!

All my best,
Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
Certified Personal Life Coach
brian@thegaylovecoach.com

“Should We Have Sex Yet? Negotiating Your First Time With Mr. Wonderful”
by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

Introduction
Question: At what point does a dating relationship turn sexual if you’re looking for a lasting relationship?

The reader posing this question goes on to say that in his experience, sex too soon in a dating relationship seemed to make the connection all about sex, while waiting for an extended period of time resulted in men perceiving him as a “tease” or being uninterested in them for anything but just friendship.

So what’s a guy to do? When is the right time to have sex so as not to sabotage the development of a potentially healthy relationship with a compatible dating prospect? Well, the long and the short of it is that there is no right time! There’s no science or magic formula to negotiating the right time to be sexual to guarantee lasting success. There are no guarantees in relationships. What it boils down to is each individual’s readiness and comfort level with taking things to that next step and keeping the channels of communication open.

So while there’s no hardfast rule, this article will offer some tips and questions for reflection for you to decide when the time is right for you to take things to the “bedroom level.” Through this content, perhaps you will discover some factors that might promote the opportunity for success of a long-term relationship that you can integrate into your own dating plan and sexual decision-making practices.

Sex & Gay Dating
Sex is obviously a very important part of a relationship. In gay dating, sex actually plays a vital developmental role in helping a man to explore his sexuality during the coming-out process and forming his identity as a gay man; it’s a healthy rite-of-passage. Sex plays other roles though in gay culture. Its purpose can be for:

•	pure recreational fun
•	tension release
•	a thrill for conquest
•	a rebellion against heterosexist norms
•	an uncontrollable addiction
•	a way to boost one’s self-esteem
•	a mask for emotional problems
•	a temporary cure for boredom or loneliness
•	horniness gratification
•	a vehicle for avoiding emotional intimacy…among others.

For you, as the serious dater seeking Mr. Right, your vision for the primary purpose of sex is as an expression of your feelings of adoration for one another, cementing a bond of closeness and connection as you begin to seal an identity as a couple with the intention of life-long commitment. Your job is to adequately screen your dating partners to determine if their vision for sexuality and life aligns with yours. It’s when there’s a mismatch between these visions or differing motives from the purposes above that leads to relationships ending before they even got started when sex enters the picture early on.

Knowing Thyself
Before you even begin your dating adventures, you must have a solid vision in place of what and who you’re looking for. What are your personal requirements, needs, and wants for a life partner and a relationship? What does dating mean to you and what does it look like? What are your sexual values and attitudes? The answers to these questions become your guide for detecting the “right” vs. the “wrong” types of guys you’re seeking.

Sex is so glamorized in our gay culture that the pressure to succumb to its powerful influences can be overwhelming. That’s why you must have a plan in place before you date so you can more readily “stick to your guns” and not be swayed by temptations or other forces. Knowing yourself and your values is key. Your beliefs about the role you want sex to play in your dating life will shape your behavior as such.

Meeting Mr. Wonderful…Now What?!
It’s hard work creating your own vision, but then to assess another guy’s vision for compatibility is another feat that’s not easily accomplished in one or two dates. It’s a process. That’s why introducing sex too early into a dating relationship can be sabotaging because the relationship gets defined around sex before a foundation of trust and intimacy has been established. This isn’t to say that meaningful relationships can’t evolve from a sex-based affiliation, but in a lot of cases premature sex can send the wrong message or tone that then permeates the entire relationship—and it can be irreversible. Not to mention determining your new guy’s sexual values and motives discussed earlier may not be so easily detectable in the early stages of dating.

Most gay dating experts agree that a wise approach for those seeking long-term relationships is to hold off on sex for at least 3-4 dates with a man. This allows time for a friendship to develop, to screen each other to the best you can for “goodness-of-fit”, and lets the relationship be defined around common interests, goals, and mature companionship—enduring qualities that highlight successful relationships. Sex alone is not sufficient to carry a lasting partnership. You’ll also be able to tell in a lot of cases whether the man is genuinely interested in you or if he’s solely after sex or gratification of other motives. Once you have sex, it changes the dynamics, so it’s important to pace the relationship.

The Sexual Floodgates Are Opening!
So you and Mr. Wonderful are now at the stage where the chemistry is bubbling over and you can’t keep your hands off each other. You’ve gone out at least several times and the compatibility you share seems to be indicating a “green light.” Before racing off to the bedroom (or other creative carnal lovemaking spot!), ask yourself these questions to avoid getting hurt and to make sure this is the right time for you to get naked:

•	Why do we want to have sex now? What are our motives?
•	Do I feel physically and emotionally safe with him? Am I able to be vulnerable with him with my body and emotions?
•	Do I feel cared about by him? Does he show genuine interest and curiosity about me in other areas of my life other than sex? Does he respond to me non-sexually?
•	Am I able to be myself freely around him? Do I feel good about myself when I’m around him? Do I like the man that he is from what I’ve learned about him so far?
•	Are we able to communicate openly with each other? Have we each engaged in enough self-disclosure to feel comfortable about each other? Have we been able to express affection to each other thus far?
•	Does he demonstrate dependability and loyalty? Do I feel like a priority? Do we have mutual respect and support?

Additional Tips Before Taking The Plunge

•	Make sure you’ve talked about your sexual histories and have had discussions about sexually transmitted diseases, safe sex, and beliefs about monogamy vs. nonmonogamy. While this may seem like it’ll take away some of the excitement, it doesn’t necessarily have to do that. Make the discussion part of the “erotic foreplay” and explore your sexual values, attitudes, preferences, and fantasies together to heighten the intimacy and get to know each other more intensely. Make it part of the “turn-on” and “build-up.”
•	It may be helpful to communicate to dating prospects something to the effect of “I’m very attracted to you but I don’t have sex until I really know someone.” A frank, up-front assertive statement such as this will certainly weed out men who potentially match your vision vs. those who don’t. You may get lots of men who “abandon ship”, but they weren’t meant to be and now lots of time and energy has been saved for you to continue your quest. Remember, it’s quality, not quantity.
•	When you’re in the “waiting phase” and holding off from sex initially, continually create “allure” and intrigue to keep your guy aware that you’re still interested and find him attractive with respectful flirting. A lot of gay men have been conditioned to equate “no sex” with rejection and could be sensitive to “sexual fasting”, so give him lots of “positive strokes” to keep the spark going without playing games.
•	While the argument could be made that having sex right away can help bring to light whether you’re sexually compatible, keep in mind that it all comes down to your personal requirements and what you deem most important. Also remember that sex gets hotter the longer a couple is together (practice makes perfect!) and that sex tends to be more passionate and fulfilling when a foundation of emotional intimacy has already been developed.
•	Finally, no matter how much prep-work you’ve laid out to be a successful dater, there will be times when you’ll make a mistake, have a slip of poor judgment, or the other guy will bail for no apparent reason. Be kind to yourself and remember you’re human. Take ownership for where you went wrong and get back on your dating plan. You have no control over how the other guy behaves. Be mindful too that sex is a loaded issue for a lot of people and unresolved intimacy issues is a big culprit for seemingly good dating prospects bolting out of nowhere shortly after a sexual relationship begins. Protect your heart, be patient, and never give up hope that your Mr. Right is out there—the timing just hasn’t been right yet.

 

Conclusion
Sex means different things to different men. As a gay man searching for a life partner, introducing sex into a dating relationship takes faith and trust. There is no right time necessarily to be intimate, but realizing that sex and relationships have completely different mindsets with different attitudes and behaviors can better help you decide where and when your sexual first with Mr. Wonderful fits best into the timeline of your vision for a long-term relationship. Stay true to your values and remember that it’s not a numbers game—it’s about being successful with the right guy..Mr. Right!

For more information on this topic, check out another article written by The Gay Love Coach called “Sex & the Single Gay Guy” here.

© 2006 Brian L. Rzepczynski

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEBSITE? This article can be reprinted freely online, as long as the entire article and this resource box are included:

Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.

Please also include with the article the words © Copyright and prominently display a link to our main page at the end of the article. Any feedback would be appreciated and can be sent to brian@thegaylovecoach.com. Thank you!

“Gay Dating Rx: When Your New Guy Is In Crisis”

I was recently approached a couple months back by the writer of an online dating website at msn.com requesting some information for possible inclusion in an article she was writing on how to manage a new dating relationship when the other person experiences some kind of life crisis. This can be a very delicate situation and what follows here are some thoughts I contributed on the matter…

It can be an extremely difficult and uncomfortable position to be in when someone you just start dating experiences some kind of crisis or loss in his life. On the one hand, your human desire to reach out and help and comfort gets kicked in, yet on the other hand, you don’t really know this person very well yet to know how to appropriately respond. In general, crisis is a scary thing that most would rather just avoid. But you’re interested in this person and want to be there for him…so what do you do in such a helpless position?

I believe the key is striking a balance between compassion and boundaries. Because your dating relationship is so new and you haven’t established enough intimacy like the relationships that likely exists in his support system (eg. family/friends), you want to avoid doing too much intervention into their problem as you could come off appearing controlling, judgmental, and inappropriate. Though you may feel the urge, it’s not your place to try and “fix” things, and you can’t. Not only this, but without boundaries, you can easily get sucked into their problems as well and then become part of the issue.

The best thing you can do in this situation is to just listen. Show your dating prospect that you care by being available to him and being a good listener, not offering any feedback or opinions unless asked, and even then be careful with your boundaries. Mirror back what he says and demonstrate through your words empathy and validation for their experience. Acknowledge what he’s going through. Avoid saying things like “everything will be ok” and “that happened to me once.” These provide false assurances and can come off as “fake”, “artificial”, and even uncaring. Crisis makes us uncomfortable, so don’t feel pressured to say anything…just be there, be accepting and patient, and provide a good listening ear.

When someone is in crisis, it’s important that he has as much of a normal routine and structure to his life as possible to help create more stabilization. As a new dating partner, you can offer to take him out to keep him busy and do things that would provide as much fun, relaxation, and activity that he is able to tolerate at the moment; if you are declined, respect his need for space. One very important thing to keep in mind is that the crisis will likely postpone and delay the development of your dating relationship together. He must be allowed time to grieve and process his feelings about the crisis or loss, not to mention a subsequent problem-solving stage will occur, so being patient and understanding will be critical should you decide to continue seeing this person as things can’t be rushed. Other things you might be able to do to show your support might be to show you care by acknowledging their “tough time” with a momento (card, flowers, etc.) or offering them a referral to some kind of resource you’re aware of that’s in alignment with their particular issue-at-hand; but again, it’s important to ask their interest in a referral first rather than soliciting it.

--The Gay Love Coach

This section is dedicated to you members/subscribers where you can offer your own tips and insights, as well as make announcements for resources pertaining to gay dating and relationships that you know of that would be of benefit to us all! Please feel free to forward these for possible inclusion to brian@thegaylovecoach.com.

Results from The Gay Love Coach Question of the Month voting poll
	Question: How comfortable are you approaching a man you find attractive to strike up a conversation and see if he'd be a possible dating prospect?
	Results:	A.	No problem! I could easily initiate a contact	4%
		B.	Somewhat. Depends on my mood and the situation	42%
		C.	No way! I’m kind of shy and prefer the other guy to make the first move	54%
				out of 31 votes

Go to www.TheGayLoveCoach.com to vote for this month’s new question now!

•	What do you think about this month’s feature article? It’s certainly a controversial topic with many different viewpoints. When do you think the right time is to sleep with a guy you’re dating? Send your thoughts, tips, and suggestions to brian@thegaylovecoach.com.
•	The Monthly Gay Horoscope:
	The horoscopes are taken from the astrology column “Stargayzer” through “The Starry Eye” by Madam Lichtenstein, and are written exclusively for the gay community. For more info on the column or to check out the other monthly horoscopes, visit the site here. The following are for those of you having a birthday in April! Happy Birthday!
	ARIES (Mar 21- Apr 20) Rams can get a dose of the moody blues throughout April. Use it to your advantage! There is emotional watery energy just waiting to be tapped and gushed and you will never seem so attractive to others. So don’t stay home and phone it in. Go out and ply your trade with beautiful poetry, mysterious love notes and a sensitive keen eye. Hmmm, who is this stranger??
	TAURUS (Apr 21 - May 21) Bulls draw in new friends by the crateloads in April. Some of them may be unorthodox and unusual and create a very interesting social environment. Did I say “interesting”? I meant crazy and uncontrollable. And, with grace, you take it all in stride and manage to rise above the general melee. Before you know it you are elected leader of the pack. But pack of what?
•	Need easy access to national LGBT resources but don’t know where to turn? The Gay & Lesbian National Hotline (1-888-THE-GLNH) is now available and offers peer counseling, information, and linkage to LGBT-friendly resources in your area. You can even volunteer if interested! Check out their website at http://www.glnh.org/index2.html.
•	It’s hard enough finding decent networks and resources to meet other gays and lesbians for friendship and love, but if you’re transgendered, the outlets seem even more scarce! Here’s a couple links to sites that might be of interest to the trans community: http://www.transgendered-personals.com and http://www.transproud.com.
•	Live in the Chicagoland,IL area? A new community center has just opened up in Joliet, IL serving the LGBT community with special programs, social activities, and advocacy efforts destined to be a great resource for friendship and social change. Check out Community Alliance & Action Network at http://www.caanmidwest.org.
•	As a gay couple, do you find it difficult to find resources that cater to men in partnerships? Not anymore! Go to www.meetgaycouples.com. This site offers a forum where gays in established relationships can meet, correspond, build friendships, make connections, and expand their social circles with other like-minded gay couples. Check it out!
•	How To Find Your Life Partner Workshop for Single Gay Men by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach and sponsored by The Letter Newspaper in Louisville, Kentucky: March 25, 2006. Morning workshop for single gay men seeking skills and strategies for improving their dating lives on their quests for Mr. Right. For more information or to register for the event, send an e-mail to editor@theletteronline.com with the words Gay Love Coach in the subject line.
•	Single Gay Men’s Conference in Saugatuck, Michigan: October 2006. Workshops on various topics related to gay singles, dances, social activities. For more information or to register for the event, visit the website at http://www.smsgathering.com.
•	Some additional resources of interest include:
	o Looking for a gay roommate? prideroommates.com o Searching for a good book? o Want more dating & relationship resources? Relationship Coaching Institute o Want to join the largest gay hub? Gay.com

Disclaimer: The Gay Love Coach does not represent or endorse the quality of any products, information, or materials displayed, purchased, or obtained by you as a result of its mention in this newsletter. It’s common sense to do your own due diligence before purchasing a product.

Copyright © 2006 Brian L. Rzepczynski. All Rights Reserved.