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Hi guys!

Happy Spring!

Last chance to register for the single gay men’s workshop in Louisville, Kentucky that I’ll be presenting on Saturday, May 20, 2006! (I know, I know..this is the Couple’s Edition, but I had to throw in one last plug!) Please send an e-mail to editor@theletteronline.com and put Gay Love Coach in the subject line of your message if you’re interested in attending. Thank you!

So how are you? Getting excited for summer? I’m a big beach freak, so it can’t come fast enough for me! Just around the corner!

No new updates here this month. Thanks for your article suggestions and success stories! Any comments or suggestions you have about making the website or newsletter better, please let me know. I welcome any input! To all of you a great May! Make it a productive one and live to the max!

All my best,
Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
Certified Personal Life Coach
brian@thegaylovecoach.com

“A Gay Lover’s Quarrel: Joe & Paul Talk It Out”
by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

Introduction
Paul threw open the door to the apartment in a rage and stormed inside, Joe hot on his tail. “God, you are being such a drama queen! It’s no big deal! You’re reading way too much into this!” cried Joe as he cornered his partner in the bedroom. Paul swung around to face him, reeling with anger as his heart pounded ferociously against his chest and his hard, shallow breathing neared hyperventilation. “No big deal?! Gee, thanks for caring about how I feel! That is just so typical of you to only think of yourself and then downplay what you’ve done and not take any responsibility! Then I end up looking like the melodramatic one and you come out smelling like a rose! Well not this time, Joe! I’ve had it!”

Joe fell to the bed and held his head in his hands as he let out a frustrated sigh. “You are so infuriating! This was supposed to be our romantic night out together and you totally ruined it with your stupid assumptions!” he grumbled. “I ruined it?! We hardly see each other anymore, and when we finally get a night out just the two of us, you can’t keep your eyes off the other guys in the restaurant! It’s like I didn’t even exist in there! You barely said even two words to me because you were too busy undressing everybody there in your mind!” “You are so off base, man! The guys in there were hot and I’m a natural flirt, I can’t help it! It doesn’t mean that I want to sleep with them though! I am sick and tired of having to take the blame and suffer for your past failed relationships! I have never given you any reason to doubt my commitment to you and all you ever do is jump to conclusions about my motives! What do you want from me?!” Joe shouted. “See, there you go again! It’s always my fault, isn’t it?! Just forget it! You can sleep on the couch tonight!” spat Paul as he heaved a pillow and blanket at him from across the room and then stalked off, slamming and locking the bathroom door behind him.

Love & Conflict
While the above scenario may seem a bit like “The Young & the Restless”, it certainly depicts how an argument can downward-spiral fast. Conflict is normal and inevitable in all relationships; in fact, there can’t be growth as a couple without it! However, the manner in which the conflict is approached and managed can either contribute to the health and development of the relationship, or it can cause its demise. Words hurt and can have lasting effect, and as seen by our friends Paul and Joe, they can damage the foundation of trust and intimacy that the partnership is built upon.

As a couple, it’s important to view conflict as an opportunity to bridge more connection. As men, we’ve been socialized to be strong, aggressive, and competitive. While these traits are definite assets, they can be counter-productive when communicating with a significant other about differences or problems. Another tendency that we men have is to skip over feelings and jump right into problem-solving mode to rectify a situation. This is another obstacle to effective communication in an intimate relationship. Listening and validation of each partner’s feelings and needs is an essential pre-requisite to problem-solving and requires us to slow down and really pay attention to the messages communicated by our lovers.

So when faced with an altercation with your partner, it’s important to do the following:

•	Identify your triggers to anger and know when your emotions (or your partner’s) are at a point where continuing a dialogue would be detrimental and unproductive.
•	Defuse anger immediately by calling a “Time-Out” and having a cool-down period where you can each relax and gain some perspective. This will help avoid the potential for hurtful words to be expressed; words that hurt and can’t be taken back.
•	Schedule a time to come back and talk about the situation so that it’s not “swept under the rug”, which would only serve to accumulate resentments. Set the stage for communication by creating ground rules for discussion and a safe environment to have a dialogue.
•	Have conscious intention during your talk. Avoid being distracted by what you want to say and instead be fully engaged with your partner and focus on active listening so you can truly understand his needs, feelings, and point-of-view. You’ll have your chance to state your position. Don’t interrupt, stay on one subject at a time, and display appropriate levels of empathy and validation for your partner.

The “I” Messages Communication Technique
There are almost as many communication models available as there are self-help books, but one of the most popular of them is the “I” statements communication technique. Frequently taught in couples counseling, this strategy has a practical and easy-to-use formula for expressing your needs and feelings in a direct, assertive way. If executed the right way, this model reduces the chances that your partner will respond in a defensive way and will promote a more successful communication session.

Basically, the formula reads:
I feel (insert feeling; make sure it’s a feeling, not a thought)
when you (describe his behavior)
because (rationale for why you feel the way you do)
so instead, I’d prefer (request for a behavior change).

The model works well because you’re taking responsibility for your feelings without blaming and you’re describing the behavior that is upsetting to you as opposed to launching an attack on your partner’s character. The word “you” alone tends to inspire this feeling, and hence, creates defensiveness on the part of the other. Requesting a behavior change doesn’t guarantee you’ll get what you want, but asserting yourself can give you a sense of empowerment that’s better than the alternative of acting-out your discontent or stuffing it away and burying it. You have the right to express yourself and ask for what you need and want.

Additionally, the formula is beneficial for helping both partners fine-tune their communication styles. For a more verbal partner, “I messages” help to streamline his thoughts into a simple, understandable statement rather than a barrage of sentences that can overwhelm his partner. For a less verbally-sophisticated or quiet partner, the formula allows him a step-by-step format for expressing himself if he typically has a hard time finding the words to convey what he’s thinking in his mind. While the formula may seem mechanical, contrived, or awkward, it provides a sound framework to begin from and can be modified to your own language and style. This is just one of many communication techniques you can try on for size!

Joe & Paul Revisited
Joe and Paul sat on the couch facing each other, both feeling more calm and centered as they desired to clear the air from their argument the night before and come to some resolution about how to manage some of their issues moving forward. They didn’t want to hurt each other anymore and truly wanted to understand how the other felt and what he needed to avoid being reactive in the future.

Paul began. “Joe, I feel hurt and rejected when you don’t talk much when we’re out and when you look at other guys because we don’t get to see each other very much with our opposite work schedules. I also feel it’s disrespectful to be admiring other men when you’re with me. I miss you and I feel scared that you might be losing interest in me when that happens. I’d prefer that you be more engaged when we’re together by not staring at other guys and by making the most of the time we have together by talking with me or giving me more attention.”

Joe responded with active listening techniques (Read “Stop, Look, & Listen: The 3-Step Approach To Understanding Your Partner by The Gay Love Coach here for more details on this method)and Paul felt heard and validated. Joe then replied to Paul. “Paul, I feel frustrated and helpless when you make accusations that I’m cheating on you because I have very strong values in fidelity and have never done anything to compromise our commitment. I love you. I’d prefer that you refrain from jumping to conclusions and instead check things out with me that you might be thinking and feeling in a calm way to make sure we’re on the same page.”

The couple’s discussion went deeper and they were able to identify a lot of their fears and unmet needs that were underlying the anger that was coming out during their fight. Once they’d reached that level of understanding and both felt heard, the couple was then able to progress into a problem-solving stage. Joe refrained from flirting with other men to respect his relationship with Paul and channeled his energy into attending more to his partner’s needs and being more fully present when they were together. He also tried changing his work schedule around so they could have more quality time together, tried to show Paul ways he appreciated and cherished him through loving gestures and attention, and worked on improving his verbal and nonverbal communication skills. Paul set to work on challenging his insecurities, combating his tendency to make assumptions and “mind-read”, and began grieving and healing from past relationship wounds that he was projecting into his current relationship with Joe. He also worked hard on improving his boundaries and both aggressively worked on creating more balance between their individual and couple identities. This couple is on the right path to healing and continue to grow closer by the day.

Conclusion & Action Challenges
So how can you use “I” messages to improve your relationship? Here’s a few tips in conclusion to get you started:

•	Make a list of all the feelings and/or needs you’d like to express to your partner and write them down in a journal. Now, using the “I feel___when you____because___so instead, I’d prefer___” formula, practice creating your own “I” statements. The more times you do this, the more natural it will feel. Role-play with a trusted friend or go directly to your partner and give it a try!
•	Remember that it’s very important to identify the role that you yourself play in conflicts rather than putting all the emphasis on your partner and his behavior. You can’t change your partner.
•	Expand your feelings vocabulary. Read books on emotional intelligence to broaden your skill-set.
•	Identify any fears you may have that hold you back from listening or communicating your needs and feelings with your partner. Work at challenging them to support more connection in your relationship.

* The characters in this article are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people is purely coincidental.

© 2006 Brian L. Rzepczynski

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEBSITE? This article can be reprinted freely online, as long as the entire article and this resource box are included:

Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.

Please also include with the article the words © Copyright and prominently display a link to our main page at the end of the article. Any feedback would be appreciated and can be sent to brian@thegaylovecoach.com. Thank you!

“My Ex Needs Help!”

Dear Coach:

I broke up with my partner about 9 months ago because he was being very destructive in the sense he was drinking a lot and staying out late to avoid me and his life. We’re trying to work on being friends now at this time. My question is, how does one work on getting over and trusting someone who says they are getting their life back on track? The thing is, I don’t believe that’s really the case because he’s not strong enough to deal with all of these issues. I don’t love my ex anymore and don’t want to get back with him, but I do care for him and I want him to get better. He has the ability to be such an amazing guy. How do I get him to see that?

Concerned Ex

Dear Concerned Ex:

Thanks for writing. I applaud you for making what I imagine was a very difficult decision for you when you left your boyfriend 9 months ago. It sounds like he was going down a self-destructive path and your breakup marked your taking care of yourself and refusing to be a part of his downward spiral. That takes great self-esteem on your part, not to mention that continuing to stay may have hurt you even more in the long run and potentially could have enabled and reinforced his problem behaviors depending on the dynamics in your relationship. So you did the right thing it seems by being assertive and being true to your values and needs.

Trusting again may be difficult initially. You were hurt by what transpired and will need time to grieve the loss of the relationship and process your feelings about what happened. In time, and with your re-investment in a new life for yourself, you will begin to feel more comfortable taking risks and letting your guard down with others who have demonstrated honesty via congruence between their words and actions; this will be earned. Knowledge of your personal requirements, needs, wants, and goals will help you screen appropriate people to surround yourself with. Be sure to take stock of some of the ways you yourself may have contributed to the problems in your relationship with your ex so you can get to work at addressing and resolving these issues so you don’t repeat these patterns again in future relationships. That will also help build trust and confidence.

Your concern for your ex really comes through. While your heart appears in the right place, be careful and make sure to exercise good boundaries. Your breakup is still fresh and without adequate time apart to redefine new identities, you’re still vulnerable to replaying old scripts with each other (especially him since he still sounds stuck). Is this a healthy friendship for you to be in right now with the way things stand? If you’re going to remain friends, define your limits with each other clearly and be careful that you don’t get sucked back in and take responsibility for issues he needs to be accountable for. Offer your support and be a good listener. BE THERE without DOING FOR.

While it sounds like your ex could benefit from some professional help based on your description, unfortunately we can’t make or control other people to do anything, even if it would be in their best interests. He is responsible for his own behavior and choices, not you. At best, all you can really do is offer your opinions and feedback about what you’re observing (asking him first if he’d like to hear your concerns) and provide some possible referrals. Additionally, you could gather together all the people that make up his support system and have a group “intervention” in which you all as a team confront him together on his behavior, share how his actions have affected you all, point out consequences, and share concerns. This is a common technique in addictions treatment and I would recommend you meet with a licensed counselor for some short-term sessions if you choose this option so you can be taught how to conduct an “intervention” properly; it can be risky if not done the right way.

In closing, I offer you a question to ponder. Who is most invested in your ex getting better and improving himself? You or him? If the answer is you, consider that you may be doing most of the work here and are susceptible to getting trapped in a codependent situation. Make sure your current behavior isn’t enabling or reinforcing his acting-out and realize that he must be invested in his own growth before any real change can happen. You can’t rescue him from himself—he has to make that move himself. Have you forgiven yourself? Forgiven him? Work on this as well and throughout your grieving and adjustment process, work on reducing the amount of emotional power this situation may have on you so you can REALLY begin living your new life on a clean slate with lots of possibility ahead!

All my best to you!

--The Gay Love Coach

This section is dedicated to you members/subscribers where you can offer your own tips and insights, as well as make announcements for resources pertaining to gay dating and relationships that you know of that would be of benefit to us all! Please feel free to forward these for possible inclusion to brian@thegaylovecoach.com.

Results from The Gay Love Coach Question of the Month voting poll
	Question: Your partner has been offered the job of a lifetime and he wants to take it. The problem is that it requires moving to the other side of the country. What would you do?
	Results:	A.	Happily move with him in support of his career advancement	72%
		B.	He would move and I would stay in our present home while maintaining a long-distance relationship, visiting each other on weekends	13%
		C.	I would convince him not to take the job. We’ve built a life for ourselves where we are now. Why change that?	3%
		D.	I would end the relationship. I couldn’t stand in the way of his dreams and I just couldn’t leave my job, family, and friends	13%
				out of 32 votes

Go to www.TheGayLoveCoach.com to vote for this month’s new question now!

•	The Monthly Gay Horoscope:
	The horoscopes are taken from the astrology column “Stargayzer” through “The Starry Eye” by Madam Lichtenstein, and are written exclusively for the gay community. For more info on the column or to check out the other monthly horoscopes, visit the site here. The following are for those of you having a birthday in May! Happy Birthday!
	TAURUS (Apr21 - May 21) Back up your romantic words with a bit of action this May. Bulls seem especially good and talking .... and talking about how they feel. Yawn. Remember that actions speak louder than words. And even if it seems like you are hitting a brick wall in your ardor, a little perseverance will work wonders ... as well as champagne and large boxes of chocolates. Hint, hint.
	GEMINI (May 22 - Jun 21) Friends lead you into all sorts of expensive mischief. But how expensive is up to you. Twins may be running with the crowd but they are funding all the action. This is all well and good if the activity is to your liking. However if you find yourself compromising it may be time to switch groups. How about hanging out with a group of philanthropists?
•	Couples National Network Inc This web site is maintained by the Couples National Network to provide information about the organization to interested gay and lesbian couples and to promote the development of affiliate chapters in additional cities—so that more couples can have the opportunity to enjoy the social, educational and support activities of an organization that is committed to affirming the validity of same-gender relationships.
•	Need easy access to national LGBT resources but don’t know where to turn? The Gay & Lesbian National Hotline (1-888-THE-GLNH) is now available and offers peer counseling, information, and linkage to LGBT-friendly resources in your area. You can even volunteer if interested! Check out their website at http://www.glnh.org/index2.html.
•	How To Find Your Life Partner Workshop for Single Gay Men by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach and sponsored by The Letter Newspaper in Louisville, Kentucky: March 25, 2006. Morning workshop for single gay men seeking skills and strategies for improving their dating lives on their quests for Mr. Right. For more information or to register for the event, send an e-mail to editor@theletteronline.com with the words Gay Love Coach in the subject line.
•	Single Gay Men’s Conference in Saugatuck, Michigan: October 2006. Workshops on various topics related to gay singles, dances, social activities. For more information or to register for the event, visit the website at http://www.smsgathering.com.
•	Some additional resources of interest include:
	o Looking for a gay roommate? prideroommates.com o Searching for a good book? o Want more dating & relationship resources? Relationship Coaching Institute o Want to join the largest gay hub? Gay.com

Disclaimer: The Gay Love Coach does not represent or endorse the quality of any products, information, or materials displayed, purchased, or obtained by you as a result of its mention in this newsletter. It’s common sense to do your own due diligence before purchasing a product.

Copyright © 2006 Brian L. Rzepczynski. All Rights Reserved.