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Hi guys!

Summer has arrived! And it’s Pride Month to the boot; I hope you all get the opportunity to enjoy the festivities and celebrate gay pride in a city near you that hosts parades and parties in our honor! Be safe!

My trip to Louisville, Kentucky a few weeks ago to present my workshop “Finding Mr. Right” was a lot of fun and a special thanks goes out to the guys who came and made the day enjoyable. It was a great group of men and everyone was very nice and hospitable. It was a really good experience and afterwards my partner and I went to Churchill Downs to get a little taste of Louisville while we were there; it was my lucky day at the race-track when I won $25 on the one and only horse race I bet on! Gotta love it! So you eligible bachelors out there, head to Louisville! Kentucky guys rock! :) A CD of the workshop content will soon be available in the upcoming months, so I’ll keep you posted!

I have been offered my very own forum at a website called Gay Rites.net (www.gayrites.net), a site that features a large forum community with advice and opinion columnists, a huge directory of LGBT wedding and commitment ceremony resources, articles, books, and many other helpful resources. I will be posting all my newsletter articles there, adding additional tips and resources, and am hoping this can be another venue for all of us to dialogue with each other about gay dating and relationships. Check out my column and forum (will be available in the next 2 weeks) at http://www.gayrites.net/forum/default.asp . Let’s talk and share our ideas and opinions as a community!

Have a great month, guys!

All my best,
Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
Certified Personal Life Coach
brian@thegaylovecoach.com

“Rejection Sucks! A Gay Guy’s Primer On Dealing With It”
by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

Introduction
“Well, it was really nice meeting you, bud, but I don’t really think we’re a match. Good luck to you though!” –or- “Yeah, it was fun! I’ll call you!” –and then the call never comes.”

Sound familiar? We’ve all been there at one time or another. You know, that stabbing feeling of being unwanted that’s so hard to shake when it strikes. Yep—rejection! Rejection of all forms is a natural part of being human, from being declined for a job or being refused participation in a certain club. But as a single guy on a quest for a life partner, rejection is an inescapable given in the dating world as you search for a compatible counterpart. There is no way around it!

Now in this article, I’m not going to sugar-coat things and say “just get over it” or “it’s his loss if he doesn’t want to date you.” This type of common advice minimizes the impact rejection really has. The truth of the matter is that rejection sucks! It hurts, it’s no fun, and it can be difficult to swallow at times. But while rejection can be a nasty experience, it is a fact of life that needs to be accepted and embraced in order to survive and triumph over its effects. There’s no easy formula for overcoming the fear of rejection, but what’s offered here are some tips for making the most of it and taking on a new perspective to help you forage on and prevent it from holding you back from accomplishing your relationship goals and dreams.

Why Rejection Hurts
Growing up gay in a homophobic society poses many challenges as we face our developmental tasks and build an identity. As gay men, most of us carried boat-loads of shame and fears of not being accepted for who we were as we grew up (and a lot of us still struggle with these issues as adults) because of the messages from society that said being gay is “bad.” This prejudice and discrimination, coupled with the fear of not being accepted, can lead to an extra-hypersensitivity when any kind of rejection is perceived. This can be even more pronounced for those men who experienced banishment from their families or suffered some type of trauma or abuse for being gay. Low self-esteem, the tendency to have a strong need for approval, and to define one’s self-image around what others think of you can be additional culprits in making rejection seem insurmountable.

The Costs Are High!
For some single gay men, the fear of rejection acts as a huge barrier against their claiming one of their most desired goals—a loving relationship. This fear can manifest itself in giving up on dating, isolating oneself, avoiding risks that could result in positive life changes, a tendency to become desperate, needy, clingy, and a people-pleaser. Then there’s all the negative, pessimistic thinking, anxiety, potential to become codependent, fear of commitment, and presenting a false self to avoid exposing oneself and being vulnerable, which then leads to intimacy deficits, decreased social confidence, and sometimes it reaches dangerous depths of turning to things such as alcohol/drugs and sex to self-medicate against those feelings. The list goes on—yuck!

•	What does rejection mean to you?
•	What are some of the losses and negative consequences you’ve endured as a result of your fear of rejection, if any?

A Mental Shift Is Required
A new mindset is mandatory for conquering the negative effects of a fear of rejection in the dating world. Most struggles with rejection stem from your self-talk, the chatter we all have going on in our heads all the time. What you think affects how you feel which affects how you act, and then they all interrelate with each other. You can create a self-fulfilling prophecy that if you expect rejection, it’ll turn out that way. A lot of our fears of being “dismissed” come from such cognitive distortions (negative thought traps) as catastrophizing (blowing things out of proportion) and mindreading (making unfounded assumptions). You can certainly miss out on golden opportunities for meeting Mr. Right if you expend all your energy on your worries and negative thinking, not to mention that your self-esteem will be undermined and you won’t feel comfortable in your own skin.

Your job is to identify which thoughts help vs. hinder your cause; capitalize on those that boost your confidence and motivate you, and work at defeating those negative thoughts that keep you trapped in vicious cycles of self-defeat. Replace those negative tapes with more affirming statements; this will take a lot of consistent practice to internalize the new messages and counter the old ones that form your beliefs. Another option is to create situations for yourself that will prove your old negative beliefs wrong by demonstrating to yourself that you are capable of overcoming anything that acts as an obstacle to your success.

Tips For Coping With Rejection
The following are some ideas to help you reframe the way you think about rejection so it doesn’t seem so unbearable. Your negative beliefs can have a strong hold over you because they’re trying to protect you against perceived threat or harm, so some of these tips might inspire an “oh please!” or “yeah right!” attitude. Let your mind be open and pick and choose those that might best fit your personality and style. View any resistance you may feel as an indication that your self-protection mechanisms may have been triggered and refuse to be held victim by them any longer.

•	View rejection as a success. The fact that that guy doesn’t want to date you is saving you a lot of time and energy in building something that wouldn’t have worked out anyway. You’ve invested nothing, your heart is safe, and now you can channel your energies into new possibilities.
•	Typically, rejection has nothing to do with you; it’s a projection of the other person’s wants, needs, and life experiences. He doesn’t really know you. All he is aware of is what he saw and what you shared with him about yourself, but that’s not the totality of who you are. It’s more about him. It’s not your fault, so avoid personalizing it and realize also that you are not Mr. Right for every guy you meet and vice versa. Most people you date will not be the right guy for you.
•	Avoid attaching yourself to outcomes. Approach every date free from fantasy and as an opportunity to meet someone new. If something works out, then that’s an added bonus. Don’t mold yourself into a relationship just for the sake of being in one. Be the chooser!
•	A fear of being alone is closely tied to fear of rejection. The more value you place on someone, the stronger the fear will be, so take the emphasis off of him and find ways to value yourself. Discover ways to be “happily single”, independent, and don’t put stock in being fulfilled in your life only if you’re in a relationship. Identify your strengths and recognize what makes you a “good catch.” Cultivate a positive self-image.
•	Build your self-confidence by becoming the best “you” you can be. Invest in your personal growth, fine-tune your social skills, take safe and calculated risks, enhance your self-esteem and body image, develop a more balanced lifestyle with purposeful goals that will give you meaning. This will help take the focus off the other guy and put it more squarely on you and living your life to the max to where rejection won’t matter as much to you.
•	Whenever you experience feelings of rejection, write down the thoughts you’re having in a journal and work at correcting any distorted beliefs that may be hurting you. Are you condemning yourself? Are your thoughts reinforcing low self-esteem? How are you contributing to your own feelings of rejection? Develop your own personal list of affirmations that will encourage and affirm you and rehearse them daily.
•	Most importantly, stop giving emotional power to these men! How do you even know if this guy was really a match for you either? Are you projecting? His saying “no” to another date basically means that your personal requirements for a long-term relationship do not appear to match up. It is the traits, not you! And if a rejection occurs over something superficial, you don’t want to be with that person anyway. Superficiality does not equal long-term sustenance in relationships. Overcome your fear of being negatively judged by having a solid grasp on your vision and requirements to operate from that.

Conclusion
While nobody likes to be rejected, remember that it’s all about perception and that you have total control over the way that you think and interpret things; you have no control over the other person. Reframe your experience of rejection in more positive terms, develop a mindset of acceptance to bounce back quickly, and keep centered on your goals and beliefs in your ability to lead a happy life. Dating is risky business and not for the faint of heart, but can be a rewarding adventure. Don’t let your fears of rejection paralyze your life; live by the mantra NO MORE MISSED OPPORTUNITIES and remember that the main reason Mr. Right will want to be with you is by you being who you inherently are—that’s why he will fall in love with you and vice versa. So be yourself! Keep an ongoing log of affirmations that resonate with you to help you stay upbeat and centered during those difficult times, and in conclusion, here’s a neat way of looking at rejection.

To build resiliency, you must experience disappointment and rejection and failure and learn that one, you can survive it, and two that sometimes the universe has a better plan for you than you had for yourself all along. --- Azriela Jaffe, author of “Starting From No: 10 Strategies to Overcome Your Fear of Rejection and Succeed in Business.”

© 2006 Brian L. Rzepczynski

“Fear of Negative Evaluation”

As you can see from reading this month’s feature article on coping with rejection, a large symptom of this fear is an additional fear of being judged or negatively evaluated. This following self-test is taken from The Honk Kong Polytechnic University website: Fear of Negative Evaluation

Take this true/false test they have created to help you determine how much the fear of negative evaluation plays in your life and its possible connection to any fears of rejection you may have.

The more you find the following situations are true for you, the more your fear of negative evaluation:

1.	I am often afraid that I may look ridiculous or make a fool of myself.
2.	I am frequently afraid of other people noticing my shortcomings.
3.	If someone is evaluating me, I tend to expect the worst.
4.	I often worry about what kind of impression I am making on someone.
5.	I am upset if I do not please someone.
6.	When I am talking to someone, I worry about what they may be thinking about me.
7.	I often worry that I will say or do the wrong things.
8.	I am not confident that others will have a favorable impression of me.
9.	I become tense and jittery if I know someone is sizing me up.
10.	The disapproval of others will have great effect on me.

“More Flirting Tips”
In our February 2006 Newsletter, the feature article entitled “Flirt Like A Superstar (And Have Droves of Gay Men Begging For Your Phone Number) offered tips and strategies for improving your flirting skills out in the dating arena. Here’s the link to read this article if you missed it: http://www.thegaylovecoach.com/newsletters/2006/newsletter0206.html

One of our subscribers wrote to me this past week with some additional flirting tips he’s learned along the way that he requested I share. What follows is a list of his tips he has contributed to this month’s newsletter. Thank you!

Flirting Tips

1.	Dare! Life is too short and beautiful to feel shame or be shy.
2.	Enjoy flirting and make the other person enjoy flirting with you too.
3.	Feel confident. You don’t have anything to lose, but everything to win.
4.	Smile when you dance, smile when you talk with your friends, and smile whenever you talk with a guy.
5.	Be aware of everything in your environment and don’t miss the chance to send eye-signals to someone who expresses interest.
6.	Be the host, not the guest. It means that you go and talk to that person instead of waiting for him to come to you.
7.	Whenever you initiate a contact with someone, use an original opening line and be natural.

I’d like to end this article by adding that appearances may be deceiving. Not all cute guys that are trying to talk to someone at nightclubs are looking for sex. There are people just like me who are looking for romance! --Age 26, Mexico City, Mexico

--The Gay Love Coach

This section is dedicated to you members/subscribers where you can offer your own tips and insights, as well as make announcements for resources pertaining to gay dating and relationships that you know of that would be of benefit to us all! Please feel free to forward these for possible inclusion to brian@thegaylovecoach.com.

Results from The Gay Love Coach Question of the Month voting poll
	Question: As a single gay man, my typical sexual behavior with respect to condom use is…
	Results:	A.	I am currently abstinent from sex	30%
		B.	I only have safe sex with condoms	42%
		C.	Sometimes I’m safe, sometimes I’m not	21%
		D.	I only “bareback”; I hate condoms	6%
				out of 33 votes

Go to www.TheGayLoveCoach.com to vote for this month’s new question now!

•	The Monthly Gay Horoscope:
	The horoscopes are taken from the astrology column “Stargayzer” through “The Starry Eye” by Madam Lichtenstein, and are written exclusively for the gay community. For more info on the column or to check out the other monthly horoscopes, visit the site here. The following are for those of you having a birthday in June! Happy Birthday!
	GEMINI (May 22 - Jun 21) Sun in your own sign marks a time of increased charisma where everyone seeks to orbit around your gravitational pull. While it will be tempting to lie back and watch the revolution, try not to get lazy. You make excellent first impressions and can easily set new projects into motion. Pink Twins pack more charm per square inch than usual. Hmm, how many inches is that really?
	CANCER (Jun 22 - Jul 23) Feeling confined and pent up? There is nothing to stop you from clearing out your cosmic debris when Sun enters Gemini. Proud Crabs should not hold back. Blow the door off your closet and clean it out. Fear of fall out? Check out this added bonus; Those who don’t have your best interests at heart are thwarted in their vile and dastardly plans. Aha!
•	Single Gay Men’s Conference in Saugatuck, Michigan: October 2006. Workshops on various topics related to gay singles, dances, social activities. For more information or to register for the event, visit the website at http://www.smsgathering.com.
•	Some additional resources of interest include:
	o Looking for a gay roommate? prideroommates.com o Searching for a good book? o Want more dating & relationship resources? Relationship Coaching Institute o Want to join the largest gay hub? Gay.com

Disclaimer: The Gay Love Coach does not represent or endorse the quality of any products, information, or materials displayed, purchased, or obtained by you as a result of its mention in this newsletter. It’s common sense to do your own due diligence before purchasing a product.

Copyright © 2006 Brian L. Rzepczynski. All Rights Reserved.