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Hi guys!

Having a great summer so far? I hope so! It’s been so crazy and busy that it feels like the season is just whipping by! Lots of family stuff going on (my niece’s 1st Birthday, my favorite aunt’s wedding, my partner and I contemplating a summer home) and I was totally wowed by the Madonna concert that came through here in Chicago (I just love her!). Next up…The Gay Games are ready to roll out in the next couple weeks, so it’s going to be hopping around here in The Windy City! I hope you guys will be able to join in on the festivities!

A special thanks goes out to David and Randy who are the owners of GayRites.net. Last month, I announced a merging with this website, which houses The Gay Love Coach Forum where we can dialogue about gay dating and relationship topics. They have generously given me a lot of PR exposure and have landed me a spot on a cable television show’s blog. Have you ever heard of the cable network channel Logo and their popular TV show “My Fabulous Gay Wedding”? Of course you have! A press release about The Gay Love Coach forum on GayRites.net is being advertised on the TV show’s blogsite! Check it out at http://myfabgaywedding.blogspot.com on the July 5, 2006 posting. Very exciting! Thanks again to David and Randy, you guys are the best!

If you live in the Chicagoland area, please feel free to drop by Community Alliance & Action Network (CAAN) in Joliet, IL on Saturday, July 29, 2006 from 7:00-8:00pm when I will be giving a talk on how to meet a life partner for singles in the dating world. Please visit CAAN's site at http://www.caanmidwest.org for more information.

And finally, I'm going to be on a talk radio show! I've been asked by hosts Michele Economou and Aliza Silverman from "Single Talk-Life, Love, and Dating" at World Talk Radio.com to speak on their show about gay dating and singlehood. The live show is scheduled for Saturday, August 12 from 1:00-3:00pm PST.  For details, check out the show's site at http://www.worldtalkradio.com/show.asp?sid=191. Feel free to listen in if you'd like. If you're not able to make it, we're trying to arrange to post the recording of the show on my website, so hopefully we'll be able to make that happen. It should be a good time!

Thanks for all the letters and support! Our subscriber base continues to grow, with new community members reaching as far as Africa and Australia! Welcome! Enjoy your month, guys and I hope you enjoy this edition of the newsletter.

Have a great month, guys!

All my best,
Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
Certified Personal Life Coach
brian@thegaylovecoach.com

“Taming The Drama Queen Within”
by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

Introduction
Question: My boyfriend had enough of me being a “drama queen” as he called me and then ended our relationship. I didn’t get what he meant by that. I was only trying to express my feelings and communicate my thoughts. Now he calls me a “big drama queen” in front of his friends and I feel humiliated. How do I know if I’m a drama queen and if I am one, what can I do to stop being one?”

One of three things is possibly going on for this subscriber’s situation:

1.	His partner ended the relationship for some other reason than he stated and used the global “drama queen” label as an “easy out” for avoiding taking responsibility for why he truly left.
2.	His partner may be emotionally stifled, uncomfortable with his own or others’ feelings and could not tolerate his boyfriend’s expressiveness, thereby leading him to terminate the relationship to distance himself.
3.	He may be overly-passionate with his emotions and lack restraint or boundaries with effectively managing his feelings, unaware that he may have been overwhelming and pushing his partner away with his intensity.

There could be a whole host of other reasons for the breakup, but the above could be most likely. If the reason was #1 or #2, our subscriber is better off searching for a more compatible partner who is capable of emotional expression, active listening, and direct communication of his needs and wants. The fact that the ex-boyfriend taunted him about his emotionality to his friends is also a sign of disrespect and he should  view this as a big “red flag” about his ex’s level of maturity, character, and integrity. If the reason is #3, our subscriber may benefit from learning skills to better regulate his emotions to avoid reactivity in his relationships with others; this could be alienating him from getting his needs met.

This article will offer some strategies for how to manage your feelings in your relationship with your partner so you can change the dynamics that exist toward more positive results for both of you.

What Is A Drama Queen?
Personally, I hate labels and “drama queen” tends to carry a negative connotation that describes someone who is over-emotional, irrational, and over-the-top with his reactions and interpretations of events. I prefer to define a “drama queen” as someone who is very passionate about how he feels and communicates this exuberance in a magnified way that can be out-of-proportion to the situation at-hand. How’s that for a politically correct definition?!

Other personality characteristics might include extreme sensitivity, jumping to negative conclusions, thinking the worst about everything, moody, prone to over-reacting, taking things out of context, impulsive, flamboyant, and the list goes on and on. These are, of course, stereotypical qualities; however, the defining feature would be the exaggerated sense of being reactive. Drama queen-types share common distorted thinking styles that lend them to react to situations the way they do, namely catastrophizing (blowing things out of proportion, dramatizing, creating worst-case scenarios and basing their decisions off of these judgments), mindreading (assuming they know what others are thinking without having the evidence to back it up), black-and-white thinking (thinking in all/nothing and either/or terms), and overgeneralizing (making sweeping judgments about something or someone across the board, using such words as always, never, everybody, and nobody). The problem with the drama queen label is that it gives feelings a bad rap, and that’s a dangerous consequence. The key to success is finding that balance so that one doesn’t operate within extremes.

Facts About Feelings

•	As cliché as it sounds, all feelings are valid and ok; it’s what you do with them that counts. They aren’t right or wrong—they just are.
•	Feelings communicate to us what we need, what matters to us, and what’s going on. They are signals to pay attention to and help us make decisions about what to say and do. Therefore, it’s important to label the emotions we experience.
•	We choose how we feel; nobody makes us feel a certain way, and conversely, we cannot change other people’s feelings. Our reactions to situations are within our control.
•	Feelings demand recognition and should not be “stuffed.” Without some kind of healthy outlet for release, they can contribute to stress, medical and mental health issues, interpersonal problems, and lead to self-destructive behaviors to self-medicate against their effects.

8 Strategies For Quieting Your Inner Drama Queen
Here are some suggestions for keeping your feelings “in-check” so they don’t bubble-over and create undue stress for yourself or contribute to escalating conflict with your partner during important discussions.

1.	Pay attention to the sensations you feel in your body that signal upset developing. Delay your reaction to what’s happening and take a “Time Out” to compose yourself and gain some clarity of thought and perspective.
2.	Keep a journal, draw out your feelings on paper, express yourself through some type of art project, exercise, practice relaxation techniques
3.	Identify the triggers that prompt times of strong emotion for you. Do you notice any patterns? How can you restructure those situations? Engage in some productive problem-solving to generate some possible solutions.
4.	Monitor your self-talk. Your thoughts contribute to your feelings and behavior (they interrelate with each other too). During emotional times, keep a written log of the situations, feelings, and thoughts that occur and work at uncovering self-talk that can heighten your mood or cause distortions in thinking. Pay close attention to catastrophizing and overgeneralizing thoughts and beliefs.
5.	During a moment of drama, ask yourself these questions to gain some additional perspective: Is this a real or imagined threat? If it’s real, what’s the likelihood that it will happen? Can I really not cope with it? What’s the worst possible thing that could happen and is it a life or death threat? More often than not, you will feel defused after doing some reality-testing like this.
6.	Examine your times of strong emotion and determine their function. What’s the purpose behind your feelings or outbursts? What do you hope to accomplish? What do you gain with such behavior? Stress relief? A sense of power? Attention? Try to find alternate ways of getting these needs met.
7.	A lot of times in relationships, conflicts occur because the couple has unmet needs that they are acting-out toward each other rather than being direct and asking for what they want. When you overreact with your partner, is it because he’s not meeting a need? Do you not feel heard or understood so that drama becomes a way of demanding his attention or adding an element of emphasis to your points? Learn to be assertive and make requests while doing the same for your boyfriend. Develop your mastery of communication and conflict negotiation skills.
8.	Arguments or “drama sessions” with our partners take on predictable patterns over time, called chain reactions. He does or says something, you respond, he reacts, you react, and a downward spiral of negative responses to each other’s statements and behaviors ensues. Draw a diagram on a piece of paper of your chain reactions in your relationship and practice re-writing these scripts so they point toward more productive outcomes.

Conclusion
There is a cure for drama-queenitis! Be open to and identify your feelings, seek healthy channels of release for your emotions, and find ways to strike a balance with them and logic to create a more level and stable emotional posture. As a couple, support each other and try to understand the underlying feelings and dynamics at play underneath your conflicts because there is special meaning behind the drama. In addition, make sure to take an appraisal of your life history and begin to heal any past hurts that you might be projecting into your relationship that could take the form of dramatization. If you or your partner have difficulty understanding the language of emotions, read books on emotional intelligence and resiliency. Applying these strategies can help modulate your emotions and promote a much happier personal life. Let the drama be served up at the theatre instead!

© 2006 Brian L. Rzepczynski

“Loving A Bisexual Man ”

Dear Coach:

I have been in a relationship with a closeted bisexual man for a year. He is finding it hard to accept himself and his feelings for me. He has a 3-year old daughter whom I’m very close with and he’s scared of his ex-wife. How do I draw him closer without threatening his security?

Dear Friend:

Loving someone who is still coming to terms with his sexual identity can be quite challenging because of the very different places you each are developmentally. These relationships often times can be overwhelming for each partner; the “out” partner can feel held back from experiencing his identity and life to the fullest by the pressure he feels from his more anxious lover, who in contrast leans toward being avoidant of situations that would call attention to his sexuality; the relationship can then become defined by that underlying strain. Your situation is further compounded by what sounds like an additional layer of stress your partner feels toward his ex-wife, fearful of how she might handle her knowledge of your relationship, particularly with their sharing a child. It is understandable how you might feel somewhat neglected and abandoned by your partner’s periodic closeness and then distance, feeling ruled by his particular level of security from day-to-day. This is the nature of this type of relationship and it is nobody’s fault. His push-pull dynamic is likely related to his struggles with his identity and trying to negotiate and manage his anxiety as opposed to anything you’re doing, but you will need to determine this for sure and identify how much of a role your behaviors and interactions in the relationship play into his discomfort.

While these kinds of relationships tend to require more effort and hard work because of these issues, they can and do flourish with good communication and negotiation of each partner’s needs, wants, and values. It’s important to recognize that it is your partner’s responsibility to work through his coming-out process. There is nothing you can do to push him along to greater self-acceptance; coming out is   a very personal and unique individual experience and he must come to terms with this in his own way. Your efforts, though well-intentioned, could sabotage things and cause him to distance even further into himself. Your best bet to try and draw him closer is to be his #1 supporter and let him be in charge of pacing his own comfort with intimacy in your relationship.

Be a good listener and demonstrate to him that you’re there for him to share his thoughts and feelings with about what he’s going through. Don’t attach any expectations and anticipate lots of highs and lows. Avoid telling him what to do or soliciting advice; let him ask for your feedback or ask him first before offering your wisdom or suggestions. Try to validate his experience and empathize with him. As you support him through this process, patience and compromise will be key. Try and build your support network to include other friendships or couples that share a mixed sexual-orientation relationship style like your own. He may also benefit from some assistance in a coming out support group, working with a licensed therapist, or by networking with others in bisexual support organizations. Check out http://www.bisexual.org for linkage to bisexual resources in your area that might be helpful for him.

But the most important thing to remember is that you have needs too. You will need to decide what you need and value out of a relationship and may need to establish a time-line of when you will gauge any progress that has been made with your efforts at closeness and bonding as a couple. Some men obviously decide to remain closeted indefinitely and you will need to explore your personal requirements about whether this would be a scenario that you would be willing to continue in over the long-haul. If your desire is to be one of the top priorities in his life, his resolution of his sexual identity issues will be critical; without this, you will always be in competition with his anxiety and he will have a hard time committing as his defenses create additional ways to hold you at arms length due to insecurity and internalized homophobia/biphobia. And the difficulty with this is that it is completely out of your control…his resolution is in his own hands only.

After a year together and with your having established a meaningful relationship with his daughter, it’s apparent the two of you share a special connection. The relationship is still very young and your boyfriend is obviously going through a lot of “firsts” as the two of you grow together; he needs time and space to experience and integrate these moments. You also need to keep living your life to the fullest and include him in as much as both you and he are comfortable. If you want to attend a Pride event, ask him if he wants to join you. If you’re in the mood to hang out with your friends, invite him along. You’re showing a desire for him to participate in your life and respect his declining such gestures for the moment as his efforts at “pacing” and “moving along the learning curve.” By you living your life, establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries, and living by your values, he just might start mirroring your behaviors after awhile and that could help jump-start his coming-out process. Avoid sacrificing your goals and needs if he’s not wanting to partake in the things you’d like to do, otherwise you become a part of his “personal closet” and you may end up resenting him or yourself for not having followed through with your dreams.

So be yourself, keep the channels of communication flowing, and be patient and flexible to the ebbs and flows that will exist. And hopefully down the line, he’ll catch up to you in the developmental path of self-acceptance and you can share a richer experience as a couple, free from distractions and be able to live authentically as a couple without inhibitions. Good luck to you!

--The Gay Love Coach

This section is dedicated to you members/subscribers where you can offer your own tips and insights, as well as make announcements for resources pertaining to gay dating and relationships that you know of that would be of benefit to us all! Please feel free to forward these for possible inclusion to brian@thegaylovecoach.com.

Results from The Gay Love Coach Question of the Month voting poll
	Question: How accepting is your family of your partner?…
	Results:	A.	Very accepting! They are very supportive of our relationship and get along with him great!	46%
		B.	Moderately. They get along with him, but there’s a degree of tension	13%
		C.	Ouch! They don’t get along at all and have frequent arguments and personality clashes	0%
		D.	My family knows that I’m gay, but they don’t know that I’m in a relationship	13%
		E.	My family doesn’t know I’m gay; I’m not “out” to them	29%
				out of 24 votes

Go to www.TheGayLoveCoach.com to vote for this month’s new question now!

•	The Monthly Gay Horoscope:
	The horoscopes are taken from the astrology column “Stargayzer” through “The Starry Eye” by Madam Lichtenstein, and are written exclusively for the gay community. For more info on the column or to check out the other monthly horoscopes, visit the site here. The following are for those of you having a birthday in July! Happy Birthday!
	CANCER (Jun 22 - Jul 23) Don’t sit quietly stewing in your own thoughts this July. Mars commands you to say what needs to be said. Crabs have put up with lots of hot air from certain idiots over the past few weeks. Quiet suffering is not your thing. Of course, that may mean that you make a few folks uncomfortable and burn a few bridges. Do I see an ash or two fly by?
	LEO (Ju1 24 - Aug 23) Feeling confined and pent up? There is nothing to stop you from clearing out your cosmic debris when Sun enters Gemini. Proud Crabs should not hold back. Blow the door off your closet and clean it out. Fear of fall out? Check out this added bonus; Those who don’t have your best interests at heart are thwarted in their vile and dastardly plans. Aha!
•	The Gay Love Coach Forum at GayRites.net (http://www.gayrites.net). Come and join the interactive forum where anything and everything is up for discussion pertaining to gay dating and relationships. Read informative articles, ask questions, and comment on topics of discussion. It’s free to join and it’s a great place to dialogue about relationship issues and develop new friendships! It’s a great site to visit as well, check it out!
•	On the heels of this month’s feature article, if you would like more information on emotional education and learning about feelings, a good book I’d recommend is called “Emotional Intelligence” by Daniel Goleman, a national bestseller that will teach you how to strengthen your EQ (as opposed to IQ) and become more proficient with your emotional life. Check it out at your local bookstore or through Amazon.com (a link to this site is available below).
•	Single Gay Men’s Conference in Saugatuck, Michigan: October 2006. Workshops on various topics related to gay singles, dances, social activities. For more information or to register for the event, visit the website at http://www.smsgathering.com.
•	Some additional resources of interest include:
	o Looking for a gay roommate? prideroommates.com o Searching for a good book? o Want more dating & relationship resources? Relationship Coaching Institute o Want to join the largest gay hub? Gay.com

Disclaimer: The Gay Love Coach does not represent or endorse the quality of any products, information, or materials displayed, purchased, or obtained by you as a result of its mention in this newsletter. It’s common sense to do your own due diligence before purchasing a product.

Copyright © 2006 Brian L. Rzepczynski. All Rights Reserved.