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Hi guys!

Happy Anniversary! This issue of “The Man 4 Man Plan” marks Year #3 of the newsletter and I hope you’ve been enjoying it as much as I’ve enjoyed writing it! Starting with the next edition, there will be a slight change to the format that I hope you’ll appreciate. Rather than the typical alternating content of the newsletter from one month being devoted to singles and the next month being devoted to couples, there will be no distinction between the two any longer as each newsletter will now have two articles included that will have topics of interest to everyone! Now you won’t have to skip a month waiting for information regarding your particular relationship status as each edition will have something for all! So be on the lookout for that in the next issue!

It’s been quite a busy month for my partner and I as we moved in to our new log cabin cottage in Michigan, a long-time dream of mine having come true after much hard work! There was still time for me to be interviewed by Aliza Silverman and Michele Economou from World Talk Radio on their show “Single Talk” about gay dating (based off of last month’s newsletter article). It was my first radio experience (“Like A Virgin”) and it was very exciting…ok, honestly, it was exciting combined with sheer terror, but I made it through all right and it only took me a few hours afterwards to return to normal breathing. If you missed the live show, the link to the recorded version will be available soon on my website at www.thegaylovecoach.com/programs_services.html under Teleclasses. Give it a listen! Those divas will have you laughing!

Make your dreams come true this month and thank you so much for your support these past couple years. Here’s to more great times! Have a great month!

All my best,
Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
Certified Personal Life Coach
brian@thegaylovecoach.com

“Validate Your Way To Gay Relationship Bliss”
by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

Introduction
Over the years, I’ve had slews of couples come through my office with a variety of presenting issues that range anywhere from communication breakdowns, to sexual dysfunctions, to infidelities, to diminished passion, etc. These only name but a few, but the common denominator that appears pervasive throughout most relationship difficulties is a climate of tension, resentment, and mistrust that results when the partners don’t feel acknowledged or honored by each other. This can erode the foundation that the relationship is built upon and jeopardizes the love, closeness, and attachment the couple had developed. Mayday! Mayday! Relationship rescue is now needed!

The interpersonal skill of validation is one technique that can help enrich any relationship and is a great tool for solidifying emotional bonds and fostering more intimacy between loving partners. This article will explore the concept of validation and offer suggestions for incorporating more of it with your partner to promote more heightened “relationship bliss.”

What Is Validation?
In the initial stages of dating, it’s not too difficult to validate each other. This “honeymoon phase” of relationship development is depicted by high chemistry, thinking about each other all the time and wanting to devote energy to being with one another. You feel excited and boosted by the other’s attraction for you and attention. It requires very little effort and is usually described as a “magical” feeling. Over time, however, this “spark” tends to diminish and is a normal sign of the maturing of the relationship, not necessarily a signal that something is wrong.

Long-term relationships require lots of validation for sustenance and nourishment. Validation is letting your partner know how much you appreciate him. It’s being attentive to his needs and acknowledging him as someone of value to you, regardless of whether you agree or disagree about areas of contention. It’s making him feel important, showing him how much meaning he brings to your life. Validation is the ultimate expression of love for your partner. The key is to be genuine, consistent, and deliver it in the style to which you know your partner likes to be attended.

Validate Your Man!
The greatest way to validate your lover is to use your knowledge and wisdom of his needs, personality, tastes, and preferences and communicate it verbally or through action in ways that will have the most and meaning and impact for him.

In his groundbreaking book, “The Five Love Languages (2004)”, Dr. Gary Chapman, Ed.D exposes how we all express love in different ways; what is meaningful and validating to you may be indifferent to your boyfriend. The key to relationship success, according to Chapman, is to understand each other’s unique needs and learn the correct love language to express so each partner is fulfilled. Chapman identifies the five specific love languages as:

1.	Words of Affirmation (verbal compliments & appreciations, kind words, encouragement)
2.	Quality Time (togetherness, conversation, activities)
3.	Receiving Gifts (flowers, surprise gifts)
4.	Acts of Service (doing things for your partner that he likes/wants)
5.	Physical Touch (affection, holding hands, back rubs, kissing, sex)

By speaking your partner’s primary love language, you are validating him in a way that matters most to him and increases the chances he’ll reciprocate back to meet your needs in ways you prefer.

Validate Yourself!
An important point needs to be made in that it’s critical you learn how to validate yourself too! While giving and receiving validation with your partner is a positive relationship skill to practice, it’s equally vital to empower yourself. You don’t want to create a dependency on your partner to meet all your needs; you are responsible for your own happiness and should avoid placing expectations on your relationship to fulfill your life. Learn how to boost your self-esteem and soothe yourself when life or your relationship gets tenuous. This will help you cope better with disappointments and avoid placing pressure on your partner for something you must take ownership for. As partners, teach each other on how you best like to be treated, but also be proactive in taking charge of your own life and making things happen for your success.

Action Challenges

1.

As an exercise, both you and your partner can make separate lists detailing what you imagine your lover doing that would be pleasing to you. Then at a later time, exchange your lists, talk about them, and begin performing the items on the lists. This can be an easy reference for accomplishing tasks that you each know would be validating for the other.

2.

Purchase the book “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. While written primarily for a heterosexual audience, the material definitely pertains to gay couples as well and I highly recommend it as a valuable resource. What is your primary love language? What is your partner’s? How can you work together as a team to meet each other’s needs in ways that you each appreciate the most in your own unique styles of preference? The book also contains personal assessment tools and exercises to help you integrate the content into your relationship.

Conclusion
While validation won’t solve all your relationship woes, it certainly will go a long way toward creating a climate of support, encouragement, and attentiveness that can inspire more intimacy, trust, and commitment. Make a conscious effort to learn more about your partner’s needs and your own and tailor approaches that will create the most impact for both of you. With practice, validation will become second nature and “relationship bliss” can be yours for the taking!

Reference:  Chapman, Gary (2004). The Five Love Languages: How To Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Chicago: Northfield Publishing.

© 2006 Brian L. Rzepczynski

“Where Did I Go Wrong With My Crush?”

Dear Coach:

I’m having trouble and confusion getting over a crush. A year ago I was visiting my parents in my old hometown and went out to a local gay bar one evening and was shocked to run into a guy that I used to work with. I had always been attracted to him and I approached him and talked, and we hit it off! We corresponded by e-mail after that and he revealed right away that he was partnered. Still, something in the e-mail and our verbal conversations made me feel like there was something between us, so I pursued a friendship with him and we became close friends. I learned that he and his partner were having problems; I just listened, still not saying that I was interested in him romantically because I wanted to be respectful, give him space, and not be directly involved in the breakup of a long-term relationship. Our friendship seemed so solid that time seemed on our side. A couple months later, he told me that he and his partner had broken up and clearly stated that this was his time to play around and not get tied down. Again, I did not state my interest because I wanted to be respectful and support his decision. Then everything changed; he stopped e-mailing and would only call upon my initiation. Six months after his breakup, I asked him to dinner, ready to tell him about my true feelings and he told me that he was involved with someone. Devestated that he was dating someone, I told him the truth about my feelings and he looked stunned and said “I can’t do that right now.” Since then, he has not responded to any of my calls and I am so hurt and wonder what my mistake was. It took me 45 years to finally meet someone who made me feel the way he did; will I ever find that again? Why did I play it so cool and freeze when it came to being honest with my feelings from the beginning? Why doesn’t he call anymore? Despite all of this, I’m still very drawn to him. What do I do?

Crush Gone Wrong

Dear Crush Gone Wrong:

Thanks for writing and I’m sorry that you’re hurting right now. It sounds like your connection with this man was very profound for you and his loss is very difficult to deal with. Especially with him being the one person whom you’ve felt the strongest about in your dating history, it makes this experience all the more painful and I just want you to know that what your feeling is perfectly normal under the circumstances. You’re going through a grieving process and it’s normal at this time for you to be preoccupied with the loss. Questioning yourself in terms of what went wrong, your role in the outcome, wondering what could have been, etc. These are all things to expect and anticipate as you continue to grieve and heal.

From the way you told your story of your history with this man, I would have to say that you actually conducted yourself with integrity and responsibility. Learning that he was partnered when you met him helped you keep some necessary boundaries since he was unavailable, and you respected his situation in spite of the fact that he was having problems with his boyfriend. Your friendship and support seems like it was very meaningful to him. After his breakup, his statement that this was his time to play the field and not be tied down was a signal to you that he was not interested in a romantic relationship; while this may have been difficult for you to withhold your true feelings for him, the fact that you seemed to want a relationship did not match his particular needs at that time. You were both in different places in terms of what your needs and goals were.

The sad thing about your situation is that I’m afraid that the odds were stacked against the two of you from the beginning; a classic case of bad timing. From the moment you reconnected with him in that bar, he was never physically or emotionally available to you. He couldn’t be with you when he was partnered, and he couldn’t be with you after his breakup because of his going through his own grieving process and need to re-acquaint with the dating world on a casual and sexual basis (he wasn’t available to you at this time because he didn’t want anything besides sex, whereas you were looking for something with more depth I’m surmising). It’s difficult to ascertain whether he shared an attraction for you in the way you felt toward him. Whether he did or not, the problem is that so much time had passed that it’s likely he defined your relationship as purely friendship…because that’s how it had always been and the chemistry he shared with you was more dominated by feelings of you as a supportive pal. Your declaration of your true feelings for him sounds like it took him by surprise, jolting him and paralyzing him of sorts because it was changing the image he’d had of you. It’s my assumption that that’s probably why you’ve not heard from him since, because of his discomfort he now feels about the changed status (in his perception) of your friendship.

So please don’t beat yourself up over this, because it doesn’t appear that you had much opportunity anyway because of the developmental path he was on. Your keeping your boundaries and respecting his position and wishes was the right thing to do even though you didn’t get what you wanted in the end. And that sucks, I know! Especially with all the months you likely felt tortured by your attraction and held yourself back..that had to be very hard.

The major area I would encourage you to explore further with yourself is boundaries. While you exercised good boundaries with him, it seems like it was more challenging for you to set your own boundaries with yourself. You didn’t act upon your feelings, which is good in this situation, but your feelings of desire were still alive and you continued to cultivate them as time went on, which gave him a lot of unknown emotional power over you. That’s not so good. You need to regain personal power of your life back again now. Examine your relationship history to see if there are any patterns of being attracted to unavailable men. While chemistry and attraction can have a very strong hold on us, it’s important to not hang onto them when someone is not able to reciprocate. Learn how to set limits with yourself to avoid falling in love with men who cannot give you what you need and want and pay attention to the signals and clues they give you in terms of their availability/position in life/vision and don’t ignore them with the hopes that things will change. It’s not an easy task, but you will need to learn how to say goodbye to feelings of attraction for someone who can’t or doesn’t feel the same for you and redefine the relationship on purely friendship terms; if you’re unable to do this, you may have to consider whether maintaining contact is in your best interests. Acknowledge the attraction to yourself, grieve the feelings, “let them go”, and define the relationship as purely friendship. This will allow you to move on with your life and continue your quest for more suitable dating partners.

So begin by taking the emphasis off of him and focus on the ultimate reality of the situation which is he really didn’t meet your personal requirements for a long-term relationship because he wasn’t available…and there’s nothing you could do about it; it was completely out of your control.  There is no fault to assign here because you were both on different paths; great guys, but different priorities and needs. So take time now to create a sense of closure over this particular chapter in your life so you can move forward with lessons learned and craft a new dating plan that will promote your screening men who are available and capable of returning the degree of intimacy you deserve and desire. It will take time and the hurt over this lost relationship will likely linger for some time, but it’s important to work through your feelings and reinvest in a new life and identity. Your Mr. Right is out there! You just need more practice tempering your attractions, pacing a dating relationship at a slow pace to determine whether it’s a goodness-of-fit before you invest your heart too much into it, becoming more finely attuned to the signals that are being communicated to you about where each man you date is at in his relationship potential, and boosting your confidence in the fact that there are quality men out there who will fit the bill! You’ll be great!

I wish you all the best, my friend, hang in there and take care of yourself!

--The Gay Love Coach

This section is dedicated to you members/subscribers where you can offer your own tips and insights, as well as make announcements for resources pertaining to gay dating and relationships that you know of that would be of benefit to us all! Please feel free to forward these for possible inclusion to brian@thegaylovecoach.com.

Results from The Gay Love Coach Question of the Month voting poll
	Question: Have you ever been involved in a gay relationship in which there was domestic violence between you and your partner?
	Results:	A.	Yes	34%
		B.	No	66%
				out of 35 votes

Go to www.TheGayLoveCoach.com to vote for this month’s new question now!

•	The Monthly Gay Horoscope:
	The horoscopes are taken from the astrology column “Stargayzer” through “The Starry Eye” by Madam Lichtenstein, and are written exclusively for the gay community. For more info on the column or to check out the other monthly horoscopes, visit the site here. The following are for those of you having a birthday in September! Happy Birthday!
	VIRGO (Aug 24 - Sep 23) Tackle a long delayed large home improvement project or residential move this September with the help of Pluto. Virgins are well positioned to envision the big picture as well as focus down on the most miniscule details. Nothing gets by you. So make your home your palace. Domestic bliss is yours for the taking. Take it before it fizzles.
	LIBRA (Sep 24 - Oct 23) There is something quite powerful in the way you express yourself this September. Libras are usually very diplomatic and charming and now, with the help of Pluto, you can also be very astonishing and compelling. Wow. So will you take your ideas to the world ... or even to the street? Or will you waste your genius on idle chit chat and gossip? Hmm let’s take a bet.
•	The Gay Love Coach Forum at GayRites.net (http://www.gayrites.net). Come and join the interactive forum where anything and everything is up for discussion pertaining to gay dating and relationships. Read informative articles, ask questions, and comment on topics of discussion. It’s free to join and it’s a great place to dialogue about relationship issues and develop new friendships! It’s a great site to visit as well, check it out!
•	Some additional resources of interest include:
	o Looking for a gay roommate? prideroommates.com o Searching for a good book? o Want more dating & relationship resources? Relationship Coaching Institute o Want to join the largest gay hub? Gay.com

Disclaimer: The Gay Love Coach does not represent or endorse the quality of any products, information, or materials displayed, purchased, or obtained by you as a result of its mention in this newsletter. It’s common sense to do your own due diligence before purchasing a product.

Copyright © 2006 Brian L. Rzepczynski. All Rights Reserved.