Man 4 Man Plan :: Relationship Strategies for Today's Gay Man

Volume 3 Issue 2 October 2006

Published the 15th of every Month

ISSN# 1553-7854

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• A Note From The Gay Love Coach
• Feature Article for Singles: “Compulsive Sexual Behavior & Gay Men”
• Feature Article for Couples: “Gay Male Couple Seeks The Same 4 Friendship”
• Advice Column: “I Want Him, He Wants Me Not”
• Member Tips & Resources
• Current Offerings

Brian Rzepczynski

brian@thegaylovecoach.com

www.thegaylovecoach.com

Hi guys!

The busy month of October! This month marks Year #8 with my partner and we had a very nice celebration together; Scott continues to amaze and inspire me and he is truly a gift to me in my life. I love you, babe! This is also my birthday month (Go Scorpios!) and Halloween is upon us (love it!) May your month be full and invigorating!

This issue of the newsletter has a bit of a change in that from now on, each issue will have two feature articles: one catering to singles and one for couples. This way you won’t have to wait on an every-other-month basis for an article pertaining to your particular relationship status; you’ll get one each month! Of course, you might be able to pick up some interesting tidbits in each article regardless of whether you’re single or partnered. The newsletter will be longer, so please make sure you have brian@thegaylovecoach.com added to your e-mail address book to make sure you keep receiving it! Thanks!

Have a great one, guys! Until next time!

All my best,
Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
Certified Personal Life Coach
brian@thegaylovecoach.com

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“Compulsive Sexual Behavior & Gay Men”
by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

Introduction
When managed in a healthy way, an active sex life can be one of life’s greatest gifts. Having been raised in an oppressive society about our homosexuality, sex can take on different meanings for gay men. Whether or not you believe the stereotype of gay men being promiscuous and “sex-starved”, the real truth is that when sex is taken to the extreme and it begins to interfere with your life and the accomplishment of your goals, damaging consequences can result that can destroy your future.

This article comes off the heels of my attendance at a recent professional workshop on treating compulsive sexual behaviors. It was an excellent investigation into the world of sexual addiction and was presented by Arizona-based therapist Paul Simpson, Ed.D. A lot of his presentation is mirrored by the work of Dr. Patrick Carnes, PhD, the pioneer of sexual addiction research and reputable author of a series of classic self-help books on sexual addiction treatment. Here is some useful information on sexual compulsivity and resources for recovery.

Am I Addicted To Sex?
When sex begins to interfere with your daily life, becomes a preoccupation to where you’re distracted from life tasks, or if sex controls your behavior instead of you “being in the driver’s seat”, these are all indicators that there may be a addiction at play. Additional factors cited by Simpson include loss of boundaries and having sex with less discrimination and discernment, sexual activities becoming increasingly risky, continued acting-out despite physical/financial/emotional costs, sexual obsession, loss of time and energy, and neglect of self-care and important responsibilities. Increasing powerlessness and unmanageability are the hallmarks of a developing sexual addiction.

Have you ever wondered if your sexual behavior is problematic? Just like with any addiction, denial can minimize the seriousness of your situation and “conveniently” block from awareness the reality of what’s truly going on. It can be easy to get swept up in the myth that to be gay means to have lots of casual sex and that there’s no limits to what’s acceptable, especially with the gay culture being sexualized by the media and the community itself at times. This is not to pathologize sexual freedom or to condemn those who are liberal with their sexual behavior; it merely points to the importance of establishing a definition of what constitutes healthy sexuality and responsibility to avoid negative repercussions for it’s potential mishandling. The Gay Men Sexual Addiction Screening Test is an assessment tool to help you evaluate your sexual activity. Go to the following site and complete the survey and see how you score: http://www.sexhelp.com/gsast.cfm. Use the results from this information to gauge any possible “red flags” in your current sexual behavior.

Why We Get Addicted
All behavior is purposeful. Everything we do has meaning and is intended to meet some kind of need, goal, or result. The origins of sexual addiction are unique to each individual and span biological and psychological motivations. The following are some underlying causes that may drive a person to act-out sexually, according to Simpson.

Excitement: the need to experience an adrenaline rush, super-charged by risk and novelty.
Comfort: sex as a way to cope with stress and bring about relief and relaxation; may also be a way to reward oneself for a positive accomplishment.
Escape: a need to enter a trance-like state to avoid feelings; can be a disinhibitor and cause one to do things normally resisted.
Affirmation: sex as a way to feel valued and validated; can act as a self-esteem boost and meets a need for wanting to be wanted and to matter.
Helplessness: as a way to confirm a core belief that one has about believing he is defective and inferior.
Power: sex as a way to fill psychological voids using dominance and control over another.
Revenge: anger becomes eroticized and psychological wounds are acted-out.

If you have issues with sexual compulsivity, what unmet needs drive your sexual acting-out? It’s important to pinpoint your motives so that these needs can be addressed and met in more healthy ways. What hurts? What’s missing in your life? How does your sexuality manifest itself?

Getting A Handle On Your Impulses
Sexual addiction is not something that you can typically overcome by reading a book or through sheer willpower. This problem is powerful and causes significant distress and pain to the person struggling with it, as well as his loved ones and those affiliated with him. Working with a trained licensed therapist who specializes in sexual addiction is critical, as well as some form of group therapy or attendance in a Sex Addicts Anonymous support group. For some individuals, medication is needed and primary or secondary mental health issues and other addictions may need treatment as well. If you are struggling with sexual compulsivity, get help NOW before you become too trapped in the downward spiral. Treatment can be a long and challenging road and you will need lots of support and encouragement.

The following are some treatment-oriented suggestions from Simpson’s lecture that can help in overcoming sexual addiction. These are not intended as a substitute for therapy and it is highly recommended that you work with a therapist as you implement these strategies for maximum effectiveness and monitoring.

Read books on sexual addiction for education. Look in the resources section of this article for recommended readings.
Become adept at catching self-defeating thoughts and defeating them with cognitive restructuring techniques.
Identify your triggers to acting-out and develop plans for dealing with these high-risk situations and feelings.
Practice thought-stoppage techniques to retrain your mind in the use of healthy sexual cognitions.
Explore ways to bring more healthy aliveness to your life. Find ways to bring more meaning and purpose to your existence and enhance your self-esteem. Build your support network and bring about more balance in all the areas of your life.
Sexual acting-out can sometimes take on predictable patterns of execution. Learn to identify your “chain reactions” and reconstruct healthier rituals to avoid re-enacting unhealthy sexual behavior.
Make a list of all the consequences your sexual addiction has or could bring to your life. Make another list of all the benefits recovery can bring to you. Keep these lists with you at all times to take out as reference when you have impulses to act-out as a way to deter from following through with them.
Develop a custom sexual addiction sobriety contract to clarify what your ongoing sobriety is going to look like with specific target behaviors and “battle plans” for dealing with violations and triggers for acting-out.

There are a multitude of other strategies and techniques that are best addressed with the assistance of a therapist. To locate a sexual addiction-therapist, visit The Society for The Advancement of Sexual Health’s website for possible linkage/referrals in your area at
http://www.ncsac.org/members/resources_main.aspx .

Resources & Conclusion
With effective treatment, motivation for change, and a solid support system, freedom from sexual addiction can be yours! Make healthy sexuality your primary goal and really define what that means to you. The following is a list of recommended resources and readings on this very complex topic!

Article Reference: Dr. Paul Simpson, Ed.D. Class notes from his presentation “Treating Compulsive Sexual Behaviors.” Visit his site at http://www.sexstruggles.com . He conducts national seminars to the public on sexual compulsivity and also provides sex addiction treatment at his group practice.
Article Reference: Dr. Patrick Carnes, Ph.D. The sex addiction research guru! Visit his site at http://www.sexhelp.com and read his groundbreaking book “Facing the Shadow: Starting Sexual & Relationship Recovery” as well as his other series of self-help books on sex and Internet addiction.
For linkage to a nearby Twelve-Step sex addiction support group, visit such sites as Sexual Compulsives Anonymous (http://www.sca-recovery.org) and Sex Addicts Anonymous (http://www.sexaa.org) .
An excellent book on sex addiction geared toward gay men that I highly recommend is “Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction In Gay Men” by Rob Weiss, MSW. It’s one of the few resources available that’s written specifically for the gay male community and is a must read!

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEBSITE? This article can be reprinted freely online, as long as the entire article and this resource box are included:

Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.

Please also include with the article the words © Copyright and prominently display a link to our main page at the end of the article. Any feedback would be appreciated and can be sent to brian@thegaylovecoach.com. Thank you!

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“Gay Male Couple Seeks The Same 4 Friendship”
by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

Introduction
Knowing how and where to meet other gay men for friendship and dating has long been a challenge and complaint for single guys, but the task is made that much more daunting for partnered men. How does a gay couple go about finding other couples who are similarly committed to their relationships for genuine friendship and companionship?

I get that question a lot as a coach. “I never see other gay couples out and about. Only singles.” “Yeah, I meet other couples but it always ends up with them wanting to have sex.” For partners seeking like-minded comrades, it can sometimes feel very isolating. This article will offer some creative suggestions for enhancing your exposure to other gay couples with the hope of promoting your chances for building your friendship circle.

Gotta Have Friends!
Although it’s slowly changing, it’s hard to be gay when our relationships aren’t recognized or validated by society. This lack of affirmation and absence of visible gay couples to act as role models makes having a strong social support system extremely important. Some gay men do not have the luxury of family support to celebrate their relationship, making the LGBT community and heterosexual supporters a vital source of strength for feeding our self-esteem as a couple.

And having another gay couple in your support network can be a bonus. Knowledge of the joys and hardships a committed relationship can endure, a feeling of affiliation and normalization can grow when a gay couple shares a friendship with another gay couple; this commonality can breed mutual understanding and a strong bond can develop. Friends are beneficial to your relationship because they bring fun, diversity, and support from stress in ways your primary relationship may not meet such needs or can help enrich it.

Create A Friendship Vision
Just like when you were initially dating your partner, you will want to screen potential friends for compatibility with your values and lifestyle. Not just anybody will do! Make sure they have something of value to bring to the table that will positively enhance your lives.

Exercise: It would be helpful for you and your partner to sit down and develop a “friendship vision.” What does friendship mean to each of you? What’s the purpose behind trying to seek other gay couples for companionship? What will you gain or lose by doing this? What would your ideal friends be like? What would you be looking for in terms of values, interests, maturity, etc. Are you looking for intimate friendships where you can share thoughts and feelings about your lives or for purely social recreation?

Before you begin your search, make sure you and your partner are in agreement on all aspects of friendship choices and practices. Being in alignment will minimize potential conflicts and ensure you’re both “on the same page” about what this means and how to go about executing things. Keep the channels of communication open and perhaps write your vision down and journal about your needs and experiences along the way.

“Gay-Dar” For Gay Couples
Fine-tune that “gay-dar” because now the quest for good friends begins! Here are a few ideas for putting yourself in settings where you’ll increase your chances of meeting other gay couples.

Keep your eyes peeled for other couples at restaurants, coffee shops, bookstores, galleries, etc.

Attend community events, fund-raisers, gay pride parades and festivals.

As a couple, think of a cause or charity that’s meaningful to you and volunteer for an organization together. Lots of couples also attend political rallies and theatre. Larger cities have LGBT community centers where you could help or attend their social activities or support groups.

Attend church. Metropolitan Community Church, for example, tends to attract a large gay population. See if there are any near you.

Let your friends know you’re in the market for expanding your circle. Attend their parties or throw your own party and allow “friends of friends” to come.

Form a special interest group or club, such as a book reading club that discusses LGBT literature or a couples’ group. Advertise it in local media.

The Internet can be a vehicle for searching and placing personal ads for meeting other gay couples. Just be careful about sites that have sexual cruising sections as you might be setting yourself up for attracting the wrong type of men if you’re looking solely for platonic friendship. There are also multiple online gay social networking clubs available for professional or social networking.

Place a classified ad in the personals’ section of the newspaper indicating your interest in meeting other gay couples. Spell out what you’re looking for and screen respondents accordingly for “goodness-of-fit.”

Create an online discussion forum at places like yahoogroups.com specifically catering to gay couples. This could be a great opportunity to meet people from all over the globe and could perhaps spark your interest in exploring travel.

Final Thoughts & Resources
Some additional tips to ponder as you go about cultivating new friendships:

Go slow. Just like any relationship, friendships take time to develop. You can’t rush intimacy or you risk sabotaging your ventures.
Screen prospects thoroughly together. Your friendship quest is intended to bring more richness to your life, not to bring more stress on you by becoming a counselor to someone who is codependent or needy and sucks the living energy out of you, for example.
If you and your partner are seeking platonic friendships only, be mindful of those men who are actually hunting for sex and could view you as a possible 3-way treat. Be clear about your intentions up front, but not everyone will be respectful of that. Practice good boundary-setting and assertiveness.
Don’t abandon your single gay friends and straight fans. They are a vital part of your network too!
Balance your search for friends with attention focused to all the other parts of your life. Always keep your relationship with your partner as the number one priority.

And finally, two resources of interest that might jump-start your quest include:

The Partner’s Task Force for Gay & Lesbian Couples has a national listing of Organizations Supporting Same-Sex Couples. Go to www.buddybuddy.com/orgs.html and see if there are any organizations in your area that you could join.
Meet Gay Couples (www.meetgaycouples.com) is an international forum where gay couples can correspond and cultivate new affiliations. Check it out and perhaps put a posting up of you and your partner!

Best wishes on your friendship expedition!

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEBSITE? This article can be reprinted freely online, as long as the entire article and this resource box are included:

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Have a dating or relationship question for The Gay Love Coach? Please forward questions to brian@thegaylovecoach.com and every effort will be made to include your question in an upcoming issue of our newsletter or address it in some way in an article or tip. Thank you!

“I Want Him, He Wants Me Not”

Dear Coach:

I hired a contractor to do some work at my house and we became friends (yes, he’s gay!). Right from the start, we were very flirty with each other and spent a lot of time doing recreational things. After finally having an open talk about “us”, we both admitted that we were attracted to one another. However, he gave me the big “I don’t want a relationship” speech. Since then, we’ve continued to hang out and a couple times he’s felt compelled to remind me that he doesn’t want a relationship. In the meantime, we’ve spent a couple nights together cuddling and making out, but no sex. He told me that he can’t have sex with me because he doesn’t want to mess up our friendship. I, of course, take this as a big rejection and have tried hard not to have all the negative thoughts around what could be the problem with me. He says it’s not a rejection and that I’m too important and valuable to him. He told me he doesn’t want all this talk to ruin our friendship and he’d be upset if I stopped talking with him. I have tried to approach this relationship with the idea that we have fun together, let’s see where it evolves. However, every time it seems to start to go somewhere, he needs to have “the talk” with me. I keep trying to get through the heartbreak in the hopes that I can get beyond this and just be friends, but it makes it hard for me to deal with it when I feel like I keep getting pulled closer and then pushed away again. Am I being a doormat by wanting to try and be friends with him?

Wanting More

Dear Wanting More:

It sounds like you’ve got it bad, my friend! This guy seems to have made quite an impact on you and you’d really like to take things to the next level; unfortunately, to his protest. It can be so frustrating and torturous when you want one thing and he wants another, particularly since you’ve both acknowledged your mutual attraction for each other. You like him, he likes you, and you both find each other desirable—so what’s the holdup, you must be thinking?

Not having a working psychology about what makes your new love interest tick, it’s difficult to specify why exactly he’s set the boundaries with you that he has. Maybe he has intimacy issues and is scared of the closeness he feels toward you. Maybe he’s not ready or has no interest in a relationship at this juncture of his life. Maybe he truly just sees you as a friend and doesn’t want to damage what you guys have by sexualizing it since good friends are hard to find. Perhaps your overt or covert behavior contributes to his limit-setting. The reasons are endless, but to theorize is only going to cause you further angst with more preoccupation and giving up your own emotional power.

Since he’s repeatedly reminded you of his need for “friendship only”, you must respect his boundary for fear of alienating him if it’s continually tested. You have to protect yourself by really listening to what he’s saying---that he is not available to you in the ways that you want him to be. Investing your heart into something that has already been denied is setting yourself up for pain. You deserve someone who will love you unconditionally and gladly reciprocate your feelings.

My suggestion would be to work on developing a mindset of this guy as a good friend and discover healthy outlets to channel your attractions for him. You may find it difficult “downshifting” from “love interest” to “just friends”, and if this remains too challenging over the long haul, you may have to consider terminating the relationship for your own well-being.

Additionally, it is cruel and inappropriate for your friend to be sending you mixed signals (cuddling, making out), especially when he knows how much you desire more from the relationship. “Just friends” don’t typically engage in these intimate activities together. If you choose to remain friends with him, you’ll need to set some boundaries with him too, defining the parameters of what “just friends” means---and this means he can’t have his cake and eat it too. Kissing and cuddling are off limits, unless he’s prepared to begin dating you! And you must enforce these limits should they be crossed, no matter how tempting it may be! You might want to have one more “talk” with him and get some real closure on what exactly your relationship is with him. If he maintains his current stance, set your own boundaries (with him and yourself) and then determine as time goes on if this is a situation you can live with. He may come around once you’ve taken back control of your life again…but he may not, and it’s important not to count on that. There are no guarantees in relationships.

And then live your life to the max! And it is not a rejection of you as a person; it has everything to do with his own needs, projections, and feelings stemming from his life history and goals. One good catch deserves another, and it’ll happen for you when everything is in-sync with the most compatible man! Good luck!

• Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed.None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

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This section is dedicated to you members/subscribers where you can offer your own tips and insights, as well as make announcements for resources pertaining to gay dating and relationships that you know of that would be of benefit to us all! Please feel free to forward these for possible inclusion to brian@thegaylovecoach.com.

Results from The Gay Love Coach Question of the Month voting poll
	Question: Would you date someone who is the opposite of your own Hiv-status?
	Results:	A.	Yes	33%
		B.	No	67%
				out of 42 votes

Go to www.TheGayLoveCoach.com to vote for this month’s new question now!

•

The Monthly Gay Horoscope:

The horoscopes are taken from the astrology column “Stargayzer” through “The Starry Eye” by Madam Lichtenstein, and are written exclusively for the gay community. For more info on the column or to check out the other monthly horoscopes, visit the site here. The following are for those of you having a birthday in September! Happy Birthday!

LIBRA (Sep 24 - Oct 23)
If money has been tight, you may see some relief during October. It may be that a lump sum will come your way or that you will be able to focus more successfully on the fiscal nitty gritty. Whatever it is you have a rare opportunity to expand your asset base and build a nest egg. Will you make it into a fluffy souffle or just continue to scramble?

SCORPIO (Oct 24 - Nov 22)
All eyes are upon you. Will you rise to the occasion or fade into the sunset? Go get ‘em, Scorp. October demands that you show yourself, warts and all, to a bevy of fanatic admirers. Not only will you be worshiped like the deity you always thought you were, you will also manage to pull the strings and control all the action. Ain’t life grand!

•

The Gay Love Coach Forum at GayRites.net (http://www.gayrites.net). Come and join the interactive forum where anything and everything is up for discussion pertaining to gay dating and relationships. Read informative articles, ask questions, and comment on topics of discussion. It’s free to join and it’s a great place to dialogue about relationship issues and develop new friendships! It’s a great site to visit as well, check it out!

•

Some additional resources of interest include:

o	Looking for a gay roommate? prideroommates.com
o	Searching for a good book?
o	Want more dating & relationship resources? Relationship Coaching Institute
o	Want to join the largest gay hub? Gay.com

Disclaimer: The Gay Love Coach does not represent or endorse the quality of any products, information, or materials displayed, purchased, or obtained by you as a result of its mention in this newsletter. It’s common sense to do your own due diligence before purchasing a product.

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Coming in the near future, be sure to look out for special structured coaching programs for singles and couples designed to help you create a plan and strategies for achieving success over the unique challenges and issues posed in each life stage.

• One-on-One Individual Coaching focused on creating clarity and an action plan toward accomplishing your dating and relationship goals.

• Gay Singles Coaching Club: Group Coaching for single gay men looking for support and skills in managing issues related to singlehood and dating and prospering toward those goals.

• Gay Couples Coaching Club: Group Coaching for gay male couples seeking support and strategies for relationship enrichment and satisfaction, promoting flourishing partnerships.

• “Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life In Today’s World” (2006): new self-help book by David Steele, founder of The Relationship Coaching Institute, offering an innovative dating model for helping singles achieve success in dating and finding their future life partners. $17.95 plus shipping & handling. Click here for more information.

• “A Guide to Getting It: Purpose & Passion” (2005): new self-help book co-authored by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach, offering tips and tools for discovering your life purpose and bringing more passion into your life. $14.95 plus shipping & handling. Click here for more information.

For more information regarding these services or to read up on more FREE dating and relationship tips, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com, call Brian at (630) 375-7416, or write to:

Personal Victory Counseling
4260 Westbrook Dr. Ste. 126
Aurora, IL 60504
brian@thegaylovecoach.com

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