Man 4 Man Plan :: Relationship Strategies for Today's Gay Man

Volume 3 Issue 3 November 2006

Published the 15th of every Month

ISSN# 1553-7854

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• A Note From The Gay Love Coach
• Feature Article for Singles: “Sexless In Gayopolis: What's A Guy To Do? Part 1”
• Feature Article for Couples: “5 Deadly Relationship Mistakes Gay Couples Can Make”
• Advice Column: “Gay.com Advice Questions”
• Member Tips & Resources
• Current Offerings

Brian Rzepczynski

brian@thegaylovecoach.com

www.thegaylovecoach.com

Hi guys!

Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you had a great month and I don’t know about you, but…no more leaves to rake, please!!!! We’re about to move in to the hectic holiday season and I hope you’re braced and ready for the mad rush!

No new news this month. I hope you enjoy this installment of the newsletter and may you have a great holiday!

Have a great one, guys! Until next time!

All my best,
Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
Certified Personal Life Coach
brian@thegaylovecoach.com

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“Sexless In Gayopolis: What's A Guy To Do? Part 1”
by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

Introduction

Sex is everywhere it seems. While taboo on one hand, our society glorifies sex and capitalizes on it. There appears to be no escape from it, and our gay culture is certainly no stranger to getting caught up in its allure. You can't thumb through a gay magazine without seeing advertisements of beefcake and sex dripping from the pages.

A lot of literature exists on how to super-charge your sex life and boost your bedroom antics--and that's all well and good if you have a sex life. But what about those who aren't having sex for whatever reason and want to be? As one reader pointed out to me, this is an overlooked population whose needs have been minimally represented and addressed.

'I'm a gay man who stopped having sex unintentionally after a series of experiences that span from unfulfilling to outright bad. Time has passed and unsuccessful attempts have been made to connect to new partners. I'm an attractive and outgoing guy with a lot going for myself, but resuming a healthy sex life seems futile and understanding how to overcome these blocks eludes me.'

Being celibate when you don't want to be can be extremely frustrating, and at times depressing, particularly when it seems like everybody else is having it, when sex is everywhere you look, and when your desires demand your recognition. While there's no easy answer to remedying this problem, Part 1 of this article series will discuss the reasons behind 'sexlessness' and how the gay community can help curb this problem.

Reasons For The Sex Void

There are a whole host of possible reasons why we may not be having sex when we want to be. Whether a 'dry spell' has been temporary and short-lived or far-reaching in time span, understanding the rationale behind your impasse can help in identifying underlying problems or symptoms that could be targeted for resolution. Here are some possible origins:

lack of access to potential partners (eg. living in rural areas)
other priorities in life have become distractions, putting relationship development on 'the back shelf'
lack of sexual experience or stunted sexual growth, creating insecurity and emotional blocks
'baggage' from prior relationships getting in the way of one's ability to form other attachments; fears of intimacy
history of trauma, abuse, or sexual dysfunction
shyness and weak social skills interfering with the ability to relate well to others, be assertive, flirt appropriately, and initiate dating or cruising rituals
low self-esteem and poor body image holding oneself back
discomfort with being gay, sexual identity struggles, and internalized homophobia
too much emphasis on one's being 'sexless', causing spirals of negative thinking that could affect one's mood and outlook; others could detect this and distance themselves because of the signals you may be unconsciously projecting
religious reasons, family expectations, medical issues, being handicapped

As one can see, these individual-oriented dynamics could be culprits to the lack of a sex life, and there could be many others. It is not, however, always going to be attributable to anything you are or aren't doing. Part of the problem could also be victimization as a result of society's definition of what beauty and attraction means. For example, if you don't 'fit in' with gay culture's standards of what's viewed as desirable (young, physically fit, well-endowed, etc.), you may be made to feel alienated and rejected from the sexual pool (if you let it!).

There is both individual and societal responsibility for this dilemma. Since impacting social change is a long and arduous process, try to examine the role you may be playing in your difficulties to begin trouble-shooting those areas. This may expedite your accomplishing your goals.

Problem Or Symptom?

Exercise: Take out a piece of paper and brainstorm a list of all the possible reasons that you may be cut-off from a sexual life. Once finished, go back over your list and after each item, indicate whether this reason is something you have control over or if you lack control or power over it. Remember we only have control over our own behavior and choices, not others'. Your answers to this will help streamline your efforts as you now problem-solve potential strategies for overcoming your hurdles. Channel your energies into the things you do have control over to make the most impact. Those things beyond your control will need to be accepted as you learn to surrender, 'let go', and adjust to the reality.

As you examine your list, what did you learn about yourself? Are the reasons you named reflective of the problem itself or are they telling you that they're a symptom of a larger more underlying issue that needs to be addressed. Until that issue is resolved or those needs are met, a celibate lifestyle will likely continue because of some form of self-sabotage. Could it be that it's not really about sex at all, and it has more to do with intimacy fears, difficulties attaching with people, social skill deficits, and not being in relationship with someone? What hurts? What's missing in your life? Get a good handle on this before moving forward and take a realistic appraisal of what, if anything, may be holding you back.

What The Gay Community Can Do

Reduce the sexualization that goes along with gay media, film, and advertising. Capitalize on other strengths that being gay means. We are multi-dimensional! So much stock should not be placed on our looks, bodies, and sexuality.

Broaden the scope of what desirability is. Break out of traditional models that define attractiveness by shallow, superficial, physical characteristics that objectify people. Substance and emotional depth can be the ultimate turn-on.

Be kinder to our gay brothers and sisters. It's hard enough being gay in a homophobic society to then be rejected and mistreated in our own community. Fostering closer bonds with each other will help reduce the sense of isolation and bridge more connection and relationships.

We should not be limited in how we define 'sexy.' One of the great things about the gay community is that we are diverse. If your sex life is hampered by distorted beliefs that you don't 'measure up' to the gay standard of attractiveness, just remember that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and there are many subgroups in our community that value all 'types'. And being labeled an 'Adonis-type' isn't always all it's cracked up to be either; sometimes it can be a deterrent to those who feel too threatened or intimidated to get close to him or he becomes viewed solely as a sex object and can struggle with finding true intimacy outside of the sexual act itself. We all have our challenges and if we work together collectively and develop more empathy and respect for one another, great things can happen.

Conclusion

In Part 2, specific strategies will be offered for you as an individual in coping with unwanted celibacy and how to breed more connection with others to improve your sexual opportunities and chances for intimacy. Just remember that you are not alone in this predicament and there is nothing abnormal or defective about it. We all have periods of sexual drought at some points in our lives and we can still be happy and fulfilled. Begin by managing your frustrations in positive ways and start the process of identifying potential solutions to your items on your brainstorming list.

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEBSITE? This article can be reprinted freely online, as long as the entire article and this resource box are included:

Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.

Please also include with the article the words © Copyright and prominently display a link to our main page at the end of the article. Any feedback would be appreciated and can be sent to brian@thegaylovecoach.com. Thank you!

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“5 Deadly Relationship Mistakes That Gay Couples Can Make”
by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

Introduction

Whether you’re just starting out in a new relationship or have been long-term partners for many years, how does a gay couple maintain their relationship over the long haul and sustain that “magical spark” that drew them together in the first place?

Relationships do require attention and focus, and this article will present five deadly mistakes that you can make that can wreak havoc in your partnership, almost ensuring conflict and unhappiness. Remedies will also be offered, and keeping these points in mind can help stave off relationship discord—and even prevent a potential breakup from ever being considered!

The Deadly Mistakes

Deadly Mistake #5: Getting into predictable, monotonous routines.

Once you get into the groove of your relationship, you can begin to feel comfortable with the safety and familiarity it breeds. However, in the long run, this can create a stale environment of boredom and “same-ness”, leading many couples to feel restless, unfulfilled, and “itching” for a change. Break out of that rut by bringing more spice and novelty to your relationship. Shake things up a little bit and dare to be different! Surprise your lover with a night out on the town to break up the mundane workweek. Introduce more creativity and variety into your sex life. Keep him guessing and on his toes for what’s coming next. By bringing in a little more excitement and stimulation, the chemistry between the two of you will be nourished, reaffirming your connection and strengthening your bond.

Deadly Mistake #4: Making assumptions about what your partner thinks and does.

Interpreting your partner’s thoughts and behavior through your own lens can spell disaster, especially when you make decisions based on these judgments. You cannot read minds and jumping to conclusions will only erode the trust and security of your relationship. Even if your guy has a history of responding in a certain way in given situations, it would behoove you to not jump to conclusions and generalize his actions, as he may alter his responses or have a different mindset. Always check things out with your partner to make sure you’re both “on the same page.” This will save you from a world of grief and insecurity.

Deadly Mistake #3: Not updating your relationship vision.

Relationships grow and change over time, and so do the individuals in the partnership. Revisit from time-to-time with your partner about your hopes, dreams, aspirations, and goals for your relationship and yourself. This will help troubleshoot any “growing apart” tendencies by keeping the communication open. For example, with monogamy, some couples change their views on the role this plays in their relationship. If you’re in a monogamous relationship and want to open it up, don’t just act upon it without dialoguing about it with your partner first. And if you have an open relationship, don’t assume you and your partner share the same views about it as time goes on. Revisit your “relationship contract” to ensure genuine agreement still exists, avoid making assumptions, and don’t be afraid to bring up difficult topics of discussion. It’s better to hash it out than to act it out to protect the foundation of trust you’ve built.

Deadly Mistake #2: Not attending to each other’s needs.

We all have needs, and relationships are a great source for meeting the needs for belonging and attachment. Through communication and life experience with your partner, you’ll learn what matters most to him. Many couples destroy their relationships by taking each other for granted and failing to attend to the needs of the other in the ways he likes them to be met. Schedule a “family meeting” with your partner at least once a month to talk about your relationship and how it’s going. What’s going well? Not so well? Are you in alignment with your relationship vision? Make a list of your needs and share them with your partner, making a conscious effort to be more attentive and proactive.

Deadly Mistake #1: Not making your relationship a priority.

Life is stressful. Between the demands of work, family, friends, school, hobbies, and all the other obligations you may have, your relationship with your partner can really take a hit. Those couples who take their relationship for granted are writing a prescription for its demise. Try to work hard at creating more life balance to juggle all the roles you have to avoid neglecting your relationship. Imagine your relationship with your partner is a nucleus. You must protect your nucleus from all external, outside forces. Don’t allow them to penetrate through or you risk jeopardizing the health and wellness of your relationship! Your partner is your home and haven. Let him be your number one priority above all else. Make him feel special and appreciated. Schedule “date nights”, surprise him with gifts of adoration, plan a commitment ceremony, etc. Do anything you’re comfortable with that will validate and affirm your relationship as the blessing it is—and cherish it!

Conclusion

So there you have it—five deadly mistakes that can compromise the success of a gay relationship. By applying some of these possible solutions and brainstorming some of your own, you’ll be demonstrating your commitment to your relationship and honoring it in the way it deserves. This will promote more gratification and functionality in your partnership, solidifying your bond as a couple, and creating a level of bliss unlike no other. Cheers to your success!

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEBSITE? This article can be reprinted freely online, as long as the entire article and this resource box are included:

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Have a dating or relationship question for The Gay Love Coach? Please forward questions to brian@thegaylovecoach.com and every effort will be made to include your question in an upcoming issue of our newsletter or address it in some way in an article or tip. Thank you!

“Gay.com Advice Questions”

This past month, Gay.com advertised a contest for individuals to answer some advice column questions and the winners would be posted on their website through the rest of the year . I submitted my responses to the questions, but unfortunately I don’t believe I made the cut as I didn’t hear back on my status. Bummer! But for my readers, I thought I’d post the questions that were posed and my suggestions to them. Enjoy!

Question #1: “I’ve been dating this guy for about two weeks and I really like him. We haven’t had sex yet. He just told me he is HIV-positive. What should I do?”

Answer: Negotiating safer sex boundaries is essential regardless of one’s HIV status, particularly since someone’s claims to be negative of any STD may not be accurate. With this knowledge of your new guy’s POZ status, you now have personal power to make an informed decision. Examine your vision for what you need and want in a relationship and a partner. Become educated about HIV and the realities of what it would mean to be in a relationship with someone Positive. Does this match your vision? All relationships have challenges; some guys are able to embrace those inherent to differing HIV statuses, while others feel too much anxiety and distraction about the risks to be fully uninhibited with their partner. It all comes down to your values and lifestyle preferences. Education about the potential risks and how to minimize them and open, honest communication with one’s partner are the keys to promoting the success of these types of relationships. Make the decision that’s right for you and that’ll promote your quality of life ultimately.

Question #2: “My boyfriend of eight years is trying to spice up our relationship, and I think that’s great. Problem is, he’s suggested going to a clothing-optional gay resort. How do I tell him this is just not my cup of tea without coming off as unadventurous?”

Answer: That’s great that the two of you are attentive to the needs of your relationship and trying to keep it energized and alive! That’s one of the secrets of healthy, long-term partnerships. However, nobody should do something in a relationship that he’s uncomfortable with and that would compromise his values or boundaries. If your partner’s idea doesn’t feel good to you, it’s important you directly communicate your feelings to him. Without invalidating his suggestion, let him know how much you appreciate his creative thought for bringing more spark into your relationship and then express your discomfort and decline the invitation. Let this then be a segue for the two of you to brainstorm alternate activities that might be mutually enjoyable. Make your own separate lists of your fantasies or what you can each imagine your partner doing that would be pleasing to you and share and complete these items. Decide on those things you’re willing to compromise on and those that would be non-negotiable. Be assertive with your needs, and make this “assignment” playful and fun!

Question #3: “My partner and I have been together a while, and everything’s great with him. However, for some time I have been thinking seriously about becoming a sperm donor. I want to continue my line, and I wouldn’t be involved in raising the child at all. So why is my partner so completely against the idea? Is my relationship more important than my legacy? Should I do it behind his back? Help!”

Answer: Be careful about making any rash, impulsive decisions here as it seems like a lot more individual soul-searching and dialogue with your partner is needed before you move forward with anything. Firstly, examine your motives about becoming a sperm donor to ensure you’d be doing it for the right reasons. Also consider any implications of doing so and then not having any contact with your child. Could you realistically do that without regret? Explore with your partner what his concerns are about this issue---what does he feel threatened or scared of and address these underlying feelings as they may be symbolic of other issues in your relationship. Seeing a counselor for help in sifting through these personal and relational issues might be advised. If your partner is unwilling to compromise on this issue, it puts you in a difficult “ultimatum” position where you will have to choose between your partner or your dream. Do not go behind his back as this would be viewed as a sign of betrayal and could sabotage your relationship. You will have to determine for yourself how much investment or value you have placed in either your partner or your legacy and then take responsibility for following through with your decision with integrity.

• Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed.None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

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This section is dedicated to you members/subscribers where you can offer your own tips and insights, as well as make announcements for resources pertaining to gay dating and relationships that you know of that would be of benefit to us all! Please feel free to forward these for possible inclusion to brian@thegaylovecoach.com.

Results from The Gay Love Coach Question of the Month voting poll
	Question: Would you date someone who is the opposite of your own Hiv-status?
	Results:	A.	Yes	14	34%
		B.	No	27	66%
					out of 41 votes

Go to www.TheGayLoveCoach.com to vote for this month’s new question now!

•

The Monthly Gay Horoscope:

The horoscopes are taken from the astrology column “Stargayzer” through “The Starry Eye” by Madam Lichtenstein, and are written exclusively for the gay community. For more info on the column or to check out the other monthly horoscopes, visit the site here. The following are for those of you having a birthday in September! Happy Birthday!

SCORPIO (Oct 24 - Nov 22)
Scorps become the center of attention whether they like it or not. That is because a bunch of planets sit in your own sign. Don't fight fate. You can accomplish a great deal this month by just pushing your agenda with the right influential people. Your assorted rumblings can lead to rumbles. Good thing too. Shake up the space and toss out the incumbents.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23 - Dec 22)
As much as you disdain secrets and behind the scene maneuvers, November is a great time to brew your assorted potions in secret. But don't feel that you need to keep all your great ideas under wraps for too long. You are soon given a great opportunity to strut your stuff. By mid-month, Archers will set their personal course into motion. Err or is that into commotion...?

•

The Gay Love Coach Forum at GayRites.net (http://www.gayrites.net). Come and join the interactive forum where anything and everything is up for discussion pertaining to gay dating and relationships. Read informative articles, ask questions, and comment on topics of discussion. It’s free to join and it’s a great place to dialogue about relationship issues and develop new friendships! It’s a great site to visit as well, check it out!

•

Some additional resources of interest include:

o	Looking for a gay roommate? prideroommates.com
o	Searching for a good book?
o	Want more dating & relationship resources? Relationship Coaching Institute
o	Want to join the largest gay hub? Gay.com

Disclaimer: The Gay Love Coach does not represent or endorse the quality of any products, information, or materials displayed, purchased, or obtained by you as a result of its mention in this newsletter. It’s common sense to do your own due diligence before purchasing a product.

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Coming in the near future, be sure to look out for special structured coaching programs for singles and couples designed to help you create a plan and strategies for achieving success over the unique challenges and issues posed in each life stage.

• One-on-One Individual Coaching focused on creating clarity and an action plan toward accomplishing your dating and relationship goals.

• Gay Singles Coaching Club: Group Coaching for single gay men looking for support and skills in managing issues related to singlehood and dating and prospering toward those goals.

• Gay Couples Coaching Club: Group Coaching for gay male couples seeking support and strategies for relationship enrichment and satisfaction, promoting flourishing partnerships.

• “Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life In Today’s World” (2006): new self-help book by David Steele, founder of The Relationship Coaching Institute, offering an innovative dating model for helping singles achieve success in dating and finding their future life partners. $17.95 plus shipping & handling. Click here for more information.

• “A Guide to Getting It: Purpose & Passion” (2005): new self-help book co-authored by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach, offering tips and tools for discovering your life purpose and bringing more passion into your life. $14.95 plus shipping & handling. Click here for more information.

For more information regarding these services or to read up on more FREE dating and relationship tips, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com, call Brian at (630) 375-7416, or write to:

Personal Victory Counseling
4260 Westbrook Dr. Ste. 126
Aurora, IL 60504
brian@thegaylovecoach.com

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