Volume 3 Issue 4 December 2006
Published the 15th of every Month
ISSN# 1553-7854
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Single's Edition
• A Note From The Gay Love Coach
• Feature Article “Sexless In Gayopolis: What’s A Guy To Do? Part 2 ”
• Advice Column: “My Partner Is Hooking Up With Other Guys”
• Member Tips & Resources
• Current Offerings
Brian Rzepczynski
 

Hi guys!

Merry Christmas! I hope you’re making a good dent in your Christmas shopping, if you partake in that, and that you enjoy the season with your family and friends to the hilt!

Well, so much for my bright idea about adding two feature articles per newsletter! It turns out that the newsletter size was getting too big and many of you didn’t receive the last issue because of the file size. That, coupled with time constraints with my other responsibilities, has forced me to return to the old format of one article per issue for the time being. Sorry about that! I appreciate your understanding. I’ll make sure that the feature article and advice column contents address both singles’ and couples’ issues so everyone can benefit from each issue. For those of you who didn’t receive last month’s edition, here’s the link for your convenience: http://www.thegaylovecoach.com/newsletters/2006/newsletter1106.html.

Happy Holidays to you! Be merry and safe! Cheers!

All my best,
Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
Certified Personal Life Coach
brian@thegaylovecoach.com

“Sexless In Gayopolis: What’s A Guy To Do? Part 2 ”
by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

Introduction

Nothing can be a bigger drag than when you’re in the mood for some hot one-on-one action and there are no available partners to access. Maybe you’re new to the gay scene and are just trying to figure things out. Or perhaps you’re in a “drought period” where meeting other men has not proven successful for some reason. Could it be that you’re shy and anxious about initiating contacts with other men that could possibly lead to future intimacy? Or maybe you’ve sworn off sex until you meet Mr. Right so as not to distract yourself from your ultimate goal. Whatever the scenario may be for your particular situation, sexual frustration can mount when your libido is screaming for an outlet when it seems that none exists. Sex is a basic human need, and for some, its deprivation can be a source of preoccupation and discontent. So how does one manage a celibate lifestyle, if it’s not by his choosing, without climbing the walls and going stark-raving mad?

In Part 1 of this article series, you learned about possible reasons why one might be “sexless”, the importance of differentiating between unwanted celibacy as the problem itself or a symptom of some underlying issues, and some possible ways the gay community might directly address this phenomenon. Part 2 will now identify some possible strategies that you as an individual might utilize in coping with a lack of sexual intimacy to assist in continuing to live a full and satisfying life.  These suggestions are just that…ideas for helping to cope with an unmeet need that isn’t easily substituted. But by creating new outlets for expression, you may find some relief and new experiences that could enrich your life. Pick and choose the ones that might work best for you and brainstorm some of your own!

9 Strategies For Coping With Sexlessness

9.  “If you build it, they will come…”
Even though it may seem like everyone around you has a boyfriend or a partner and is having sex, this could not be further from the truth. You are not alone with your dilemma. Hoards of other men are in your exact situation contemplating what they should do too. Everyone has periods in their life when they lack sexual outlets…and they survive! One thing you can do is to take a leadership role and create and market your own support group in your community for friendship and support. Or even create your own online forum or discussion list devoted to this topic to create a network of support for socialization and the sharing of tips and strategies for managing celibacy. This is a very untapped niche…you could be a ground-breaking innovator!

8.  Become a masterful masturbator!
What’s the next best thing if you don’t have a sexual partner to play with? Yourself! Nobody knows what you like sexually better than you do, so learn how to fine-tune your self-pleasuring skills for the most optimal satisfaction. There are plenty of sexual self-help books out there that teach masturbation techniques that will have you in rapture in no time. And if you so desire, pay a visit to your local sex shop for a sex toy of your choosing. Just remember that all sex toys are not created equal, so do your own due diligence before purchasing anything and become educated about the products. Be creative and free within the bounds of your comfort level!

7.  “Welcome To Fantasy Island!”
They say that the mind is one of the biggest sex organs, so make maximum use of your imagination and practice the fine art of fantasy. In graphic detail, visualize and meditate about your sex life in any capacity you’d like. You’re the boss! The limits are endless with your imagination and it can become quite an erotic experience. Combine this with your self-pleasuring techniques and you’ve just magnified the experience! And don’t let it end there…channel your fantasies into other productive outlets such as reading erotic novels (or write your own!), journal about your sexual fantasies in a notebook or an online blog, watch porn, create some form of art like paintings or sculptures that express your sexual self.

6.  “It’s all about me!”
Sometimes sexual frustration is a mask for underlying feelings of boredom, stress, and conflicted emotions. Explore other ways of soothing yourself. Take a hot bubble-bath, surround yourself with scented oils and candles, listen to calming music, throw a relaxation CD into your CD-player. Self-care is very important for keeping you refreshed and rejuvenated, so pamper yourself in whatever way that makes you feel happy. You deserve it!

5.  “Let’s get physical!”
A lot of times sexual frustration can be a signal that we’re not getting enough nonsexual physical touch in our lives and just finding a remedy for this can sometimes diminish the preoccupation with the sex act itself. Become involved in contact sports, get a massage, learn about bodywork, etc. Physical touch is also an important human need and finding some kind of healthy outlet for this can really help “take the edge off.”  Exercise and dancing are also great channels for release.

4.  Become a sex self-help guru!
Another healthy way to address the “sex on your mind” is to put it to good use for others seeking assistance or for your own personal enlightenment. Take sex education classes at your local community college, get training and become a volunteer for a sexual health clinic, learn about tantric sexuality. Helping others while growing personally can be very beneficial and rewarding. Heck, you could even become the next Dr. Ruth!

3.  Take advantage of your sexual drought
Rather than getting bummed about your absent sex life, take this time as an opportunity to refocus your goals on things in your life you’d like to achieve. Putting so much emphasis on your sex life could be distracting and preventing you from following through with important life goals that would help you accomplish your vision. By expanding upon the other parts of your identity, you’ll achieve more balance in your life and feel more centered. Get active! Go to gay mens’ retreats and workshops, volunteer for a cause that’s meaningful to you, seek out and/or develop your support system. Keeping busy with productive, life-affirming activities does help!

2.  “What would Sigmund Freud say?”
As discussed before, there may be underlying factors at play that sabotage your efforts to have a sex life. Spend some time to really analyze what holds you back and create an action plan for overcoming these hurdles. Reframe these challenges as opportunities and don’t waste any more time! Be in charge of your life and create positive movement. For example, if shyness is the big culprit, you’ll need to develop more sophisticated social skills and build confidence in risk-taking to broaden the chances for more social opportunity. Break your goals down into small, manageable tasks.

1.  It’s all about SEXY!!! 
No matter who we are, we are all sexy and special in our own way. One of the most important things to feeling good in life is to have high self-esteem. Unfortunately, our self-esteem can be stripped little-by-little when faced with discrimination, rejection, painful life experiences, tragedies and traumas, etc. (if we let it!) The gay community itself can reinforce this damaging process by glorifying youth, beauty, and status, for example, and for those men who don’t feel like they “fit in”, this can harm their self-concept and sexual self-esteem as well. Tap into your “sexy self”! Don’t let it remain buried. Cultivate a sense of sexiness all your own! Defining what is sexy is a very individual and personal process, so it will differ from person-to-person. What does “sexy” mean to you? Sexiness is a mindset and a feeling, so your task is to partake in activities that will enhance this already-existing “part” of yourself. For some, getting a make-over, getting a new haircut, or purchasing a new outfit to wear brings out a sense of sexiness. For others, it’s exuding a confidence and acting with integrity. Whatever that may be for you, define and then find outlets for expression. The more “sexy” you feel, the more confident and less obsessed with your sexual drought you may experience because that feeling will be more predominant. Additionally, your new-found magnetism could be attractive to others, drawing them toward you and creating new socialization opportunities.

Conclusion

Of course there is no substitute or replacement for the “real thing” when it comes to man-to-man sexual intimacy. However, when this is not readily available, the above suggestions might be just enough to help buffer the frustration felt from an absent sex life. Always behave with responsibility and exercise healthy boundaries for your own and others’ protection when experimenting with various solutions. Until the time is right for you to claim a satisfying sexual relationship, just remember that you are not alone and you do have the power to create a solo-driven intimacy that can be quite fulfilling and special.

© 2006 Brian L. Rzepczynski

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Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.

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Have a dating or relationship question for The Gay Love Coach? Please forward questions to brian@thegaylovecoach.com and every effort will be made to include your question in an upcoming issue of our newsletter or address it in some way in an article or tip. Thank you!

“My Partner Is Hooking Up With Other Guys”

Dear Coach:

I’ve been in a gay relationship for 9 years and just found out that my partner has been trying to hook up with guys on the Internet. He also told me that on occasion he has gone to certain bathrooms and jerked off with other guys. He tells me he was safe and only watched, but I don’t know what to believe anymore. I threw him out of the house after learning this, but he’s recently moved back in and we’ve been having a hard time ever since. We are seeing a therapist, but the counselor says my partner is remorseful and doesn’t have a sexual addiction. He does take responsibility for what he’s done, but what I’m confused about is that he also told me that his going to the bathrooms also preceded our relationship. If he did it before and while he was with me, why does he say that he did it as a way to handle the problems in our relationship? Can he change? Can he be faithful or am I just setting myself up for failure again?

Confused

Dear Confused:

What a difficult situation to be in! I can appreciate how confusing and painful this must be for you. My first recommendation to you would be to take some time to take care of yourself and avoid making any kind of significant decisions about your relationship for the time being. Emotions are high right now; let the dust settle a bit so that you’ve had some time to heal and clarify your needs and feelings.

Your predicament is unfortunately a common scenario, but the prognosis is good if the couple is invested and committed to improving their relationship. The good news for you is that there are some very positive signs based on what you’ve described. The fact that you both pursued therapy and that your partner is remorseful and acknowledges responsibility for his behavior greatly increases the chances of your relationship surviving this type of crisis. A good foundation now exists to build from if you choose to keep moving forward.

The prognosis decreases when an untreated sexual addiction is present, when the offending partner refuses to take ownership for his behavior and blames it on other factors, or when the “victimized” partner is unable to forgive or “let go” of what’s happened. These, of course, will be issues you’ll want to keep your eyes peeled for over the long haul.

While your partner claims that he sexually acted-out as a way to deal with your relationship problems, I would be cautious about accepting this as a black-and-white rationale. People act-out for various reasons. While it may be true that he acted out to cope with your relationship stress, the fact that this behavior existed prior to your getting together over 9 years ago indicates that there are likely other reasons at play here as well (reasons that your partner may not even be aware of himself yet). Behavior tends to be repetitive and is purposeful. This doesn’t necessarily preclude this as being a sexual addiction; it just means that somewhere along the way this kind of sexual acting-out behavior served an important function for your partner that helped meet some kind of physical or emotional need and was repeated. Addiction becomes a red flag when the individual is unable to control the impulses to act-out despite his knowledge of the consequences. In addition to using these types of sexual outlets to cope with relationship problems, it would be important for your partner to uncover any other possible reasons, triggers, or needs (met or unmet) that might have driven this particular behavior. This knowledge will then be useful in exploring other outlets for meeting these needs that will not jeopardize the relationship in the future. This is your partner’s responsibility to gain this insight, however.

The situation is made more difficult for you because it likely feels like a form of infidelity to you and I would assume you must be struggling with a lot of feelings of betrayal and mistrust. You must decide now whether you are willing to exert the energy involved in attempting to salvage your relationship. Is nine years of commitment and investment, coupled with what appears to be your partner’s attempts to reconcile with you by taking responsibility for what he’s done, worth it to you to try? Or is his behavior a deal-breaker for you? Only you can decide this, but as said before, take your time in deciding this and avoid making any kind of impulsive moves at this time. You are going through a bit of a grieving process now and need time to work through your emotions and sense of disillusionment. It might be helpful for you to speak with your own separate counselor to help sift through your feelings and clarify things to enable you to make a sound decision.

If you and your partner decide to work things out, it will be important that you each identify the ways that you each contributed to the problems in the relationship and the roles that you each played in the stress. What’s good about your partnership? What works really well? Build upon that! What’s not so good? What’s missing? What do you each need from the other that would make things more fulfilling for you? On top of everything else, ensure that you each create a climate in your home that allows for open and honest communication of needs, thoughts, and feelings. Never let anything get swept under the rug; address all issues directly and as close to the moment as possible and this can help stave off any sexual acting-out potential. Your relationship needs healing.

I wish you all the best with this process! As long as there really is no sexual addiction, the prognosis is very good considering how you’ve described how the two of you have been dealing with this problem. As long as he continues to take responsibility and consistently demonstrates this and as long as you grieve what’s happened and allow him the room and space to show you he’s changed, there is a good probability of success here. And as long as you’re able to manage any negative obsessive thinking about it, are able to forgive him and take ownership for any of your own issues, this will also go a long way toward making things better. If there really is a sexual addiction at play here and it is left untreated, the prognosis is usually poor. Particularly since your partner may not be aware of some of the underlying issues at play, if you’re comfortable, you could offer to be his “support buddy”; if he ever felt triggered to act-out, he would immediately contact you and you could talk it through with you to identify what he was feeling that was prompting the desire and then you could problem-solve alternate ways of expressing this need.  Through your couples’ therapy, your own individual counseling (should you choose that path), and addressing the above issues, the behavior in question should stop because then all the dynamics would have been addressed and intervened on a relational level and through your own behavior modification. If his behavior persists beyond that, then a possible addiction or other mental health issue could be suspect or there was a wavering commitment to the process.

While the articles I wrote were primarily aimed toward couples who were going through physical affairs in their relationship, you might want to check out two articles I had in a past newsletter that addressed reasons why people are unfaithful and offers tips on how to cope with it. While your situation is different, I think some of the principles could be applicable to helping you as well. Here are the links to the articles:

http://www.thegaylovecoach.com/newsletters/2006/newsletter0106.html

http://www.thegaylovecoach.com/newsletters/2006/newsletter0306.html

I hope this was helpful and that everything works out well for you. All my best to you!

• Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed.None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

This section is dedicated to you members/subscribers where you can offer your own tips and insights, as well as make announcements for resources pertaining to gay dating and relationships that you know of that would be of benefit to us all! Please feel free to forward these for possible inclusion to brian@thegaylovecoach.com.

Results from The Gay Love Coach Question of the Month voting poll
Question: Are you more often attracted to…?
  Results: A. Younger men 31 31%
    B. Older men 21 21%
    C. Men around your own age 33 33%
    D. All of the above 14 14%
          out of 99 votes

Go to www.TheGayLoveCoach.com to vote for this month’s new question now!

• The Monthly Gay Horoscope:
  The horoscopes are taken from the astrology column “Stargayzer” through “The Starry Eye” by Madam Lichtenstein, and are written exclusively for the gay community. For more info on the column or to check out the other monthly horoscopes, visit the site here. The following are for those of you having a birthday in September! Happy Birthday!
   
  SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23 - Dec 22)
The spotlight finds you no matter where you go or where you try to hide. Blame those six planets in your own sign for lighting up your tree with neon. December brings not only fame and glory, but also a bit of notoriety which can make you especially attractive. Take the world by storm, Archer. Share your gifts and don’t keep your intentions under wraps.
   
  CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 20)
Caps give and can receive this December. Make the most of your karma by volunteering for a worthy charity. You may find yourself wedged next to the celebrity du jour at a holiday party. Each opportunity can become an opportunity of a lifetime. Don’t foul it up by stringing mistletoe on a wire and hanging it over your head.
   
• The Gay Love Coach Forum at GayRites.net (http://www.gayrites.net). Come and join the interactive forum where anything and everything is up for discussion pertaining to gay dating and relationships. Read informative articles, ask questions, and comment on topics of discussion. It’s free to join and it’s a great place to dialogue about relationship issues and develop new friendships! It’s a great site to visit as well, check it out!
   
• Some additional resources of interest include:
 
o Looking for a gay roommate? prideroommates.com
o Searching for a good book?
o Want more dating & relationship resources? Relationship Coaching Institute
o Want to join the largest gay hub? Gay.com

Disclaimer: The Gay Love Coach does not represent or endorse the quality of any products, information, or materials displayed, purchased, or obtained by you as a result of its mention in this newsletter. It’s common sense to do your own due diligence before purchasing a product.
Coming in the near future, be sure to look out for special structured coaching programs for singles and couples designed to help you create a plan and strategies for achieving success over the unique challenges and issues posed in each life stage.
• One-on-One Individual Coaching focused on creating clarity and an action plan toward accomplishing your dating and relationship goals.

• Gay Singles Coaching Club: Group Coaching for single gay men looking for support and skills in managing issues related to singlehood and dating and prospering toward those goals.

• Gay Couples Coaching Club: Group Coaching for gay male couples seeking support and strategies for relationship enrichment and satisfaction, promoting flourishing partnerships.

• “Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life In Today’s World” (2006): new self-help book by David Steele, founder of The Relationship Coaching Institute, offering an innovative dating model for helping singles achieve success in dating and finding their future life partners. $17.95 plus shipping & handling. Click here for more information.

• “A Guide to Getting It: Purpose & Passion” (2005): new self-help book co-authored by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach, offering tips and tools for discovering your life purpose and bringing more passion into your life. $14.95 plus shipping & handling. Click here for more information.
 

For more information regarding these services or to read up on more FREE dating and relationship tips, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com, call Brian at (630) 375-7416, or write to:

Personal Victory Counseling
4260 Westbrook Dr. Ste. 126
Aurora, IL 60504
brian@thegaylovecoach.com
 
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