Dating For The 40+ Gay Man: 7 Steps To Success
by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

Introduction

Dating can be hard enough at times, but the situation can be made that much more challenging for those single gay men who represent the age 40 and up crowd. In a society where youth and beauty are highly valued, many middle-aged men report feeling segregated and unappreciated in dating pools, making it difficult to meet and sustain relationships with potential dating prospects. The problem can seem even more compounded in the gay community in which the emphasis on youth and brawn is amplified, causing many mature gay men to feel undesirable and like outsiders within gay circles. They feel unwanted and that their age hinders them and limits the pool of men available to them for dating, particularly when they report being rejected by men in their own cohort for younger guys. Ageism, or discrimination against someone because of his age, plagues many different layers of our culture—and it also can and does rear its ugly head in the gay dating world. This “over-the-hill” mentality is very damaging, robbing us of the opportunity to really experience life, take risks toward goals, and make the most of what we have (if we let it!). This case is illustrated in the comment of a former 29-year old client: “I turn 30 later this year and then I officially am old! I’ll never have a boyfriend now! I feel like my life is over and it’s all downhill from here on out!”

It is hoped that this article will prove all that wrong and provide you with some tips for maximizing your midlife dating success! While the reality is that ageism does exist and there are obstacles in the dating jungle (at any age), these hurdles do not have to dictate the outcome of your love-life. In actuality, your stage-of-life puts you in an advantageous position to conquer this adversity. With your life experience and history, you probably have a greater repertoire of coping skills, resiliency, sense of self, assertiveness, self-esteem, and an expansive support system and resources. This will take you far and makes you a very good catch!

So let’s push aside those fears that you won’t be able to attract someone after you reach a certain age. Let’s destroy that stereotype that all older gay men are unhappy, lonely, and camp out at the local strip bar every night “trolling.” It’s nonsense! YOU make your life what you want it to be and “you’re only as old as you feel”, as the “old” saying goes. Midlife is sexy! And here are seven tips to help boost your dating success as a 40+ single gay man to enhance your readiness for a relationship!

Step 1: Create your vision

No matter what your age, this is the most critical first step. It’s very important that you take the time to develop a clear and vivid image of who you are and what you want out of your life, including your dating life. Are you seeking a long-term relationship and a life partner or just casual dating? What does the rest of your life look like? What would your ideal partner be like and how would your relationship function? Your answers to such questions will help give you the direction you need to accomplish your goals, giving you a measuring stick to keep you on track and assess your status. How much of a gap exists between your idealized vision and your current reality? Do the work that’s needed to bridge that gap and begin the process of identifying your needs, differentiating between those that are negotiable and non-negotiable so you can more adequately screen future dating partners for their suitability with your vision.

Step 2: Befriend the midlife crisis

Erik Erickson is best known in the psychology field as having developed eight stages of psychosocial human development that we all pass through as we age through the lifespan. Every age group has its own unique challenges and developmental tasks to conquer before being able to successfully move on to the next stage. According to this theory, such hallmarks that exist for the middle-aged man include nurturing close relationships, career management, household maintenance, creativity, and commitment to family and the community. Having a sense of purpose and passion and being able to impact the world with one’s talents is a central feature. For more information on this theory, visit http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erikson's_stages_of_psychosocial_development . As gay men, many of our developmental tasks were skipped or neglected because of our retreat to “the closet” in coping with the homophobic society we live in. Successful integration of your gay identity into your sense of self allows you to then address those developmental tasks that were suspended until you were ready. So the next step for you is explore any developmental tasks that still require mastery from earlier years and start working at them. For example, a middle-aged man who comes out later in life will likely experience the adolescent tasks of exploring his sexuality and practicing man-to-man relationship skills, causing him to feel like a teenager again. Perfectly normal in gay male development, no matter what your age!

And then the next step for your success is to discover something that you can do that will give you a sense of meaning and purpose and begin to express that. Find your calling and live it out. This will be your legacy of sorts and is a great way to solidify your identity. This will help anchor you during your dating trials and can be one of the top ways of meeting a compatible partner. Your passion and “zest for life” will be magnetic and you’ll likely be meeting others with similar interests and philosophies in the venues you pursue.

The illustrious “midlife crisis” strikes those men who experience anxiety and apprehension at realizing they’ve lived half their lives and begin to question and contemplate what they’ve accomplished in their lives thus far, fearing that not much time is left to live their visions. Midlife is the perfect time to revisit your original vision and tweak it so it more accurately reflects who you are now and the man you’d still like to become. Reframe this time in your life as a time for growth and opportunity, not something to be abhorred. You have control over shaping your life into something spectacular and fulfilling!

Step 3: Destroy the monster in your head

What we say to ourselves impacts our mood and behavior. The “monster in your head” is that little voice that whispers (and sometimes screams) negative statements about yourself and the world around you. Our internal dialogue impacts whether we look at life through a lens of optimism and hope versus pessimism and negativity. Examine your self-talk as it pertains to being middle-aged and your views on dating and gay men. Create a list of all the thoughts that come to mind about these topics unedited. If you have such thoughts as “I’m too old to find love”, “All the good ones are taken”, “I’m going to be all alone”, or “Nobody will find me attractive, I’m 50!” then your monster needs an ass-kicking. Don’t fall into the trap of creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Begin creating a list of counter-statements or affirmations that will defeat this negative thinking. The more you believe these myths about midlife dating, the more you are setting yourself up for sabotage and it’s important to begin challenging these beliefs by taking stock of true-life success stories or by taking risks and creating your own triumphant victory. Refuse to be held victim to such deprecating thoughts and start developing a mindset around midlife as a positive time in your life to enjoy the fruits of your labor.

Step 4: Embrace your age

There’s no point becoming preoccupied with your youth “in the days gone by.” You’re as young as you feel and resisting the fact that life changes will only keep you arrested in your development and is a recipe for unhappiness and regret. Learn to accept all the physical and emotional changes that accompany midlife and be proud of who you are and your story. Do your best to reduce ageism and ensure that you yourself are not behaving in ways that perpetuate this type of discrimination. For example, if you utilize personal ads as a venue for seeking dating partners, make sure you are honest about all aspects of yourself and don’t fudge on your age. This will increase your odds of attracting more compatible people responding to your ad; remember, it’s quality and not the quantity of your responses.

Step 5: Align yourself with the right venues

Where do you meet other quality guys?! No matter what your age, this is one of the most common questions surrounding dating and it all boils down to your vision and values. While picking up other men in bars could be a viable approach, it’s a difficult setting to do so because there are so many guys to have to sift through and screen to determine their suitability with your vision for a life partner. The key is to match your values, needs, preferences, and life purpose with a venue that has some of these qualities and characteristics. This way, you’re surrounded by other men who share at least some semblance of your vision; that makes you one step closer to possibly finding someone who’d be a “good fit.” Examples might be volunteering for a worthy cause or advocacy center, joining a support group, participating in a sporting club, becoming active in a gay-friendly church, signing on to a personal ads site that caters to the middle-aged crowd, etc. The possibilities are endless, but self-knowledge about your vision and passions is a critical key to its success.

Step 6: Build your support team & membership club

Nothing helps you through the trials and tribulations of dating better than a solid support system of friends and people who care about you. Invest in current and new relationships with friends and family to give you that boost and sense of connection that we all need. Make sure to look for other midlife gay men who display positive dating lifestyles or older gay couples who can be looked upon as role models to keep them visible in your mind and to help motivate you to see the possibilities that abound. You could even become a mentor yourself to a younger gay man to “give back” in some way and form other positive alliances.

Step 7: Be proactive and have the right stuff

Dating is not a passive activity. You must be proactive and go after what you want or the likelihood of success is minimized. Develop a strong resource bank of dating skills and behaviors that will promote the chances of more positive outcomes. Strengthen your social skills, build more assertiveness and comfort with boundaries, enhance your self-esteem and body image, resolve unfinished business from the past, and get yourself into good physical and emotional shape. Get yourself armed and ready for love!

Conclusion

Gay dating success can be yours in midlife, and at any age! By incorporating these seven steps into your dating plan, you’re well on your way to increasing the odds of success. Know yourself, develop a positive and optimistic mindset, build your repertoire of dating skills and behaviors, and live your life to the fullest! This can be the best time of your life; don’t waste another minute!For more information on gay midlife and dating, here are a few resources that might be of interest.

• For more elaboration on the concepts of vision, dating venues, and dating skills:  “Conscious Dating: Finding The Love of Your Life In Today’s World” by David Steele. Campbell, CA: RCN Press. 2006.

• Literature on managing issues related to the gay midlife:  “Golden Men: The Power of Gay Midlife” by Harold Kooden, PhD & Charles Flowers. New York, NY: Avon Books. 2000.

• http://www.graygay.com-and-http://www.grayandgay.com

© 2007 Brian L. Rzepczynski

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Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.

Please also include with the article the words © Copyright and prominently display a link to our main page at the end of the article. Any feedback would be appreciated and can be sent to brian@thegaylovecoach.com. Thank you!

here! Interactive Media Advice Column

here! Interactive Media approached me about a month back and asked if I’d participate in their new bi-weekly online advice column for January. Each month, they have a guest columnist responding to various questions on gay love and life, sent to them by their readers. Last month, they pooled together a team of columnists for the official launch of the advice column—they had a porn star (Brian Hansen), a drag queen (Pam Ann), and yours truly respond to the same set of questions (4 to be exact) and what follows below are my responses. To check out the actual column postings, go to  http://www.hereconnect.com/article.cfm?section=9&id=12318 and http://www.hereconnect.com/article.cfm?section=9&id=12114 . Visit www.hereconnect.com monthly for new guest columnists and questions that are posed biweekly!

I’ve been in a relationship for a couple of years and the sex just isn’t there anymore. It was never really great, but now, it’s almost non-existent, which is strange to me because I thought gay men did it constantly. Is it possible to be in love with someone and just not be sexually compatible? How do you make it work in the relationship?

Being in love and sexual compatibility are two separate entities. In relationship development, the high sexual energy that typically defines “the early years” together does tend to decrease the longer a couple is together; this isn’t necessarily a sign that you don’t love each other anymore or that there is a problem—it is a normal part of the maturation of your relationship and more attention and effort is needed to keep the intimacy alive. Getting caught up in the myth that gay men are sexual machines can definitely cause you to question yourself when your sex life wanes, so it’s important not to buy into this fallacy. Sometimes, sexlessness is a symptom of an underlying problem in a relationship and this should be examined. Or maybe time needs to be scheduled for lovemaking. Try to bring more novelty into the bedroom to spice things up—have sex in different places and positions, write out graphic sexual fantasies that you exchange and act out, etc. Openly communicate with your partner to determine if your lack of intimacy is the problem or if it’s a symptom of other issues and as a team begin addressing directly what you uncover.

I cheated on my boyfriend and I’m not sure what to do. We talked about having an open relationship and he was adamantly against it—I was for it, did it anyway, and now I feel guilty as hell. I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t want to lie either. What do I do?

The age-old “do I tell him I cheated” question remains a controversial topic and is one only you can personally make as it applies to your value system. Having broken the “monogamy contract” in your relationship will likely be hurtful to your partner. All our choices have consequences, and you will need to decide which course of action you’ll be able to live with. Your infidelity is a flag that your current relationship agreement is not working for you. You are doing you and your partner a huge disservice by not discussing this issue further as it will likely continue to eat away at you and cause further problems in your relationship. By not telling your partner, you continue to betray the foundation of trust that good relationships are built upon and further serve to amplify your guilt and damage your sense of integrity and self-esteem. Covered-up truths have a way of coming out in the long run. While it’s scary and you run the risk of your partner’s terminating the relationship, telling him shows that you care for him by being honest. From there, you can determine if the two of you are truly a compatible match, if there are things in your relationship that need work, or if there are issues within yourself that need resolution.

I’ve been dating a guy for a few months who I like a lot. The problem is he’s older, makes a ton more money than I do, and I can’t help but be reminded of that every time we do anything together. He wants to travel … I can’t afford to go where he wants. We go to fancy restaurants and he has to pay. How can I tell him I like him, but we need to do things more on the level of my pay grade?

Communication is key in relationships and your boyfriend won’t know how you feel and will likely continue this behavior until you give voice to your concerns. Your discomfort could also convert to resentment over the long-term, and this could potentially sabotage a possibly good relationship. It’s important to be assertive and directly express your needs and feelings to him. “I” messages are a great communication technique for phrasing what you want to say in an assertive, succinct way. The model goes as such: “I feel _____ when you _____ because _____, so instead I’d prefer _____.” In your situation, it might sound something like: “I feel uncomfortable when you take me out on luxurious dates because I can’t afford the same lifestyle at this time and would like to contribute, so instead I’d prefer we choose activities that are more in line with my pay grade.” When spoken in this manner, you are being honest with your feelings and taking responsibility for them, are not criticizing or attacking him because you’re focusing on how his behavior affects you (not him as a person), and you’re sticking up for yourself by asking for what you want. You’re also setting the stage for more constructive dialogue to continue in a non-defensive fashion.

When I got together with my boyfriend, I told him I was a top and he told me he was a bottom, and for six months now, I’ve topped, he’s bottomed. I want to try things the other way around, but every time we go there, he freaks out and can’t perform. Is there anything I can do to get him over his fear?

Your partner obviously feels uncomfortable with this role-reversal and it’s important not to push him to do something he doesn’t want to do. It might be helpful to communicate with him about what your desire to mix things up sexually comes from and to explore with him how he feels and what it means for him to be in the “top” role to better understand where his anxiety is stemming from. His anxiety is his issue, so there’s not much you can do except to ask him if there’s anything you can do to make him more comfortable and to create a bedroom climate where performance isn’t the emphasis so he can ease into it. Practicing with sexual aids and becoming more educated on how to please a partner through books and videos might be helpful for him, but it has to be his choice. Are there dynamics in your relationship that might hold him back? Ultimately, communication is key here and neither of you should feel pressured to do things you genuinely don’t want to do. Brainstorm other ways of bringing more novelty and spice to your sex life and explore other ways you can have your “bottom” needs met, including having your boyfriend use a dildo or sex toy on you during sex play for your pleasure.

• Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

• Gay Singles Coaching Club: Group Coaching for single gay men looking for support and skills in managing issues related to singlehood and dating and prospering toward those goals.

• Gay Couples Coaching Club: Group Coaching for gay male couples seeking support and strategies for relationship enrichment and satisfaction, promoting flourishing partnerships.

• “Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life In Today’s World” (2006): new self-help book by David Steele, founder of The Relationship Coaching Institute, offering an innovative dating model for helping singles achieve success in dating and finding their future life partners. $17.95 plus shipping & handling. Click here for more information.

• “A Guide to Getting It: Purpose & Passion” (2005): new self-help book co-authored by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach, offering tips and tools for discovering your life purpose and bringing more passion into your life. $14.95 plus shipping & handling. Click here for more information.

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