“Restoring Trust In Gay Relationships”
by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
www.thegaylovecoach.com

Introduction

Trust is probably the most important ingredient in fostering a healthy committed relationship and is commonly known to be the glue that cements a couple together. Trust is the endearing faith and confidence that your partner will respect you and not take advantage of or hurt you. It’s a feeling that he is genuine, authentic, dependable, and sincere. This connection allows you to be completely uninhibited and open yourself up to being vulnerable and share your most intimate thoughts and feelings—spots and all! Time and experience with your man has enabled a climate of safety to evolve in your relationship because you’ve both consistently demonstrated honor and strength of character in your actions toward each other and those around you.

While trust takes time to develop and is a hallmark of a successful relationship, it can very quickly be damaged if not nurtured and cause severe consequences for the future of the partnership afflicted by an indiscretion. Once trust has been compromised, it can be very difficult to repair, and in some cases that damage can be irreversible. This article will offer some tips for those couples invested in bridging the gap and attempting to restore the impaired trust in their relationships.

All that a relationship has been built upon comes crashing down once trust has been violated, which is why it’s typically not a quick-fix and requires a lot of time and energy dedicated to its repair. Maybe he cheated on you. Perhaps you told him a white lie. He might have broken a promise to you. No matter how miniscule or severe the crime committed may seem, the dynamics and the sense of security the relationship once shared will likely be shifted.

Developing trust in someone can be made difficult when there’s been a history of emotional/verbal/physical abuse, when one’s feelings have been minimized or ignored, or when there’s unresolved grief or hurt from the past. Your family background and prior experiences in relationships can also be contributing factors to difficulties with trust, as well as significant stress, low self-esteem, and addictions. Just the nature of being gay can make us prone to being mistrustful because of the years we spent hiding behind masks or “closet doors” to protect ourselves against homophobia. And when the man we fall in love with betrays that ultimate brotherhood bond, it can be devastating and lead to an almost paranoid state of always assessing his every move and action and becoming hypersensitive to any possible indication of disloyalty to compensate for and protect against getting hurt again. Intimacy suffers and the level of involvement tends to become distant.

While it may seem insurmountable at times, it is very possible to heal from broken trust and come out on the other side with a positive outcome. You must first decide, however, if you are truly invested in salvaging your relationship with each other and that you’re doing it for the right reasons. If the violation goes against your core beliefs and values, is this really a good partner choice? Staving off being alone and having to start over again is not a good reason to dismiss an inappropriate behavior that opposes who you are and what you stand for. Make sure your motives are in the right place and that you each share a genuine common vision of rising above and conquering this challenge because your relationship is worth it.

Here are some tips for those couples who are invested in that process. These recommendations can help promote the chances for a progression through the hurdles of repairing trust to a new life of possibility as lifelong partners:

• Get a good handle on any projections that might be being triggered from the past; your boyfriend is not your ex or your father who may have hurt you before. Focus on the here-and-now and deal directly with this current reality and not those distractions that you’ll still need to grieve and complete.

• Reach out to others. Nothing can help restore the human spirit better than serving those in need or seeing acts of kindness in motion. This helps renew the fact that there is goodness in people and this can be accomplished through volunteering for a charity or tapping into spirituality venues, for example. Access your support system too.

• You and your partner will need to communicate and listen to each other; make sure you know how to do this well and enlist the help of a trained therapist if needed. Difficult discussions abound and you each will need to be able to express and understand each other’s perspectives. You will also need to acknowledge and validate each other’s experiences of the problem and reach an understanding of how and why this happened, staying focused on the issue-at-hand.

• You will each need to take responsibility for the roles you played in the indiscretion and be open to apologizing and forgiving each other.

• In your problem-solving, you will need to create a new “relationship contract”, agreeing to behavior that’s fair vs. unjust and ensuring you each share these same definitions. Identify any unrealistic expectations to avoid any set-ups for sabotage.

• Create a healing climate in your relationship. There is no room for competition, jealousy, blame, or defensiveness any more. Introduce more tenderness and attentiveness to each other’s needs. Demonstrate to each other consistently that you are each priorities to one another and remember that you get back what you put into your relationship (The Law of Attraction).

• Monitor your self-talk and counter any negative thoughts that could interfere with your relationship efforts and self-esteem. Begin the process of re-establishing a secure identity where you’re open to taking risks and being vulnerable again.

• Learn to “let go” of any bitterness to allow each of you the opportunity to grow and change. Take an inventory of the positive memories, behaviors, interactions, and characteristics of your partner to keep you balanced and hopeful.

The road to recovery from broken trust can lead you to a lot of self-discovery and growth in your relationship with sustained effort and a positive mindset. Recognize how trust issues play out between you and your partner, identify the behaviors needed to overcome obstacles, and confront any blocks that might hold you back from your goals. And lastly, realize that trust needs constant feeding in relationships and that the hardest thing in the world for you to do right now is an essential component of moving forward—becoming vulnerable again. But by opening yourself up, you’ll truly be able to see if you’re loved for who you really are and you’ll be a more active and happier participant in life.

© 2007 Brian L. Rzepczynski

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Dear Coach:

I’m 23 and have been having a hard time finding a guy to settle down with. I recently met someone online and we’ve talked on the phone and seem pretty compatible thus far and have decided to meet. The trouble I’m having is that he’s bisexual. I’d prefer the guy I’m with not be able to see himself with a woman just as much as he could see himself with me. I know it’s premature, but what if we really hit it off after we meet in person? I don’t know what kind of life I could have knowing or thinking about him with women as well as him being with myself. He also said that he might be interested in me as “friends with benefits”, and if that’s the case, it won’t work for me. I live in a small town, so it’s really hard to find guys here period. What should I do?

Curious To Try With A Bi

Dear Curious:

 Contemplating getting involved with someone who is bisexual seems to be causing a bit of an internal struggle for you. This has long been a controversial topic, with many advising against it because of the potential that the bisexual will eventually return to opposite-sex relating and mating. This can, and has happened to many gay men who’ve been left by their bisexual lover for another woman and is something to consider. However, there are also those gay and bisexual men who have been successful in cultivating and maintaining long-term relationships. It all really depends on the individuals involved and the type of relationship that’s developed. It’s really more about the people involved than the “bisexual issue.” We all need love.

This being said, one caution against dating someone bisexual would be dependent on his particular stage in “the coming out process.” Typically, those who label themselves as “bi” early in their coming to terms with their sexual identity may vacillate back and forth between men and women in turmoil as they try to make sense of who they are in the midst of a homophobic and biphobic society. Unless you are willing to go on the roller coaster ride of their coming-out journey (and be prepared for lots of uncertainty and drama), it’s probably ill-advised to become involved until the person is comfortable and confident with his identity. Some individuals will come out of this with a genuine bisexual orientation, while others might be using this label to help them defend against their fears of true homosexual leanings. It’s all part of the process of learning about oneself.  Remember that sexuality exists on a continuum, from 100% heterosexual to 100% homosexual, and everyone holds a position somewhere along the line. Where is your new love interest in his sexual identity development?

My first suggestion to you (and the most important!) would be to put aside this guy’s sexual orientation for a moment and instead focus on who you are and what your vision is for your future life and relationship with a partner. What matters to you? What are your values? What do you want to accomplish? How will a partner fit into your life? What kind of a relationship are you seeking? What are you looking for in a partner? Begin the process of identifying what your negotiable (what you want, but would be willing to compromise) and non-negotiable (things you absolutely must have and things you absolutely cannot have to be in this relationship) needs are and let this be your guide as you date men and screen them for their suitability. How do you feel about bisexuality? Could you date someone bisexual? Why or why not? Would a partner’s being bisexual be classified as a negotiable or a non-negotiable need for you? Your answer to this question will dictate whether you should pursue an intimate relationship with this guy you’ve developed an interest with. If it’s non-negotiable, it’s best to avoid getting yourself involved further with him emotionally as you’ll only be setting yourself up for pain and disappointment. If it’s negotiable, then perhaps a period of dating would be helpful for you. The success of these types of relationships rests largely on open communication and setting very clear boundaries.

A few things jump out at me in your letter that I think will be important for you to examine. Your preoccupation or concern with the potential for him to become involved with women is a signal or flag for you to look at more deeply. What bothers you the most about this? Explore further what this means to you and determine if your concerns are rational and real to who you are vs. myths you’ve heard about bisexuality or adopting the “shoulds” of others. If his bisexuality opposes your values, vision, and personal requirements, then this is likely not a good match. Secondly, your new friend’s statement that he might be interested in you as a “friend with benefits” speaks loudly to what his image is in what he’s looking for. This is not a person who is looking to build a long-term intimate relationship at this time. He is solely looking for companionship and sex.  If your vision is to build a monogamous relationship with a partner for life, this particular man does not appear to be a good-fit with that vision. So be careful and make sure you know exactly what kind of relationship you want and would be willing to invest in. Thirdly, while it can be very challenging and frustrating living in a geographical area where gay men are scarce, it would be very detrimental to you to start up relations with someone just because there’s little else to choose from. Never settle for a guy “just because”, and try to discover healthy alternatives for coping with loneliness and segregation until you do find a more compatible dating partner. You’ll be saving yourself lots of time and energy and you’ll also be able to keep centered on what’s most important for you to accomplish your goals.

I hope this helps! I wish you all the best with your decision. You deserve a truly good man in your life, so ensure that the choices you make will take you down the right path to increasing your odds of success.

All my support,

© Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

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