“Shy Guys Make Good Boyfriends Too!”
by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
www.thegaylovecoach.com

Introduction
You look up from your book at the coffee shop and become paralyzed with nervous anticipation as you see the hot guy you’ve been smitten with from afar sit down at the table across the room. He’s alone today and what a great opportunity it would be to finally approach him and introduce yourself. But the anxiety is mounting as you visualize yourself doing this and you bury yourself back in your book. You feel your face burning as you berate yourself for not having the guts to make yourself known. “He’d never be interested in me!” “I’d just die if he rejected me!” “And what if he did show some interest? What would I say? He’d think I’m a complete idiot and loser the second I’d open my mouth!” These thoughts swirl through your mind as you look up to find another guy has swooped in for the kill and has been invited to sit at the table with the object of your desire. Another missed opportunity!

If you’re a shy guy, and don’t want to be, dating can be a frustrating and daunting experience. When you’re out and about, it looks so easy for other guys to approach and cozy up to other men. Or if you do have advances made toward you, you just want to kick yourself when you freeze up and don’t know what to say and feel like you’ve made a bad impression and scare him off.

This article will shed some light on the symptoms and psychology behind shyness and offer some suggestions for breaking free of its chains that hold you back from experiencing a satisfying social and dating life.

What It’s Like For The Shy Guy
Shyness ranges on a continuum from situational to dispositional. Some people tend to be socially inhibited in just certain types of settings or circumstances, whereas for other people this anxiety tends to be more of a personality trait that is a predominant way of life, manifesting itself in many different types of scenarios across the board. Shy guys tend to be more introverted, preferring more solitary activities to their extroverted counterparts, who tend to like to recharge their batteries through social contact. Neither is better or worse than the other, though society does tend to favor the more outgoing personality-type and stigmatizes the more quiet, internal individuals. The more important aspect here is whether or not any negative consequences are experienced as a result of one’s particular leanings.

Although there are exceptions, generally speaking many shy guys tend to feel uncomfortable in social situations and dislike having attention called to themselves. This anxiety can be translated into stumbling on their words/stuttering, becoming easily embarrassed, and showing many physical signs of being nervous. They tend to feel judged by others and are highly sensitive to the opinions of others, wanting to avoid any type of criticism or rejection. They can feel inhibited, self-conscious, have a difficult time relaxing, and are very internal and self-focused in the sense that they are very preoccupied with their own thoughts, feelings, and physical reactions. They have a difficult time meeting people, struggle with initiating and maintaining conversations, dread group interactions, and can have a hard time standing up for themselves and voicing their opinions and needs. Unfortunately, many people can misinterpret a shy guy’s behavior as his being snooty, stuck-up, arrogant, or aloof and cold when that’s really not the case at all.

Shy guys often times shine when they are in settings where they feel safe or are around people they know well. They also often perform well in structured situations where the players interact in scripted-like roles where there’s little need for spontaneity or mingling without a purpose. Positively speaking, shy individuals tend to be very creative and have great imaginations that can lend themselves remarkably well to relationships and situations of leadership and change. Their biggest culprit is the negative self-talk in their heads that minimize their competence and value; if this obstacle could be removed, their quality of life would boost to a much higher level.

Why So Shy?
Most psychological experts believe that shyness is a learned behavior or a reaction to a negative event that inhibits the person. For example, if you were raised in a family where you were made to feel “less than”, your shyness could have developed out of a belief that you were only worthwhile if you lived up to certain expectations, so you became more inhibited and stifled as a result. If you lived with others who were shy or emotionally identified with an attachment figure who was shy, you may have observed and modeled that behavior yourself and it became a part of you. Negative experiences or being the victim of a trauma could also contribute to the development of shyness.

Growing up gay doesn’t help the shy guy much either. Living “in the closet” and trying to cope with being different in a homophobic society could have inhibited you even more, amplifying the effects of shyness. Having been a shy guy myself, feeling more comfortable with my sexual identity and “coming-out” helped me tremendously in breaking out of my shell and becoming more socially confident as I was finally able to be the “real me” and let loose without the fear of scrutiny. Where does your shyness stem from? Try to understand the origins of your shyness by examining your attitudes and past experiences more closely.

Battle Strategies For Overcoming Shyness
Conquering the shyness beast is not a quick-fix, so it’s important to go slow, pace yourself, and take small steps toward your goals. From my own personal experience and from my work as a therapist and coach with clients, the following are some practical coping tools for taking some steps toward overcoming shyness for those guys who don’t want to be held back any further from realizing and living their visions for fulfilling social and dating experiences.

• Become educated in anxiety management strategies. Learn relaxation techniques that will help you cope more effectively with nervousness so you don’t keep succumbing to the power of your physical reactions.

• Develop a contract with yourself or a close friend/family member detailing an action plan for how you intend to conquer your shyness problem. Schedule times every week that will stretch you out of your comfort zone and put yourself in social situations where you can practice becoming more confident and savvy. Learn about systematic desensitization to help gradually expose yourself to anxiety-provoking situations.

• If throwing yourself into a social scene is too overwhelming to start with, start slower by taking an acting class or joining a public speaking meeting like Toastmasters. These venues are excellent places to teach you valuable social skills in a structured, safe, setting that will give you the practice you need to feel more self-assured. They’re great for building your confidence and self-esteem too and you can make some great new friends! When you’re ready, try the structured Speed Dating craze as a segue to experimenting in the dating world. For now, don’t attach any investment in outcome. Use the more non-threatening parts of your world as your practice laboratory. In time, you’ll develop more of a sense of mastery and comfort in your own skin.

• Learn communication and active listening skills that will assist you in having conversations with others. Be mindful of your body language and how you carry yourself too.  If you need to, plan ahead and make a list of topics you can talk about at a social gathering or event, but don’t be rehearsed.

• Picture yourself as you’d like to be and visualize this on a regular basis to rehearse and internalize this more socially sophisticated you. Role-play with a trusted friend. Create a collage with pictures, words, and symbols that represent the image of the “new you” and keep it posted in a place where you see it every day to keep centered and motivated on where you’re headed.

• Break out of the self-absorption trap by transferring the focus to helping others. Channel the energies that reinforced your shyness into rewarding activities that will benefit others in some way. Paradoxically, you’ll be helping yourself too!

• Most importantly, challenge the negative thoughts that go through your head. These feed your insecurity and breed shyness. Learn about cognitive distortions and learn how to “talk back” to self-defeating thoughts that sabotage you. Look at situations realistically and substitute those toxic thoughts with more affirming ones that will empower you to see and act like the great guy that you are.

• Read as many books and workbooks on shyness and social anxiety as you can. Enlist the help of a therapist or coach to go through them with you to help you generalize your learning to the places where it counts most.

Conclusion
Realize, shy guys, that the more you run from and avoid your anxiety-provoking situations, the more strengthened and reinforced your shyness gets. The key is to stop giving away your personal power to others (in what you perceive of them thinking of you) and learn to become more assertive. Stand up for yourself, take charge of your life, and don’t stay home another Friday night alone in front of the TV. Get out there and make your dreams come true! You have a lot to contribute and give, but you must realize this first and take proactive steps to making your vision a reality.

And a special note to all of you single, extroverted, outgoing, non-shy guys….
Don’t be so quick to dismiss a guy just because he’s a little quiet or reserved. Shy guys can very easily get “lost in the crowd” and get overlooked by the more colorful, sociable men that tend to draw the attention in social circles. Never underestimate the power and value of a shy guy. He is very creative, passionate, loyal, and caring. Sometimes he might need a little extra encouragement or reassurance, but he’s loving and he’s got your back and he can add a lot of meaning to your life. So never turn a blind eye, because shy guys make good boyfriends too. And who knows, he could even turn out to be your life partner.

© 2007 Brian L. Rzepczynski

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"We’re Fighting All The Time!”

Dear Coach:

I’m 23 and have recently come out of the closet (although not completely yet!). I met a great guy and we’ve been in a relationship now for almost a year and a half. Unfortunately, it seems like we’ve lost the spark we had before and we can’t go a week without fighting. It’s really started to take a toll on us. I love him so much, but I’m not sure if it’s worth it anymore…what do I do?

23 and Confused

Dear 23 and Confused:

Thanks for writing and I’m sorry to hear that things have started to go sour with you and your boyfriend. Your dating relationship is still very young in its development and the two of you are still in the process of getting to know each other. This is a time for the two of you to have fun and experience each other in a variety of different contexts to determine if you are compatible with your interests, values, and vision for the future. The tension you’re feeling is likely occurring in response to clashes in the differences you share. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re not a good fit for each other; it’s a signal for the two of you to examine what’s underneath the conflict. Why are you fighting and what about? What’s the purpose behind the arguments? What unmet needs are being expressed through your feuds?

It could be that you each share different value systems and priorities that oppose each other. It’s possible that one or both of you have intimacy issues that prevent the ability to get close and conflict becomes a way to keep a degree of distance. It’s also common for men who are newly “out” to lack knowledge of man-to-man relationship skills or are still struggling with their sexual identity and this can sabotage their efforts in maintaining relationship because of their lack of experience. The reasons for the conflict are endless, but your job is to pinpoint exactly what is at play with the dynamics between you and your boyfriend.

Make it a rule to discontinue discussions with each other when things get heated. When dialogues turn into yelling matches, nothing good can come from that. When either of you see things going in an unproductive direction, call a “Time Out” and leave the situation before your anger gets the best of you. Return at a later time to talk things out when you’re both calmer and able to converse with calmness and understanding. Make an appointment with each other to do this, otherwise you run the risk of not addressing your feelings and concerns and these will then convert to resentment.

It would be helpful for each of you to identify what your needs are in a partner and in a relationship. Take the focus off of what your guy is or isn’t doing and instead do a self-examination of who you are and what you stand for. What’s negotiable and what’s non-negotiable with your needs? The two of you then need to discuss with each other these needs. A non-negotiable need is something that you absolutely must have or cannot have in a relationship for you to be able to be with that person. If your boyfriend has any characteristics that are reminiscent of a non-negotiable need for you, it is unlikely that you will be fulfilled with him. Your values are core to who you are and relationship success is predicated on both partners sharing common values and philosophies of life. If your boyfriend is unwilling to work with you on meeting your needs, and vice versa, it’s important not to invest any more emotional energy into trying to make something work that isn’t a good fit. If both of you are willing to try, I’d recommend enlisting the help of a trained therapist who specializes in gay relationships to help you guys learn how to be in relationship with each other.

So just remember that conflicts in relationships are normal and not necessarily a sign that you shouldn’t be together. Communication is critical if the two of you are going to overcome this rough patch. Make sure to have fun with each other and focus on the positives. I wish you the best with your situation! Good luck!

© Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

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