“It’s All About Us: Running Your Own Relationship Pow-Wow”
by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
www.thegaylovecoach.com

Introduction

Let’s face it--life can be pretty darn hectic sometimes! Juggling all those commitments and trying to balance the roles and responsibilities you have can be quite challenging, and the one area of your life that can take the biggest hit is your relationship. It can be so easy to take your partner for granted as you try to tackle all those work demands, return your friends’ phone calls, and meet those family obligations. If you let it, your relationship can begin to lose its sense of priority, especially if you and your partner have gotten into a comfortable groove in the way you relate and function as a couple. The obvious consequence to this is a weakening of connection, potential decreased intimacy, emotional distance, and resentment over unmet needs.

All relationships, no matter how good, require consistent feeding. You must constantly nurture them, attend to them, and ensure that they remain healthy and strong. This is especially so because relationships, and the individuals who comprise them, are always changing with the passage of time. To not grow with the changes can result in a breakdown with inevitable conflict and sometimes demise.

I’m a big advocate for doing periodic “check-ins” with your significant other to make sure the relationship is progressing in a mutually-satisfying direction. Gay men (actually men in general!) typically tend to favor problem-solving and action over communication. This thereby creates the potential for huge rifts to occur in their relationships because of the lack of dialogue to ensure they and their partners are on “the same page” with things that matter most. This article will describe one strategy that can promote you and your partner’s focus on your relationship; this technique can help you avoid getting distracted by other forces in your life and remind you to communicate and tend to the needs of your relationship to keep feeding its successful growth.

The Relationship Pow-Wow

Pow-Wow is a Native-American term that means a gathering or an important meeting. If you and your partner don’t discuss the business and emotional aspects of your relationship on a regular basis, or if you find that your “couple time” is in competition with all the other life tasks and roles that must be fulfilled, then your relationship is likely in jeopardy without intervention. These things cannot be glossed over! The Relationship Pow-Wow might be just what the doctor ordered to get you guys back on track!

This technique is comparable to what therapists propose to families who need a more structured format for spending more quality time together, communicating about needs and feelings, and engaging in collaborative decision-making. That’s exactly what you’ll be doing with your partner; it’ll just be one-on-one!

It’s actually a very simple concept. Basically, the two of you will come up with a mutually-agreeable time to meet to discuss how things are going in your relationship. This will become a regular and predictable part of your relationship and is intended to be a safe place for the two of you to air your thoughts, feelings, and resolve differences. The length and frequency of the meetings is individualized per couple; if your relationship seems to be running along smoothly, perhaps once per month is sufficient. If you and your partner are going through some transitions, adjustments, or crises, you might want to increase the frequency to weekly or every few days. You will tailor your Pow-Pow to the unique needs of your relationship.

• Meet at the same place and at the same time. This will help develop a ritual for your relationship where it will decrease the chances you’ll forget about it. If need be, write it down in your scheduling book. Minimize distractions and really use this time to honor each other and what you’ve built together.
• Both you and your partner will have equal “floor time” to speak your mind. You will each be the “listener” and the “speaker”, making sure not to interrupt until the speaker is finished. Be respectful of each other’s expressed opinions and beliefs and make a rule to not use vulgarities or put each other down. Keep the complaining out! State your needs and feelings directly and assertively and ask for what you want.
• If the climate of your meeting becomes tense or has a flavor of being unproductive, call a “Time-Out” to defuse any potential for misdirected anger. The Pow-Wow will not work if it becomes a battle-ground. Make sure you schedule another time to complete the meeting if you need to postpone it to allow some time to regain composure.
• The meeting will require you to use good communication, conflict negotiation, and problem-solving skills. If you’re not well-versed in these, study up on active listening, “I” messages, brainstorming, or enlist the services of a coach or couples counselor to help you fine-tune these critical skills.
• Keep a notebook handy at your meeting and journal or keep minutes of what was discussed. You can always refer to this at the beginning of each meeting to track your progress on stated goals and also helps with accountability and remembering what was discussed.
• Strive toward win/win solutions. As two men socialized for competitiveness in the same relationship, keep the wrestling matches out! Remember that you’re on the same team, you don’t always have to agree on everything, and negotiate for the benefit of the relationship itself, not one particular individual.

Running A Pow-Wow

Step 1:  One partner will begin the meeting by sharing his perception of how the week went as it pertains to the partnership. What went well in the relationship? What didn’t go so well? What needs were met and unmet?

Step 2:  The other partner will repeat back what he heard his partner say, empathizing with and validating the message. He will then share his perceptions and the other partner will then mirror back.

Step 3:  Together, celebrate any victories that occurred and then transition into defining any problems that exist, brainstorming potential solutions for consideration.

Step 4:  Develop an action plan for the specified goal. Outline specifically what each partner will do toward resolution of the target problem. Make sure to assess movement toward the goal at the beginning of the next Pow-Wow.

Step 5: Share your appreciations for each other before you adjourn and then go do something fun that will further cement your bond as a couple.

No Agenda?

So what if you don’t have anything to talk about at your meeting? While that is very rare, still go through the above steps. It’s ok to have a short session and expect that all meetings will not be the same duration. Also, not every get-together will require problem-solving or action-planning. Here’s a few additional creative ideas for getting the most out of your time together when you don’t have any “burning issues” to discuss:

• Discuss your visions for your future as a couple and as individuals.
• Plan for fun. Talk about any vacations or recreational outings you’d like to pursue in the near or long-range future.
• Each of you grab a deck of index cards and write some sentence completion stems on them. Read them aloud to each other and answer them. For example, “One thing I really appreciate about you is _____”; “Something I need for you to understand about me is _____”; ” If there was one thing I’d like to be different about our relationship, it would be _____”. Get creative and have fun!
• Go to your local gift or gaming specialty store and purchase one of those board games geared toward couples, intimacy, and relationships. Play the game together!

Conclusion

No matter how busy or chaotic your life gets, never lose sight of how important your relationship is to you. The Relationship Pow-Wow can be one way to keep centered and focused on keeping your relationship primed and to keep the channels of communication open. Remember that the meetings need to also highlight the positives you share and also make sure that they don’t replace or substitute other quality time the two of you could be sharing. Have a regular “Date Night” as part of your routine to keep the spark alive. And most importantly, keep the communication going in-between sessions also. Be flexible with your meetings as things will happen and always be mindful of keeping your relationship as the number one priority, no matter how crazy life gets. You’re there for each other!

© 2007 Brian L. Rzepczynski

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Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.

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“I’m In Love With My Straight Friend & I Think He Might Really Be Gay”

Dear Coach:

I have a friend whom I’ve been hanging out with for the past few months who is straight and I’ve always found him to be very cute. But the more time we spend together, he’s started making jokes with sexual innuendo and saying that he wants to get with me sexually. Sometimes he’ll grab my hand and then pull it away very quickly and act all embarrassed or we’ll lay on my bed watching a movie and our arms will touch for an extended period of time without his moving away (but then he eventually does and bitches about it). It’s very confusing because it feels like we’re getting closer, but then at other times he pulls away. He’s 18 and I’m 24 and I’m just wondering if he’s really gay and trying to come to terms with it because I acted that way when I was first coming out. We’ve been spending a lot of time together lately and I’ve expressed how much I value him and he’s aware that I’m gay. He told me last week that he loves me and I’ve never been happier; he says that it just takes him a long time to get attached to someone and it’s hard for him to express himself in words. I really feel that he’s as attracted to me as I am to him but he just puts up a hard exterior because these must be new feelings for him. I really like him a lot and want to pursue this further but I don’t want to scare him off or push him away either. What do you think?

Hopelessly In Love

Hi Hopelessly In Love!

It sounds like you and your friend are definitely getting closer! What type of relationship that is, however, is yet to be defined. Be careful here, my friend. The interactions the two of you have been having seem to be getting more intimate and the friendship connection appears to be deepening. At the same time, he’s sending you a lot of mixed messages—sometimes the dynamics between the two of you are titillating and filled with perceived sexual tension; at other times, he holds you at arm’s length.

It’s very possible that he’s confused about his sexual identity and doesn’t know how to manage his feelings of attraction he has for you, so he’ll be affectionate and vulnerable with you one minute, and the next he’s pushing you away to protect himself against possible fears that he might be gay. The coming-out process, as you know, takes you on a roller-coaster ride of emotions, and you may be witnessing this from him.

The other scenario could be that he’s truly heterosexual and is just now practicing letting his guard down with you since he states it’s really hard for him to become attached and express himself. He might feel uncomfortable being vulnerable. He values your friendship and may be trying to feel out how to be friends with a gay man with his possible limited experience.

Until he actually tells you he’s gay and attracted to you or the two of you share a romantic or sexual moment, you just don’t know and should tread carefully so you don’t read into things and can protect yourself. I always advise erring on the side of caution. The fact that he told you he loves you and talks about being sexual with you is suspect that scenario #1 is more probable, but you should still be careful because it could still mean other things.

My recommendation would be to keep doing what you’re doing. Keep fostering an intimate friendship with him and let the relationship evolve naturally, balancing communication with affection. Gather more information from him as you observe his reactions to the experiences you share. Try to avoid analyzing his behavior and instead have fun and just enjoy being with him. If, after a period of time, he continues to send mixed messages, ask yourself if you’d want to be involved with someone who’s stuck, as you yourself will also go along for the ride. If things remain status quo, you may also opt to take a risk and simply state your true feelings for him. By doing this, you run the risk of “freaking him out” if he’s not in a place where he can receive such honesty and could change the dynamics of your friendship, making it awkward or actually severing it. However, the risk might also bring about your desired outcome of a possible intimate relationship, spurred by your making the move that he may never have the courage to take. So go slow, be yourself, enjoy being together, keep putting “little feelers” out there to see if he bites, and then be direct with him if these don’t yield any results if you’re comfortable with the risk. I wish you the very best with this! I hope you get what you want!

© Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

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