“Boundaries For You & Your Guy”
by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
www.thegaylovecoach.com

Introduction
Have you ever skipped going to the health club one day because you just absolutely had no motivation to get all sweaty and tired? Or what about gorging on a half-gallon of ice cream to cope with your stress? Ever leave the mall wondering what the heck you were thinking maxing out your credit card? Do you work more hours at your job than need be? These are situations where a boundary violation of the self has occurred and we’ve all been there.

Boundaries are the limits we set around ourselves to keep safe, centered, and accountable. They are usually drawn from our values and they define who we are and what we will and won’t accept in our lives to keep our integrity and well-being intact. The more aligned our behavior is with our defined boundaries, the more balance and harmony we tend to experience in our lives. When we act outside the confines of our boundaries, our self-esteem can take a hit and we actually can create a whole host of other stressors that will disrupt us and leave us feeling badly and out-of-integrity. It is human nature to stumble outside our boundaries from time to time, but when it becomes a way of life, underlying issues may be at play that will require some attention and intervention to avoid ongoing conflicts in one’s life.

Not only do we have self-imposed boundaries, but boundaries also pertain to our relationships. A healthy relationship is comprised of two men with a solid sense of self and identity. Boundaries help protect the partners of a couple from abuse or outside influences of others. They help create a sense of security in the partnership, allowing safe communication of needs and feelings between the partners that helps to solidify a positive connection and intimacy. Boundaries help cement what is deemed appropriate and inappropriate conduct both within and outside the context of being a couple and help to define who you are and what you stand for as life partners.

Boundaries & Relationship Types
Here’s an illustration as to why boundaries are important to your relationship. Take out a piece of paper. At the top of the page, draw two circles on opposite sides of the page. This represents the type of relationship where the couple identifies themselves as a pair, however they have little connection with each other and live parallel lives with minimal contact, sharing, or interaction that would support an intimate commitment. This relationship exhibits boundaries that are too strong to allow closeness and which there’s too much separateness and division between the two men. Little will grow from this except more of a “roommate feeling” and dissension. This style has too much individual identity.

In the middle of the page, draw two circles with one on top of the other. This relationship type is called enmeshed, where the couple is practically one whole. You are your partner; you live and breathe your partner with very little independence and individuality. You are merged together so completely that you lose your sense of self because you’re so fused and any perceived threat that exists to your relationship is thought of as devastating. The problem with this relationship style is that partners can feel suffocated and overly-dependent on each other; controlling behaviors are not uncommon and you can feel restricted and trapped. This style has too much couple identity.

At the bottom of the page, draw two circles that are mildly intertwined at the sides. This is a healthy relationship where the partners are slightly merged. There is a healthy balance of separateness and togetherness. The couple is flexible, honoring their uniqueness as individuals and their shared connection as partners. Because of this balance, “fresh air” is constantly being breathed into the relationship, revitalizing it and making it exciting, unlike the staleness of the former relationship type where everything is about the other person. This style works because the boundaries aren’t too rigid or loose and they take into account that healthy relationships have both individual and couple identities. This is what you want to shoot for!

Boundary Violations In Gay Relationships
We’ve talked about self-oriented boundary violations like straying from your diet or cheating on a test. Violations in your relationship with your partner can be particularly damaging, however, as they can diminish your trust in each other and cause significant conflicts and emotional distance that can tear down the foundation of commitment you’ve built. Again, it’s human to stray from our boundaries at times, but when it becomes pervasive and isn’t talked about with your partner to try and remedy it, serious consequences can arise.

Here are some examples of common boundary violations in relationships to give you a better idea of what we’re talking about:

• You drink too much at the bar with your friends and flirt with all the men near you while your partner is away on business
• Your partner pressures you to experiment with sexual practices you’re not comfortable with
• You don’t stick up for your partner when your family badmouths him
• Your partner makes other things, like work or his hobbies, more of a priority than spending quality time with you
• You don’t voice your opinions about the way you would like things to function in your relationship and then harbor feelings of resentment toward your partner when he makes all the decisions
• Your partner strays from your monogamous relationship by cheating with someone he met on the Internet
• Negativity, jealousy, passive-aggressiveness, lying, withdrawal, blaming…these are also “red flags”

And the list goes on and on! It is only a violation if either of you behave in a way that contradicts the relationship vision or mission that the two of you should have and should continue to be co-creating from the inception of your partnership. Communication of your expectations and values is critical from the very beginning of your relationship and should continue to be re-visited periodically to ensure you both are still “on the same page”. Your relationship and the players involved in it will grow and change, which is a normal part of your maturation, and you’ll need to be open to this and make revisions to your original “contract” as necessary.

Tips For Boundary-Setting Success

• As an individual, determine whether you struggle with maintaining healthy boundaries in your relationships and life in general. Difficulties with boundaries can come from many sources, including: being raised in a dysfunctional family where unhealthy boundaries were modeled, low self-esteem, lack of individual identity and codependency, poor assertiveness and social skills, being in an abusive or toxic relationship, being easily guilt-prone, having addictions of any kind, having power/control issues, getting a sense of validation for catering to a relationship partner, etc. Try to identify where your struggles with boundaries originate and keep track of what triggers your self-sabotaging behavior. Work aggressively at overcoming these personal hurdles to promote a more solid and confident sense of self.
• Take a class on assertiveness training or get some counseling to help you build skills in identifying your needs and feelings and how to directly express them without guilt or qualification.
• As a couple, plot out a relationship mission statement that specifies your values and expectations for behavioral conduct as individuals and as a couple. This becomes your “relationship contract” that will give you a structure by which to live your life with integrity and stability. Introduce spontaneity and novelty into your relationship from time to time so you don’t feel like you’re living according to a policies and procedures manual and to keep the spark alive.
• Make sure that you both define your particular boundaries around money, household management and domestics/division of labor, sex, monogamy vs. non-monogamy, parenting roles (if applicable), work, friends, family, health, spirituality, the way anger is dealt with, how you spend your time, etc. It may seem like a lot of material to cover, but the more that’s communicated will lessen the opportunity for surprise violations to occur in the future. It’s a great way to learn more about each other too and create further growth as a couple.
• Realize that you and your guy will not always see eye-to-eye on things. It will be important to recognize and appreciate your differences and have systems in place to manage disagreements (eg. fair-fight rules, taking Time-Outs when anger gets unproductive, following the problem-solving process for reaching win/win solutions, practicing forgiveness and compromise, etc.). Communication is key of course! Make sure you’re both well adept in the fine art of active listening to help pave the way toward resolution.
• Boundaries protect your relationship from outside forces as well. Should family or friends try to come between you, even if well-intentioned, always stand by your man and reinforce your commitment to each other. Don’t enable other peoples’ efforts to force their viewpoints and projections onto your relationship.

© 2007 Brian L. Rzepczynski

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“I Thought We Were Getting Along Great! What The Heck Happened?”

Dear Coach:

There’s a guy that I’ve known for about a year and I always found him attractive but never said anything to him because he was in a relationship. About a month ago he told me that his prior relationship was over and since then we’d begun hanging out on a regular basis, up to 3-4x a week. I was really feeling like I was getting to know him and liked what I saw. During this time we also started to share secrets and kissed about 6 times.

A few days ago he told me that he just got into a relationship with another guy. I am very confused because he didn’t even tell me he was seeing anyone else. The issue that I have is that I still like him; the fact that he didn’t tell me about the other dude should make me want to push away from him, but it doesn’t. What should I do? Should I come out and spill my heart to him or just say nothing? I really thought he liked me too. Why would he keep the other guy a secret and continue to kiss me if he had no feelings toward me?

Confused

Dear Confused:

Ugh! What a frustrating and perplexing thing to go through---I hear you! By the picture you painted, it seemed like the two of you were enjoying each other’s company and beginning to get closer. You were spending more and more time together and began to share intimate moments of closeness. And then bam—the rug gets pulled out from under you! I’m sorry for your disappointment about this loss. It would have been nice had your guy been honest with you from the outset about his intentions before he got involved with you.

Several things could have been going on here. Perhaps he is one of those guys who dates multiple people at the same time and didn’t feel that he owed you that truth since you’d only been dating for a month. Perhaps he is one of those infamous “player-types” who got off on being able to manipulate you and then cuts you out once he knows he’s gotten you interested. Maybe he’s having a hard time with his breakup from his prior partner and is acting-out his pain by pooling through a series of men in reckless abandon. Or it could be that he started to like you too and he became “freaked out” by this due to intimacy issues and other fears and had to move to another person who felt “safer” to him. The possibilities are endless and you’ll probably never know the real reason; try to avoid “crazymaking” by trying to pinpoint a specific reason because it won’t change the outcome and the real truth lies with the other guy. All you can go on is his behavior and make your choices from there.

It’s understandable that you would still have strong feelings of attraction for him despite the way he treated you. We can’t control this chemistry thing! Your next step is to try and find a way to gain some closure on this. The reality is that he has moved on to someone else and the probability that you’ll be able to convince him back is usually a low prognosis. One option you have is to communicate to him your true feelings and to let him know how his behavior has affected you and what you would have preferred. This option carries a lot of risk, however, in that it forces you into a position of vulnerability and you have to decide if you’re strong enough emotionally to withstand another rejection from him if he goes that route. At the same time, he may be receptive to what you have to say..who knows? There are no guarantees and you have to make a decision based on the risk levels and what you can live with.

You have to decide for yourself how big an indiscretion this was for you. He could have been more up front with you, however the two of you did not have a commitment and had only been seeing each other a month. Maybe he didn’t share the intensity of feelings that you did and therefore didn’t think it was necessary to share with you his extracurricular activities.

This experience has taught you the importance of communication and speaking early on in an involvement with someone about what their expectations, needs, and dating styles and preferences are all about to make sure they are in alignment with your own to avoid any potential conflicts and hurt feelings in the future. This appears to be an important value for you, if not something you may have just learned about yourself just now after this experience. That would be my recommendation for you for the future, as well as the importance of your grieving this loss if you decide to move on and heal the pain this caused for you.  Since we can’t change other people, try to examine what role you potentially may have played in this problem and to explore the reasons why you might want to get back together with someone who didn’t communicate his true intentions and made you feel deceived. What does this say about you? Try to discover the answer to that and begin to work on healing that wound (a self-esteem issue, fear of abandonment, loneliness, loss of control, etc.).

I wish you the best with this situation, my friend. Hang in there and realize that you deserve to be with someone who values communication, honesty, responsibility, and integrity. Don’t sacrifice your own values just for the sake of being with someone either, as that usually comes back to bite you later. Be well!

All my support,
The Gay Love Coach

© 2007 Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

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