“Dating Slumps & The HIV+ Gay Man”
by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
www.thegaylovecoach.com

Introduction
Ok, guys, let’s face it. Dating can be a frustrating process when you’re single and on the market for a long-term committed relationship. Trying to find a compatible guy for romance and companionship can make you feel like banging your head against the wall sometimes as you struggle to figure out where to meet these men in the first place, and then to go through the whole screening process…it can feel like a full-time job sometimes!

But what happens if you are HIV+ and looking for love? I get letters frequently from single men with HIV who voice difficulties with the gay dating scene trying to find people to date. Dating can be hard enough at times, but for those with health issues or disabilities, the problems can be compounded and the sense of hopelessness and uncertainty doubled as these men question whether love is even possible for them in a gay culture that seems fixated on shallow definitions of what makes a man attractive and “viable.”

I’m not going to sugar-coat things. The harsh reality is that having HIV can complicate the process of meeting people for dating and can make it more difficult. The availability pool for dating prospects will be reduced because there are a percentage of men who will not date HIV+ guys. That being said, having HIV does not preclude you to a permanent life of singlehood unless you choose that lifestyle consciously.

The fact of the matter is that you can realize and live the dream of having a life partner if that’s your vision. Vast numbers of HIV+ gay men are currently enjoying long-term relationships and you, too, can join these ranks if that is your desire. This article will offer some strategies and suggestions for improving your dating success to empower you to “go for it” and keep the motivation burning for your boyfriend quest.

First Things First--Getting Out of Your Own Way
The first step for any gay man who wants to find his Mr. Right is to ensure that he is ready for love in the first place, which entails making sure his life is on solid ground, that he has dealt with any past “baggage” that could interfere with his efforts, and ensuring he has the emotional muscles and skills needed to navigate through all sorts of relationships. The second step is to define his vision for what he is seeking in a partner, in a relationship, and for his life. This provides a guidepost whereby you can measure your progress toward your goals and dreams. This requires a great deal of self-awareness and knowledge about who you are and what you stand for as you go about creating a list of your negotiable and non-negotiable needs that you then use to help you screen potential dating partners for their suitability against your vision.

As an HIV+ man, part of your readiness work will involve developing an acceptance of your disease. As with any illness or health issue, one goes through a grieving process; the degree to which you accept and feel “OK” with your health status, the greater your self-esteem can be to where it doesn’t become a personal impediment in your dating efforts. Many HIV+ men have shared with me that they feel “defective” and believe there’s something inherently wrong with them because of their status and this can be a huge obstacle to self-acceptance; not only that, but you then unconsciously send out certain “vibes” outwardly that reflect this poor self-image, which could work against your efforts to attract a mate.

It’s important that you adequately grieve your health status and work through any feelings that come up for you around this. This takes time and can’t be rushed. Remember that you are not your HIV; HIV is just a part of you and you have many other parts of your life that need feeding as well; spread the emphasis so there’s more appropriate balance and well-being. Having a strong self-esteem is an important prerequisite to dating and the impact having HIV has on this for you needs to be worked through. Feeling good about yourself will make you feel attractive and confident, qualities that others will likely find appealing and magnetic.

Exercise: Write about some of the ways that you feel having HIV has been affecting your dating life. If you can’t get a date, is it really because of your status, or is it perhaps something else about yourself that you could work on? What are some of the ways that you might hold yourself back from proactively dating? Do you possibly have fears of intimacy? It’s not all that uncommon for those men with intimacy issues to use their HIV status as a way to ward off closeness with others as much as they may feel that’s not the case. Develop goals for combating any of your self-imposed barriers to dating or enlist the services of a trained therapist or coach for support and guidance.

Where To Meet Men
The obvious key to finding a partner is to put yourself in venues or situations where you will meet other single and available men; the more closely aligned the venue is to your vision, values, interests, and sense of purpose/meaning in life, the more compatible candidates you will likely meet. The important thing is to get out there and live your life, mix and mingle, and take proactive steps to meeting new people. Here are some ideas of venues where you could potentially meet other HIV-friendly men for dating and friendship:

Personal ads: Use this advertisement as a way to really sell yourself and capitalize on your assets. What do you bring to the table? What makes you a great catch? Focus on positives and be unique, creative, and captivating so you create an intrigue in your readers. Be specific about your non-negotiable needs to screen out mismatches. There are many POZ-friendly sites available on the Internet.

Volunteer for an AIDS organization or a gay community or health center. Join an AIDS walk or attend an AIDS charity benefit. Many community organizations sponsor events where you would meet other people who share like-minded values and missions.
Attend an HIV/AIDS support group or create your own in your community if none exists. You could also form your own online forum as a safe meeting-place to discuss relevant issues, form friendships, and even meet and organize special events.

Attend a gay-affirmative church, let your friends set you up, go to a Pride event, etc. You know the drill.

Dating Navigational Tips For The HIV+ Gay Man
Never give up hope. Having HIV is not synonymous with always being dateless. While it is true that some men may refrain from going out with you because of your status, there are also a host of other men who don’t view that as being an issue. It’s the same thing about someone who is short, or is overweight, or has green eyes…it doesn’t matter. Love is available to everyone. Be proactive in your search and take the initiative.

As part of defining your vision, you will have to decide your own dating preference in terms of whether you feel comfortable just dating HIV- men, HIV+ men, or if you’re indifferent to that. You will have a responsibility to any partner to disclose your status before becoming sexual. It’s best to reveal this earlier than later in your getting-to-know-you stage, but you will want to pace this at the level of intimacy you’re comfortable with.

Rejection comes with the territory when you’re dating; learn how to become resilient in the face of this and avoid placing any expectations on the outcomes of your dating ventures. Remember this important point: if a man rejects you because of your HIV status, he did you a favor! You don’t want to be with him anyway. He helped you narrow down your screening for compatibility and you now have the energy to channel yourself toward more viable prospects. Your status was rejected, not you as a person because he didn’t know you. An HIV+ status did not align with his needs list for a partner. Your needs and values didn’t match; it’s nobody’s fault.

Build your social skills so you feel more confident in dating situations; strengthen your assertiveness; build a support system as a resource for companionship and support, find constructive ways to manage loneliness, practice good self-care of your mind, body, and soul, etc.

Finding a boyfriend is not the pathway to solving all of your problems. Remember to attend to all the different parts of your life and enjoy life to the max, thereby taking the emphasis off of dating; snagging a guy along the way would then become an added bonus.

Combat negative self-talk that might set you up for failure. If you think that nobody will want to date you because of your status, you could create the very situation you don’t want to have happen. The Law of Attraction states that we commonly get back what we put out there to others. Like attracts like. Avoid creating any of these self-fulfilling prophecies and adopt a more positive and optimistic mindset.
During those difficult times when it seems like you’ve tried everything and nothing seems to work, preserver. Try to take stock of what you’re thankful and grateful for in life and create a list of appreciations and affirmations that will help keep you centered and moving forward. Dating and securing a true goodness-of-fit with someone takes time and great care.

Conclusion
You can create the life you want, no matter what your status. The secret to success is to avoid succumbing to defeatist attitudes and to examine ways that you yourself may be contributing to your own struggles since we can’t change other people or make them be our boyfriends. You only have power over your own life; capitalize on your strengths and work on removing barriers to your dating pursuits and eliminating self-imposed blocks. There is someone out there for you! But you have to be the best guy that you can be first and then go out there and find a man who accurately resonates with your vision. All the best with your journey!

© 2007 Brian L. Rzepczynski

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Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.

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“Should I Accept His Proposal?”

Dear Coach:

I am quite confused. My partner and I have been together for more than a decade and we are actually best friends from childhood. We are both disabled. It is my fault that I bring to this relationship victimization from domestic violence, rape, and sexual and physical abuse from childhood. Still my lover overlooks all this and then some. We both also have anger issues and I have post-traumatic stress disorder.  We are both in counseling separately so I can deal with these issues and he’s working on his issues of lying and yelling. He has recently started hinting a proposal of marriage lately and I’m 50/50 about it because of everything that’s gone on. What should I do?

On The Fence

Dear On The Fence:

Thanks for writing and what a romantic story to hear that childhood friends-turned lovers are still together after all these years! Although it doesn’t sound like it’s been a fairy tale ride by any stretch of the mind, eh? You seem to have gone through a lot of trials, tribulations, and traumas along the way and I applaud you for survivorship and resilience through these tough times. It’s important to reframe your challenges away from your claims that it’s “your fault” for bringing these baggages into the relationship with your partner; issues such as rape, molestation, and abuse are not your fault and it’s vitally important that you learn to forgive yourself as part of your healing process if you’ve not done that already. I’m glad to hear that both you and your partner are pursuing counseling to continue to take responsibility for your issues, heal from your traumas, and further promote your personal growth as individuals and as a couple! Cheers to you!

It sounds like you’re a bit concerned about your perception of your partner’s desire to hike up your commitment to each other in the form of a marriage. With everything that you’ve gone through individually and as a couple, and with his tendencies toward anger and lying, it’s understandable that you would be cautious about your future planning.

I would encourage you to explore a little further about what your hesitancy and resistance means. What are your fears about deepening your commitment? It’ll be important to differentiate between those perceived threats that are realistic versus those that are imagined or projections from past experiences of getting hurt. Particularly with your trauma history, security and safety are probably huge needs that you have in your life and it will be important that you and your lover create a foundation for that in your relationship so you will feel more solid in your decision-making.

In helping to articulate your thoughts and feelings, you could do the typical cost/benefit analysis in a journal, making lists highlighting the pros and cons of getting married versus the pros and cons of remaining partnered without the wedding bells. You could also take two chairs and separate the two parts of yourself that are in conflict, allowing each to have its own voice in its respective chair and the two parts can have a debate until a resolution occurs (the devil and the angel on each shoulder routine).

I believe it’s important for you to sit down with your partner and share both your excitements about your relationship, as well as your concerns and reservations you have about stepping up your commitment. To keep these feelings hidden will only serve to put you through a slow, internal torture and could create a barrier between the two of you. Through this sharing session, you and he will have the ability to validate and support each other and then problem-solve ways to improve upon the trouble-spots and correct any distortions in thought that may exist. Together, you can co-create a vision for your relationship, outlining your hopes, dreams, goals, needs, and values. This will also help the two of you identify any discrepancies that may exist in your needs and wants and to explore together ways to bring about more alignment; this may require some compromise and sacrifice at times, which is very normal and to be expected. This action plan that you both then have collaborated will become a template for the two of you to measure your progress and troubleshoot any obstacles along the way.  Working with a couples’ counselor or coach might be an added resource to assist you with this if you’re not sure how to do this independently.

Only you can do what’s right for you! It’s important to take the emphasis off all the externals in your life and focus on what you need and want. Who are you and what do you want from your life and a relationship? Working on such issues as strengthening your self-esteem, managing conflictual emotions, defining your values, building assertive behavior, and creating an environment with boundaries that will support a feeling of safety and security will likely help you with your decision-making now and in the future as well. Keep the channel of communication open with your partner as well.

From what you’ve mentioned in your letter, several signs of good prognosis stand out. The fact that your partner has stood by you and supported you through all the crises screams volumes about his faith and loyalty in you. The fact that he is seeing a therapist to work on his issues, along with you, is also a very positive sign in that it demonstrates a willingness to grow and change and he’s begun to take responsibility for that. What you have to figure out is if he fits your vision for your ideal life partner, and if he does, is this the right time and pace for you to seal your commitment with marriage? If it’s not, perhaps you may need more time to witness the changes in each other’s personal and relational issues before you’ll feel secure enough to completely go for it, and that’s ok too. Let him be an active participant in this soul-searching as well after you’ve been able to clarify things for yourself first.

I wish you much success with this! All my best to you!

The Gay Love Coach

© 2007 Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

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