“Long-Distance Lovers Lament No More”
by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
www.thegaylovecoach.com

Introduction
Nothing pains the heart more than being separated from your honey. You worked really hard to find Mr. Right and build a fulfilling life with him over the years. You’ve encountered and conquered so many challenges together and relish in the romance and richness of being a committed couple. You view the rewards of your partnership as great and can’t wait to share more experiences that will further enrich your relationship. That’s the vision that most happy couples report!

But what if you and your partner don’t live together and are physically separated, perhaps living on opposite sides of the globe? Maybe a job or a family crisis has forced you apart. Perhaps it’s just a temporary departure from each other; for some, the situation is permanent and must be adapted to. Whatever the circumstance, maintaining a long-distance relationship can be very difficult and taxing for couples. But while this scenario can be challenging and put a relationship to the test, it can be done and there are scores of people that are in this predicament and make it work successfully. This article will shed some light and offer some tips for coping with the “long-distance relationship blues” so that you can continue to nourish and strengthen the bond with your man and promote its longevity and satisfaction. Nothing compares to having your partner by your side but there are ways to overcome the obstacle of distance and still keep your relationship alive and well!

Missing You!
Anybody who is or ever has been in a situation where you and your partner are separated by the masses understands the immediate impact of the division. To have invested your heart into someone and then not be able to see him on a daily basis or wake up next to him every morning royally sucks! Not only that, it hurts to the core because it’s a loss; similar to a death, but much more difficult because he’s within reach yet not accessible. When speaking of their long-distant relationships, most men have a heap of negatives and very little positive feedback to offer on managing this adjustment. The drawbacks are significant.

Many men lament about the loss of companionship when separated from their partners, coupled with the nagging absence of physical affection and sex.  Most express difficulty coping with loneliness and boredom, and some report developing insecurities and fears about their partner’s seeking solace with other men; others worry of the potential for their relationship to crumble because of the distance itself posing a barrier to solidifying emotional intimacy, usually afforded more easily by face-to-face contact and daily living experience.

It’s not uncommon to go through a grieving process repeatedly upon reunions with your boyfriend. This happens because you can begin thinking about and anticipating the impending separation when you or he have to leave once again and you can go through the typical grief feelings of shock/denial, anger, bargaining, and depression before reaching acceptance once again. The recurrent emotional roller-coaster ride can really bring a guy down—if you let it!

10 Ingredients For Successful Relating
Long-distance relationships require the same interpersonal skills as any romantic affiliation. However, these skills need to be even more fine-tuned and ever-present to keep the relationship on track. Lacking face-to-face contact, the inability to read nonverbal cues and body language makes communication more challenging, for example, and will necessitate more sophisticated verbal dialogue to keep the connection strong. The following are some key components of relationship functioning that long-distance lovers will need to ensure is strong to keep centered and grounded:

• Communication and sharing of feelings
• Compromise and flexibility
• Trust and honesty
• Finding ways to keep the chemistry burning
• Maintaining an active and healthy lifestyle filled with meaningful activities
• Mutual respect and an active participation in developing and living a relationship vision and goals collaborated together as a team; consistent execution of “caring behaviors” to demonstrate commitment to the relationship
• Ability to manage feelings of insecurity, jealousy, and paranoia and to put them into perspective; emotional wellness and grief resolution resilience
• Achieving a balance between independence and need gratification through the relationship
• Making explicit to one another any emotional and practical needs, as well as expectations for behavioral conduct when together and apart (eg. monogamy vs. open relationship, spending of money, etc.)
• Making time for each other and being as available and accessible to one another as much as possible

Personal ads: Use this advertisement as a way to really sell yourself and capitalize on your assets. What do you bring to the table? What makes you a great catch? Focus on positives and be unique, creative, and captivating so you create an intrigue in your readers. Be specific about your non-negotiable needs to screen out mismatches. There are many POZ-friendly sites available on the Internet.

Volunteer for an AIDS organization or a gay community or health center. Join an AIDS walk or attend an AIDS charity benefit. Many community organizations sponsor events where you would meet other people who share like-minded values and missions.
Attend an HIV/AIDS support group or create your own in your community if none exists. You could also form your own online forum as a safe meeting-place to discuss relevant issues, form friendships, and even meet and organize special events.

Attend a gay-affirmative church, let your friends set you up, go to a Pride event, etc. You know the drill.

Tips For Bridging The Gap and Coping With Separation Pangs
Let’s face it—nothing compares to having your partner by your side. The following coping tips for making the most of your long-distance situation are by no means end-all/cure-all quick-fix remedies. At best, they are like Band-Aids to ease the pain because no amount of “how-to’s” could ever replace the gift of your partner being in close proximity to you. But these suggestions might make your difficult arrangement more tolerable and could spark your own more creative ideas for boosting your spirit and relationship.

Conclusion
Living apart from your significant other can be quite a downer, but the important thing to remember is to avoid placing too much emphasis on the separation and instead channel that energy toward rejuvenating and feeding your relationship to the best extent you can, limitations and all! Nothing sucks the joy out of a relationship faster than having a negative mindset and swimming in pain and grief. Get creative and initiate romantic gestures, consistently demonstrate your commitment and dedication to your partner despite the added challenges, and build your support system with positive people who will validate what you’re going through rather than feed you doom-and-gloom. Long-distance relationships can work as well as any relationship, they just require extra doses of attention and tender-loving-care to avoid taking each other for granted and to keep the connection and intimacy strong. So hang in there, take control of your life and make the most of a difficult situation, and before you know it you’ll be in your baby’s arms again.

© 2007 Brian L. Rzepczynski

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Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.

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“Dating Someone Who Is Closeted”

Dear Coach:

I’m wondering how to deal with dating someone who still lives at home with his parents and is not “out.” He is in his 40’s, identifies himself as bisexual, and we have a “sex bud” arrangement going. I really like him a lot and wish we could become more serious and possibly have a relationship…but he’s in the closet about his sexuality. He won’t tell his parents or close friends about our relationship. Should I try to talk to him about how I really feel about him or do I first have him decide if he wants to come out to his friends and family, and should I help him along?

Dating A Bisexual

Dear Dating A Bisexual:

Thanks for writing! I’m sorry to hear about the quandary you’re in with your love interest and you are definitely in a very challenging position. Dating someone who is “in the closet” can be extremely difficult if you yourself are “out”. Typically closeted individuals fare better in relationships with other men who are closeted because they both tend to be in the same place developmentally and both are more “on the same page” in respect to the boundaries of the relationship and the depth of the intimacy that will be built and how it will be expressed both internally as a couple and publicly. If you yourself are “out” in some capacity, your involvement with this gentleman is more likely to cause you and your boyfriend some friction in your relationship because of the discrepant needs that you each have, not to mention your own frustration at realizing that being with him actually forces you back “into the closet” to an extent because of the constraints that he puts on your ability to be expressive about this important aspect of your life. So please just be mindful that there are extra challenges involved in this type of dating arrangement; and while some of these relationships do work, you will have to be willing to sacrifice parts of your identity and will have to lead a less uninhibited life that you might ordinarily enjoy as a result of the parameters this kind of closeted relationship would require. It might also be important for you to explore the origins behind your particular partner choice—he is someone who is not truly emotionally available for a relationship because of his identity conflicts. What does this mean and say about you in terms of possible underlying dynamics you might want to address on your own. Are there possible intimacy issues that you may have that hold you back from engaging with someone who would be available or at your particular level of development? Just something to think about! You will also have to determine if this relationship with your love interest holds you back more from accomplishing your life goals and dreams or if it provides you with the right amount of enrichment you’re looking for.

Your friend’s closeted lifestyle choice is purely his responsibility, not yours. While he may actually be bisexual, there’s also the possibility that he has a true homosexual orientation that he just feels more comfortable labeling himself as bisexual at this stage of his coming-to-terms-with-his-sexual-identity. His decision to not face his issues directly or “come out” to his family at this time is his choice alone and under no circumstances should you take this task on yourself. Everyone has the right to choose whether they will “come out”, when, and to whom. You’ll have to follow his lead. The fact that you want him to speak to his family is a sign already that you yourself are already feeling the negative consequences of dating someone closeted and you have to be careful that you don’t push him according to your own agenda. Your choice to be with him means that you have to accept him for who and where he is emotionally.

My recommendation to you would be to have a conversation with him about your feelings. Communicate to him how you feel and how much he means to you and help him see the vision of where you’d like your relationship to go. Have him respond to this disclosure to see if he’s receptive to this plan or if he wants to just keep things status quo and remain purely sex buds. You’ll get a wealth of information about where his head is at just by the way he responds to your disclosure. If he wants to keep things the way they are, you will need to decide for yourself if you will be ok with that. Will you be able to maintain an ongoing sexual relationship with him and temper your feelings of attraction for “more than just friends” with him? If you can separate sex from emotion, this scenario could work and you’ll have to keep strict boundaries with yourself. If you do not believe you’d be able to do that, perhaps continuing the relationship would be too painful for you and you might either need to downshift to a “just friends with no sex” relationship or terminate contact altogether. Also, if he wishes to keep things as is and you decide to continue your sexual relationship, you will need to respect his decision to remain closeted and offer him solicited support along the way.

If he is open to pursuing a deeper connection with you, I would suggest talking about what you each feel are the strengths and weaknesses that exist in your relationship thus far. You can then segue into a conversation about how the differences in your “coming out” stages pose certain problems and discuss the benefits of being “out”, etc. You’ll have to work together as a team at that point, but everything about coming out will need to be on his initiative and at his own pace.

So there you have it, my friend. A lot to think about! And one other caution…it’s common when sharing one’s feelings about the desire for a deeper relationship with someone who is closeted for that individual to experience a “freak-out” moment; the idea of a step-up of intimacy and all the risks involved can frighten him and sometimes such men have been known to break-up even the sex-bud relationship because of overwhelm. If you choose to talk to him about your feelings, just be aware that this type of scenario also exists and just be very careful with your approach. But again, it will also tell you a lot about who he is and what his true long-term vision is where you are concerned.

I wish you the best with this! Oh, and one more thing-- most importantly, make sure you spend some time getting to know your own needs and values. What do you want out of life and what are your negotiable and non-negotiable needs for a partner and relationship? Let these personal guiding principles aid you in your decision-making about who would be a compatible guy for you to date and mate with, whether it be your current love interest or someone else. Just be true to yourself and be happy!

The Gay Love Coach

© 2007 Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

• “Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life In Today’s World” (2006): new self-help book by David Steele, founder of The Relationship Coaching Institute, offering an innovative dating model for helping singles achieve success in dating and finding their future life partners. $17.95 plus shipping & handling. Click here for more information.

• “A Guide to Getting It: Purpose & Passion” (2005): new self-help book co-authored by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach, offering tips and tools for discovering your life purpose and bringing more passion into your life. $14.95 plus shipping & handling. Click here for more information.

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