“Stinking Thinking of the Gay Single (And How To Overcome It)”
by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
www.thegaylovecoach.com

“Guys suck! I’m never going to find a decent one who wants more than a one-night stand!”
“All the good ones are taken!”
“I’m not attractive enough to land myself a boyfriend”
“Gay men and relationships just don’t mix. Why even bother?!”

Do you ever think such thoughts? If you’re single and on the market for a boyfriend, it certainly can be easy to get jaded and develop these and many more pessimistic thoughts about the gay dating scene. Especially when it seems like you’ve done just about everything to promote your “dateability” and consider yourself a “good catch”, yet still fall short of accomplishing your goal or vision, negativity can seem to just flow out automatically as you vent out your frustrations and try to make sense of the injustice of it all. But while it may seem natural at times to move toward this way of thinking in your upset, one must be very careful trudging in this territory because it can be detrimental to your well-being.

Negative thoughts, or “stinking thinking” as Grandma used to call it, are a leading culprit in such conditions as depression, anxiety, anger, and low self-esteem. Cognitive-behavioral theory posits that what you think affects how you feel which affects how you act, and then they all interrelate with each other creating vicious cycles that build upon the other. This article will help you identify your own negative thinking traps and teach you some strategies for combating them so you can construct a more optimistic, positive mental landscape that can surely help boost your quality-of-life.

So if what you think helps determine how you feel and act, those pesky negative statements that opened this article will surely lead you down the path of the “blahs.”
Self-talk is that little chatter we all have going on in our heads that comprise our thoughts (you’re not crazy! We all have it!) Thoughts stem from our beliefs, which are our deep-down in the gut views and values about ourselves and the world around us that we adopt from past experiences and socialization. One has to be careful with negative thinking because it can create self-fulfilling prophecies—that which you think causes it to come true. And don’t forget about the Law of Attraction—you attract into your life what you put out there; you get what you think about. The more you hang onto negative thoughts and ideals, the more likely that will be mirrored back to you and leads to more unhappiness, hostility, and pessimism. That equals decreased dating spirit!

Cognitive therapy names a variety of different cognitive distortions, or thought traps, that can maintain one’s negative frame-of-mind and keep him stuck until he intervenes into his thought cycles. Listed below are a few of the more common distortions. See if you can identify yourself in any of these patterns. Half the battle is self-awareness.

• Black-and-White: the tendency to see things in an all-or-nothing fashion. “I’m either a success or a failure.”
• Mindreading: making assumptions about what others are thinking without evidence to back it up. “He’s going to say no if I ask him out for a drink.”
• Minimizing: downplaying situations or achievements.” He said he had a good time with me, but he was just saying that.”
• Overgeneralizing: making sweeping judgments about something across the board; using words like “always”, “never”, “everybody.” I’m never going to find a guy who will want to settle down with me.”
• Errors In Blaming: unfairly blaming yourself or others when things don’t go right. “I can’t find anyone to date because all these guys are so messed up!”
• Emotional Reasoning: concluding that if you feel a certain way about yourself then it’s true. “I feel rejected, so everybody must be rejecting me.”
• Downputting: cutting yourself down with disparaging comments. “He doesn’t want to go out with me again. I must be ugly.”
• Catastrophizing: magnifying and blowing things out of proportion (the drama queen syndrome). “I just know I’m going to make a complete fool of myself on this first date!”
• Shoulds:  rigidly criticizing and judging yourself and others. “Guys should be more receptive to my advances.”
• Comparing: judging yourself to others according to set standards or assumptions. “I’m not as good looking as most of these guys in this bar. I don’t stand a chance of meeting anyone here.”

Yuck! Just saying those thoughts out loud gives a feeling of sinking defeat and they become more entrenched the more frequently they’re used. Your job is to identify your particular distortions and “catch them in the act” before they grab a hold of you. Anytime you’re having a negative emotion of any kind, at least one of these is at play. Knowledge of which thought trap is rearing it’s ugly head can better help you pick a strategy for defeating it.

In a teleclass given by Lynne Michelson, Director of Singles for Relationship Coaching Insitute, she stated, “Beliefs are like the soil. If the soil isn’t rich, nothing will grow and it will be a struggle.” We have to be in charge of our own growth and it’s important not to succumb to the power of negative thinking. She identifies five types of limiting beliefs common to singles:

• Self-responsibility: “I’m a victim. I can’t control what happens to me.”
• Self-esteem: “I don’t deserve love. I’m unlovable.”
• Trust in the universe: “I’m alone because there’s a benevolent force out there against me. There’s not enough decent men available in the dating pool.”
• Positive attitude: how you position your thoughts; pessimism vs. optimism.
• Flowing with change: wanting to stay fixed and safe with the familiar due to a fear of stretching out of your comfort zone.

Which areas do you tend to struggle with, if any? If you see yourself in any of these categorizes, then this is where you will want to focus your efforts on challenging those thoughts, feelings, and behaviors you associate with those themes. Remember that you are not your beliefs—you set yourself up for certain feelings and behaviors and you have the power to be able to change them towards the positive as well.

It’s not always easy to challenge “stinking thinking” and it’s definitely not a quick-fix. You may have been thinking this way for so long that it’s an engrained part of your response system to situations. It will take time and diligent effort to practice challenging these thoughts, but in time it will get easier as you replace them with healthier cognitions that support your self-esteem and growth. Here are some suggestions to get you started on combating the negative inner-critic:

• In a journal, ask yourself the following questions: Are my current thoughts about myself, dating, men, etc. helping or hurting me? When did you begin to think this way? Is it reality or a distortion? Where did the beliefs come from? Are they yours or someone else’s that you’ve adopted? What’s getting in your way? Are your current beliefs aligned with what you want out of life? What new beliefs will contribute to your growth?
• Take out a notebook and start keeping a thought log. Write columns at the top of the paper with such headings as situation, thoughts about the situation, feelings, behaviors (what you did). Look for patterns and write down the cognitive distortions that you find in your thoughts. Then start a new column called counter-statements and practice challenging your self-talk with more enhancing, affirming cognitions. The more times you do this, the more quickly you begin to internalize this new reframed thinking.
• Try thought stoppage techniques. Put a rubber band around your wrist and give yourself a good old-fashioned snap every time you find yourself engaged in negative thinking. The sensation of pain will snap you out of your trance-state that happens with negative thinking and you can then redirect yourself into more productive internal dialogue. Sounds weird, but it works!
• Create affirmation cards in which you write down motivational/inspirational statements or coaching thoughts on index cards or post-it notes and practice reciting them daily. Keep them handy, like in your wallet, for those unforeseen moments of negativity and refer to them as needed; they can be very helpful in keeping you centered and giving you a boost of positivity when you need an uplifting during trying times.
• Challenge your beliefs by taking stock of times in your life where you can prove your current thoughts wrong. Or be a risk-taker and take the initiative by creating situations that will disprove your negative thoughts. Prove them wrong! Thinking “happy thoughts” does help, but it’s a long rewiring process. We tend to believe things more rapidly when we see it with our own eyes, through our own volition. Refuse to be held victim and seek out solutions to act upon.

These are just a handful of potential strategies for defeating negative thinking. Seek out additional assistance with a therapist or a coach who can help you with your specific cognitive schemas. Arming yourself with a positive attitude is essential in navigating through the dating world and will help keep you centered on living in accordance with your vision and not allowing disappointments to contaminate your spirit and well-being, using them instead as valuable lessons to further refine your dating plan and motivate you further toward realizing and accomplishing your dreams. As Michelson says, “Whether you believe you can or can’t—you’re right!”

References:
Lynne Michelson & Relationship Coaching Institute  http://www.relationshipcoachinginstitute.com/faculty/lynnemichelson.htm

For more information on Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, visit
http://www.nacbt.org/whatiscbt.htm

©2008 Brian L. Rzepczynski

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Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.

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“My Partner Has Changed Since He’s Gone Away to College”

Dear Coach:
My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for two years now and are very much in love. Unfortunately, we don’t get to see each other much because he goes away to school at a college in a different state; he comes home during the holidays and summers. This year has felt a lot different to me in that he has stopped putting forth effort to try and talk to me every day like we’ve always done before. He says he’s always “busy”, and when we do talk, we only get five minutes before he has to go because of some interruption. He’s also doing other things while we talk on the phone, like playing with his myspace account on the computer, and he doesn’t pay attention to anything I’m saying. I’m getting worried because he never seems to have time for me anymore, but always drops everything for all his friends at his dorm when we’re on the phone together. I’m beginning to wonder if he’s cheating on me and he hasn’t been very sexual with me lately. It just kills me because I don’t feel like I’m in the same relationship anymore! I don’t know what to do. How do I get the point across to him that I need him to do his part in our relationship without getting him mad and what can we do to spice things up? We have cameras..would that help?

Lovelorn

Dear Lovelorn:

I’m sorry to hear about the challenges you’re facing in your relationship. This must be very difficult for you considering the investment you’ve made with your partner. From the way you describe it, it sounds like you’ve sensed a change in the way you and your partner function and the dynamics seem different, causing you to feel worried about the growing sense of distance between the two of you.

For starters, it’s important for me to normalize for you that all relationships go through periods where the general flow or rhythm changes; it’s par for the course in the maturation of any relationship. Not to mention the two of you have had a lot of transitions in the 2 years you’ve been together with graduating from high school and being separated because of different colleges attended. That’s very stressful! Try to look at what’s happening as a signal to you that you and your partner have encountered a “growth-hurdle” that needs to be attended to.

 It’s important for you to channel your concern and worry into a productive outlet so as not to sabotage what you and your partner have built. Perhaps by reframing what you’re going through as a “growth hurdle”, you can approach the issues you’re facing with more conscious intent and non-reactivity. That is key! Try to avoid letting your emotions get the best of you. Confronting him with unfounded assumptions and suspicions that he may be cheating on you is letting your insecurities drive your behavior, and without hardcore proof that that’s what he’s doing, you’ll only serve to further alienate him and create bigger rifts in trust between the two of you. So give yourself permission to feel concerned by the changes in your relationship, but be sure to manage your concern in such a way that it will reinforce the potential for positive outcomes rather than acting it out, which will inevitably create a host of other problems. Try to find healthy ways to soothe yourself when feeling anxious to avoid projecting your fears onto your partner.

Once you’ve been able to soothe yourself and your emotions are in check, it will be very important for you to talk with your partner about how you’re feeling. It will more than likely have to be your initiative, but you’re the kind of guy who likes to take charge of his life, right? J Your approach will obviously be very important and it will be best if you can have your talk in person rather than on the phone. “Babe, I just wanted to do a “check-in” with you and see how you think things are going in our relationship. Since we’ve gone away to different colleges and have been separated a great deal of the time, I’ve felt a change in our relationship and just wanted to see what your thoughts were on this subject. Here are some of the things I’m concerned about from my vantage point…”
Something along those lines could be helpful. It’s critical to avoid accusing, blaming, finger-pointing, assuming, or judging. You want to create a non-threatening climate to be able to dialogue about what’s been happening.

You also might want to use the “I” statements technique when communicating with him. (I feel____ when you_____ because____, so instead I’d prefer_____). For example, “Babe, I feel unimportant when you do other things when we’re talking on the phone or cut our conversations short to hang out with your friends because our time together is so limited as it is with our distance and I miss you. Our relationship is very important to me and I love you. So instead I’d prefer to receive your undivided attention when we have our phone calls and that we try to come up with ways to balance our lives with everything we have going on to make our relationship a priority.”  Something like that might work. Again, it’s got to be your language and there’s still no guarantee that he won’t react defensively or even meet the needs that you’ve requested be met. But at least you’re asserting yourself and fighting for your relationship; his response to your efforts will be telling and give you a lot of information about where his head and investment is.

Long-distance relationships are really hard and couples in this situation have to put even more effort and creativity into sustaining their bond and keeping the spark alive. The two of you should definitely brainstorm ways to bring more sexiness into your relationship (you’ve got cameras…why not?! The possibilities are endless!). Write out graphic sexual fantasies that you each may have and share them with each other, acting them out in person or some other medium of your choosing.

©2008 Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

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• “A Guide to Getting It: Purpose & Passion” (2005): new self-help book co-authored by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach, offering tips and tools for discovering your life purpose and bringing more passion into your life. $14.95 plus shipping & handling. Click here for more information.

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