“Am I Mr. Right?”
by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
www.thegaylovecoach.com

Introduction

So you’re single and looking for Mr. Right. Perhaps you enjoy the freedom of this time of your life and date recreationally, keeping your options open until “the right guy” comes along. Or maybe you’re the type who feels like dating is his sealed fate, forever going out on dates with guy after guy, only to walk away from each experience disappointed and questioning whether you’ll ever find a compatible life partner. Whatever your situation, it’s important to remember that finding Mr. Right is only part of the equation to landing a successful relationship. The other part, which is actually more important, is to become Mr. Right yourself.

The Law of Attraction states that like attracts like. What you put out there in your life will be mirrored back to you. This theory purports that, for example, if you exude confidence and positivity, this will draw like-minded people toward you like a magnet. Conversely, if you portray a demeanor of depression and pessimism, you will likely attract those with similar qualities…if even! So whether you’re happily single and just “going with the flow” or are frustrated by your lack of return on your dating efforts, the most important thing you can do for yourself at this phase of your development as a single person is to invest in yourself and become Mr. Right. You want to be at your best so that when your Mr. Right actually does enter your life, you’ll be ready and available for him and won’t potentially miss out on a golden opportunity. 

Evolution of A Great Guy

Self-actualization, or striving to reach one’s full potential, is at the core of this evolution toward becoming Mr. Right and is a lifelong process for all of us as we grow, change, and learn valuable lessons through the challenges we face in our everyday lives. By taking the emphasis off of preoccupations with why it’s so difficult to find a decent man and ruminating about if you’re going to be single forever, you can channel these feelings and unproductive thoughts toward something meaningful that will actually impact your life in a positive way. This is not to minimize the value and importance of having a special man in your life for companionship and intimacy—it is a basic human need to achieve a sense of belonging and connection. But until that time comes, putting all the focus on something external to you that you may not have much control over only leads you toward feelings of helplessness and powerlessness that will sabotage your ultimate goals. You can’t will Mr. Right into your life. You only have control and responsibility over yourself and your choices and actions. Take advantage of this valuable phase of your life as a single gay man to get your life in order so you won’t have any distractions to keep you from snagging that special stud. Nothing would be more brutal than missing out on him because you weren’t emotionally available or even aware that he was right in front of your face.

Are you dateable? Would you date you? Who do you see staring back at you when you look at your reflection in the mirror? Are you proud of the man that you’ve become? If you hesitated on any of these questions, what does that say about you at this juncture of your life? If you don’t feel good about who you are and what you have to offer, you can’t expect others to see this as an asset either. For all you know, you may be unconsciously giving off vibes that reflect how negatively you feel about yourself or unfulfilled you are with your accomplishments and could actually be thwarting your dating efforts by causing men who might ordinarily be interested to distance. Do the work now to bring about more balance and wholeness to your life and identity before the right guy comes along so you’ll be even more appealing and ensure that you don’t lose out on him by not being ready or available.

Life Assessment

It’s time to take a thorough inventory of your life and determine your strengths and weaknesses that both help and hinder your cause. You will want to capitalize on your personal assets and view your weak areas as “growth spots” to develop goals for self-improvement. And then do what you need to do to overcome any barriers or obstacles that interfere with your having a great quality-of-life. Conduct an overview of all the different parts of your life and assess how you feel you’re doing in each of the following areas:

• Physical health and appearance
• Emotional well-being
• Spirituality
• Relationships with family
• Friendships and support system
• Household environment and living arrangements
• Education
• Work/Career
• Sex Life
• Comfort with being gay and level of “outness”
• Comfort with masculinity and gender identity
• Financial situation
• Self-esteem
• Access to resources
• Social and dating skills

You will also want to identify such additional things as “unfinished business” from the past, mental health issues, losses that have yet to be fully grieved, addictions of any kind (alcohol/drugs, gambling, sex, food, Internet, exercise, work, etc.), and any stressors in your life. These things can distract and prevent you from fully becoming engaged in your life and achieving true personal growth. A personality tinged with a “bad attitude”, a hardened demeanor, and a dampened spirit can also sour one’s success with life and love.

Another technique you can do to bring out more self-awareness of your strengths and “growth areas” is to make a list of all the qualities you are looking for in a life partner. Once you’ve completed this, go back over the list and compare the items you’ve identified against yourself. Are you the things on this list? If not, you’ve just identified some more goals to work toward in becoming Mr. Right.

Tips For Being All You Can Be

Once you created a list of the areas that you’d like to focus on, create specific, concrete, and measurable goals that you can then put into an action plan. This will give you a good structure to work from, as well as a good accountability measure.

Identify any blocks to success. For example, if you don’t possess some of the qualities that you ascribe to your ideal Mr. Right, why is that? What holds you back? Hire the services of a trained therapist or life coach who can help you more quickly overcome these hurdles.

Get out of your own way! Fear and negative self-talk are usually the two big culprits that stand in the way of our dreams and goals. Build the courage and resilience necessary to take safe and calculated risks that will steer you on the path toward your goals. Challenge the negative “whispers” of your inner critic and replace them with more affirming self-statements that are in alignment with your vision.

A man with a strong sense of self, positive self-esteem, good social graces and manners, healthy assertiveness, and a solid value system, not to mention who has  integrity, honesty, and who is passionate about life and lives it with meaning is very sexy indeed!

Conclusion

By taking the focus off your perceived lack of success in the dating world and putting it more squarely on building your own personal reserves, you will become more fulfilled in your life and this has a way of projecting a more positive “aura”, making you even more attractive inside and out. It’s all about attitude and taking proactive steps toward growing and becoming the type of man you can feel good about. Lots of benefits can come from this, including but not limited to a boyfriend. So make yourself absolutely fabulous..and remember, one “good catch” deserves another! Cheers to your success!

©2008 Brian L. Rzepczynski

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Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.

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“He Doesn’t Like My Oral Skills Anymore!”

Dear Coach:

My partner and I have been together for 9 years. Over the course of the past several years, our sex life has really changed, as has our relationship. Historically, we’ve had a lot of fights and arguments and have broken up and gotten back together again multiple times. We’re in a good spot now in our relationship, but our sex life is still non-existent and we’ve only been intimate twice in the last four months. It seems like when we are sexual, he’s responsive and excited in the moment, but every time it gets down to my pleasuring him, particularly with oral sex, he freaks out and yells at me with a harsh critique on how I’m doing it. I’ve always considered myself rather talented when it comes down to blow- jobs and he never seemed to have issue before. In fact, we always had fantastic oral sex. He seems perfectly content pleasing me, but when I try to reciprocate, he gets all bent out of shape and seems to want nothing to do with it. How can I get my sexual relationship back to where it needs to be?

Sexually Unsatisfied

Dear Sexually Unsatisfied:

Thanks for writing and I’m sorry to hear about the troubles in your relationship. It sounds like you’ve conquered many challenges in your relationship throughout the years and have a lot invested. Particularly since you feel like you’re in an upwardly mobile direction lately with your partner, I can imagine how frustrating it must be for you to be experiencing these difficulties in the bedroom that never seemed to be an issue before. All you want to do is please him and make him happy, giving your relationship that extra boost as things have started to get better again recently between the two of you-- and then he reacts to you in the uncharacteristic way that he’s been responding to you lately when you attempt to sexually satisfy him. It could be very easy for you to personalize this and hold yourself accountable for his displeasure, but I encourage you to be easy on yourself and avoid making assumptions. The fact of the matter is that you need more information before you can reach any conclusions and try to make things better.

More often than not, sexual problems and issues in the bedroom stem from two sources. The first has to do with technical skills, and overcoming these deficits is quite simple. We’re not born knowing how to be great lovers and everyone’s sexual needs and preferences are variable, even with the same individual over the course of time. Someone may like things done a certain way at one point in his life, and then likes it a different way at another. Becoming a skillful lover can be learned. If your partner is upset over your oral lovemaking skills, and if this is truly his genuine gripe, then you will need to find out from him how he would like to receive oral sex. The next time you’re in the heat of the moment during a sexual interlude (or you could even talk about it beforehand) and you’re about to initiate your pleasuring of him, ask him something to the effect of “Come on, baby, show me how you like to be sucked.” He can then perhaps demonstrate his desired technique on you, which you can then model and practice until it’s mastered to his degree of enjoyment. And don’t shame yourself over your performance! Needs change, and it’s very possible in all your exuberance over your newfound attraction for him and excitement about your new relationship possibilities that you may be “going to town” too aggressively and not even realizing it. All you can do is ask him or have him show you how he likes to be pleased. And don’t let this just be about oral sex; let this be an opportunity for the two of you to share your own individual fantasies that could be integrated into your love-life and discuss other ways the two of you would like to be pleased to expand your repertoire of pleasuring each other!

Problems in the bedroom are often not about sex at all, however, and sexual difficulties usually stem from conflicts that exist in other parts of the relationship or issues a particular individual may be going through. It will be important for you to make a realistic appraisal of all the other parts of your relationship to see if anything could be contributing to your struggles. Sex is one of the most vulnerable aspects of a couple’s lives together and therefore tends to be the first thing affected when there are any hidden resentments, disappointments, stressors, or tensions that exist anywhere else in the dynamics between the partners. Or perhaps your partner is going through something right now that is interfering with his ability to receive pleasure. It seems your guy gets the most uncomfortable when he is on the receiving end of the pleasuring activity. He could be distracted by stress, fearful of surrendering control, or possibly experiencing temporary intimacy issues as he tries to transition back into your relationship with its new beginning.

The only way to find out the true origins behind his behavior is to communicate. If after you’ve tried the technical skill strategy above and he continues to protest in bed, it will be important for you to share with him how this makes you feel as a segue to having a dialogue about what seems to be the core issue and how to go about resolving it. You can use the common “I” statements strategy to express your needs and feelings directly:  I feel ____ when you _____ because _____ so instead I’d prefer _____. (“Babe, I feel confused and hurt when you yell at me during sex when I give you head because I thought you liked the way I serviced you all these years. Can you help me understand what’s wrong?”). Hopefully his answer will help you gauge if it’s truly about your sexual technique or if there’s something more underlying going on that the two of you can pinpoint and then problem-solve potential solutions. It’s important to get unexpressed issues and feelings out on the table, otherwise they have a tendency to eat away at the foundation of a relationship and cause significant damage to trust, intimacy, and connection.

©2008 Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

• “Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life In Today’s World” (2006): new self-help book by David Steele, founder of The Relationship Coaching Institute, offering an innovative dating model for helping singles achieve success in dating and finding their future life partners. $17.95 plus shipping & handling. Click here for more information.

• “A Guide to Getting It: Purpose & Passion” (2005): new self-help book co-authored by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach, offering tips and tools for discovering your life purpose and bringing more passion into your life. $14.95 plus shipping & handling. Click here for more information.

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