“Why Am I Still Single?”
by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
www.thegaylovecoach.com

Introduction

I’m so fed up with being a “nice guy” and getting nowhere for it. I continue to be perplexed by my situation and want to understand better why others act the way they do, what I am doing wrong, and what things I can do to improve myself. I’m not perfect and don’t pretend to be. I’m not a model, but I’m often told by people that I’m “hot” and how nice and sweet I am. I am passionate and good in bed and believe I have a good personality and sense of humor. I have my own place, a new car, a great job, and I’m very successful in my career that holds a lot of promise for more growth and success. So I guess my biggest question is why am I alone? I treat the guys I have gone out with really well. Yet, it never seems to be enough. I just want to build a life with someone who has ambition, dreams, and who will love me and look out for me as I would for him. —Gay Man, age 29

This young man is not alone with his predicament. Millions of singles, both gay and straight, face the same frustrations and challenges involved in their dating quests for their true life partners. Finding a compatible, quality guy to settle down with is one of the most important decisions you'll make, so it's important to assess how your dating experiences and choices are matching with your needs and goals, particularly if you've been dealing with a series of dating mishaps and disatisfactions. The question of “why am I still single?” is a very complex issue that can’t be done justice with answering in a short article, but this piece will package some key points that will hopefully get you started with figuring out your own situation if you're pondering this common question; perhaps it will become a launching pad for you in approaching your dates differently.

Reasons Why We're Still Single

It certainly can be challenging trying to find a decent man to build your life with, someone who’s got a good head on his shoulders and who’s been able to overcome a lot of the garbage we gay men have to go through to feel ok about ourselves in this homophobic society. You feel like you're a motivated person with lots of potential and possibility ahead of you, driven to succeed and achieve. You also believe that you're a "good catch" and know that you have a lot to contribute and give in a romantic relationship if given the opportunity. But how do you find that in another guy?

There are a multitude of reasons why someone may still be single when they truly desire a relationship. Maybe they keep attracting the same kind of partner who’s wrong for them, or they’re unrealistic in their standards, or they have weak social and dating skills, or they fear losing their personal freedom, among many others. Many gay men have a difficult time establishing and maintaining intimate relationships because of internalized homophobia or intimacy fears. And then it becomes very easy to take on a "victim mentality" and become overly-focused on the flaws of the men we date. Taken a step further, one can then begin developing beliefs like "It's never going to happen for me; they always turn out to be such losers" or "Gay men aren't capable of having long-term relationships", among others. These are all false, of course, but easily born out of frustration and hopelessness.

The truth is, we can’t change other people. What's most important at this juncture is to relax, take the emphasis off of the other guys and why they are the way they are, and put your energy into examining the role that you may play in this problem, because that’s where the key to success is in you taking charge of your life and making personal changes where they’re needed. Below are some suggestions to get you started in the right direction.

How To Increase Your Odds of Finding True Love

1. Be the best person you can be. Live your life to the fullest with no expectations of a relationship. You may be trying too hard at finding love and that can be sabotaging. Lead an active and fulfilling lifestyle with purpose, meaning, and passion, and like-minded people will be attracted and drawn to your energy. Build your support system too and keep dreaming big! Throw yourself into personal growth and boost your self-esteem and confidence and eliminate any fears you may have.
2. Know yourself completely and develop your vision. This is the most important step! Be very clear about who you are, what you want, and how you’ll get it. Do this not only for your individual life, but also create a relationship and life partner vision. What are your needs, wants, values, and requirements for both? What’s negotiable and what’s non-negotiable? Be very specific.
3. When you begin dating, use this vision as your guide. Collect information and experiences from the men you date to gain a solid knowledge of who they are and make sure they’re in alignment with your vision. At the first sight of a non-negotiable trait they possess, disengage to avoid getting more invested and keep searching. A lot of people ignore these signs and then they get in too deep. Avoid this trap!
4. Explore your past relationships with men. Do you see any patterns in the types of men you’re attracted to or the type of relationships you’ve had? Are you continually getting involved with emotionally unavailable men? Are you projecting your own issues onto these men? Are you really ready for a relationship as much as you may want it? Do you have any unfinished business from a prior relationship that prevents you from being able to grieve it and let it go? These are all things to consider as you do your self-analysis.
5. Identify your relationship beliefs. These pre-conceived notions and thoughts may be holding you back and sabotaging your efforts. Some examples of self-defeating thoughts might include: “All the good ones are taken”; “Gay relationships don’t last”; “I failed at relationships before, so I will again”; “Gay men can’t commit. I’ll be alone forever”, etc. Work at creating new beliefs to dispute these and gather evidence to prove these negative ones wrong.

Conclusion

So in a nutshell, work aggressively at the above points and you’ll be at a good starting point. Other things to consider might be to live your life to the max and a relationship will happen when you’re not pressuring yourself so much because you’re happy and living with purpose. Become really attractive “on the inside” and you will attract similar people (The Law of Attraction). Be visible, take risks and stretch out of your comfort zone, develop skills to boost your confidence and cope with feelings of loneliness, develop solid boundaries, and always stay true to your vision no matter what. Good luck with your quest! One good catch deserves another!

©2008 Brian L. Rzepczynski

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEBSITE? This article can be reprinted freely online, as long as the entire article and this resource box are included:

Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.

Please also include with the article the words © Copyright and prominently display a link to our main page at the end of the article. Any feedback would be appreciated and can be sent to brian@thegaylovecoach.com. Thank you!

“My Partner Is Developing A Kink Fetish!”

Dear Coach:

I was wondering if you could point me in the direction of information on couples with sexual incompatibility issues. My partner and I have been together for 9 years and for the last 6 months or so have had some issues around sex. He seems to like more kink than I am comfortable with. Do you have any suggestions or resources that speak to this?

Too Kinky For Comfort

Dear Too Kinky For Comfort:

I’m sorry to hear about the struggles you and your partner are having in your relationship. Sexual incompatibility in a couple can be quite challenging, but not insurmountable!

For starters, most sexual problems in a relationship are not about sex at all. Particularly since you and your partner didn’t begin to have bedroom issues until about six months ago, I’m suspicious that perhaps your sexual issues are really more of a symptom or extension of other underlying dynamics or problems going on in your relationship. Additionally, your partner’s increasing interest in kink might also be a reflection of this as well. Many men develop an interest in kink or fetishism because of the elements of power and control that play out in these sexual expressions. While taboo in our society, kink is not a bad thing unless it becomes addictive in nature and is the only way a person can function sexually. The interesting parallel here is that both a sexual issue has arisen and that kink and all its symbolism are attached to this. Many relationship problems and conflicts stem from imbalances in power and control. Perhaps is there a struggle for power/control or independence/dependence going on in your relationship outside of the sexual realm? This may not be the case in your scenario, but just some food for thought! But if so, this is where you and your partner would want to focus your attention because if these issues are playing themselves out in the bedroom and without resolution, they will continue to pose as barriers to intimacy and may begin to show themselves in other not-so-nice ways in your partnership.

In dealing directly with differences in sexual tastes, it’s important that you both respect each other’s boundaries. Nobody should do anything they don’t feel comfortable with, so if kink isn’t your thing, that’s ok and neither he nor you should be pressured into this type of expression unless you’re a willing and avid participant. The two of you will need to explore ways to accommodate your partner’s desires though or he may grow resentful that this aspect of his sexuality is denied if he feels an investment toward it. If you’ve worked through any relationship problems that exist, his interest in kink may diminish if this intrigue was just symptomatic of your relational struggles unless it’s become addictive. But if not, you may need to find ways to accept his interest, validate his desires in non-judgmental ways, and seek appropriate methods for his expression without violating the norms of your relationship.

Perhaps you could support his viewing of pornographic videos related to his kink-interests as a way for him to remain in touch with his desires without necessarily involving you. Or perhaps you could role-play with him doing only the sexual activities you’re comfortable doing. Perhaps you could write erotic letters or graphic sexual fantasies that you know would speak to his desires as a way to indirectly participate in his sexual needs. Another option would be to have an open relationship so he could meet and become involved with other people who share his specialized interests. Whatever you choose to do must be in alignment with your sexual values. The two of you should communicate and brainstorm these and other potential solutions to help bridge the gap. If none of these seems to suit you and his desire for kink is a non-negotiable need for him, this relationship may not be able to progress further due to seriously discrepant values.

The important thing for you at this point is to try to identify any potential problem-spots that exist in your relationship, particularly around themes of power and control. Secondly, try to gain an understanding about where his interest in kink originates. What does he like about it? What does he get out of it? What unmet needs does kink meet for him? Why kink? Is kink the only way he can get these needs met? And lastly, it will be helpful for you to examine your own needs and feelings about this and to identify what it is about kink that bothers you and makes you uncomfortable. Perhaps lifting emotional blocks or anxiety you may have about this might create more receptivity on your part. The point is that you want to have a firm understanding about what kink means to each of you and what symbolic role it plays in your relationship.

In all honesty, I don’t know a whole lot about kink behavior and fetishism, though am beginning to acquire such knowledge through my sex therapy studies. I’ve done some research for you to try and give you some referrals, but didn’t have much luck. Not much is written about this. There are therapists that specialize in alternative lifestyles that include kink; if you wanted to talk to someone, go to www.ncsfreedom.org and go to their provider database. Hopefully there is someone in your city with that specialty. If you live in a large metropolitan city, I do know that most gay communities have special groups specifically for those interested in kink. Your partner may even be aware of them. Perhaps the two of you could go to one of these meetings together to learn more about it. Additionally, reading books on kink might give you more of an education about what your partner is interested in that might relieve some of the stress you might have around his sexual leanings. I don’t know of any books on this subject, but perhaps one of the kink-specialists from the above website would have some good recommendations for you.

I wish you all the best with this, my friend! I hope that things work out for you!

©2008 Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

• “Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life In Today’s World” (2006): new self-help book by David Steele, founder of The Relationship Coaching Institute, offering an innovative dating model for helping singles achieve success in dating and finding their future life partners. $17.95 plus shipping & handling. Click here for more information.

• “A Guide to Getting It: Purpose & Passion” (2005): new self-help book co-authored by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach, offering tips and tools for discovering your life purpose and bringing more passion into your life. $14.95 plus shipping & handling. Click here for more information.

To be removed from this list, send an e-mail to brian@thegaylovecoach.com. Unsubscribe requests will be honored within five business days.