“When ‘Not Tonight, Honey’ Becomes the Norm: Managing Sexless Gay Relationships; Part 1”
by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
www.thegaylovecoach.com

Introduction

“Not tonight, honey. I have a headache” is the well-known slogan attributed stereotypically to women who lack desire to have sex with their husbands. The slogan itself is intended to be a tongue-in-cheek joke at the expense of couples with discrepant sex drives, but the situation is actually no laughing matter. A large portion of intimate partners struggle on a daily basis with incompatible desires to have sex and it can create serious problems in relationships. And yes, there is a clinical term for this scenario…it’s called inhibited sexual desire. The urge to be sexually intimate with one’s partner waxes and wanes all the time throughout the course of a relationship; no two individuals in a couple can be expected to be in-sync sexually in every instance. It’s when sexual overtures are denied on a consistent basis and the relationship becomes devoid of any erotic or sexual fulfillment that trouble can start to brew. It tends to be more common that one partner desires the contact while the other distances and refuses participation in sexual activity.

It’s not just women who are popularly believed to kiss their partner goodnight and roll over to go to sleep right away after declining a seductive invitation for a hot lovemaking session. Men are also affected by inhibited sexual desire. In our society, men are viewed as being driven by their libidos; gay male culture in particular reinforces the image of gay men as being “sexual hounds” who can’t get enough sex and are constantly thinking about their next lay. That’s what makes this situation so difficult. As men, we are socialized to link our masculinity with sexual prowess and experience. When a man lacks a sexual outlet when he’s in a relationship, this can negatively affect his self-esteem and identity...not to mention his mood. For two men in a gay relationship, the issues are compounded.

This article is prompted by the increase in letters and client presenting issues surrounding this topic I’ve encountered in both my therapy and coaching practices lately. It is hoped to give you a broader understanding of the dynamics involved in sex drive-discrepant relationships (Part 1) and how you can best manage and negotiate these differences to enhance your relationship and breed more sexual compatibility and satisfaction (Part 2).

The Faces of Inhibited Sexual Desire

You’ve dated for years, wondering if the day would ever come that you’d meet your Mr. Right and build a lasting, satisfying relationship with him that would enrich your life and meet your needs for companionship, security, affection, and sexual gratification. Then, after one crushing dating disappointment after the next, you finally meet him and the planets all seem to be aligned.  The courtship period proves to reinforce your conviction that this is truly a goodness-of-fit with your man and you decide to step things up to the next level and you identify yourselves as committed partners. Your relationship grows and matures and things seem to be going just as you had dreamed, when all of a sudden the unthinkable happens. Your partner no longer wants to have sex. He begins to distance and withdraw, avoiding any situations that could possibly become a prelude to sexual involvement. He declines your persistent requests for lovemaking and your discontent mounts as a rift begins to develop between the two of you. What is happening? Things used to be hot, so what’s going on? Is he cheating on me? Is he bored or doesn’t he find me attractive anymore? Isn’t being in a relationship an implicit understanding of being sexually intimate with each other? Everything else in the relationship is great except this one department. And the questions, assumptions, and frustrations spiral and mount from there. This is just one example of multiple scenarios that can exist in relationships where partners have differing sex drives.

The common scene in such relationships is that the higher-drive partner is far more troubled by the lack of sex, affection, and touch. He begins to feel rejected, frustrated, and dissatisfied. He typically reacts by pressing his partner for intimacy, who in turn feels pressured and throws up obstacles in the form of excuses and avoidances, creating conflicts to defuse attention away from sexual possibilities, or making direct statements of refusal. A pursuer-distancer pattern then ensues and power struggles over sex begin to define the relationship if not carefully dealt with, which can erode the couples’ trust and connection.

Psychiatrist William L. Maurice has identified three subtypes of inhibited sexual desire in men. Understanding which category your relationship typifies is important in pinpointing the specific types of strategies that would best help overcome the particular desire impediment.

Lifelong/generalized:  the man has never been interested in any form of sexual activity throughout the course of his life in any type of setting.

Acquired/situational:  Type 1= the man begins a relationship with sexual enthusiasm, but soon becomes disinterested in partner sex; he still remains interested in solo play, however (eg. masturbation, pornography, Internet sex chats, etc.); Type 2= the man is able to be sexual when there is no possibility of an intimate relationship and becomes disinterested with sex with those whom he feels close or an attachment towards.

Acquired/generalized:  Type 1= the man was once sexual, but he lost his desire due to medical problems; Type 2= the man is experiencing the effects of aging and andropause (“male menopause”) (Leiblum, 2007).

Potential Causes of Libido Loss

There is rarely a single factor that determines why a particular individual or couple is afflicted with low sexual interest and drive; the loss of libido usually accompanies a medical, psychological, relational, or other sexual issue that all interact with each other and the couple’s responses to them. Below is a listing of possible causes underlying inhibited sexual desire. If you and your partner are struggling with this issue in your relationship, take note of these factors in helping you assess what’s possibly missing or interfering with your sexual potential as a couple.

• relationship problems; many bedroom issues result and are mirrored by conflicts and lack of fulfillment in other areas of the partnership
• intimacy issues; fears of closeness, vulnerability, connection
• other sexual concerns; problems with getting or maintaining erections commonly co-exist with inhibited sexual desire; sexual addiction
• religious and family upbringing if sex-negative teachings were instilled
• sexual or health difficulties in one’s partner or self/chronic illness and pain
• childhood sexual abuse or trauma
• mental health or substance abuse difficulties; depression and heavy alcohol use are big turn-on squashers!; stress, grief, boredom, fatigue
• infidelity and breaches of trust in the relationship
• inappropriate hormone levels (testosterone)
• the effects of aging (although don’t buy into the myths about older guys. While sexual functioning does tend to slightly decline with age, you can still be sexy, senior, and sexual until the end of the life span!)
• lack of attraction for one’s partner
• low self-esteem and confidence, body image issues
• medication side-effects; tranquilizers, antidepressants, and high blood pressure medications can all have adverse effects on sexual desire and arousal
• internalized homophobia and sexual identity struggles

As one can see, there are many different explanations for what may be going on and it is important not to jump to conclusions when difficulties arise. Keeping a clear head, a calm and centered mindset, and open communication can go a long way toward keeping your relationship on track and uncovering the core issues at play to eradicate.

The Sex Drive & Long-Term Relationships

It’s important to remember that most relationships in the very beginning stages are characterized by a “honeymoon period” where sexual chemistry, passion, and intensity are at their strongest peak. This tends to decline as the relationship matures and is a normal phenomenon in the developmental course of any partnership. A diminished “spark” does not mean that you’re not meant to be together; while still remaining in the sexual domain, the “spark” also shifts to other components and priorities of the relationship that foster deeper intimacy and connection.

When thinking about differing sex drives, it’s also important to realize that everyone has different sexual needs and they vary from high, medium, and low desires. The intensity of your sex drive is not a proper gauge for measuring satisfaction and compatibility with your partner. So rather than getting hung up on discrepant desire levels, what matters most is how and whether the two of you can accommodate each other’s variable needs. Instead of getting caught in vicious power struggles that will only serve to trap you further in the bind, recognize that it’s your attitude and how you deal with the differences that carry the most weight in a relationship’s adjustment to this problem.

Conclusion

In the next installment of this article series, coping strategies and tips will be offered on how to best deal with the perplexing issue of inhibited sexual desire. In the interim, use this time to take a careful assessment of what might be the causative factors for your unique situation and journal and talk about it with your partner. Which sexual desire subtype do you and your partner fit? Are there underlying issues or dynamics in your relationship that might be the real problem and is getting expressed through sexual disinterest? Have you noticed any patterns to the lack of desire (track these in a log)? Look for any particular situational, emotional, or behavioral triggers that might contribute to the decreased desire for sex with your partner. What would you like your sexual relationship with each other to look like? Create a vision. And most importantly, get a physical examination by your doctor to rule out any organic influences. Sometimes inhibited desire can be a symptom of a medical issue that requires immediate treatment, such as diabetes or endocrine and thyroid issues.

Reference:  Leiblum, Sandra (2007). Principles and Practice of Sex Therapy. New York: The Guilford Press.

©2008 Brian L. Rzepczynski

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“Dating & Ethnicity”

Dear Coach:

My best friend is Caucasian and he has historically had a really hard time getting a date. He tried your coaching suggestions and it worked for him—he met a great guy and things are going quite well for them. I tried the same things that he did, but it didn’t work out the same for me. I’m still single and looking with no prospects in the near future. I’m mixed African American and Asian and am wondering if the rules are different being a person of color. What do you think?

Dear Friend:

I’m sorry to hear that your dating efforts haven’t been as fruitful as your friend who you’d indicated had benefited from some of my advice. Your question is an interesting one concerning the role your ethnicity may play in the pursuit of compatible dating partners. The beauty of the gay community is that we are a melting pot of diversity with many different types of men to choose from. Granted, the research has always claimed that we gay folk represent only 10-percent of the population, so therefore the pool of available partners obviously gets cut. Additionally, just like with heterosexuals, we gay men also have our own preferences and tastes in terms of what “type” of man we find appealing, and this can be another factor to a slimmer available dating pool.

It’s difficult to ascertain why your friend was successful in his dating efforts compared to your attempts, but I would gander that it probably has little to do with ethnicity. Attraction is a powerful and elusive thing and nobody can definitively explain with absolute certainty why and with whom we fall in love. It is true that some guys may not be interested in a dating relationship with someone because of their racial or ethnic background as it pertains to their personal requirements for a partner or relationship, but it is also true that that same racial or ethnic heritages may be a huge turn-on or deciding factor for other men in whom they are attracted and choose to date. It is probable that some people will not date someone of another race due to fear, discrimination and prejudice, but you wouldn’t want to get involved with these guys anyway! Just like with anybody in the dating world, finding suitable others for companionship and relationship-building can be a challenge for all parties involved, regardless of their race or nationality. So in short, getting a date really has more to do with attraction, availability, accessibility, visibility, and good social skills and savviness. Having solid self-esteem as it pertains to your gender, being gay, being single, and having pride in one’s ethnic identity are also crucial factors in being “a good catch” and honoring yourself.

I believe that issues with race and ethnicity can become more overt in the relationship dynamics of a couple once they’ve started dating. Every culture has its own set of beliefs, values, norms, and mores by which people will ascribe to in varying levels; the more Americanized a person from another ethnic background is, it would be assumed the less conflict could be anticipated when it comes to commitment toward certain cultural traditions. There would be less need for negotiation between the couple because they have a more shared and similar belief system from which they operate. Guys who come together from different backgrounds, however, can bring much richness, depth, and variety to their relationships and a healthy foundation of communication and compromise will be needed, just like in any partnership.  As with any dating relationship, it will be important in the very beginning stages of your interactions that you screen the significance that multi-cultural differences may have and to ensure the two of you share comparable values.

Dating is not a science. While it does require a lot of preparation with emotional readiness and skill acquisition, a degree of luck is sometimes involved as well. All I can encourage you to do, my friend, is to hang in there and keep trying! While finding someone compatible may have happened more quickly for your friend, for many others it can take a long time. The key is to persevere and keep using the skills, as this will promote your chances for success. At the same time, keep living a full life and expand your identity by finding fulfillment in other areas outside of dating to avoid putting all your investment and dependency of happiness in relationships. And then, when Mr. Right does come along, he’ll be an added bonus to your already contented life! I wish you much success with your quest!

©2008 Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

• “Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life In Today’s World” (2006): new self-help book by David Steele, founder of The Relationship Coaching Institute, offering an innovative dating model for helping singles achieve success in dating and finding their future life partners. $17.95 plus shipping & handling. Click here for more information.

• “A Guide to Getting It: Purpose & Passion” (2005): new self-help book co-authored by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach, offering tips and tools for discovering your life purpose and bringing more passion into your life. $14.95 plus shipping & handling. Click here for more information.

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