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Happy New Year, guys!

I hope you all had a great holiday season and are ready to make 2005 a productive and fun year! How are those New Year’s Resolutions coming? I know, I know, I already broke one too!

Whether you believe in Resolutions or not, it is very important to have goals to work toward so that you can gain a sense of movement and accomplishment in your life. The best goals are those that are specific, concrete, realistic, and measurable. Make them meaningful, challenging, and exciting! Let them reflect who you are and what you want, and they’ll act as a guidepost to making things happen. My major goal this year is to further expand The Gay Love Coach and complete some of the programs and classes I’ve been developing on gay dating and relationships. What’s yours? What’s your vision for the New Year with your single life or relationship?

Please let me know how I can improve upon this newsletter so that it meets your needs. Have an article topic suggestion? Don’t forget about the advice column! Feel free to shoot me your dating and relationship goals for the year; it might be interesting to compile a Top 10 list so we can all collectively support each other with our goals. Please send to brian@thegaylovecoach.com. Have a superb month!

All my best,
Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
Certified Personal Life Coach
brian@thegaylovecoach.com

“Sex & the Single Gay Guy”
by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

Introduction
“To have sex or not to have sex, that is the question.” While it’s certainly important to have a healthy sexuality when you’re single, how you negotiate your sexual behavior as a gay man if you’re on a “boyfriend hunt” can definitely have an impact on helping or hurting your cause. Have you ever gone out on a date that seemingly went really well to then be utterly confused when the guy doesn’t ever call you again after you’ve slept together? Or what if you’re in-between relationships, what role does sex play in your life? What do you do if that hot guy asks you back to his place after your first meeting? Are one-night stands ok?

These questions remain at the forefront of every single gay man’s mind as he embarks out into the dating world, and they can be quite controversial topics for discussion among gay circles. The bottom line is that there are no steadfast rules or right/wrong answers to these questions necessarily; our sexuality is our own responsibility and we have personal choice in terms of how we decide to express this part of ourselves. But those unique choices you make about sex can have implications for relationship success if your ultimate goal is to find your life partner, and this article will address some of those factors and offer suggestions for navigating through those tricky decision-making processes.

Gay Sexual Development
As a result of being raised in a homophobic society, most gay men as part of their development denied and/or stifled their sexual feelings for other men out of shame and the need for acceptance and safety. As adolescents, most gay men missed out on accomplishing the developmental tasks of building dating skills and exploring their sexualities. Upon “coming out” to oneself, sex tends to take on a great significance and emphasis. After years of oppression and stuffing their sexual feelings, it is normal for gay men of any age to experience a “delayed adolescence” as they experiment sexually with other men on a casual basis, exploring who they are and defining a new identity as sexual gay men. These dynamics can change; however, the more comfortable one becomes with his sexual identity and crystallizes a more solid sense of self. For many men at this point, sexual needs become blended with a desire for emotional intimacy, something that can only be gained over time in the context of a loving relationship, not through a quick fling with a guy who was just met at the bar. Each scenario is purposeful, and neither should be judged as better or worse. What is important is recognition of who you are, what you want, and aligning your behavior with that knowledge so there’s congruence between your values and your actions.

Sex Vs. Love
What it all boils down to is honestly acknowledging to yourself what your priorities and ultimate goals are. Simply stated, what’s more important to you at this particular juncture in your life, emotional involvement or sexual gratification? Emotional involvement is driven by a need for intimacy and connection, possible commitment, a shared set of values, interests, attitudes, and goals, and is characterized by the forming of an attachment where both men can risk being vulnerable and show their “true selves.” Sexual gratification implies recreational sexual release that can be no-strings fun with a lack of expectations for anything of any depth beyond this. Be honest! Your answer to that question will be your guide to the kinds of choices you make that will allow you to live with sexual integrity.

Things To Keep In Mind
If you choose to have casual sex…
• Sex Changes Everything: Realize that once you have sex, the dynamics will never be the same with your lover. Intimacy can’t be rushed and is built over time; early sex can help determine sexual compatibility on some level (although don’t underestimate the fact that sex can get hotter as a relationship ages), but it can put the kibosh on intimacy because the relationship is rooted in sex and no other foundation has been able to be established. Don’t confuse sex with love. While there are some one-night stands that have lead to long-term relationships, they are generally in the minority.

• Practice Physical & Emotional Safe Sex: Everyone knows of the importance of condoms and other safe sex practices to help protect against the transmission of sexual diseases (please play safely!), but safe sex also involves emotional integrity and honesty. Both men must be on the same page going into a sexual encounter to avoid hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and disappointment. Be up front and honest with your needs and intentions and make sure you both have the same expectations. Set clear boundaries and communicate these, even if it “kills the mood.” If it’s purely a sexual thing and you don’t plan on maintaining contact again, politely say so and don’t exchange numbers if you really don’t plan on following through and placing a call.

• Determine Your Sexual Motives: Seems like a strange question, but why are you having sex? How does your sexual behavior impact your search for Mr. Right?
Exercise: Identify the reasons you believe that you have sex. This will help assist you in assessing whether your sexual habits are healthy or self-defeating and then you can begin developing “battle strategies” for overcoming those reasons that may be undermining your true happiness. Here are a few common purposes underlying sexual expression: “I have sex…”

___ to cope with frustration and for stress relief
___ to overcome loneliness ___ to cope with boredom
___ to increase self-esteem ___ for pleasure and fun
___ because I’ve given up on trying to find a boyfriend
___ to cope with inadequacy and shame for being gay
___ as a form of freedom & independence, the ultimate expression
of being gay ___ to avoid intimacy ___ other

Too much casual sex can sometimes harden a person to the point where sex becomes impersonal and he can then become detached from his feelings during lovemaking, even when he doesn’t want to be disengaged. You may wish to consult with a therapist or coach on any of the above if you detect a pattern of sexually addictive or promiscuous behavior that you’ve been unable to manage.

If you choose to refrain from sex initially…
• Prepare for Love: Re-read the article “Boyfriend Quest: Defining Your Vision” from The Gay Love Coach Newsletter Volume 1 Issue 1 here. Make the most of your singlehood by developing a vision for your life and future relationship so you’re ready for it when it comes. Develop a dating plan and identify your negotiable and non-negotiable needs that you want to have for a fulfilling partnership with Mr. Right. Casual sex can steer you away from living this vision and you can begin attracting the wrong type of men, not to mention harm you “image.” Know who you are and what you stand for!

• Stabilize Your Libido: Most dating coaches agree that it’s best to hold off on having sex until you really know the guy you’re dating first. This way you’ll be able to determine if you’re comfortable with this person to risk being vulnerable. Additionally, by not sleeping with him right away, his continued pursuit of you increases the probability that you’re budding romance is predicated more on genuine interest in you and not just sex. If the sexual chemistry persists even after this, it’s also likely that this attraction is more than just lust. In the interim, meet your sexual needs in other ways (e.g. self-pleasuring, fantasy, etc.), as difficult and unrealistic as it may be at times.

• Pacing: “Pacing” refers to the art of taking things slowly and with conscious intent. You be in the driver’s seat and proceed with your dating relationship at a speed that you’re comfortable with and that is in alignment with your vision. Remember, common interests and values are the cement that helps sustain relationships, not sex. Go slow.

Conclusion
Balancing head, heart, and libido is a very challenging task when you’re single and dating, but the rewards are great if you live congruently with your values and standards you’ve set for yourself. Recognize the power that your choices have in influencing the direction of your life. In closing, some additional questions that might be helpful as you further ponder this topic are:
• What role does sex play in my history and current life situation?
• Am I really looking for a relationship or am I content with “cruising” for the time being?
• Does having sex distract me from my goal of finding my life partner?
• How do I feel about myself after sex?

© 2005 Brian L. Rzepczynski

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Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the
FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.

Please also include with the article the words © Copyright and prominently display a link to our main page at the end of the article. Any feedback would be appreciated and can be sent to brian@thegaylovecoach.com. Thank you!

Dear Coach,
Hello. I’m in love with a man that has hurt me a lot and I don’t know what to do. He was my boss and I had to quit my job right there so that we could be together. As time went on in our relationship, a lot of issues started coming out. I found out he had a drinking problem and that he wasn’t completely “out of the closet.” We never went out on dates and the sex stopped after the first year. I wanted to give up so badly but something inside me wouldn’t let that happen. He eventually broke up with me and I was so crushed. Since then, we’ve had a series of breakups and reunions. But nothing’s changed. We’ve just recently had another breakup, still have frequent contact, and I can’t seem to let go. I’m so fed up with it, but I love him very much and I can’t leave him. What can I do to not feel this way about him? I’m tired of being hurt, tired of having to walk on eggshells with him, tired of the lies. What should I do?
Lost

Dear Lost:
Ouch! Sounds like you’ve been on an emotional roller coaster ride this past year and you are ready to get off! I can appreciate your feeling torn here; on the one hand, it appears that you have deep feelings for this man and can’t imagine not having him in your life as he’s made a significant impact upon you. On the other hand, the stress that this relationship has brought to your life also seems overwhelming and probably zaps a lot of your energy and concentration that can be distracting. These situations are never easy, particularly since the decision you make will have a large impact on the direction your future will take.

You appear very insightful and in touch with your feelings. I applaud your desire to take care of yourself and despite your strong connection to this man, you’ve been able to recognize how hurtful and defeating the relationship has been for you. One of the most important things to do for yourself right now is to relax. Your anxiety about what to do can get in the way of your being able to make a sound decision, so please make sure that you practice lots of relaxation techniques and exercise or work-out to release some of this draining stress.

It sounds like your male-friend is going through a rough time and struggling with a lot of identity issues, self-medicating with alcohol to help “take the edge off” his stress and pain. The repetitive push-pull dynamic that you’ve seen in your relationship is very common when someone is hurting to this extent. It’s probable that he is very confused about his identity, needs, and wants and he has broken up with you in an effort to cope with this. Unfortunately, it sounds like you’ve joined him in his own roller coaster ride of confusion. It’s very important that you clearly see that his confusion is HIS issue and in order to protect yourself from that confusion, you must set boundaries, otherwise you will continue to get sucked into his issues. There is no doubt that he has caring feelings for you as well, but until he is able to stabilize his life (which is his responsibility, not yours), the prognosis for his being able to maintain a healthy relationship is not good. Until he can integrate a solid sense of self and pride in being gay, as well as eliminating any addictive behavior (e.g. alcoholism), he will likely continue to flip-flop. You can support him, but his overcoming these issues is his responsibility and it’s important that you set limits with yourself to avoid rescuing or enabling him. This is also called codependency.
While it does happen in the gay community all the time, it is extremely difficult to downshift from an intimate relationship to a strict friendship, especially as fresh as your breakup has been. It is still possible, of course, but it does not appear that you have had sufficient time to grieve the loss of your intimate relationship with him and this will make things more difficult and painful for you. Setting boundaries would entail a few possible scenarios:
(1) Take some time apart (6mos+) without any contact to allow grieving and personal growth…regroup later to see if you are comfortable having a friendship/relationship
(2) Identify who you are and what your needs are for a friendship with this man and create some “ground rules” for how you would like your interactions to be as friends
(3) Terminate the relationship altogether and seek more compatible dating partners.

You will probably not be able to “turn off” your feelings for him. He has been too special and significant to you. Your most important goal right now would be to focus on yourself and take the emphasis off of him and do what you need to do to take care of yourself and protect yourself. You are not an extension of him. Remember that if his drinking issues persist and his coming-out issues are not resolved yet, you will more than likely be repeating the same dysfunctional relationship patterns again if you reconcile as a couple, as these are huge relationship “sabotagers.” You will never fully have his attentiveness to you because you will be in competition with his emotional struggles, never completely being his priority. You may suggest he seek professional assistance from a therapist.
Remember that you deserve to be happy! Take some time to identify the ways you’ve contributed to the issues in the relationship to learn from these mistakes and start working on such things as assertiveness, boundary-setting, and self-esteem to promote your own personal growth. Know your values and what you need in a relationship to be happy.

I wish you the best with your decision, Lost. While it’s obviously very challenging, make sure to journal about your feelings to bring about more clarity, identify your relationship needs/requirements to help guide you into making the appropriate choice for yourself, and begin building skills in boundaries. Stay true to yourself. If you stay, establish ground rules and stick to them consistently. If you leave, find a way to commemorate how special the relationship was to you as a way to facilitate grieving and find ways to promote the reasons why you made this choice to help you through those tough “Did I make the right choice?” times and take action steps that reinforce the “new you.”
Good luck!

-- The Gay Love Coach

This section is dedicated to you members/subscribers where you can offer your own tips and insights, as well as make announcements for resources pertaining to gay dating and relationships that you know of that would be of benefit to us all! Please feel free to forward these for possible inclusion to brian@thegaylovecoach.com.

QUESTION OF THE MONTH:
In keeping with today’s feature article, how do you feel about casual sex?

*** If you were at a place in your life in which you were on a quest for your life partner, looking to build a serious, long-term relationship with someone, would you have sex with a man you just met on a first date? Yes, No, Unsure, Why or why not? Please send your answers to brian@thegaylovecoach.com and answers will be posted in a future newsletter.

For information regarding sexually transmitted diseases written specifically for gay men, please visit the following link http://www.acsa.org.au/sti_booklet.pdf to read a booklet offered by The AIDS Council of South Australia (ACSA) entitled, “Last Night I Picked Up Someone…And Something!: A Guide to Sexually Transmissible Infections for Gay Men.”
It offers some good, practical information on a variety of STD’s. But be forewarned that the language is a bit “colorful” and there are some pictures of STD’s that are graphic in nature and not for the “faint of heart.”

Disclaimer: The Gay Love Coach does not represent or endorse the quality of any products, information, or materials displayed, purchased, or obtained by you as a result of its mention in this newsletter. It’s common sense to do your own due diligence before purchasing a product.

Copyright © 2005 Brian L. Rzepczynski. All Rights Reserved.