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Bon Jour!

Hi guys, Happy March to you and I hope that things are going well for you in your neck of the woods. Things are great here—I found out I’m going to be an uncle for the second time, which is very exciting to be able to spoil another munchkin! The book that I co-authored, “A Guide to Getting It: Purpose & Passion,” is off to the printers and should be ready for the bookstores in a couple months, so I’m very pumped about my first published writing venture! I’ll keep you updated on its progress.

My partner and I are planning a trip to Paris in a couple months, our second European trip together (London was awesome!) and first time in France. Any suggestions about “must-see” places to visit would be appreciated! I’m taking a French class now to learn the language; it’s fun, but boy am I struggling with it! I’ve got “Bon Jour” down pat, but that’s about it! I hope they’ll be patient with me and will get a chuckle out of my tongue-tied speech!

Wishing you all a great month ahead! I’ve gotten a lot of letters requesting advice on dealing with relationship breakups and being single again, so I hope this month’s feature article will prove helpful to those of you going through that difficult adjustment period of rebuilding. We all support you!

All my best,
Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
Certified Personal Life Coach
brian@thegaylovecoach.com

“Gay Breakups: When the Rainbow Ends”
by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

Introduction
“It just hit me out of the blue when Mike left me. We hadn’t really been together all that long, but I thought I’d finally found my true soul mate. Now it’s over and I feel totally rejected, like nobody’s ever going to want me again. It’s so hard finding a decent guy and now I have to start all over again; I don’t know if I can. I feel like a failure at relationships. I just don’t know what to do.” --Eric

“Steve and I broke up after eight years together. The house feels so empty without him and the pain can be so unbearable at times. The loneliness is the worst part for me and it’s like there’s this big hole inside of me, this nagging hurt that won’t go away. I think about him all the time and wonder if I’m ever going to get over him. I’ve never felt more alone and confused in my life.” --Josh

The ending of a relationship, for whatever reason, can be one of the most painful experiences that we can go through. Having made ourselves vulnerable by opening our hearts to another and loving him to the fullest capacity almost feels spiritual; now it’s been replaced with a crushing sense of loss and emptiness that feels quite devastating. The length of time together, the quality of the relationship, and the level of emotional investment in it all determine the intensity of the grief experienced when you and your lover part ways.

This article will explore the grieving process involved with relationship breakups and offer tips and strategies for facilitating your grief to move you toward healing so you can start your life over on better footing.

The Grieving Experience
The experience of breaking up with a boyfriend or partner can be likened to a death, with layer upon layer of losses resulting. Not only is his absent physical presence felt as a loss, but other losses like hopes, dreams, expectations, identity, security, and trust compound and complicate your adjustment. Life as you know it has been shaken and your vision for your future has been altered. You experience a roller-coaster of emotions. It’s common to feel rejected, abandoned, insecure, powerless, and hopeless. Confusion and feeling a sense of failure and regret are common, as well as varying degrees of anger, depression, and guilt. You might even become preoccupied with your ex-lover, obsessing about him and thinking constantly about your life together and what he might be doing now.

In her book, “Healing A Broken Heart”(1997), Nancy Joy Carroll, ED.D outlines four stages of relationship loss that are common in the aftermath of a breakup. They include the following:

Stage 1: Shock & Denial: This usually occurs immediately after the split-up. You might feel numb, believe that this can’t be happening and minimize the reality of the situation. You feel sad, angry, confused, and might blame yourself.

Stage 2: Despair: You begin to see that the ending is inevitable and experience profound sadness, loneliness, depression, and impaired concentration. You might try to bargain with your partner to try to convince him to give the relationship another chance. You idealize your partner. You feel unlovable, wondering if you can make it on your own, and feel a loss of identity.

Stage 3: Detachment: Anger becomes more pronounced and you begin to hold your partner more responsible for the relationship split. This stage is particularly helpful as your anger helps to create some distance for you from him and you’re not as enmeshed.

Stage 4: Recovery: In this final stage, you come to an acceptance of the loss and learn to “let go”, redefining yourself as a single man again and feel more empowered to cultivate new experiences and opportunities for personal growth.

Tips Along the Grief Path
You are going through a major shift in your identity. Be patient and kind with yourself as you journey through the grieving process. Keep these tips in mind as you forage through the pain you’re experiencing to prevent any blocks or impediments along the path of healing. It can be a rocky road, but staying focused and conscious will promote a smoother and more successful transition to the “new you.”

• Everyone grieves at their own rate and pace; there’s no timeline, so don’t rush yourself. It can sometimes take years.

• As you go through the stages of loss, be aware that healing is not linear. Expect to progress up and down through the stages. Endure through it.

• Avoid stuffing your feelings; be open to them no matter how much it hurts. Suppressing your emotions only puts a temporary band-aid on your suffering and prolongs your healing. It’s ok to cry.

• Avoid self-medicating your feelings. Beware of alcohol, drugs, gambling, work, food, sex, or other vices to comfort yourself during this difficult time. These can distract from your grieving work and become addictions.

• Depression and anxiety are common emotions during this time period. Should their experience interfere with your daily functioning or accomplishment of daily tasks, seek assistance from a licensed mental health therapist.

• Earlier losses and unfinished business from the past can be triggered when you encounter relationship loss. Be prepared to deal with these as well.

• Avoid making major life decisions. Allow yourself time to get more grounded and centered first. Grief can have a tricky way of clouding our judgment if not careful.

• Avoid jumping into another relationship right away. Grieve this one completely first.

• Ignore others’ attempts to tell you how you should feel or that you should “be over it by now.” They didn’t live your experience and they are typically projecting their own discomfort with loss and grief.

• Avoid being friends with your ex initially. It’s common for gay men to remain friends with their ex-boyfriends; decide for yourself if this is something that you would be able to do, and if so, allow yourself some time and space first to grieve. It can be very difficult to transition from “life partner” to “just friends” immediately after a breakup. You need time to heal to be able to appropriately view your ex in a new role.

Additional Healing Tips & Strategies

• Provide a daily structure for yourself to keep grounded. Stay busy, but not too busy that you get distracted from your emotional work.

• Get connected with others. Surround yourself with positive, supportive friends and get engaged with life, no matter how hard it is. Join a grief support group in your area to be with others who can share similar circumstances with you and normalize your grief.

• Find a renewed sense of purpose and passion. Join an organization or a cause you care about, take a class, cultivate a new hobby, get involved! Bring healthy pleasure into your life.

• Learn to be comfortable being alone. Do some self-soothing and nurturing activities. Find value in self-renewal.

• Take this opportunity to learn more about yourself. Work with a life coach to help you learn about healthy relationships and crafting a new vision for your future. Recognize patterns in your relationships and identify areas where you can improve your relationship skills.

• Challenge negative self-talk by replacing it with more enhancing, affirming, coping thoughts. Identify your strengths and value to boost your self-esteem. Use the power of affirmations and write them on index cards for quick reference.

• Remove items that remind you of your ex-lover and tuck them away somewhere so they’re not a constant visual trigger for you. There will come a time when they won’t be so jarring to you.

• Create a ritual of closure for your relationship (eg. throw a “I’m moving on” party with close friends, etc.) Find a way to commemorate the relationship and what it meant to you to aid in “letting go.”

• Create a scrapbook or collage of memories of your relationship when you’re ready.

• Release your feelings productively. Take out several sheets of paper and at the top of each write an emotion you feel (sad, angry, hurt, resentful, etc.). Then down the side of the full length of the paper, write “I feel…” and fill in the blank about that particular emotion to release all the feelings you have regarding that as it pertains to your relationship grief. Do some self-soothing afterwards.

• Keep a journal or write your ex-lover a letter sharing your feelings and what the relationship meant to you, etc. DO NOT SEND THIS TO YOUR EX! This is for your therapeutic benefit only. Or talk to an empty chair pretending your ex is sitting there and practice processing your emotions this way. This can be extremely cathartic.

Conclusion
Breaking up is hard to do, as an old song once put it. Realize that your pain is a tribute to the significance that this relationship held for you and that you are a survivor. How you choose to deal with the breakup will impact the direction of your life and how soon you will be able to rebuild your life. Identify healthy outlets that you can channel your feelings toward, pinpoint potential blocks that could get in the way of your healing process, and allow yourself to be open to love again when you’re ready. A new beginning with opportunity and possibility awaits you on the other side of the rainbow.

Reference: Carroll, Nancy Joy. Healing A Broken Heart: A Recovery Handbook for Relationship Loss. Brentwood, TN: Life Skills Publications, 1997.

© 2005 Brian L. Rzepczynski

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Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.

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Dear Gay Love Coach:
I met this really cool guy and I have shown a great interest in him. We had a great time for the past several dates and now he seems withdrawn and distant. I’ve asked him if anything is wrong and he says “no”, but I sense his non-verbal behavior shows differently. I just got an e-mail from him that says “I recently ended a relationship that went pretty sour, so I’ve had reservations about getting involved with any other guys. I’m sorry if you feel I’ve pulled away, but it’s not you in any way, just me and my reservations. I hope you understand.” What should I do? Should I attempt to assure him that I’m still interested, but not expecting a relationship? What communication should I convey to him that we could continue our dating? Or is he saying that he wants to stop dating me and move on? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Confused


Dear Confused:
Ugh! It is SO frustrating when you meet someone you really like and it seems like things are going along famously and then BAM! Something like this happens. I’m sorry things have hit a snag for you and can appreciate your feeling confused and wanting to tread carefully so as not to alienate him any further. It is positive that he was able to share with you what is going on with him because this is a gift to you of sorts…you have information from him now that will allow you to make some logical decisions for yourself instead of having nothing to go on, which is often what happens in situations like these.

Often times when people in dating relationships distance or withdraw, it is because they are facing some sort of emotional trigger or intimacy fear. It may appear this man you’ve been dating shared some feelings of fondness for you as well; the more you got to know each other, the more triggers he began to experience in the aftermath of his prior relationship-ending, thereby leading him to pull back. It’s important for you to recognize that this is more about him than it is you, so please try to avoid any self-blame or rejection beliefs. It is critical after the ending of a relationship that people grieve for the loss of that relationship, in much the same way we grieve for the death of a loved one. Until he completely grieves his past relationship and is able to “let go” and move on, he will likely sabotage any future relationships with the “baggage” of unresolved emotions and issues. Consider yourself fortunate that he was able to be direct and honest with you about where he is right now, otherwise you may have suffered the consequences of being a “rebound” partner. It’s also important to ensure that you’ve been reading his signals appropriately and that you’re not assuming withdrawal/distance from him when it might not be that at all. Make sure that your excitement about meeting “a great catch” doesn’t come across as insecurity, neediness, or moving things along too quickly as this can cause someone to pull away if things are not being paced at a comfortable speed. Especially in the early stages of dating someone, proceed slowly and let the intimacy develop naturally.

So where do you go from here? First, I would encourage you to relax and take a step back by taking the emphasis off of him and putting it more squarely on yourself by examining your needs and requirements. Where are you at this particular stage of your life? Are you looking for a relationship, and if so, what kind? Are you looking to build a long-term partnership with someone, or are you solely looking for recreational dating and companionship? It’s important that you craft a vision for what you want so that when you’re dating, you’ll only date men who are in alignment with that particular vision. What are you looking for in a man? What are your needs, both negotiable and non-negotiable? For any serious relationship to work, emotional availability is a very important quality. If you’ve been reading his signals appropriately and he really is distancing, my concern is that your friend may not be emotionally available to you or anyone else right now; in fact, he’s explicitly stated that..so take that at face value. If you’re just looking for casual dating with “no-strings-attached”, that would be a different story with him, but you have to be very honest with yourself because the decision you make will be in accordance with your specific needs.

If you still want him to be a part of your life, approach him gently. From what he wrote to you, he seems somewhat vague in what he wants from you. Don’t make any assumptions and I concur with your idea...casually approach him and empathize with his situation, validating how difficult it must be for him after his last relationship. By connecting with his feelings in this way, he may be less defensive and guarded because he sees you conveying an understanding instead of pressuring him. Then basically let him know that you’ve enjoyed getting to know him thus far and you would be interested in continuing to see him, either in the context of just a friendship or on a casual-dating basis with no expectations, and see what he says (because it doesn’t appear that he’s ready for anything more than just that). What do you have to lose? But be sure you’re going to be ok with “just friends” or “no-strings dating.” Any hidden agenda or false hopes that “he’ll come around” will only end up hurting you in the end. But again, if you’re looking for a serious relationship, unfortunately he’s not going to be able to meet you half-way here because he’s not emotionally available if he’s being honest with you.

Then get out there and live your life, keeping your relationship requirements/needs in the forefront of your mind so you can appropriately screen potential dating partners for their suitability. And, if after talking with him he’s still not interested in “hanging out”, then it’s best for you to know this now before you’ve invested too much of your heart into it. Also work on developing pacing and other relationship skills to ensure smooth, successful transitioning in relationships to bring about balance so as not to rush intimacy and temper the excitement and “high” of attraction.

I wish you the very best with this! Just be sure to stay true to yourself no matter how strong other feelings/urges are to the contrary. It’ll be difficult to “stray from the path” if you know who you are and what you want. This is the best insurance to protect yourself when you’re out there in the dating jungle! Good luck to you! You’ll be great!

-- The Gay Love Coach

This section is dedicated to you members/subscribers where you can offer your own tips and insights, as well as make announcements for resources pertaining to gay dating and relationships that you know of that would be of benefit to us all! Please feel free to forward these for possible inclusion to brian@thegaylovecoach.com.

A couple of good books I’ve found out there on the market that pertain to relationship breakups for the gay community include:

“Moving On: The Gay Man’s Guide for Coping When a Relationship Ends” by Dann Hazel (1999). This is a pretty good guide to help you understand the dynamics behind relationship terminations and offers a self-assessment inventory to complete after each chapter pertaining to a relationship status/breakup issue.

“When It’s Time to Leave Your Lover: A Guide for Gay Men” by Neil Kaminsky, LCSW (1999). Also well written, this book also explores breakup dynamics, reinventing yourself, and learning how to negotiate the lessons learned in your relationship as you begin the process of starting over.

Disclaimer: The Gay Love Coach does not represent or endorse the quality of any products, information, or materials displayed, purchased, or obtained by you as a result of its mention in this newsletter. It’s common sense to do your own due diligence before purchasing a product.

Copyright © 2005 Brian L. Rzepczynski. All Rights Reserved.