NOTE: Please add brian@thegaylovecoach.com to your whitelist or address book
in your e-mail program so that you will have no trouble receiving future issues!

Hi guys!

Thank you for all the letters this past month! I’m getting the chance to learn more about my readers and love hearing about your success stories! Summer must just be right around the corner with all the budding romances and dating adventures you’ve been writing about!

I’ve also been getting a lot of letters asking about where to meet men for dating, so today’s feature article addresses this most perplexing mystery. I wish you all an enjoyable month and thanks again for your positive feedback and support!

All my best,
Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
Certified Personal Life Coach
brian@thegaylovecoach.com

“Boyfriend Hunting: Where the Men Are”
by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

Introduction
So you’re on the prowl for a boyfriend, hunting for Mr. Right to potentially build a lasting and fulfilling relationship? You feel like you’ve got your head on straight, your life is in order, and you’re ready and available for love. Perfect! The most important pre-requisite that’s needed before embarking out into the dating jungle is a solid sense of self, an understanding of your needs and values, and a psychological readiness and maturity for navigating through a variety of interpersonal situations and relationship issues. You’re equipped, motivated, excited… so where in the world do you find those quality guys to get acquainted with?!

As gay men, it can be a bit more challenging in our quest for potential dating partners since we’re not always easily recognizable, that is unless you’ve got a finely-tuned sense of “gaydar.” We don’t have a rubber stamp with the word “GAY” printed on our foreheads to cause us to stand out from the crowd, so knowing who it’s safe to approach can be made more difficult than our heterosexual counterparts face. But, it is not impossible, for as the saying goes: “We are everywhere!” This article will offer possible settings that will increase your chances for meeting other gay men, as well as to provide some practical tips for approaching these venues.

Attraction Venues
According to David Steele, M.A. and Marvin Cohen, M.A. from The Relationship Coaching
Institute (*) in their program for relationship success training for singles, attraction venues are places and activities to meet potential dating partners, and there are four levels:

Level 1: Public Places. These are places such as malls, festivals, banks, grocery stores, etc. It’s possible to meet someone compatible in these places, but not likely because there’s such a large diversity of people to pool through.

Level 2: Generic Singles Settings. These would include bars, singles clubs, personal ads; places where you would specifically expect to find singles congregating. The odds are increased for meeting someone in these venues, but can still be difficult to find “qualified” partners.

Level 3: Special Interest Settings. Sports clubs, fitness classes, targeted workshops on a particular topic, etc. An even better place to meet people because you’re living your life doing something that you enjoy with other like-minded people, already giving you something in common to build from. These are great places to make new friends too!

Level 4: Shared Mission Sites. This is the best venue to meet your life partner because it’s a place where the people have a shared sense of values, purpose, and passion, which are important ingredients for relationship success. Places like churches, service clubs, and personal growth venues would be examples of such settings wherethey act as a community with mutual support and involvement.

You can meet the man of your dreams in any of these venues, however the more aligned the venue is with who you are and what you’re looking for, the higher probability of success exists. Choose to involve yourself in settings that will attract the type of men you want to affiliate with.

Top 5 Places to Meet Gay Men
Through interviews and polls taken with clients and men in the gay community, the following are the top popular picks for meeting potential guys for dating and mating.

1. Gay Bars & Dance Clubs: While these may be obvious places that gay men can flock to, be careful. You can meet a lot of nice guys in these venues, however the environment can be highly sexualized and prone to draw men who abuse drugs or alcohol and are only “cruising” for sex. If you’re seeking a boyfriend, be clear on that and screen the men you meet carefully.

2. Personal Ads & Internet Chatrooms: Whether it be newspaper or telephone ads, online personals, or dating services, these can be ideal places to search for men, particularly for those who have extra-busy lifestyles or who don’t live in large gay urban areas. These ads are a great way to creatively spell out exactly what you’re looking for. Always meet in a public place if it gets that far and don’t rely solely on this method at the expense of live human contact and social interaction.

3. Volunteering: Get to know the resources and organizations available in your nearest gay community and volunteer your time to some that resonate with and are meaningful to you. Examples might include The Human Rights Campaign, gay youth groups, gay community centers and health clinics, task forces, etc.

4. Friends: Build your gay social support system and expand your gay friendship circle. The more people you know, the more people your friends might be able to introduce you to. Lots of fulfilling relationships have started from “set-ups” by friends. It doesn’t always work out, but friends can be a valuable resource because they know you and your interests.

5. Gay-Themed Events: Pride parades and festivals, drag queen shows, gay theatrical productions, charity events, classes and workshops with gay topics, parties, gay support groups, church activities, gay trade shows, gay speed dating events, etc.

Also, don’t forget other places such as coffee shops, beaches, work, business networking events, restaurants, art galleries, museums, and health clubs as other possible gay guy meeting places.

Dating Tips for the Hunt

• Meeting Mr. Right takes careful planning and preparation; it’s typically not always a spontaneous, out-of-the-blue experience. Know yourself and what you believe in and stand for,as well as what you’re looking for. Ensure that you’re emotionally available and ready for a possible relationship.

• Be friendly, open, receptive, and assertive when socializing. Your life partner could be anywhere, so don’t limit yourself exclusively to certain meeting places. Expand your horizons and be open to new possibilities.

• Avoid expecting every encounter to lead somewhere. Not every hot guy you meet is Mr. Right. Use your screening skills and assess true goodness-of-fit.

• Don’t let dating consume your life. Live your life in a balanced and fulfilling way. Be happily single.

• Defeat negative thinking that could undermine your confidence in social situations. Be affirming toward yourself and let each experience be a new learning opportunity to help you improve yourself and your approaches.

Conclusion
So there you have it! Mr. Right is anywhere and everywhere; you just need the readiness and emotional reserves to take the risks inherent in meeting new people. While dating venues can be important in helping you increase the odds of finding a good match, the most important ingredients are what you bring to the table. As long as you bring a positive attitude, strong self-esteem, good social skills, and an upbeat and assertive demeanor to the playing field, your chances of narrowing the market down and having a triumphant hunt for your future husband are great. Don’t delay… boyfriend hunting season opens now!

*Reference: Steele, David & Cohen, Marvin (2003). Conscious Dating: Relationship Success Training For Singles. Relationship Coaching Institute. www.relationshipcoachinginstitute.com and www.consciousdating.org.

© 2005 Brian L. Rzepczynski

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEBSITE? This article can be reprinted freely online, as long as the entire article and this resource box are included:

Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.

Please also include with the article the words © Copyright and prominently display a link to our main page at the end of the article. Any feedback would be appreciated and can be sent to brian@thegaylovecoach.com. Thank you!

Dear Coach:

There’s this new guy at work and I find him to be very cute! I’m always staring at him and want to ask him on a date so bad. My friend decided to help me find out if he’s gay or not so she told me she went up to him and asked him if he has a girlfriend and he replied, “No, I’m ga…”. My friend then said he looked like he had caught himself and then looked real embarrassed. She then asked him if he has a boyfriend and he responded with a weak laugh and then walked away. I’d like to know for sure if he meant “ga” as gay or as in something else. Plus, I’m not ready to let people know about my sexuality yet, so I don’t want to be asking the wrong person out and have him expose my homosexuality. So my question is, how do you tell if someone is gay or not? How can I find out if this guy is gay? Can you find out if a person is gay by the way they dress? I’d also like to know if dating a man is different than being with a woman. This is all new to me as I’ve never been in a gay relationship before. Thanks for your time and help!

Curious

Dear Curious:

Thanks for writing! I can certainly appreciate the dilemma you have on your hands. You must be so distracted at work! Unfortunately, the advice I have for you will probably not clear up your confusion about your new love interest’s sexual orientation. There is no way to tell if someone is gay by his appearance, mannerisms, or by the way he dresses. There are a lot of stereotypes out there about identifying a man as homosexual if he’s effeminate, walks with a “swish”, has all female friends, isn’t interested in sports, etc. But these are all myths; certainly there are some gay men who display these characteristics, but a lot of straight men do too, and it’s dangerous to generalize and make assumptions based on this. A lot of gays and lesbians develop “gaydar”, an intuitive sixth sense about someone’s orientation, but it would be a mistake to conclude these feelings as valid or proof either.

I would caution you not to assume this guy is gay until you have more evidence, no matter how much your gut tells you otherwise. Especially with your not being “out” and wanting to protect your privacy, it’s probably not worth the risk to directly ask him, as there’s no telling how he’ll respond and what the potential consequences could be. But all is not doomed here, my friend! There are a few options available to you.

First, you could let some time go by and perhaps he may disclose his sexuality to you, or others, on his own once he gets more adjusted to his new work environment and gets to know his co-workers better. This may take a long time though and will prolong your agony, not to mention he may never say anything. Second, you could try some subtle flirting with him. Shoot him a quick glance with a playful smile and turn away, glance back, turn away, glance back again to see if he continues to return your eye contact; you’ll be able to tell if he’s signaling interest or not through this perhaps. But again, there would be a risk involved if you decided to approach him based solely on flirting exchanges, so be careful. I would recommend the third option, which is to befriend him and ask him if he’d like to “hang out” sometime and see what he says. This takes the pressure off of dating and allows for the two of you to slowly build a friendship and see if you’re compatible as friends first. Then, over time, as your friendship and the intimacy deepens between the two of you, you’ll have more of a foundation of trust established. If he’s gay, he might then feel more comfortable sharing that with you once you have more of a bond and/or he’ll drop hints. Either that, or you yourself might feel more comfortable being bold and asking him directly because you’ll be in a better position to assess his trustworthiness and keeping things private. And if you find out he’s straight, well, you’ve made a good friend along the way as you go back to the drawing board!

And yes, dating a man is quite different than dating a woman. Our straight counterparts have ascribed roles (though that’s changing!) when it comes to dating and relationships; they were given the opportunity as young teens to practice and experiment with dating openly. While the dating rituals can be comparable with straights and gays, often times gay men make up their own rules as they go along because we weren’t taught how to date another man and lack role models. The dynamics of man-to-man relationships are very different too. As men, we’ve been socialized to be strong, compete, and to be more action/achievement-oriented than communicative/feelings-oriented. Put two men together who’ve been conditioned this way and it can create some very interesting dynamics. Gay relationships do work and do prosper! This is a very complex issue and I encourage you to read up on the literature that’s out there to educate yourself further on issues related to being gay.

I wish you all the best with your quest, Curious! I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you that this turns out in your favor!

--The Gay Love Coach

This section is dedicated to you members/subscribers where you can offer your own tips and insights, as well as make announcements for resources pertaining to gay dating and relationships that you know of that would be of benefit to us all! Please feel free to forward these for possible inclusion to brian@thegaylovecoach.com.

Along the lines of this month’s feature article, where have you met current or past boyfriends or partners? What venues seemed to work the best for you? Any stories or additional tips you’d be willing to share to our community regarding this topic? Please feel free to send this information to brian@thegaylovecoach.com. All submissions will be kept confidential. Thank you!

New Resource Available to Gay Men Across the Globe!
Circa-Club: The International Lifestyle Club for Gay Professional Men
This is an international networking website for gay men. Whether you’re looking for friends, business promotion or networking opportunities, or gay-related services or resources, this new website could be another venue for you to reach others in the community. Check it out at http://www.circa-club.com.

 

Disclaimer: The Gay Love Coach does not represent or endorse the quality of any products, information, or materials displayed, purchased, or obtained by you as a result of its mention in this newsletter. It’s common sense to do your own due diligence before purchasing a product.

Copyright © 2005 Brian L. Rzepczynski. All Rights Reserved.