NOTE: Please add brian@thegaylovecoach.com to your whitelist or address book
in your e-mail program so that you will have no trouble receiving future issues!

Hi guys!

Summertime is here! I hope you’re enjoying the sun and are able to partake in all the Pride events and activities, as June is Pride Month! Please celebrate safely and take time to honor and acknowledge the gay heroes, past and present, who have helped us achieve our current freedom and acceptance level as a gay community. We’ve come a long way! Let’s keep pushing forward!

My trip to Paris, France was awesome! If you’ve never traveled there before, I highly recommend it! It’s a city that never sleeps and there’s always an abundance of fun things to do at your disposal. I had an unfortunate accident while I was there, however. The klutz that I am, I tripped going into a river-boat for a cruise and fell into the corner edge of the boat, knocking my knee out-of-socket. Ouch! I can still hear that “popping” sound ringing through my ears, eeeeew! I ripped some ligaments while I was at it too (you can’t take me anywhere, I swear!). Fortunately, this happened near the end of the vacation and after a few months of physical therapy and a very attractive leg brace, I should be as good as new they say. Gotta love it!

Happy June, my friends! See ya at the beach! I hope you enjoy this month’s newsletter.

All my best,
Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
Certified Personal Life Coach
brian@thegaylovecoach.com

“Squashing the Gay Relationship Killer Known as Jealousy”
by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

Introduction
You might feel it when that hot stud across the room at the gym gives your lover “the look-over.” You might experience it if your ex-boyfriends ever cheated on you and then you project it onto your current man. Or you might experience it if you have an “open relationship” and you know your partner is out “tricking.” Whatever its form, jealousy can take on many different faces and it can kill your relationship if it’s not managed appropriately. If you’re the one who’s afflicted with jealousy, it can torment and consume you, zapping you of all security and contentment. If you’re the partner of a jealous lover, your frustration at having to “walk on eggshells” and constantly reassure your guy of your commitment to him can be maddening.

Jealousy is not bad in and of itself. It is a feeling and all our feelings are ok; it’s what we do with them that can mean the difference between relationship calm and relationship storm. Jealousy can actually benefit your partnership in its mildest form. But if it is a recurrent, pervasive theme that seems to dominate the climate of your relationship, it can sabotage your future together and lead to a lot of hurt and grief. This article will address some of the dynamics involved in jealousy and offer some tips for you and your partner in overcoming and defeating it.

Jealousy and Its Causes
Jealousy can be defined as a feeling that arises from a perceived threat to your relationship. It almost always involves fear—fear of abandonment or losing your partner, fear of being replaced with someone else, fear of not being important enough anymore and being excluded, etc. This significantly impacts one’s self-esteem and leads to insecurity and using self-defeating behaviors to ward off these painful feelings and gain a sense of control (although it never really accomplishes that and creates vicious cycles of the same dysfunctional behavior over and over again). Self-defeating behaviors might include spying on your partner, excessive clinginess toward him, constant questioning of his whereabouts and activities, among others.

What are the causes of jealousy? There are “inner” and “outer” causes. Inner causes might include low self-esteem and confidence (believing one is unattractive or unworthy of being in a healthy relationship), a past history of experiences that created distrust, and beliefs that one will be single forever if he loses his partner. External causes might include how one’s partner acts (expressing interest or flirting with someone else) or the actual involvement of a third person in the relationship. “Factors that seem to affect the susceptibility to jealousy include the length and stability of the relationship, maturity, dependence, and level of self-esteem of the individuals, their expectations for emotional gratification, and the perceived availability of alternatives to the primary relationship (Neidig & Friedman, 1984).

Low levels of jealousy can actually be positive for your relationship. It can be a signal that something’s “off” between the two of you. It can help partners feel cared for and be an indication to not take each other for granted. It can also increase communication, commitment, and sexual intensity. “Jealousy becomes problematic when it is expressed indirectly, is experienced compulsively, becomes irrational, or leads to extreme levels of vigilance and control” (Neidig & Friedman, 1984).

The major consequence is that it also leads to a severe break-down in the level of trust and intimacy between the two men, core ingredients that are necessary for a healthy relationship to last. And the other paradoxical effect of jealousy is that it can create the very outcome that is feared and dreaded the most---the ending of the relationship.

Tips for Conquering the Jealousy Beast

	If you are the one suffering from jealousy…
*	Acknowledge your jealousy. Avoid minimizing or denying its existence. Recognize that you are not your jealousy—it is a part of you, one aspect of you that you can learn to manage. Admitting its power over you is the first step to conquering it.
*	Identify the cause of your jealousy. What feelings are underneath your jealousy? Work on developing more effective ways to cope with these specific emotions.
*	Keep a journal and write about your experience of jealousy and what it means to you. Ask yourself such questions as:
	• Do I trust my partner and believe what he says? • Am I projecting my own issues and feelings onto him and blaming him? What is my jealousy really about? • What hurts? What’s missing in my life? • What are the consequences of my jealousy? What do I get out of it that may be perpetuating it? • Are my jealous feelings rational or irrational? Are they based more on real threats or insecurities?
*	Identify your triggers to jealousy and either avoid them or find ways to confront them head-on in a healthy way.
*	Live in the present. Your partner is not your ex-boyfriend. Learn how to control your anger and grieve past losses and hurts.
*	Refrain from obsessing and compulsively questioning your partner’s behavior. Monitor your own thoughts and always check your motives and feelings against reality.
*	Realize that you are responsible for your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. You create your own interpretations and perceptions of events and situations. Learn to identify and challenge irrational thoughts and beliefs and develop affirmations or coaching, coping statements to write on index cards for reference to help you through difficult times.
*	Practice relaxation techniques to help you cope with your anxiety.
*	Make sure to have a life separate from your partner to reduce dependency and bring more fresh air into the relationship. Reach out to your friends, build your support system, and seek out social outlets that inspire a sense of fun and purpose.
*	Build your self-esteem by taking safe risks that boost your confidence and allow you to see the strengths you possess.
	If you are the partner of a jealous lover…
*	Be patient and endure through this difficult period. Understand how painful and difficult it is for your partner and empathize and validate his feelings. Provide reassurances of your love, but don’t enable his behavior.
*	Take care of yourself. Practice good stress management for emotional wellness.
*	Identify ways you might be able to support your partner and show how you value him. Explore your own behavior to determine if you’re reinforcing your lover’s jealousies in any way.
	And finally, together as a couple…
*	Identify if the jealousy has its roots in an underlying problem in your relationship. What’s missing? Are there any unmet needs that require your attention?
*	Don’t make assumptions! Avoid mind-reading and always check feelings or thoughts that you may have with each other.
*	This is a great opportunity to open the channels of communication and see if any new boundaries or “relationship rules” need to be re-negotiated, created, or dropped.
*	Make your relationship a #1 priority! Spend lots of quality time together and engage in activities that will re-vitalize your bond and restore some of that damaged trust and intimacy.

Conclusion
Jealousy doesn’t have to rule your life. Make a commitment to aggressively minimize its influence so that there will be more energy available for your own self-care and for enriching your relationship. These are the things that really matter. So squash that bugger before it has the chance to contaminate what the two of you have worked so hard to build. Convert that jealousy into passion for yourself and for your partner and before long you’ll no longer heed Jealousy’s evil whispers. You can do it!

*Reference: Neidig, Peter H. & Friedman, Dale H. (1984). Spouse Abuse: A Treatment Program for Couples. Champaign, IL: Research Press Company.

© 2005 Brian L. Rzepczynski

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEBSITE? This article can be reprinted freely online, as long as the entire article and this resource box are included:

Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.

Please also include with the article the words © Copyright and prominently display a link to our main page at the end of the article. Any feedback would be appreciated and can be sent to brian@thegaylovecoach.com. Thank you!

Dear Coach:

I am an HIV+ gay man living in France and recently traveled to the States on business. During my stay, I had the glorious pleasure of getting to know a beautiful man I met off an Internet dating site, and to say that we really hit it off would be an understatement! We only had a week together, but it was one of the most magical times of my life. The sex with him was the absolute best I’ve ever had! Then wham! Vacation over! Now I’m back home in France and feel like crying. I want him. I think about him every single day. We talk on the phone about four times a week, e-mail each other, and post each other letters and cards. I have a long-distance relationship going here! He’s planning on coming to visit me this summer and I can’t wait! My dilemma is that I want to be with him, as I believe he may be my Mr. Right. I’m impatiently waiting for him to say the magic words “I love you”, but he hasn’t yet and he focuses on the fact that we live so far apart. If he asked me to drop everything and move to America, I wouldn’t hesitate. On the other hand, if I asked him to leave everything and join me in France, he’d have a difficult time with the language barrier. The scary part is that as an HIV+ person whose medications are all taken care of by socialized medicine here, it would be rough going to pick up and move to the States. He is HIV+ also and has very good health coverage through his employer. What am I to do? He lives in a very homophobic state, while here in France, civil-unions for same-sex couples have been legal for 5 years and you can feel safe holding your boyfriend’s hand in public. Plus there are so many social advantages here too. As you can see, my head is muddled with all these conflicting thoughts. My heart says go and my head says that I don’t really know him well enough to give up everything I’ve built here. It’s been so long since I felt like I met someone who I truly felt was a good match for me. Help me get my feet back down on the ground!

Floating In France

Dear Floating:

Thanks for writing! Wow, what a dilemma! What do you do when you finally meet someone of quality and substance and he lives half-way across the world? I’m probably not going to say anything you haven’t already contemplated, but my first suggestion to you is to enjoy what’s happening to you; relish in it, yet also temper your excitement by going slow and pacing the relationship. Let it evolve naturally and avoid rushing things, particularly emotional intimacy. If not careful, your excitement could sabotage things either by scaring him (which would cause him to distance) or by clouding your judgment about his true compatibility for you. It sure seems so far that the two of you are meshing well, but your time together has also been too short and overshadowed by the high of newness/chemistry/attraction to accurately see each other for who you really are quite yet. That comes progressively over time through more communication and experiences shared. So relax, enjoy, and pace. Avoid pushing him for the “L” word and give him time to articulate his feelings. Let his persistent interest and the awesome times you guys have shared so far be validation enough of how special and meaningful to him you are; the rest will evolve naturally. This way he might be more comfortable becoming more expressive as time goes on.

Now to your dilemma. You have three choices that seem apparent. You could chock up the experience as a whirlwind escapade that you’ll treasure forever so you could invest your energies into finding a man more geographically accessible and available to you before you invest your heart any further. Second, if both of you are agreeable, you could try on a long-distance relationship for size. The good news is that these do actually work! The bad news is that they’re extremely challenging and lonely. For a long-distance relationship to work, communication and trust are essential. You’ll need to consider whether you have a foundation for these ingredients in your relationship with him now or if more time and experience would be needed to solidify them. Lastly, one or the other of you could move to be closer to each other.

This last option is particularly tricky and risky. In all honesty, vacation romances, particularly those that were brief, are not typically sufficient enough to gauge life partner suitability. Time is needed to nurture emotional intimacy and observe each other outside the context of the romantic rendezvous to learn about each other’s values, philosophies of life, needs, desires,etc. to assess true goodness-of-fit. If you decide to throw caution to the wind and uproot yourself to be with your new lover, you’ll have to make sure your motives are in the right place. Are you running away from something or toward something? How invested and rooted are you in France? Can you financially, emotionally, and health-wise afford to make such a move as this would be a huge life change and transition to adjust to and will most likely be a jolt to your system. If you moved, where would you live and how would you support yourself? How resilient are you? If you moved and things didn’t work out between the two of you, would you harbor resentments against him and be able to cope with this without an established support system? Whatever you decide, you both have to be on the same page and you have to take responsibility for the choice and be prepared to be accountable for any consequences that result (positive and negative). These are just a few questions to help steer you down the path of your decision-making process. It’s a really hard choice to make, but be clear in your thinking and I’m cheering for you! Good luck!

--The Gay Love Coach

This section is dedicated to you members/subscribers where you can offer your own tips and insights, as well as make announcements for resources pertaining to gay dating and relationships that you know of that would be of benefit to us all! Please feel free to forward these for possible inclusion to brian@thegaylovecoach.com.

While not dating or relationship-oriented, here’s an interesting article that CBSNews.com posted about a research project that was conducted that helps to point more evidence toward sexual orientation as biologically-caused rather than learned. Check it out here at http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/05/09/tech/printable694078.shtml.

Partners Task Force for Gay & Lesbian Couples is a website that is a national resource for same-sex couples with links on various media topics covering the whole continuum of gay relationships. You’ll find interesting articles, essays, and editorials with a large focus on legal and political arenas. Check it out at http://www.buddybuddy.com/toc.html.

Disclaimer: The Gay Love Coach does not represent or endorse the quality of any products, information, or materials displayed, purchased, or obtained by you as a result of its mention in this newsletter. It’s common sense to do your own due diligence before purchasing a product.

Copyright © 2005 Brian L. Rzepczynski. All Rights Reserved.