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Hi guys!

Summer is in full-swing, and boy has it been a scorcher here in the Midwest! Whew! I hope you’re all surviving the heat and making the most of your summer because it’s sure going fast!

Not much to report here on this end this month. I’m off to Michigan to visit family and have some much-needed beach time. I’m still diligently working on developing programs and teleclasses to offer; trying to manage my busy therapy practice while simultaneously creating products for The Gay Love Coach has been fun, yet challenging, so I appreciate your patience with those of you who have made inquiries. Very soon, my friends! Little by little I’m getting there!

I wish you all a great month! Stay cool! And my deepest support and encouragement to all our London, England community members who may have been affected by the recent terrorist attacks. Our thoughts are with you.

All my best,
Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
Certified Personal Life Coach
brian@thegaylovecoach.com

“Intimacy Freak-Out & Gay Men; Part 1”
by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

Introduction
“Intimacy freak-out.” You’ve seen it before. You’ve probably encountered it during your dating escapades. It happens when things seem to be going famously with that special guy you’ve been dating, and when things start getting just a little bit serious, BAM! He disappears, never to be heard from again, for no apparent reason. Or those men who will have oral and anal sex with you, but they refuse to kiss you during foreplay and then they’re immediately clothed and out the door faster than a speeding bullet after they’ve had their orgasm. Or perhaps you’re in a long-term relationship and your partner isn’t a real big fan of cuddling or showing displays of affection. He seems distant, aloof, “cut off” from you at times. Or maybe you, yourself, struggle with detachment from your lover or have been told by him that you’re “too needy and clingy.”

Welcome to the wonderful world of “intimacy issues!” Intimacy deficits are a phenomenon and common cause or symptom of relationship problems in both gay and straight partnerships. It’s been called a “man thing”, but gay men can be particularly vulnerable to “intimacy freak-out”, and Part 1 of this two-part article series will address the reasons behind this and help you gain a better understanding of the dynamics involved in intimacy in gay relationships.

What is Intimacy Freak-Out?
To understand this concept, an understanding of what constitutes intimacy is needed. Most people immediately think of sex when the word "intimacy" is used, but that's not what we're talking about here; that's just one component. Intimacy is the ability to be emotionally close to another man, being able to be who you truly are with no facades or defenses, to be uninhibited and express yourself in a reciprocal way with your partner so both of you feel safe and open to share and communicate about anything and everything. There's no need to feel guarded or defensive with each other because you've established a foundation of security and unconditional love and acceptance in your relationship. You know you are loved for who you are.

Intimacy is not just about "togetherness" though. Healthy intimacy requires a balance of "we" and "me"; there's a flexibility between the amount of closeness and space that exists between you and your lover. You both exercise good boundaries and respect each other's limits, knowing that it's important to have your own individual identity as well as your identity as a couple. It's like a dance the two of you do together, flowing back and forth between merging and separating. But you don't stay stuck in one for too long and you both develop a rhythm and synchronicity, communicating your needs and feelings all the while and being attuned to your partner's. "Mature intimacy requires both a capacity to be independent and separate and a capacity to be close to the other emotionally and to acknowledge needs for attachment, connectedness, and dependency" (Greenan & Tunnell, 2003). Intimacy is the ultimate validation of your relationship.

Sounds good, huh? Not an easy feat to accomplish! "Intimacy freak-out" is a term coined by Al Crowell, MS in his book "I'd Rather Be Married" (1995) and basically describes this process as being a defense we put up to cope with disappointment and ambivalence in our relationships. He goes on to say that we all have different thresholds for tolerating intimacy, and when we don't match up with our partner's level, fear and "freak-out" occurs to protect ourselves from perceived vulnerability by putting up psychological walls and barriers to closeness. For example, sometimes when couples fight, engage in negative "drama", or retreat from each other, these types of conflicts could actually be signs of intimacy overload and the behaviors are used as a way to ward off this feeling. So the next time you and your boyfriend have a knock-down, drag-out argument, don't be so quick to assume that you're incompatible…it could be an example of differences in your abilities to tolerate intimacy! The key is to learn how not to act-out these feelings and to achieve a better balance with your partner through assertive communication, productive conflict resolution, nurturing each other, gaining more self-awareness about your particular triggers and issues surrounding intimacy, and other strategies. More to come on these!

Growing Up Gay
The ability to be intimate requires positive self-esteem and a solid "sense of self." Growing up in a homophobic society, gay men internalize an onslaught of negative messages from many different sources that denigrate our identities. As such, most of us grew up feeling different, inadequate, defective, and anchored with shame. We may still even feel that way now. Internalized homophobia settled in and the idea of having a genuinely intimate relationship with another man became very triggering of that shame that was instilled. Nonetheless, many of us eventually ventured out to explore our sexualities with other men and sex became a way to establish a sense of connection. Navigating into relationships, some men who were successfully able to negotiate the coming-out process were able to replace sexual conquest as a means for connection with men with needs for more relational depth and substance (emotional intimacy). For others not quite comfortable with the idea of emotional closeness with another man, fleeting and superficial sexual involvements may remain the objective to meet their needs and keep themselves safe from getting in "too deep" (and there's nothing wrong with that considering that one is honest with himself and his partner and that he genuinely is not looking for more than just sex as opposed to it being a defense against getting close). While still others desire true intimacy in their relationships, yet remain blocked by their fears. These are just a few of the many scenarios that exist.

Socialization as males in our society teaches us that we are expected to be strong, independent, self-reliant, and emotionally self-sufficient---at all costs. These traits don't always mesh so well in intimate relationships which require vulnerability, exposure, and some degree of dependency. In addition to overcoming the traditional male gender role programming that limits true intimacy potential in relationships, gay men have the added burden of conquering internalized homophobia and its psychological consequences in achieving the capacity for intimacy in their lives. An unfair and challenging de-programming process it is, but that's why we gay men are so resilient with our experiences in dealing with adversity!

As one can see, man-to-man relationships are fertile grounds for potential problems with intimacy. Below are two interesting quotes from the book "Couple Therapy With Gay Men" by Greenan & Tunnell that are relevant to our discussion here:

"As males, gay men have been exposed to the same gender acculturation that all males receive: Men should be strong and not show their feelings. But, for straight men, male-female relationships are one of the few culturally sanctioned contexts where a man might reveal the full range of his feelings without censure or shame. In heterosexual romantic relationships it is permissible for a man to let down his guard, show his feelings, and not be judged weak. This is not to say that considerable numbers of straight men do not find intimacy difficult, since adult emotional intimacy violates their earlier years of male gender acculturation. But part of gender acculturation is the male's expectation that females will be more tolerant, accepting, and encouraging of his shortcomings and self-doubts, given their supposedly stronger interest in mutuality and connection." (p. 38).

"Intimacy with another man can provoke a man to feel unmasculine and worthless, whereas distance may render him lonely and depressed. For such men, sexual orientation is experienced as a perpetual double bind, permitting no comfortable solution and causing havoc in their couple relationships." (p.27).

Put two men together who have been conditioned with the same gender role socialization and expectations, coupled with potential sexual-identity struggles, and that lays the foundation for the possibility in their relationship for excessive competition, pursuer-distancer "dances", and discomfort with tenderness and emotional abandon with each other. Whether you're a single or coupled gay man, how comfortable are you with the idea of "letting yourself go" completely with another man? If there's the slightest hint of uneasiness, you could be missing out on one of the greatest feelings and experiences life has to offer. What's holding you back? What consequences do you essentially suffer as a result? Do you derive any potential benefits or gains out of having these blocks? Are you willing to do the hard work and to take the risks involved in facing your fears and resistance?

Conclusion
This article covered a lot of theory surrounding intimacy as it pertains to love relationships between men. In Part 2 of this article series in the next Couples' Edition of "The Man 4 Man Plan" newsletter (October 2005), the "how-to's" of enhancing intimacy will be addressed. Common fears of intimacy will be examined and practical suggestions for strengthening your comfort with intimacy and bridging more connection with your partner will be offered.

In the interim, explore the role that intimacy plays in your relationships. How much "intimacy freak-out" exists in your life? Do some journaling surrounding the areas of childhood experiences, internalized homophobia, male gender role socialization, emotional blocks, and self-esteem and their association with your development as a gay man and your current capacity for intimacy. Finally, recognize the gifts that true intimacy can bring to your life and begin thinking about ways you might be able to "get out of your own way" to invite more intimacy into your world if you choose.

*References:	Crowell, Al (1995). I’d Rather Be Married: Finding Your Future Spouse. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
	Greenan, David E. & Tunnell, Gil (2003). Couple Therapy With Gay Men. New York, NY: The Guilford Press.

© 2005 Brian L. Rzepczynski

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Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.

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Dear Coach:

My partner of 16 years and I have decided to break up, yet still live together as roommates. It’s not as easy as I thought it would be, however. I’m honestly not sure where I want to be right now. Do I want to work it out with him? Or am I just too afraid to strike out on my own? I’ve gone on a couple dates, but there was no real spark. Is it too soon for me to be dating? I just don’t know what I want from life.
I’ll be turning 40 later this year and want to have things figured out by then. Help!

Trapped In Transition

Dear Trapped:

I’m sorry to hear about your current situation; I can only imagine how confused and disoriented you must feel. Not only are you grieving for the loss of your long-term relationship that you were invested in, but continuing to live under the same roof as your partner has got to be distressing with all the triggers around you, let alone how to interact with him in this new capacity. This is an extremely difficult transition period, so just know that the emotions you’re experiencing are normal and that you will survive this with some focus and determination!

Without knowing the details surrounding your breakup, my advice to you for starters is to breathe! After 16 years together, this can be a major jolt to your system as everything you thought your future was going to be is now turned upside down and your identity is in flux. Your first priority right now needs to be to yourself. Take the emphasis off of your relationship and the racing thoughts about what you’re going to do with all these decisions and begin paying more attention to yourself and your needs. It’s dangerous and risky to make life-changing decisions in the aftermath of a breakup (you’re probably still numb and in shock, reeling from everything that’s happened and it’s difficult to be clear in our thinking during such times). Devote yourself to self-care through such things as exercise, relaxation techniques, reaching out to friends and building your support system, engaging in hobbies or contributing your talents into some kind of positive outlet, etc. The goal is to get yourself to a point where you’re more grounded and centered so you can make choices that are aligned with your vision of what you want your life to be like here on out.

During this time of adjustment, be careful about dating too soon. It’s important to first grieve your past relationship before you’ll be able to be fully present or capable of emotional intimacy with someone else. It’s ok to meet new people for companionship and friendship, but make sure everybody is on the same page about intentions. You’ll also need to keep boundaries with your partner living in the same domain until you can figure out what you want to do. His physical presence, and all the memories and history that the two of you share together, can be quite triggering and distracting. You’re at a crossroads right now and almost need to be selfish for the time being… and that’s ok. You may need to limit your contact with him or even separate from the home until you can feel comfortable; it can be extremely difficult to “downshift” from life partner to roommate/friend. So if you can’t or don’t want to move out, try to identify ways to minimize these triggers and communicate with each other about this.

If you’re confused about the stay with him vs. leave him dilemma, you might want to create a pros and cons list for each option and develop a vision and needs list to determine if this relationship is a true goodness-of-fit for you. Ask yourself such questions as “What’s missing in my life?” “Am I running away or toward something?” “What’s blocking me from being able to make a decision?” etc. It’s truly a time to do a complete life assessment and examination. While 40 is just around the corner, don’t let that rush you. It’s important to pace yourself so you don’t sabotage your goals as you create them.

It’s difficult in a letter to give full understanding and guidance on your next steps, but I encourage you to first focus on taking care of YOU through grieving your losses, through adequate self-care, and grounding yourself. This will lead to a solid foundation that’s needed for you to then clearly discover who you are, what you stand for, what makes you tick, and what you really need and want for yourself to have a fulfilling future. You might want to enlist the services of a coach or therapist to help you through this life assessment and visioning process and do some reading on books related to relationship loss and breakups.

All my best to you with this challenging decision! While this all seems overwhelming to you now, try to reframe what you’re experiencing as a golden opportunity for you to now craft the kind of life that you’ve always wanted and go for it!

--The Gay Love Coach

This section is dedicated to you members/subscribers where you can offer your own tips and insights, as well as make announcements for resources pertaining to gay dating and relationships that you know of that would be of benefit to us all! Please feel free to forward these for possible inclusion to brian@thegaylovecoach.com.

Are you and your partner planning on getting married and having a commitment ceremony? Go to http://sunspotcreations.tripod.com/lbgweddings/index.html for some interesting articles, templates, and worksheets to help organize and structure your special day to help it run smoothly! You can even announce your date on the site’s ceremony calendar!

The National Association of Black & White Men Together is a gay, multiracial, multicultural organization committed to human equality and overcoming racial and cultural barriers through educational, political, cultural, and social activities. If you’d like to learn more about this association and perhaps join one of their local chapters to help in the fight for equality and social justice in such areas of racism, homophobia, HIV/AIDS discrimination, etc., visit their website at http://www.nabwmt.com.

Disclaimer: The Gay Love Coach does not represent or endorse the quality of any products, information, or materials displayed, purchased, or obtained by you as a result of its mention in this newsletter. It’s common sense to do your own due diligence before purchasing a product.

Copyright © 2005 Brian L. Rzepczynski. All Rights Reserved.