Hi guys!

Welcome to the first edition of The Gay Love Coach Newsletter, The Man 4 Man Plan: Dating & Relationship Strategies for Today’s Gay Man. This newsletter marks the launching of The Gay Love Coach: Man 4 Man Coaching Services and I am totally excited about its mission and possibilities.

I’m looking forward to sharing with you a wealth of information and resources on gay dating and relationships, and I’m also eager to learn from all of you about your insights and experiences. Together, as a community, we can teach each other how to have dynamic and successful relationships as gay men. Hooray to that!

I most certainly welcome and encourage any questions, feedback, suggestions, or additional resources/tips that you may like to share. Write to me at brian@thegaylovecoach.com.

I hope you enjoy this newsletter and can find some value in it to apply to your life. Stay tuned each month for more helpful material related to being single or partnered as a gay man in the ‘00’s.

My best wishes,
Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
Certified Personal Life Coach

“Boyfriend Quest: Defining Your Vision”
by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

Introduction
“Why can’t I sustain a relationship for more than two months?” “Aren’t there any decent guys out there?” These are common questions raised by many single gay men describing their frustration and hopelessness with their dating quests for true “boyfriend material.” Trapped in vicious cycles of unfulfilling dating experiences, many gay men begin to feel powerless, disappointed, and disillusioned. Not only do they begin to lose confidence, but they can even start to succumb to the dangerous stereotypical myth that long-term gay relationships are not possible. “Vision” is one sure-fire way to short-circuit this belief and create opportunities for getting what you most want.

What is Vision?
Vision is a process in which you develop a clear image in your mind of where you’re headed in your life. It acts as a guidepost, providing you with direction as you make efforts to meet your desired goals. It helps to keep you on track and stay clear in your thinking. It can also be motivating and be a good source of tracking for accountability and measuring progress toward your goal. It requires a lot of self-awareness and knowledge; you must know what your needs are specifically and the skills necessary to achieve your successful outcome.

Vision and the Boyfriend Quest
The concept of vision is not a new one. When you contemplate your future in terms of vocation, money, or health, you are applying principles of vision to guide you. Our society does little to train us on how to date healthily, particularly as gay men. Applying vision to the type of man and relationship you’d like to be in can go a long way toward putting a sense of control back in your dating life again. If we put as much energy into developing a vivid image of our intimate relationships as we do with career decision-making, for example, a lot less floundering will occur in the dating world because our relationship choices will be in alignment with our actual needs. We will be less apt to put ourselves in situations or become involved with men who are not in keeping with our needs and values as a result.

Action Challenges
Creating your vision to attract compatible dating partners is a very broad and complex process, but here is a simple exercise to help get you started.

1. Set the tone
Schedule a time where you’ll be free from distractions so you can focus all your energy on the task-at-hand. Do some relaxation exercises to help center you. Close your eyes, take some deep breaths, and rid your mind of all the stresses of your day.

2. Visualize
Let your imagination go and visualize what your lover would be like. If you were to open your eyes and your life could be exactly the way that you would want it to be (with no judgments from others and nothing would stand in the way of your having things be the way you want), life partner and all, what would it look like? Imagine everything and anything about your lover…his personality, appearance, behavior, values, etc. What do you look like and feel like as a result? Let your five senses go wild.

3. Journal
Take out a notebook and pen and write about your visualization experience and what you learned. Ask yourself such questions as: “Who am I?” “What do I want?” “What are my values?” “Who is my potential partner and what does he stand for?” etc. Avoid placing too much emphasis on the “other” in this exercise. It’s essential that you balance this with self-knowledge as well, recognizing what “makes you tick” and what your needs and guiding principles are. Identify potential obstacles that could get in the way along your path to finding Mr. Right and pinpoint resources available to you to help overcome them. Write it all down!

4. Express Yourself
Get creative and create some type of artistic outlet or expression to serve as a symbolic visual representation of your future boyfriend, relationship, or lifestyle. Draw or paint a picture of your vision. Write a poem or a song depicting your vision. Make a colorful poster, collage, or mobile. Let yourself go! And let your creation be a visual reminder and source of inspiration to you!

Conclusion
Developing your vision is a great starting point for creating a roadmap to the man and type of relationship you’re seeking. The important thing to remember is that you CAN take charge of your dating life and make things happen for yourself. Defining your vision helps you to plan, prioritize, and respond effectively to challenges along the way in your dating journey. Give yourself permission to dream! Once you have your vision, your next movement involves developing “next steps” with this knowledge, including designing an action plan.

© 2004 Brian L. Rzepczynski

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Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the
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Dear Coach,
I’m a 30-year old gay man living in a large metropolitan area and am fed up with the whole dating scene. I’m kind of a quiet type. I go to the bars and nobody ever approaches me and it gets so hard sometimes because my other friends always seem to have boyfriends. I’m secretly envious of their luck with men and it makes me wonder if it’s something about me. Any suggestions?
J., Chicago, IL

Dear J.,
It can be extremely frustrating when our dating efforts don’t seem to pay off, particularly when we look around and see so many other couples; it makes us wonder what their secret is or what’s lacking in us. Try to avoid getting into the “comparison game” as everyone’s situation is unique. Comparing yourself to others can undermine your self-esteem, make you feel defective, and breed a sense of hopelessness and jealousy.
Begin taking stock of what’s worked and hasn’t worked in your dating history. Perhaps there’s a skill that’s absent or needs strengthening. When you indicate that nobody approaches you, I’m making an assumption that you might be dealing with some shyness or anxiety. I’m a big advocate for taking charge of our lives and making things happen. Rather than waiting to be approached (passive stance), why not you be the initiator of a conversation with a guy who peaks your interest (active stance)?
Identify what blocks you from following through with the skill in question, then brainstorm possible action steps to overcoming it. If you feel shy or insecure, develop the necessary skills to boost your confidence in social situations. Practice relaxation techniques. Role-play different “pick-up” scenarios with a trusted friend. Attend business networking meetings or social groups where you can practice social skills in a setting that takes the pressure off of having to flirt and then build into generalizing these behaviors to dating situations. Join a ToastMaster’s Club in your local area to improve your speaking skills in a supportive environment. Build your assertiveness.

I hope some of these tips are helpful to you. Live by the mantra “NO MORE MISSED OPPORTUNITIES” and learn to go for it. Avoid emphasizing others’ dating successes and turn the focus back on you and the factors that you have control over. Good luck on your quest, J.!
--The Gay Love Coach

This section is dedicated to you members/subscribers where you can offer your own tips and insights, as well as make announcements for resources pertaining to gay dating and relationships that you know of that would be of benefit to us all! Please feel free to forward these for possible inclusion to brian@thegaylovecoach.com.

With this being the first newsletter, I’ll start the ball rolling with this section! If you enjoyed our article in this issue on developing “vision”, I’ve come across a handy resource available through The Inventure Group called “The Life Map.” It’s a navigation tool to help you set goals in different areas of your life and helps you to design ways of achieving them. While this product, as well as the other resources available at their website, are not specifically gay-oriented, they can certainly be useful in tailoring them to singlehood or relationship goals. Check them out at www.inventuregroup.com; you’ll find other items there related to life purpose, passion, and vision.

Disclaimer: The Gay Love Coach does not represent or endorse the quality of any products, information, or materials displayed, purchased, or obtained by you as a result of its mention in this newsletter. It’s common sense to do your own due diligence before purchasing a product.