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Hi guys!

First and foremost, on behalf of myself and The Gay Love Coach community, may I declare to those affected by the Hurricane Katrina devastation that our hearts and prayers are with you during this horrific time. We support you as you attempt to persevere through this crisis, and you will! It’s during times like these that one gains an appreciation of the necessity for not taking things for granted and for the need for human compassion, connection, and support. For information on ways you can help in the aftermath of this disaster if you choose, please scroll to the Member Resources section of this newsletter.

Lots of announcements this month! This issue marks the 1-year anniversary of “The Man 4 Man Plan: Dating & Relationship Strategies for Today’s Gay Man.” I appreciate all of you subscribers and have a lot of fun putting this out. Thank you for all your kind letters and I welcome any feedback on how I could make this newsletter better. Give me a shout!

I’m also happy to announce the release of the book that I co-authored, “A Guide to Getting It: Purpose & Passion.” It’s in bookstores now and this is my first published book, hopefully the first of many! While not gay-oriented, it’s a valuable self-help resource (although I’m biased!) that helps readers discover their life purpose and learn how to bring more passion and “umph!” to their lives. My contribution is a chapter I wrote on how to improve your “zest for life.” Check the book out at my website at http://www.thegaylovecoach.com/store.html where it’s available for purchase at The Gay Love Coach Store, a new edition to the site. Not much is written on this subject, so make a grab for it!

Finally, for those of you who live in the Midwest, or are willing to travel, a unique opportunity awaits you. On November 3-6, a four-day conference for single gay men will be held in Saugatuck, Michigan. The conference will have workshops pertaining to single gay men’s issues, and I will be one of the seminar presenters at the event. The conference will be an opportunity to meet other single men in a non-bar atmosphere, will give you a chance to learn new life skills, and should provide a great time with dances and other activities. Saugatuck is a quaint, gay-friendly town just off the beaches of Lake Michigan with lots of shopping and a gay resort/bar. For more information on the conference and how to register, visit the website at http://www.smsgathering.com. It should be an awesome time! Hope to meet you!

I hope you enjoy this month’s article on how to evaluate the men you meet on your first dates. Have a great month, guys!

All my best,
Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
Certified Personal Life Coach
brian@thegaylovecoach.com

“The First Date: Assessing His Boyfriend Potential”
by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

Introduction
You sit on the lumpy lounge chair at the local coffee shop, sipping your cappuccino while trying to look occupied reading today’s local newspaper, your eyes periodically shifting to the front door of the shop, hoping to catch a quick glance of the man you’ll be meeting for the first time. You’ve had a million first dates, it seems, but the nervous anticipation and excitement always seems to show itself through your sweaty palms and rapid heartbeat. What will this meeting be like? Could he be “The One?”

Even though your blood’s pumping at the prospect of meeting someone new, you feel confident and relaxed within yourself as you approach this situation. You’ve worked hard to be a good, upstanding man and you recognize that you’re a “good catch.” You’re comfortable with who you are and you have a solid vision for what you’re looking for in a potential mate, having taken the time to craft a dating plan that emphasizes your personal needs, wants, values, and requirements in a relationship and partner. Your first date here is an opportunity to meet and get to know a new person with no expectations of outcome. You are going to be yourself, knowing that this isn’t about performance, and you’ll have a chance to briefly gauge whether this man possesses some of the traits and qualities that you seek in a Mr. Right. Your thoughts are interrupted by the presence of the handsome creature that now stands before you. You both shake hands as you greet, smiles beaming, and he proceeds to sit down to begin the get-to-know-you dialogues.

Who is this man sitting across from you? Is he boyfriend potential? While compatibility largely rests on the goodness-of-fit between the two of you with your relationship visions and attraction/chemistry, this article will pose some provoking questions for you to track the answers for when you begin your dating quests with new people and learn about whether they’re your “type” or not. These questions can act as guideposts through your dating journey. And remember, the answers you obtain do not reflect upon this person as being “good” or “bad.” The answers are simply used as a way to help you quickly determine if this individual matches with your personal requirements so that you can make informed choices that will promote your achieving a successful and lasting relationship with your Mr. Right.

The First Date Evaluation
Generally speaking, first dates are usually better structured when they’re short, focused, and allow for lots of dialogue. Learn as much as you can about this person so you can begin the process of “sizing up” his compatibility with your vision and needs. According to David Steele, founder of the Relationship Coaching Institute, there are four critical skills that singles must possess during their life partner quest. Two of those skills are relevant to our discussion here. “Sorting is the process of quickly determining if someone you meet has future potential. A successful single is able to initiate contact with people and in conversation get enough information within 5 minutes to know whether they want to get to know them better or move on. Think of “working the room” at a party. Screening is the process of getting enough information to determine if a prospective partner meets your requirements or not. Since requirements are relationship breakers, all of them must be met. Getting this information can occur over the telephone, by e-mail, over coffee, or taking a walk. If you are looking for your life partner, you can’t afford to explore dead ends; and it is important to get this information BEFORE you date them and get involved.” (Steele, 2002)

While it’s impossible to get the full scope of a person on a first date, you should be on the lookout for any possible “red flags” that would halt the possibility of a second date. Or perhaps he will have inspired some intrigue in you to invest further in getting more acquainted with him. So when conversing with the man sitting across from you, think about some of the following points to help you ponder how you’d like to proceed with this particular gentleman:

1.	What is your immediate reaction upon seeing your date? How do you feel? Do you find him physically attractive and inviting? Does he appear to take care of himself and have good grooming and hygiene?
2.	Does he maintain eye contact with you as he speaks or is he looking around the room at the other guys (very disrespectful!)?
3.	Does he appear attentive and genuinely interested in what you have to say? Notice his body posture and whether it’s open or closed.
4.	Does he display a good sense of humor and is he able to laugh, relax, and have fun with your interaction? Does he exhibit good verbal and social skills or seem stiff and have difficulty maintaining and initiating conversations?
5.	Is there a good balance between his talking about himself vs. his asking you questions about yourself? Or does he monopolize the time talking only about his life? Or does he not engage in any self-disclosure at all?
6.	How are his manners? Is he polite, thoughtful, and considerate? Based on your first impression of his manners, would Mom approve of his behavior? Do you feel comfortable being with him or do you experience embarrassment by his behavior?
7.	What does he talk about? Notice any themes? Does he seem positive and upbeat or negative and pessimistic? When he talks, does he seem judgmental, petty, and put down other people or himself?
8.	Does he seem to have goals, aspirations, and ambitions? Does he exude excitement about life and possibilities? Is he passionate? How well-rounded does he seem? Does he have varied interests and hobbies, have an active lifestyle and seem reasonably intelligent and able to converse about a variety of topics and current events?
9.	Does he place a lot of emphasis on sex during your time together? If so, this may be a priority for him and it’ll be important to ensure what type of relationship he’s seeking (casual sex or dating) so you can decide if this fits with your needs.
10.	At the end of the date, how would you rate the experience and your interest on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the highest? Is there chemistry? Do you feel drawn to him on multiple levels?

Food For Thought
There are, of course, many other questions and criteria you may have, but these points may be a good starting point to launch from on a first date. There tend to be three types of personality styles that men can bring to a first date situation. One are those men who are on their best behavior to try to impress you, gain your approval, or please you to compensate for perceived weaknesses they have so they can “snag” another date from you. Another type are those men who struggle with shyness, anxiety, and insecurity, so the behavior they display during the date may not actually be reflective of who they really are until they feel more comfortable. And then there are those who present their “real self”, an accurate portrayal of who they really are. It may be helpful to keep this in mind when deciding about whether to transition into an exit or for an invitation for another date.

Conclusion
Knowing who you are and being clear on what you want is critical during your time in the dating pool. This knowledge will take you far in weeding out those men who may not be particularly good matches for you and will save you a lot of time, energy, and frustration. You may need several dates with someone to assess their potential and you may find during the process that some of these men may be more suitable as friends—another addition to your support network!

Thinking too much about these questions can be distracting, so try to avoid being “too much in your head” during the date. Analyzing and being too cognitive will take away from your date, causing you to miss certain cues during the interaction that would be important and lead you to not focus on being a good listener. Be fully present with your date and enjoy the experience, no matter how it turns out because you will have still learned something. Additionally, try to turn the above questions back on yourself and assess how these factors apply to your style. These questions may provide clues about the areas of your life and personality that are strengths and weaknesses and can be a tool to help you develop goals for self-improvement to make yourself even more “dateable!” In a future newsletter, we’ll examine additional questions and assessment guidelines to ponder as you begin to delve into a dating relationship with a man to determine life partner status potential, but in the meantime make sure you’ve crafted your relationship vision and plan and cheers to your dating success!

*References:	Steele, David (2002). Relationship Coaching Institute.
	www.relationshipcoachinginstitute.com and www.consciousdating.org.

© 2005 Brian L. Rzepczynski

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Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.

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Dear Coach:

I really need your advice. I met this guy at my university. He’s very kind, handsome, and totally irresistible and I can’t help being attracted to him. We’ve been sleeping together now for the past couple of days. Unfortunately, I’m not sure if he’s gay or not in the first place or if he even likes me back. How can I find this out? And what should I do in order to make our relationship stronger?

Smitten

Dear Smitten:

I’m excited to hear about your good news in having met a guy that you’re interested in. Your enthusiasm really comes through—enjoy! Since the two of you have been intimate on a number of occasions, it’s probably safe to assume he’s gay or bisexual (though there are exceptions!). The key now is for the two of you to get to know each other better to determine true compatibility. His repeated contacts with you also indicate that he, too, is likely attracted to you and enjoys sharing the experiences you’ve had thus far. Does he like you? It would appear so based on his actions. To the degree he likes you and whether his interest in you is purely sexual or more dating/relationship-oriented is more difficult to gauge at this juncture.

My first recommendation to you is to enjoy what’s happening to you. Relax and try to live in the moment and be fully present in what’s happening rather than over-thinking about “what could be.” Too often when we meet someone we really click well with, we have the tendency to let our excitement cloud our better judgment and we may say or do things that could sabotage what could’ve been the potential for a good relationship because we got too ahead of ourselves and think we have to do what we can to ensure he doesn’t “slip away”. This sense of urgency could come across as desperation, so go slow and let the relationship evolve naturally. Thinking too much about your hopes and fantasies of being boyfriends could also prevent you from seeing signs in him that indicate he could be a “Mr. Wrong” for you because you’re distracted. So ease up the reigns and relax into just having fun and getting to know this new guy. It’s important not to define your time together solely around sex; balance this with shared activities and communication so you each can get a more well-rounded knowledge of each other.

Most important is knowing yourself and what you need and want in a partner, a relationship, and in your future. What are your personal needs and requirements? What are your values? What characteristics and traits are you looking for in a man? Developing this vision will help guide you through the dating process to ensure you screen men accurately for their possible compatibility potential; you’ll save a lot of time and heartache doing this work first. Make sure you’re “dateable” also. Work on having the best self-esteem you can, tie up any loose emotional baggage from the past you may have, improve your social skills and confidence, build a solid support system, and maintain an active lifestyle that brings a sense of purpose and passion to your life.

Finally, after some time has passed and you’ve both had a chance to really learn about each other, have become good friends, and you believe he fits the profile of your “boyfriend vision”, tell him how you feel. While you don’t want to rush intimacy and need to pace the development of your relationship, it’s important you both communicate about how you’re feeling and what you need and want. As you get to know him, find out what he’s looking for (a friend, a friend with sexual benefits, casual dating of multiple people, exclusive dating leading to a relationship, etc.) and if you both match what you’re looking for, tell him directly of your interest in him. The worst he can say is “no.” If he runs after hearing this, it’s important you know this sooner than later and you’re the better for it because you learned he’s not capable of the maturity needed for sharing feelings in a relationship. You deserve someone who will care for you the way you do him. Conversely, if you say nothing and wait for him to declare his feelings (which he may never do out of his own nervousness or other reasons), you could be depriving yourself of a relationship that really could have been. Always take charge of your life and be direct.

All my best to you with this challenging decision! While this all seems overwhelming to you now, try to reframe what you’re experiencing as a golden opportunity for you to now craft the kind of life that you’ve always wanted and go for it!

I wish you all the success! Enjoy!

--The Gay Love Coach

This section is dedicated to you members/subscribers where you can offer your own tips and insights, as well as make announcements for resources pertaining to gay dating and relationships that you know of that would be of benefit to us all! Please feel free to forward these for possible inclusion to brian@thegaylovecoach.com.

If you would like to donate resources to help those affected by Hurricane Katrina or would like to find a way to volunteer your services, contact the American Red Cross at http://www.redcross.org.

*A special fund has been set up with the help of the Red Cross and EqualitySource to help LGBT individuals, couples, families, communities, and organizations in New Orleans to rehabilitate their lives in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. Visit the site at http://www.EqualitySource.org. for more information or to make a donation if you choose.

Single Gay Men’s Conference in Saugatuck, Michigan: November 3-6, 2005. Workshops on various topics related to gay singles, dances, social activities. For more information or to register for the event, visit the website at http://www.smsgathering.com.

Disclaimer: The Gay Love Coach does not represent or endorse the quality of any products, information, or materials displayed, purchased, or obtained by you as a result of its mention in this newsletter. It’s common sense to do your own due diligence before purchasing a product.

Copyright © 2005 Brian L. Rzepczynski. All Rights Reserved.