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Hi guys!

Where did the summer go? Jeez! I’m still struggling with that transition from wearing shorts to jeans and sweatshirts! But October is one of my favorite months with lots going on!

My partner and I celebrate our 6-year anniversary together this month (Yay!), this is my birthday month (AAGH!), and Halloween is one of my favorite holidays to celebrate. My house is already decorated to the hilt with fibre-optic pumpkins and witches to commemorate the occasion; it’s so much fun!

I hope your lives are full and satisfying. Halloween is one time of the year that society allows us adults the opportunity to let loose,
experiment with different forms of expression, and have fun. I hope you’re able to make the most of that. Wouldn’t it be something if we could give ourselves permission to be uninhibited and free all year long on a responsible level (of course!)? Able to express our unique individualities, true needs and preferences, and be REAL without concern for the opinions and judgments of others? As gay men, that would certainly be liberating. Just a thought to ponder…

I hope you enjoy the contents of this month’s newsletter and please help spread the word about it! The bigger our community gets the more people we can all help and support together. Keep those questions and feedback coming to brian@thegaylovecoach.com. I love hearing from you!

My best wishes,
Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
Certified Personal Life Coach

“Calming the Storm in Your Relationship”
By Brian Rzepczynski, the Gay Love Coach

Introduction
Conflict in relationships is inevitable. Put two men together with their own sets of needs, values, personality traits, and life histories/experiences and you have a fertile ground for potential differences to cause clashes. This is normal and a necessary precursor for growth in your relationship with your boyfriend or partner. Anger is a common emotion that emerges during conflict. While conflict and anger are normal aspects of building and maintaining a relationship with someone, there are right and wrong ways to manage them. This article will address some ways to defuse anger in your disagreements with your lover to ensure a more positive environment to go about negotiating your differences.

Anger Management 101
It’s important to realize that when two people are angry with each other, very little of productive significance will come from these interactions because emotions are high and listening skills tend to be overshadowed by defensiveness. Though cliché, the statement “Anger is ok, it’s what you do with it that counts” is very pertinent here. During conflicts with your partner, you are ultimately responsible for your own feelings and anger. Your partner does not make you angry; you choose how you are going to react, regardless of the contributing factors. The goal is to create an atmosphere where you and your boyfriend can have a constructive communication session free of volatile emotions and where you each can feel heard equally.

No More Drama
One of the most effective ways to defuse an angry situation is to call a Time-Out. In much the same way that children are disciplined with Time-Outs to calm down and regain behavioral control, we adults also benefit from this type of cool-down period as well. The strategy is
simple, but only works if you and your partner agree to its execution beforehand and follow through with it to completion.

Whenever you feel your anger flare-up to the point where you are unable to be attentive to your partner or be fully present, announce your need for a Time-Out. Before leaving, schedule a time that you and he can reconvene to address your issues then. Reactivity can damage relationships, and by postponing your response until after you’ve had a chance to regroup and center yourself, you’re increasing your chances for being able to communicate more effectively. You’re also not avoiding the problem, just delaying it until both of you can more readily attend to the issue at hand. It’s also important not to follow each other once a Time-Out has been called because this defeats the purpose; respect your partner’s need for space and feel reassured in the knowledge that you will discuss your issues at a later time. In essence, when you call a Time-Out, you are really saying to your lover, “I care enough about you and our relationship to discuss this issue at a later time when I’m able to really listen to you and hear your needs and concerns. My anger right now interferes with that ability.” This communication technique, which is commonly taught in couple’s therapy, works best when applied consistently.

More Anger Coping Tips
1. Identify your personal triggers to anger. Pay close attention to
the body signals you receive that alert you to anger arousal, the
situations that upset you to help highlight patterns, and the
thoughts you have that fuel anger and emotional upset.

2. Practice relaxation techniques (deep breathing, visualization,
progressive muscle relaxation, meditation, etc.) and don’t forget
the importance of regular exercise in managing stress.

3. Distraction techniques can be helpful during your Time-Out, such as
journaling, reading a book, listening to music, playing video
games, talking to a friend, taking a hot bath, going for a walk,
etc. Do something self-soothing.

4. Develop affirmations and positive self-talk to help coach yourself
through difficult anger-producing situations.

5. Try writing your partner a letter before you have your talk to
discharge negative emotion and perhaps develop a better perspective
on the situation that upset you. Destroy the letter when finished.

6. Get in the habit of expressing your needs and feelings directly and
assertively in as close to the moment as you can. Stuffing
feelings only leads to a stockpiling effect of “unfinished
business”; this, in turn, creates hidden resentments and can take a
toll on your health and relationship.

Conclusion
Anger and conflict are a natural part of any relationship and must be handled carefully to protect the trust and intimacy of your partnership. The important thing to remember is to avoid reactivity and to stop and think before acting to help cultivate a more responsible and focused dialogue with your partner. Anger is commonly
the result of an unmet need, a perceived threat, or a symptom of depression, among other things. Trying to uncover its origins first, avoiding placing blame, and viewing your disagreement as an opportunity to work together as a team in creating a win/win solution to your challenges will go a long way in helping you to accomplish your relationship goals.

© 2004 Brian L. Rzepczynski

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Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the
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Dear Coach,
I have recently returned from Iraq and for some reason I have these little red splotches on my penis. My partner believes it is because I was not being faithful in my absence, but I really was. He won’t have sex with me now and it’s very difficult! What do you think the rash might be? What am I to do? Please help.
Concerned

Dear Concerned:
Thanks for your letter, and welcome home! Glad that you’re back safe and sound!

I can most certainly appreciate your dilemma. After having been apart from your partner for what I imagine has been quite some time, sharing some intimacy with him is probably at the top of your list. It’s very unfortunate that your rash has come between the two of you and has spoiled your homecoming. It must be extremely frustrating! Without knowing much about the history of your relationship that you and your partner share, I can offer a few tips that I hope will be of some help to getting your relationship back on track.

Firstly, it is very important that you make an appointment with a physician to make an accurate diagnosis of your medical condition. I am not a medical doctor, so determining what your rash is can only be confirmed by an MD. While the location of your rash could cause one to assume a sexually transmitted disease, it is very possible that it could be something of other origins. Having been in Iraq, you may have been exposed to some toxins that caused some type of skin disorder or irritation, or there may have been a pre-existing condition that was lying dormant until now. The point is that it’s important not to make assumptions and to make your health the number one priority by visiting a doctor immediately, for both your sake and your partner’s.
The other important tip I can offer is that you must not rush or pressure your partner. Trust can’t be rushed, and if he has had a past history of broken trust experiences, he will likely be very hypersensitive and guarded to what you’re presenting with now. As frustrating as it is for you, you must realize that you cannot change his perceptions or make him believe you; in fact, the more you attempt to convince him of your innocence, it may actually inspire more defensiveness in him. Handle him with care now and keep your own emotions in check; allow him time to process his feelings.
There are some things you can try to do, however, to help the situation as best you can. I would recommend taking the emphasis off of the sex in your relationship and instead focus on more nonsexual expressions of intimacy. Be more attentive to him, emphasize more affection, and surprise him with creative declarations of how you feel about him. This, combined with empathizing with and validating his feelings, may help facilitate the gradual process of his feeling more trusting toward you and renewing the positive feelings he has about you and your relationship together. If things continue to be strained between the two of you after you’ve tried these strategies, you might consider seeking the assistance of a trained couple’s therapist who specializes in gay relationship issues.

I wish you all the best with this and my fingers are crossed for you that your situation improves quickly!
--The Gay Love Coach

This section is dedicated to you members/subscribers where you can offer your own tips and insights, as well as make announcements for resources pertaining to gay dating and relationships that you know of that would be of benefit to us all! Please feel free to forward these for possible inclusion to brian@thegaylovecoach.com.

Following along with the theme of anger management issues as discussed in today’s feature article, below are a few books and resources that you might find helpful if you’re looking to expand your knowledge about anger:

“The Basics of Anger”, by Gary McKay, PhD is a booklet published
by CMTI Press that is a great, quick read on coping with anger.
Contact the publisher direct at (305) 345-7057 for ordering info.

“Tools for Anger Work-Out”, by James J. Messina, PhD, published
by Kendall/Hunt Publishing Co.

“When Anger Hurts: Quieting the Storm Within”, by Matthew McKay,
Peter Rogers, and Judith McKay published by New Harbinger
Publications, Inc.

Check out the site www.angriesout.com for articles on anger.

Disclaimer: The Gay Love Coach does not represent or endorse the quality of any products, information, or materials displayed, purchased, or obtained by you as a result of its mention in this newsletter. It’s common sense to do your own due diligence before purchasing a product.

Copyright © 2004 Brian L. Rzepczynski. All Rights Reserved.

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