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Hi guys!

Happy October! Time to swap those shorts and T-shirts for the jeans and sweaters (although I’m still rebelling), grab those rakes, and hang up those Halloween decorations. It’s that time of year again! Enjoy and make the most of it!

My partner and I just celebrated Year #7 together this month, woohoo! Gotta give that guy credit for putting up with me all these years, I love you, babe! It’s my birthday this month too (shriek in the background) and I’m totally excited about Madonna’s new CD coming out next month (I’m a HUGE fan!). So lots happening and always an adventure!

Last month, I announced that there was going to be a Single Gay Men’s Conference in Saugatuck, Michigan in November. I just received word that unfortunately the event has been cancelled this year and is being postponed until Fall 2006. You can still register for it at http://www.smsgathering.com and I’ll keep you posted about it as the year progresses.

That’s about all the goings-on for this month. Be sure to check out the Resources section of the newsletter for more upcoming events. Please feel free to forward any news, tips, conferences, or activities to me for possible inclusion in upcoming newsletters. Have a great month, guys, and trick or treat!

All my best,
Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
Certified Personal Life Coach
brian@thegaylovecoach.com

“Intimacy Freak-Out & Gay Men; Part 2”
by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

Introduction
This is the second installment in a 2-part article series about struggles with intimacy that are relatively common in gay relationships. In Part 1 of the series, “intimacy freak-out” was defined and the reasons why gay men are prone to this phenomenon were discussed. This article will address some of the common intimacy fears that could block your potential for true connection with your partner and will offer some tips for enhancing your comfort with intimacy to help you achieve ultimate relationship bliss!

The “Freak-Out” Checklist
In my training and work with gay men, I have found some common intimacy fears that can prevent us from experiencing the depths of fulfillment that love can offer. Take a look through this list of fears to determine if there may be anything getting in the way of your ability to be uninhibited and free with your lover. Identifying your emotional blocks to intimacy is the first step toward freeing yourself from their grip. Add your own to the list.

_____	fear of abandonment
_____	fear of rejection and being neglected
_____	fear of engulfment or being suffocated/smothered
_____	fear of loss of control
_____	threatened by loss of personal freedom
_____	fear of being disappointed or “let down” by partner
_____	low self-esteem, fears of not being “good enough”
_____	fear of affection and sex
_____	fear of exposure, of being known for who you really are
_____	difficulties with trust
_____	difficulties expressing one’s emotions/feelings
_____	fear of failure
_____	other

Self-Analysis
As you can see, any one of the above intimacy fears can stifle you to the point that you’re not fully able to be “at one” with a partner because you’re holding yourself back. Fear may be too strong a word for some of the items---any hint of uneasiness or discomfort is indicative of an “issue” of some form. While it’s important to have boundaries and protect yourself from emotional harm, these characteristics can act as a barrier to experiencing love to its fullest capacity if they become a patterned response.

In addition to these fears, it might be helpful to examine some of the contributing factors that led to the anxiety in the first place. Here are some questions to ponder to get you started in looking at how the difficulties with intimacy you may have could have developed.

•	How did your parents show affection and intimacy when you were growing up?
•	Any childhood wounds, abuse, or loss from the past that make relationships difficult?
•	Any unresolved family-of-origin issues that create baggage for you?
•	Are you unable to grieve and “let go” of the break-up of a prior relationship?
•	How about internalized homophobia? Low self-esteem?
•	Any negative experiences with other males growing up that left an imprint on you?

Whether you’re partnered or single, knowledge of your intimacy blocks and contributing factors can help armor you in defeating them so you can have the most ultimate relationship possible.

Become An Intimacy Champ
So you want to be a pro at this intimacy stuff and really super-charge your relationship and knock your partner’s socks off? While it won’t happen overnight, with persistent practice of the following tips, you’ll begin to see a positive evolution take place in your relationship with more connection and emotional intimacy.

What You Can Do As An Individual

•	Face your anxiety head-on. The more you run from it, the stronger hold it’ll have on you. Learn and practice relaxation techniques to calm and soothe you.
•	Identify your triggers. How are your “freak-out” symptoms manifested and under what conditions?
•	Combat your male gender socialization script by becoming more proficient in emotional intelligence and expression.
•	Develop positive self-esteem and confidence through taking risks to further your personal growth and work aggressively at defeating any internalized homophobia.
•	Identify any negative, limiting beliefs you may have about relationships, masculinity, and being gay and counter them with new, affirming messages. Read up on cognitive restructuring techniques for help with this.
•	Gain closure on unfinished business from the past. Your past doesn’t have to keep you stuck, no matter how traumatic it may have been. You have the power to shape a new destiny.

 

What You Can Do As A Couple

•	Make your relationship the number one priority in your lives. Devote lots of quality time together and protect your partnership from competing outside sources.
•	Build a relationship tool-box filled with skills in communication, conflict negotiation, boundaries, and problem-solving.
•	Cultivate a hot sex life together, filled with creativity and passion.
•	Develop a shared vision and goals for the future together as a couple.
•	Give each other frequent “positive strokes,” appreciate each other for who you are, share your feelings, take responsibility for your issues, and practice the art of forgiveness.

Conclusion
Through a relationship with another man who is just as motivated as you to nurture a positive connection on all levels, you too can experience one of the most powerful and healing forces life has to offer. It’ll mean confronting some of your anxieties directly and being receptive to encountering a wide range of emotions and experiences. It’s worth it! After all, the road to gay self-acceptance and happiness has been hard enough to then rob yourself of one of life’s most precious gifts; you shouldn’t have to sacrifice what’s rightfully yours to claim and enjoy. You deserve love! Cheers to your intimacy quest!

*References:

The term “intimacy freak-out” taken from Crowell,Al(1995). I’d Rather Be Married: Finding Your Future Spouse. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

© 2005 Brian L. Rzepczynski

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Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.

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Dear Coach:

I am a gay man with two significant others. I met my first partner seven years ago on a business trip out-of-state. We hit it off immediately and he relocated to live with me two months later. None of my friends and family was particularly supportive of our relationship initially because of the way it all started, but seven years later we are completely committed to each other and are life partners. Four years ago, the two of us moved due to a job relocation. It was about this time that he and I decided to begin playing around with other guys as a way to add some sexual spice to our relationship. We only did it together and the intent was solely for pleasurable sex; “no emotional attachments allowed” was our rule. One of our “tricks”, who happens to be eighteen years our junior, became a regular three-way participant with us and over time we all developed feelings for each other. We didn’t plan on that happening, but it just evolved over time. He moved in with us, and while there was an initial tense adjustment period, we’re very happy and committed to each other, having just celebrated our 3-year anniversary as a threesome. We have our conflicts periodically, but overall it’s very fulfilling. Having added a third significant other to the mix makes me feel like I’m in a family; each of my guys has different qualities that I find attractive and we all share the domestic responsibilities and enjoy the added disposable income.

As complex as the gay couple relationship is, I find additional and unique challenges having added a third person. In addition to being gay, living in a society that presents gay couples with obstacles, having age differences amongst us, and having cultural challenges as well (both my husbands are Latino men and I’m Caucasian), I’ve found little guidance on three-person relationships. Do you have any advice for a gay man who wishes to keep his 3-way relationship strong and his partners happy?

One Plus One Equals Three

Dear One Plus One Equals Three:

You are right, my friend! There’s not a whole lot of information or resources out there for people in long-term threesome relationships, so I guess you could say that you’re pioneers of sorts. Of course polyamory, the practice of loving more than one partner in an intimate relationship, has existed since time began and is more accepted in certain cultures than others. In our society, this type of relationship is stigmatized and frowned upon, thereby offering little education or assistance in how to maintain healthy partnerships in this kind of relationship style. You might find a little bit of information pertaining to bisexual relationship functioning where there are three individuals, but this is scarce. And three gay men? Nothing to my knowledge. This appears to be an untapped area of research in the literature, so kudos to any aspiring sociologists or social psychologists looking for new research projects! Here’s a hot topic for you! In all honesty, I have not encountered a threesome gay relationship in my clinical work but I will share with you some tips and suggestions for sustaining what appears to be a very satisfying relationship that you all have worked hard to nurture and preserve. And you’re not alone; there are many others in long-term three-way relationships out there too, they’re just more hidden and concealed from view. In much the same way homosexuality was once disguised, so too are polyamourous relationships because of the negative sanctions imposed by our culture against them.

My hat is off to the three of you for being able to conquer the odds by cultivating a long-term threesome partnership. Gay relationships are challenging enough with two people, but with three individuals, the dynamics become amplified. This kind of relationship poses many hidden threats and potential for conflict and requires an aggressive commitment to staying on top of all the issues inherent in this relationship style and attention to everyone’s needs in a balanced and equal way. Feelings of jealousy, competition, struggles over power and control with decision-making, difficulties with privacy, space, and independence, and imbalances of attentiveness toward each other are just a handful of the possible dynamics that could arise in such partnerships. Then there’s being able to negotiate domestic responsibilities, finances, sexual needs, future life-planning and goals and juggling not only the developmental tasks that all relationships go through, but also helping each partner go through his own individual identity transformations and challenges with career, mental health/well-being, aging, spirituality, and family issues, to only name a few. Then there’s having to contend with possible discrimination and prejudice from others at having a non-traditional relationship times 2 (or 3!) and deciding as a unit how “out” you will be with your relationship to each other’s families, jobs, friends, and society at large. Then, as you said, there are age and cultural differences to overcome as well. As you can see, which I’m sure you’ve already experienced, there’s a lot of devotion and hard work that’s needed to avoid succumbing to the stress and interpersonal conflicts that can arise so that your energies can be channeled toward meeting each other’s emotional needs instead.

However, despite the obstacles and added challenges, this type of relationship does lend forth some very positive benefits. Three-way relationships are not for everyone, but they can provide a sense of community and family unlike anything else. The reciprocal sharing of household duties, enhanced emotional and financial security, not to mention more variety and spice in the bedroom can also be added bonuses. And let’s just say this…there’s probably never a dull moment at your house! The added stimulation of a third person in all aspects of your relationship world can make life more interesting and vibrant. Without going too deeply into the psychology of our partner and relationship choices, it might be helpful for you to examine if there are any underlying issues and dynamics that prompted you and your partner to open your relationship up into a three-way arrangement in the first place. While it sounds like you’ve been able to successfully sustain your relationship long-term, are there any masked issues or feelings that may have been kept at bay all this time that need attention so as not to sabotage your growth personally or your relationship?

So how can you maintain a happy threesome lifestyle over the long haul? It’s important to utilize all your skills from your relationship toolbox consciously and consistently. It’s critical that your communication skills are finely-tuned and that you all master the art of active listening, empathy, and validation to make your interactions and dialogues run more smoothly. Anger management, conflict resolution, and problem-solving skills will be important for your relationship to survive the differences you will likely experience and that you have equal decision-making power. The ability to share, set boundaries, and assert yourselves will also be key to a happy home-life. Ensure that all of you are receiving equal amounts of attention and affection and that you gain a clear understanding of each other’s strengths, weaknesses, and personality styles in navigating through issues. Develop “relationship rules” that you all agree to abide by. Create a home environment where everybody is comfortable approaching each other about anything and everything and everyone’s voice is respected and heard. Avoid creating alliances and power hierarchies in the relationship against each other and instead foster cooperation and teamwork. Spend lots of quality time together. Consider creating a scrapbook that the three of you can do together to commemorate your lives together that you keep adding to as the years go on to create more of a bonding and binding effect with each other. And because there does appear to be such a scarcity of support networks and resources out there, the three of you might consider starting your own online forum or club catering specifically to gay men in three-way relationships, and then market it! You could create your own national organization if you wanted to, or just start locally by posting an ad in the personals section of your gay newspapers for other guys in threesome relationships for friends and social activity. Be creative and surround yourselves with positive, supportive people.

I hope you find some of these suggestions applicable to your situation.
I wish you guys the best with your relationship journey!

--The Gay Love Coach

This section is dedicated to you members/subscribers where you can offer your own tips and insights, as well as make announcements for resources pertaining to gay dating and relationships that you know of that would be of benefit to us all! Please feel free to forward these for possible inclusion to brian@thegaylovecoach.com.

•	In line with this month’s advice column topic, let me put a feeler out there and ask for any other tips, advice, or suggestions you may have about long-term threesome relationships to assist our letter-writer or any other guys out there in 3-way partnerships. How do you make the relationship work? Are there resources out there that you know of that you could share? What are your thoughts and feelings about three-way relationships? Thanks!
•	Not much time to jump on this, but The National Gay Men’s Health Summit 2005 will be held October 19-23 in Salt Lake City, Utah. The event will sponsor over 100 workshops covering the spectrum of gay issues, including health, relationships, and socio-political topics. Check out the website at http://www.ngmhs2005.com to register.
•	Don’t forget…October 11 is “International Coming Out Day”, the day to celebrate and affirm our sexuality as an LGBT community. Show your Pride!
•	Single Gay Men’s Conference in Saugatuck, Michigan: October 2006. Workshops on various topics related to gay singles, dances, social activities. For more information or to register for the event, visit the website at http://www.smsgathering.com.
•	The National Gay & Lesbian Task Force is hosting the 18th Annual Creating Change Conference in Oakland, California on November 9-13. Workshops and trainings, activites, and an expo will be part of the event. Visit http://www.thetaskforce.org/ourprojects/cc/index.cfm for more details.

Disclaimer: The Gay Love Coach does not represent or endorse the quality of any products, information, or materials displayed, purchased, or obtained by you as a result of its mention in this newsletter. It’s common sense to do your own due diligence before purchasing a product.

Copyright © 2005 Brian L. Rzepczynski. All Rights Reserved.