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Hi guys!

I hope all of you are having a great month so far and that you’re not too bogged down with raking all those leaves! I know I am! Autumn is well on its way!

I’m excited to report that I’ve been invited to write a chapter in an upcoming book from the personal development book series “A Guide to Getting It” that is due to be published early next year. I, along with nine other life coaches, will be contributing to the upcoming book about life purpose and passion. I’m very pumped about this project as I’ve always wanted to be an official published book author, and I’m planning on this being a great learning experience and precursor to writing my own books on gay issues someday soon. So wish me luck and I’ll keep you posted on its development!

I’d love to hear about some of your successes and possible ideas/contributions for this newsletter to make it more valuable for you. I love hearing from my readers, so please keep those letters coming to brian@thegaylovecoach.com. I wish you all an enjoyable and safe Thanksgiving holiday!

My best wishes,
Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
Certified Personal Life Coach

“Gay, Single, & Loving It”
by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

Introduction
We live in a society that places high value and expectation on being in a coupled relationship and singles are often stigmatized for their single-status. Gay men, in particular, are often labeled as being unable to develop and maintain long-lasting intimate relationships, adding yet another layer to this stigma. This can lead to feelings of low self-worth and inferiority, a sense that there’s something wrong with you if you don’t have a boyfriend, an excessive focus and preoccupation with your discontent with being single, and sometimes a compulsive drive to find a relationship just to satisfy that nagging need (which can be a dangerous and sabotaging maneuver if one’s dating practices are conducted out of desperation rather than conscious intention).

For those who have not chosen singlehood as a lifestyle and do long to be in a relationship, this can be a painfully difficult experience. Special occasions, holidays, weddings, times of loneliness, and just witnessing other couples can be very triggering events for singles that serve to magnify their restlessness and unfulfillment with being solo. What these types of single gay men need most is a reassurance and recognition that this phase of life can be one of the most enjoyable and transformational times of their lives if they choose it to be. This article will validate the positive values of being single and will offer some suggestions for making the most of your single life.

The Benefits of Being Single
Singlehood is the time in your life where you have the greatest degree of flexibility and freedom to do whatever you want. You can be more spontaneous, independent, selfish, and adventurous because there can be less commitments and more time to pursue the things you want to do; you can make your life into anything that you want it to be as you’re completely in “the driver’s seat.” You have the ability to enter in and out of situations with relative ease and to meet a variety of new people. You are responsible only for yourself and can make choices and major decisions without having to take another into account or to have to answer to anyone. You don’t have to deal with another’s annoying habits or nuances and don’t have to compromise. Other aspects of your identity (career, family, friends, etc.) can have more emphasis as there’s less competition for your focus and attentions.

More importantly, though, being single puts you in the ideal position for cultivating yourself to reach your fullest potential as an individual. It’s an opportunity for self-exploration and investing in your own personal growth and development. It’s also an ideal time to learn what’s needed to be fully prepared for love when you find it, to experiment safely with your sexuality, and to explore different types of relationships. It’s fertile ground for learning about who you are and what your needs are. Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. says it best in his book “Keeping the Love You Find”:
“Singleness would be recognized as a vital stage of the journey
to maturation, a time to learn about who we are, to learn
responsibility and self-sufficiency, to identify our true
desires, and to confront our inner strengths and demons, a time
to make changes in the things that stymie our pleasure and
progress in life, to learn how to connect and communicate on all
levels. It would be sorely needed relationship training.” (1)

Action Steps for Navigating Your Single Life
The following are some practical tips and suggestions for managing your singlehood to promote a positive acceptance and enjoyment of this special time in your life.

1. Create a checklist of the opportunities that being single affords you and start living them!

2. Start a journal about your single-status and what it means to
you. Answer the following questions:

• Why am I single? How do I feel about that?
• What do I want from being single?
• What thoughts, feelings, and behaviors hold me back from being able to embrace this time of my life?
• How do I contribute to my own unfulfillment with being single? How do I sabotage myself?

Don’t deny your feelings or ignore your desire for a relationship. Process these feelings in your journal and write about ways you can create more meaning and purpose in your life.

3. Identify the biggest challenges you face with being single and
develop goals to defeat them.

4. Develop affirmation cards. Grab some index cards and write
positive thoughts, motivational statements, advantages and opportunities of being single, and self-improvement goals onto the cards. Read them to yourself daily to begin internalizing the messages. Alternatively, stick the cards in a jar and during times of loneliness or depressive funks, refer to the cards for a quick pick-me-up.

5. Identify things you’ve always been meaning to do or try but
never made the time to pursue or learn. Take action.

6. Build your support system, join a class, volunteer for a cause
that’s meaningful to you, commit yourself to health and wellness.
Be active. Live your life to the max! Make it count!

Conclusion
As you can see, being single provides you with many opportunities for self-growth, fun, and preparing yourself for your life partner when you eventually meet him. Take advantage of this crucial time in your life to accomplish your life goals, improve your self-esteem, work through any internalized homophobia you may be struggling with, and build your interpersonal skills. It’s important to avoid glamorizing relationships because “the grass is not always greener on the other side” and to realize that having a boyfriend does not take away problems that you may already have in your life. Appreciate this time of your life and don’t measure your happiness or worth as a person on your relationship status.

The Law of Attraction states that we attract situations, people, and experiences in our lives that reflect who we are and what we focus on. Negativity about being single will only mirror, magnify, and attract more negativity. Counter this by taking charge of your single life and crafting it into being the most meaningful and fulfilling time of your life with its alignment to your life vision and purpose. Cheers to your becoming a successful single!

(1) Hendrix, H. (1992). Keeping the Love You Find. New York: Pocket Books/Simon & Schuster, Inc.

© 2004 Brian L. Rzepczynski

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEBSITE? This article can be reprinted freely online, as long as the entire article and this resource box are included:

Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the
FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.

Please also include with the article the words © Copyright and prominently display a link to our main page at the end of the article. Any feedback would be appreciated and can be sent to brian@thegaylovecoach.com. Thank you!

No letters this month.

With there being no gay singles advice letters being submitted this month, I thought I would include a handy tip sheet here in this section. I am a licensed relationship coach through The Relationship Coaching Institute (www.RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com) and what follows is a handout from the Conscious Dating website from this organization (www.consciousdating.org) that outlines some informative information that you singles can apply to your dating lives. Enjoy!

Ten Principles of Conscious Dating

1. Know who you are and what you want.
Like an iceberg, we are typically aware only of the tip, while our success and happiness depends upon what lies below the surface.

2. Learn how to get what you want.
Assess the information, tools, and skills you will need and acquire them. Develop creative strategies and action plans.
“When you fail to plan, you plan to fail.”

3. Be the “Chooser.”
Take initiative and responsibility for your outcomes. Don’t react to what, or who, chooses you. Seek to create what you want in your life.

4. Balance your heart with your head.
Make your relationship choices consciously. It’s still exciting!

5. Be ready and available for commitment.
Live your life and bring your dating strategy into alignment with how ready you really are for a committed relationship.

6. Use the “Law Of Attraction.”
Be the partner that you are seeking. Attract the partner that you want by developing yourself and living the life that you want. “If you build it, they will come.”

7. Gain relationship knowledge and skills.
Prepare for the love of your life by learning about relationships, improving your relationship skills, and deepening your relationships with your family, friends, and colleagues. Date for fun and practice. Take more emotional risks. Read about relationships. Get relationship coaching. Take relationship classes and workshops.

8. Create a support community.
Isolated singles become lonely in their relationships when they focus on a partner to meet all their social and emotional needs.

9. Practice assertiveness.
To get what you really want, you need to say “No” to what you don’t want.

10. Be a “Successful Single.”
Don’t put your life on hold waiting for a relationship to
happen. Live your life vision and purpose while you are single. The best way to find your life partner is to be a happy, successful single person living the life you really want.

Taken from http://www.consciousdating.org. Feel free to log in and sign up as a member at that website to cruise some of the dating material that’s posted there.

This section is dedicated to you members/subscribers where you can offer your own tips and insights, as well as make announcements for resources pertaining to gay dating and relationships that you know of that would be of benefit to us all! Please feel free to forward these for possible inclusion to brian@thegaylovecoach.com.

In today’s feature article, I quoted a section of a book that I am writing about in this section to highly recommend as an addition to every single person’s bookshelf. Harville Hendrix’s “Keeping the Love You Find” is an excellent resource for singles in helping you learn how to make positive changes in your life to achieve the kind of love relationship you are seeking. While it’s written primarily for a heterosexual audience, it is also quoted in the book that gays and lesbians can benefit from the reading as well.

If you’ve ever wondered why you seem to be attracting the same type of guy over and over again or why your past relationships haven’t turned out the way you had hoped, this powerful book will help explain that and point you in the direction of how to transform yourself into a new way of living to promote more successful dating on the quest to finding your true life partner. It can be quite deep at times, but it is one of the best books I’ve read that explains the intricacies of relationships, how childhood wounds and past experiences shape your partner selections, and takes you through many written exercises to help you understand your own patterns and how to break through them.
Highly recommended! You can find it at any bookstore in the self-help section or through any book distributorship.

Disclaimer: The Gay Love Coach does not represent or endorse the quality of any products, information, or materials displayed, purchased, or obtained by you as a result of its mention in this newsletter. It’s common sense to do your own due diligence before purchasing a product.

Copyright © 2004 Brian L. Rzepczynski. All Rights Reserved.