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Hi guys!

Happy Thanksgiving to you! Not much to report on this end after a whirlwind October. My partner took me to the top of the John Hancock Building in Chicago for dinner to celebrate my birthday, and it was magical (you’re the best, Scott!)! I never get tired of that Chicago skyline at night with all those lights; my mom is successfully recuperating from surgery in an effort to stave off a near-stroke (I love you, Mom!); and Scott and I are proud parents of a new cat and have become masterful at mediating the conflicts between he and our other cat who’s not so happy about his arrival (no more cat fights, please!) Now the challenges for this month will be restraining myself from devouring all the left-over Halloween candy (it’s so dangerous, save me!) and preparing Thanksgiving dinner for my in-laws, as we’re hosting this year (they’ll be running for their lives, I’m sure!). Wish me luck!

I hope you enjoy this month’s newsletter. Check out the Useful Resources page on my website as there are some new additions to that section and stay tuned for a special holiday bonus in your e-mail box in the next few weeks. I wish you, your family, and your friends the best Turkey Day ever. Happy Holiday!

All my best,
Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
Certified Personal Life Coach
brian@thegaylovecoach.com

“The Boyfriend Evaluation: Getting To Know Him”
by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

Introduction
So you made it through the first date with this new guy and he’s intrigued you. You find him attractive, enjoyable to be around, and with the little bit of information you’ve been able to obtain at your first contact, he seems to meet some of your personal requirements and needs for a potential boyfriend thus far. So now what?

Now you’re about to embark upon the fine art of dating and courtship. Together, the two of you will begin the process of getting to know each other better through going out on dates for fun and recreation and learning about one another in a variety of different contexts and situations. Through this relationship-building process, you’ll slowly begin forming an emotional bond while gauging if the other is compatible with your visions for a life partner. Gaining this wisdom is only possible with experience and exposure to each other as you learn about each other’s preferences, personalities, needs, goals, dreams, etc.

This article will offer a checklist of qualities and characteristics to be on the lookout for as you’re forming your impressions about your new dating partner. This can help guide you in making sound decisions about your goodness-of-fit with him, as well as to guard against any “red flags” that you may stumble upon along the way so you don’t get embroiled into an unhealthy relationship.

First Things First
While this article is about examining traits in the guy you’re seeing to help you make good relationship choices, never forget that your dating success rests largely on yourself. This means that you’ve done the work necessary to have a stable, balanced lifestyle, have a strong sense of self-esteem and confidence, have put closure to unfinished business from the past, and have a clear vision of who you are, what you want, and what you stand for (both as an individual and for a life partner and relationship). This becomes your foundation for leading a fulfilling life and having the knowledge of your negotiable and non-negotiable needs for a lifelong lover that you’ll need as you date.

Secondly, keep those pants on and hormones in check! Unless you want to define your budding relationship solely by sex, jumping into bed too quickly can confuse and blur your assessment process. Sex does change things and you don’t want to sabotage a potentially good thing by being sexual too early before a foundation of trust, rapport, and security has been established between the two of you. So, down boy! It will be that much hotter when the time is right!

The Boyfriend Evaluation
The following are some questions you can ask yourself as you get acquainted with your boyfriend prospects as you date them. These characteristics can make or break a relationship; it all depends on what your personal requirements and ideals are that will indicate how much priority you’ll give to each of these items. This list is just a starting point—add your own for a more personalized touch. Whether you’ve been dating your guy for couple of days or for a number of months, keep your eyes peeled regarding some of the following:

•	Is he honest and does he demonstrate integrity? Does he do what he says he’s going to do? (eg. when he says he’s going to call you, does he promptly?)
•	Is he available to you, able to spend quality time with you, and make you a priority in his schedule?
•	Does he have friends, hobbies, or other outlets that make for a balanced lifestyle and individuality?
•	Does he strike a balance between having fun and attending to responsibilities in his life?
•	Rate his degree of affection, playfulness, and capacity for intimacy.
•	What’s your sexual compatibility like? What are his views on monogamy?
•	Does he seem interested in health and wellness and devote time for self-care and renewal?
•	What are his relationships like with his family?
•	How comfortable is he with being gay and what’s his level of “outness?”
•	Does he appear to have any mental health issues (depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, etc.) or addictions (alcohol/drugs, gambling, work, sex, food, etc.)?
•	How does he appear to handle his finances and how are his spending habits?
•	What are his views on money, marriage, religion, children, gay relationships, living together, future life planning issues, etc.? Does he stimulate you intellectually?
•	How does he deal with anger and stress? Does he become violent?
•	How adept is he at dealing with his emotions? How are his communication and conflict management skills?
•	Is he already involved in another relationship? Has he been able to “let go of past boyfriends?"
•	In observing him, how does he treat or talk about other people? Is he critical or judgmental?
•	Is he able to be decisive about things or do you tend to have to make all the decisions in the relationship? (eg. “What do you want to do?” “I don’t know, what do you want to do?”)
•	Assess his personality traits: Is he…Clingy? Dependent? Emotionally distant or responsive? Controlling? Able to share? Maturity level? Giving and kind?
•	What type of relationship is he looking for? Is he ready for commitment? Is he willing to put forth the effort involved in building a long-term relationship?

Conclusion
While this may seem like a lot of detective work, don’t become so preoccupied with your “mental checklist” that it distracts you from your relationship. Make your dating life enjoyable and an adventure; have fun with it! But at the first sign of unsolvable “red flags” or non-negotiable needs not being met, remove yourself from the dating relationship before you invest any more of your heart and precious time into it—you’ll be doing both of you a favor. Settling and thinking you can change your partner over time are serious traps that you want to avoid. Turn the above questions back on yourself to see if there are any areas where you might be able to improve upon to make yourself more solid and whole. So enjoy getting to know your new guy and all the lessons you’ll learn about yourself and relationships. Let the journey begin!

© 2005 Brian L. Rzepczynski

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEBSITE? This article can be reprinted freely online, as long as the entire article and this resource box are included:

Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.

Please also include with the article the words © Copyright and prominently display a link to our main page at the end of the article. Any feedback would be appreciated and can be sent to brian@thegaylovecoach.com. Thank you!

"Why Am I Still Single?"

Dear Coach:

I’m writing because I’m fed up with being a “nice guy” and getting nowhere for it. I continue to be perplexed by my situation and want to understand better why others act the way they do, what I am doing wrong, and what things I can do to improve myself. I’m not perfect and don’t pretend to be. I’m not a model, but I’m often told by people that I’m “hot” and how nice and sweet I am. I don’t have a small penis, have been told many times that I am passionate and good in bed and believe I have a good personality and sense of humor. I have my own place, a new car, a great job, and I’m very successful in my career that holds a lot of promise for more growth and success. So I guess my biggest question is why am I alone? I treat the guys I have gone out with really well. Yet, it never seems to be enough. I’m almost 30 in a few months and I just want to build a life with someone who has ambition, dreams, and who will love me and look out for me as I would for him. Any advice?

A Good Catch

Dear A Good Catch:

You are not alone with this predicament, my friend. The question of “why am I still single?” is a very complex issue that I can’t do justice with answering in a short letter, but I’ll do my best to package some key points that I’m hoping will get you started with figuring out your own situation; perhaps it will become a launching pad for you in approaching your dates differently.

It certainly can be challenging trying to find a quality guy to settle down with, someone who’s got a good head on his shoulders and who’s been able to overcome a lot of the garbage we gay men have to go through to feel ok about ourselves in this homophobic society. It sounds like you’re a very driven and motivated guy with lots of potential and possibility ahead of you. Congrats on all your accomplishments and continued focus on goals. But how do you find that in another guy?

There are a multitude of reasons why someone may still be single when they truly desire a relationship. Maybe they keep attracting the same kind of partner who’s wrong for them, or they’re unrealistic in their standards, or they have weak social and dating skills, or they fear losing their personal freedom, among many others. Many gay men have a difficult time establishing and maintaining intimate relationships because of internalized homophobia or intimacy fears.

Unfortunately, we can’t change other people. I encourage you to relax, take the emphasis off of the other guys and why they are the way they are, and put your energy into examining the role that you may play in this problem, because that’s where the key to success is in you taking charge of your life and making personal changes where they’re needed. Here are some suggestions to get you started in the right direction:

1.	Be the best person you can be. Live your life to the fullest with no expectations of a relationship. You may be trying too hard at finding love and that can be sabotaging. Lead an active and fulfilling lifestyle with purpose, meaning, and passion, and like-minded people will be attracted and drawn to your energy. Build your support system too and keep dreaming big! Throw yourself into personal growth and boost your self-esteem and confidence and eliminate any fears you may have.
2.	Know yourself completely and develop your vision. This is the most important step! Be very clear about who you are, what you want, and how you’ll get it. Do this not only for your individual life, but also create a relationship and life partner vision. What are your needs, wants, values, and requirements for both? What’s negotiable and what’s non-negotiable? Be very specific.
3.	When you begin dating, use this vision as your guide. Collect information and experiences from the men you date to gain a solid knowledge of who they are and make sure they’re in alignment with your vision. At the first sight of a non-negotiable trait they possess, disengage to avoid getting more invested and keep searching. A lot of people ignore these signs and then they get in too deep. Avoid this trap!
4.	Explore your past relationships with men. Do you see any patterns in the types of men you’re attracted to or the type of relationships you’ve had? Are you continually getting involved with emotionally unavailable men? Are you projecting your own issues onto these men? Are you really ready for a relationship as much as you may want it? Do you have any unfinished business from a prior relationship that prevents you from being able to grieve it and let it go? These are all things to consider as you do your self-analysis.
5.	Identify your relationship beliefs. These pre-conceived notions and thoughts may be holding you back and sabotaging your efforts. Some examples of self-defeating thoughts might include: “All the good ones are taken”; “Gay relationships don’t last”; “I failed at relationships before, so I will again”; “Gay men can’t commit. I’ll be alone forever”, etc. Work at creating new beliefs to dispute these and gather evidence to prove these negative ones wrong.

So in a nutshell, work aggressively at the above points and you’ll be at a good starting point. Other things I might suggest in closing would be to live your life to the max and a relationship will happen when you’re not pressuring yourself so much because you’re happy and living with purpose. Become really attractive “on the inside” and you will attract similar people (The Law of Attraction). Be visible, take risks and stretch out of your comfort zone, develop skills to boost your confidence and cope with feelings of loneliness, develop solid boundaries, and always stay true to your vision no matter what. Good luck with your quest! One good catch deserves another!

--The Gay Love Coach

This section is dedicated to you members/subscribers where you can offer your own tips and insights, as well as make announcements for resources pertaining to gay dating and relationships that you know of that would be of benefit to us all! Please feel free to forward these for possible inclusion to brian@thegaylovecoach.com.

•	December 1, 2005 is World AIDS Day, the annual international day of action on HIV and AIDS. Wear your Red Ribbon as a sign of support for people living with HIV and a symbol of hope for the future. Visit http://www.worldaidsday.org for stories, events around the world that are commemorating this special day, and direction on where you can get your own Red Ribbon.
•	Single Gay Men’s Conference in Saugatuck, Michigan: October 2006. Workshops on various topics related to gay singles, dances, social activities. For more information or to register for the event, visit the website at http://www.smsgathering.com.
•	All About Health Relationships.com is a new dating and relationship website that features personal ads and articles written by noted relationship experts in the field on dating, relationships, and sexuality. This site is still in its infancy but is sure to grow to become a very popular site. They are currently extending an offer to The Gay Love Coach Newsletter subscribers for a free, 1-year premium membership on the site. To check out the website or to sign up for this special offer, please visit http://www.allabouthealthyrelationships.com.Let them know you’re part of The Gay Love Coach community!
•	Single Gay Men’s Conference in Saugatuck, Michigan: October 2006. Workshops on various topics related to gay singles, dances, social activities. For more information or to register for the event, visit the website at http://www.smsgathering.com.
•	Some additional resources of interest include:
	o Looking for a gay roommate? prideroommates.com o Searching for a good book? o Want more dating & relationship resources? Relationship Coaching Institute o Want to join the largest gay hub? Gay.com

Disclaimer: The Gay Love Coach does not represent or endorse the quality of any products, information, or materials displayed, purchased, or obtained by you as a result of its mention in this newsletter. It’s common sense to do your own due diligence before purchasing a product.

Copyright © 2005 Brian L. Rzepczynski. All Rights Reserved.