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Hi guys!

Merry X-mas to you and I hope you all have a great holiday! It’s so hard to believe how quickly this year has rolled by! This is my favorite time of the year (although hectic as all get-out!). While at the same time I’m celebrating Christmas with my family and friends, I tend to become pretty reflective as we’re about to enter a new year about not only my own personal experiences and goals, but also about the state of gay progress. Seems like the last couple of months have not been so kind to us as a gay community.

While it appeared we were making growing strides with acceptance in the U.S. in recent years (more affirmative media exposure on gay issues, more gay-oriented television shows, a state allowing gay marriage, etc.), there has been a lot of backlash lately since the presidential campaigns and election came to a close. A constitutional amendment by the Bush administration allegedly being planned to ban gay marriage, recent media statements minimizing the death of Matthew Shepard as a hate crime, and the controversy surrounding the CBS and NBC television networks’ refusal to air a church’s advertisement emphasizing its welcoming diversity to its membership, including same-sex couples are but a few examples of the bad news we’ve received. My partner and I attended a wedding this past month where our relationship as a gay couple was invalidated and we were indirectly requested to “go back into the closet” for a day to protect the other attendees from discovery of our truth. Ouch! It really saddens me that it seems like we’re moving backwards rather than advancing.

But while it could be easy to allow ourselves to become discouraged by this seeming regression, it’s very important that we acknowledge and salute the gifts that being homosexual brings. We’ve learned to be strong, independent, and resilient; we must honor the progresses we’ve made thus far and let the challenges we face as a gay community empower us to further our cause for equal rights through our collective voices and actions.

So I wish you all a very happy and safe holiday season and may you find a way to commemorate and celebrate your relationships and identities as gay men as only we can!

All my best,
Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
Certified Personal Life Coach
brian@thegaylovecoach.com

“Passion Drought: Turning the Fizzle Back Into Sizzle In Your Relationship; Part 1”
by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

Introduction
Many gay men in both short and long-term relationships report concern when the romance and passion in their partnerships decline or “dry up”, leading them to question themselves and fear for the future of their relationships. An unfortunate consequence of this is that many men break up with their partners prematurely at this point, have affairs, or turn to some form of addiction to cope under the mistaken notion that something is defective or wrong in their relationships. This article is the first in a two-part series and will describe how this phenomenon is a normal occurrence in healthy relationship development and how you can assess your own “relationship red flags” that could reinforce a passionless relationship with your boyfriend or partner.

What Is Passion Drought?
“There’s no more passion or excitement in our relationship. It used to be so hot, but now it’s distant and empty. I feel like we’re drifting apart.” “I’m so bored in this relationship. We do the same things all the time and it’s gotten so mundane and stale.” These are but a couple of examples of passion drought, that time in your relationship when the chemistry and intrigue between you and your partner diminishes and more effort is required to sustain the “heat” that initially drew you to each other. But as you will see, this is a normal and expected part of all intimate relationships; it’s not necessarily a warning sign that something’s wrong as it is more about the fact that you’re experiencing a “growth spurt” in a relationship that is maturing.

In their book “The Male Couple: How Relationships Develop” (1984), D.P. McWhirter and A.M. Mattison pioneered a model on gay couple development that conceptualized six stages that gay couples can progress through as their relationships mature and grow. The first two stages are pertinent in explaining the decline of passion that occurs, a phenomenon called limerence they cite.

Stage 1 is called “Blending”, also known as the honeymoon phase. This is the period of time in which you first meet each other and begin a dating relationship. Romance and that “high” of exhilaration and euphoria are at their peak during this phase, which typically lasts about a year. You and your partner think about each other constantly, can’t wait to see and spend time with each other, and have lots of energy for shared activities and sex.

Then Stage 2 hits, called “Nesting”, and this typically occurs during the second and third years of couplehood. This is marked by a strengthened commitment to each other, but it is also characterized by the power struggle. Here, the intensity of passion and attraction becomes replaced with conflict and more awareness of your differences, as individual and relational issues surface. These issues are no longer distracted or disguised by the force of initial chemistry. However, what may seem like relationship dysfunction is really growth in the form of each partner developing a sense of self as an individual and as a partner in a couple. Upon resolution of this phase brings the rewards of deeper commitment, growth, and intimacy. It is a normal and necessary developmental stage of being in a relationship, though more attention and effort will be needed to cultivate and sustain that passion that seemed so natural in the beginning.

Blocks to Passion
While this is indeed a natural state of all relationships, there are some additional factors that could be at play for a lack of passion in a relationship. What follows are but a few possible symptoms underlying passionless relationships. These can be subtle and hidden, or overt in the sense that they can amplify the conflicts in the power struggle phase.

• changed or misplaced priorities; the relationship comes second to some other influence

• lack of time available to attend to the relationship; lack of quality time spent together

• buying into the stereotype that long-term gay relationships don’t last

• internalized homophobia, low self-esteem, and low confidence

• unresolved childhood issues being displaced into the relationship

• infidelity and/or developing attractions or feelings for another person other than your partner

• hidden resentments, hurts, and misunderstandings not being expressed

• communication break-downs and poor conflict negotiation practices

• verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual abuse of any kind

• difficulties with trust and closeness; intimacy fears including fears of rejection, abandonment, engulfment, and being vulnerable

• codependency; attending solely to your partner’s needs at the expense of your own; lack of a separate sense of self or identity

• lack of personal vision for your life and lacking goals; confusion about who you are, what you stand for, and what you want out of life

• weak interpersonal and assertiveness skills; feeling your needs aren’t valid

• routine and repetition of daily living with minimal change or newness being introduced into the relationship; brings about feelings of stagnation and boredom

• life stressors, adjustments, transitions, crises, or losses

• emotional problems, substance abuse or other addictions, or sexual dysfunction

• being in the wrong relationship; genuine incompatibility

• failure to completely grieve and “let go” of a prior relationship

Add your own to this list and assess where you stand on these issues. The important first step in bringing more passion into your relationship is to set the foundation first, and by addressing the above issues, you’ll be well on your way to preparing for increased intimacy. Any of the above items can sabotage your efforts if not attended to. It might be helpful to ask yourself these questions as well as you evaluate where you and your relationship are:

• What’s missing in my relationship? In what ways am I unfulfilled?

• How am I contributing to my own unhappiness?

• Have I discussed my concerns with my partner?

• Do I like my partner? Have I taken the time and devoted energy to really knowing him?

• Am I projecting onto my partner what I want him to be as opposed to who he really is? (Remember, you cannot change your partner! You can only be responsible for your own behavior)

• What would my ideal relationship with my partner look like if I woke up tomorrow morning and it looked “perfect”?

Conclusion
In Part 2 of this article, intimacy-building strategies and passion-building activities will be offered to help bring more aliveness to your relationship. Be sure to look for it in the next Couple’s Edition of the newsletter (February 2005). In the interim, begin removing the barriers to intimacy that you may have that may be undermining the resources your relationship has. Even if your relationship is vital and passionate now, any number of the passion blocks or issues that exist in your life can compromise the future of your partnership. And have faith, remembering that there can be no growth without conflict!

© 2004 Brian L. Rzepczynski

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Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the
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Dear Coach,
Here’s my problem. I’ve been in a relationship for 16 years and it seems we only have eating and sleeping together in common. I know who I am and what I deserve out of life, but I am just too lazy to step out of my comfort zone. I mainly stay with him because he pays most of the bills.
Kornered

Dear Kornered:
Your dilemma sounds very tricky for you. On the one hand, you and your partner have been together for so long that there’s a degree of security and comfort, both emotionally and financially, in being together. On the other hand, I hear an equally strong if not stronger vibe of unfulfillment in your relationship, something that can undermine your spirit and passion for life. It can be really difficult because it sounds like you care for your partner and there’s nothing blatant that you mentioned that would warrant “walking away”, yet I sense there’s a nagging yearning for something more that’s not being met in your relationship.

On a scale from 1 to 10 (1= I totally want out of this relationship and 10= I am very committed to making this relationship work), how would you rate your feelings about your relationship on average? Let your heart do the talking on this question. If you rated over 5, you and your partner must learn how to communicate your needs and feelings directly with each other. What do you need from your partner that would make this relationship more fulfilling? What’s negotiable and non-negotiable? Have your partner do the same and share your lists to see if things can be negotiated. Develop goals from this to work toward. Bring more spice into the relationship to re-awaken it. Make a list of things that you can imagine your partner doing that would be pleasing to you; have him do the same and share your lists and start doing the items. If you truly want your relationship to grow, sufficient energy must be given to it from both parties for it to work. If only one of you is committed, little growth can be expected. If you rated less than 5, consider what’s missing for you in this relationship. What are some ways you contribute to the problems in the relationship? If you really want out, but are afraid to sacrifice the comfort the relationship provides, you must identify what your priorities are for yourself. What are your fears about leaving? Are they imagined or real threats? What are the worst case scenarios you’ve generated about leaving and are they really all that bad? Envision what your perfect life would look like and determine how you can go about accomplishing those goals to reach that vision beyond your relationship. Do a pros and cons list of staying vs. leaving and determine what would be more damaging to your life…settling for an unfulfilling mediocre relationship vs. taking a risk and changing your current lifestyle. The only way out of anxiety is through it. Unfulfillment has an “eating away at you” effect and must be addressed for you to be truly happy.

Remember that you are a good person, through and through, and that you have a lot to offer, either in or outside of a relationship. You deserve to be happy. You appear to have a lot of untapped energy and resourcefulness; allow your courage, passion and openness to give it a chance to be expressed. How exciting to see that it seems to be bubbling underneath the surface, trying to find a way to burst out through the tone of your letter. Listen to it. Give it a voice and take action with what your heart tells you. You are a strong person. Fear inhibits and stifles, and it grows the longer you succumb to it. Make sure to build your support system as you go through this process as they will be extremely helpful to you as you go through your decision-making about your dilemma. Whatever you decide, avoid impulsiveness and keep the recognition that your happiness and longevity is key at the forefront of your mind. Best wishes to you, Kornered!

--The Gay Love Coach

This section is dedicated to you members/subscribers where you can offer your own tips and insights, as well as make announcements for resources pertaining to gay dating and relationships that you know of that would be of benefit to us all! Please feel free to forward these for possible inclusion to brian@thegaylovecoach.com.

• This relationship tip is offered by one of our subscribers this month:
“My partner and I have found that a big part of communication is shutting our mouths and just listening. Validating each other’s feelings is another great tool. It has helped us not only to get through our disagreements better, but it’s also a very effective anger management tool.” ---M., Indiana

• If you liked today’s article and wanted more information on the gay couple developmental stages, go to the following link to read up more on this model and learn about its other stages: click here

• If you would like to learn more about gay rights and advocacy and ways you can help support our cause in your community, please visit the Human Rights Campaign website at www.hrc.org.
They also have a wealth of information on marriage, workplace discrimination, HIV/AIDS, hate crimes, transgender issues, and privacy/protection issues.

• If you believe in the right for gay marriage and equality, there is a website where you can sign a petition supporting this right that will be delivered to key leaders in Congress and in state legislatures around the country. Visit it at http://www.hrc.org/millionformarriage/index.shtml

Disclaimer: The Gay Love Coach does not represent or endorse the quality of any products, information, or materials displayed, purchased, or obtained by you as a result of its mention in this newsletter. It’s common sense to do your own due diligence before purchasing a product.

Copyright © 2004 Brian L. Rzepczynski. All Rights Reserved.