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Hi guys!

Merry Christmas! Is it already the end of the year? I hope you’re making a dent in your holiday shopping if you partake in that; I know I better get cracking!

Lots of things in the works here at The Gay Love Coach! Coming very soon, the website will have a slightly new look and feel (kudos to my webmaster, he’s awesome!), and I’ll be doing the workshop circuit in different parts of the country next year, so I’ll keep you posted. Also, all new subscribers to the newsletter and mailing list will receive a free 5-week e-course for singles or couples. As a loyal subscriber, you’ll be privy to this gift as well when it’s completed (and it almost is!). Be on the lookout soon!

This issue of the newsletter is dedicated to my grandmother who passed away this past month. My last living grandparent, she was my true “lifestyle advocate”, someone who supported me unconditionally as a gay man when not everyone else could and she will be sorely missed. I love you, Grandma! You’re the best!

Wishing you the very best this holiday season. Celebrate, be safe, and here’s to a great new year ahead!

Warmly,
Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
Certified Personal Life Coach
brian@thegaylovecoach.com

“Top Reasons Why Gay Relationships Work & Fail”
by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

Introduction
Back in the 90’s, I worked at Linden Oaks Hospital, a psychiatric clinic in Naperville, Illinois in their outpatient department providing counseling to all ages and populations. We did a lot of work with couples and used a handout with our clients that taught them about attitudes and ingredients for having healthy intimate relationships. I still use that handout in my clinical work as it is a great resource in helping couples assess their own relationship functioning, as well as to use it as a guide for developing goals to work on. Linden Oaks is credited for this content, which is outlined below. The word ‘relationships’ is being used instead of ‘marriages’, as was specified in the handout. While written for a heterosexual audience, we can certainly adapt this information to our gay partnerships as the following content illustrates issues that are universal to all relationship styles. Hopefully you will find it useful as it applies to evaluating your own relationship for maximizing its success.

Top 10 Reasons Relationships Work
10.	“Our relationship is first…not third or fourth…”
9.	“We’re able to compromise…”
8.	“He acknowledges and validates me…”
7.	“Humor…we know how to have fun…”
6.	“We’re friends…”
5.	“We accept each other’s strengths and weaknesses…”
4.	“Everybody’s responsible and no one is to blame…”
3.	“We have a healthy dependence/mutuality in our relationship…”
2.	“We can disagree without attacking…”
1.	“We’re able to really listen and communicate with each other…”

Top 10 Reasons Relationships Fail
10.	“We’ve just grown apart…”
9.	“We’re just not in love anymore…”
8.	“He’ll never change…”
7.	“I don’t have any emotions/feelings left…”
6.	“All we do is fight…”
5.	“There’s just too much resentment built up…”
4.	“We can’t work out problems with children…”
3.	“There’s no intimacy or ‘fire’…”
2.	“I just can’t trust him…”
1.	“We just don’t communicate…”

Tips For Lasting Love

•	Ability to solve problems
•	Active listening
•	Ability to express and validate feelings and needs
•	Personal responsibility
•	Love and romance
•	Friendship
•	Forgiveness

Adding ‘Gay’ To The Mix
While there are some universal elements to relationships, we gay couples have our own unique and special challenges and benefits to live through that are different than other relationship styles. In fact, we have added burdens and obstacles to overcome living in a homophobic society to make our relationships succeed in the long-term. And because of the multitude of barriers and stressors we face, we are in a better position to experience higher-level feelings of intimacy because of the shared experiences and resilience we have, but only if we can muster up the courage to push forward during those difficult times as a united front. The rewards of growing, learning, and changing as a couple are great!

Some additional factors that I might add to the list for making relationships work that are more specific to gay men in a couple include:
•	Having solid self-esteem and comfort with being gay
•	Both men being at the same level of “outness”; and the more “out”, the better to allow for more openness, relaxation, and honesty in all environments
•	Having a support system of people who honor, value, and validate the men’s relationship as a gay couple
•	Each man having his own individual identity, as well as commitment to a relationship identity to allow for more balance and vitality
•	Having a clear agreement about monogamy vs. non-monogamy in one’s relationship and having an understanding of what that means and looks like and abiding by that faithfully
•	Recognition that relationships take effort and work
•	Having a shared vision for the future as a couple
•	And most importantly, as in all relationships, communication is key! Productive conflict resolution is critical! Honesty is a must! The ability to be flexible is also important.

Conclusion
This article merely scratches the surface of what constitutes a healthy relationship. There are many ingredients that go into creating a successful partnership, but the topics discussed here provide you with a basic foundation of what’s most needed to get you on the right track. What’s important is that each couple defines for themselves what works best for them and what happiness and fulfillment would look like for them. The above skills will help promote a working atmosphere to help the two of you co-pilot the type of relationship you’re seeking. Identify your strengths and weaknesses as a couple from the tips and craft a plan for making things even better between the two of you. Society desperately needs to see healthy gay couples functioning in successful relationships. Could you be a role model as gay partners if you choose? If so, let us all share the wealth and wisdom with each other as a community, to learn from each other on what it takes! Cheers to your relationship success!

© 2005 Brian L. Rzepczynski

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Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.

Please also include with the article the words © Copyright and prominently display a link to our main page at the end of the article. Any feedback would be appreciated and can be sent to brian@thegaylovecoach.com. Thank you!

"He’s Changed Now That I’ve Said ‘I Love You’"

Dear Coach:

I have been seeing my guy for about 5 months. While we have spoken about how I’m ready for commitment, he waffles on the issue. Things were great between the two of us up until the moment I told him that I loved him. We were talking about feelings during one of our talks, so I saw no harm in telling him just how I felt. Ever since then, he’s backed away. What can I do, if anything, to help bring us back closer together again like we were? I do love him and I’m having a hard time keeping my feelings locked up.

In Love

Dear In Love:

I’m sorry to hear that things have hit a snag for you; I can tell how disappointed you feel and I support you through this. It sounds like your guy really means a lot to you, has brought a lot to your life, and you’re invested in things working out. First and foremost, I hope you’re not kicking yourself for having shared your true feelings for him. I applaud you for being authentic and honest about your feelings and there’s nothing wrong with being open about that. So please don’t fall into the “regret trap” because you’re just being who you are—an expressive, caring, and giving man. A real catch!

The problem appears to be in the differing thresholds you and your boyfriend have for intimacy and emotional expressiveness. It does appear by your letter that your guy does have some possible intimacy issues. I wish I had better news for you with your question. Unfortunately, when our partner is the one who has intimacy issues, there’s not a whole lot you can do since we can’t control or change another person. It’s that person’s responsibility to confront these issues that hold him back. Any efforts on your part to “help him along” could be construed by him as your trying to pressure or control him, and he’ll react with more resistance and distancing, and possibly even breaking things off, so be careful. It might be helpful for you to read my articles “Intimacy Freak-Out & Gay Men; Parts 1 & 2” [Part 1] [Part 2] for additional information on intimacy fears that tend to be common in gay men.

My best advice to you at this point is to keep “going with the flow”. Your giving him space is a good move and may allow him the time to process and “catch up” to where you are, but there’s no guarantee. You might want to reflect on yourself to assess if you have any intimacy issues or traits that might be triggering his discomfort. If he has ever said he’s felt suffocated or that he thinks you’re too clingy or needy, these might indicate self-esteem issues on your part that you might want to address. Otherwise, he could just be projecting his insecurities onto you and needs to resolve these himself.

In short, honor where he’s at right now and support him in his current place. Pushing too hard might sabotage a good thing if deep down all he needs is time to pace the relationship. Become the best man you can be by focusing on your own personal growth and becoming more “dateable” than you already are. Ultimately, you will have to decide how long you’re willing to invest in this man if things don’t change over a time period that you’re comfortable with. When you begin to feel that you’re making too many sacrifices, you may have to question if you can be with someone who’s emotionally unavailable to you. Only you can decide how long you’re willing to wait. Live by your vision and personal requirements and try to find other outlets to define yourself to take some of the emphasis and frustration off of your guy while he figures things out. My fingers are crossed for you, my friend! Relax, be yourself, and be happy!

--The Gay Love Coach

This section is dedicated to you members/subscribers where you can offer your own tips and insights, as well as make announcements for resources pertaining to gay dating and relationships that you know of that would be of benefit to us all! Please feel free to forward these for possible inclusion to brian@thegaylovecoach.com.

•	Want more elaboration on the points made in today’s feature article? Stay tuned in the New Year for upcoming teleclasses that will address these and many other topics relating to gay dating and relationships!
•	Live in Kentucky and southern Indiana? Check out The Letter Newspaper, the area’s #1 gay newspaper. You’ll love it! It’s at www.theletteronline.com
•	Check out www.GayRites.net for an array of information on rites of passage that the LGBT community goes through, including coming-out and same-sex marriage. Articles, books, and forums are available.
•	Single Gay Men’s Conference in Saugatuck, Michigan: October 2006. Workshops on various topics related to gay singles, dances, social activities. For more information or to register for the event, visit the website at http://www.smsgathering.com.
•	Some additional resources of interest include:
	o Looking for a gay roommate? prideroommates.com o Searching for a good book? o Want more dating & relationship resources? Relationship Coaching Institute o Want to join the largest gay hub? Gay.com

Disclaimer: The Gay Love Coach does not represent or endorse the quality of any products, information, or materials displayed, purchased, or obtained by you as a result of its mention in this newsletter. It’s common sense to do your own due diligence before purchasing a product.

Next issue…Couple's Edition; we’ll mix things up in the New Year by starting with another Couples’ Edition and then switch off with the Singles’ Edition each month. Watch next month for a feature article on coping with a partner’s infidelity!

Copyright © 2005 Brian L. Rzepczynski. All Rights Reserved.